How
Sluggh Contacted Planet Earth
It was quite by accident that Cornelius Boulevarde Captain of the Platypus Exploration Vessel stumbled across the time portal that led us to Planet Earth. He was on an exploration of one of our nearby moons when his navigation device went haywire.
Claude
Dimitrion Second-in-Command and the resident engineer on the Platypus
concentrated on his three-dimensional imaging device that was also giving
trouble. It was a new device developed recently on Planet Sluggh to give a much
better view of potential landing areas around its three moons.
The Captain shook his navigator and banged it on the hard surface of the control panel and three batteries shot out the back and scattered on the floor.
�Call this
technology�
The captain flung his navigator violently to the end of the Platypus spacecraft.
�I hope you don�t mind me
mentioning it Captain Boulevarde, but that is not the way to treat a delicate
and important piece of equipment�
Suddenly the small space vessel lurched and sent loose objects flying around the control room. The Captains stun gun flew from its holster and attached its sharp clips to the back of Claude Dimitrion�s expansive bull-neck and duly applied 300,000 volts to it. Claude momentarily left his seat and banged his bullet head on the red-capped power down button situated directly above his seat.
They were drifting aimlessly in space Claude was unconscious in his seat whilst the Captain tried to revive him by shaking his head violently with his hands around his throat and cursing him with much venom.
�You stupid
toffee-nosed cretin, why did you have to get in the way of my stun gun like
that�?�
The Captain seemed to get quite a lot of satisfaction from cracking Dimitrion�s bullet head on the hard control panel surface. Dimitrion emitted a strangulated gurgling noise. His eyes were rolling wildly and he uttered some unintelligible gibberish.
�Wake up you
fat fool�!�
The Captain slapped his face to try and revive him and then took a full glass of water and threw it in Claude�s face. There was a tremendous fizz and bang as the water missed Claude and short-circuited the control panel. The Captain was furious now and frothing at the mouth.
�Now look what
you�ve done�!�
With a final blow to Claude�s extended guts he flopped into his Captain�s chair and stared into space as the small cumbersome craft drifted on into oblivion.
***********
The next day Claude had recovered somewhat and though he occasionally flinched when he touched the lumpy surface of his baldhead, he was otherwise okay.
�You know Captain
Boulevarde this computer is so slow I feel like throwing it through the window,
it�s taking an age to load�
Claude drummed his fingers impatiently while he waited for the computer program to fire up.
�I�m not happy with anything on this old crate�
said the disgruntled Captain.
After what seemed an eternity the opening screen finally appeared in front of two very worried faces.
�See what
damage has been done Claude�
Claude tapped away at the keys to engage a program called �How Well is your Spacecraft Home Edition� Then his frown lifted slightly.
�Hmmm�not too bad,
considering that meteor hit us pretty hard the damage is minimal. The on-board
navigation system is taking coordinates and working them out and storing them
but not displaying them to us Captain, I think that water you threw over the
control panel caused that�
Captain Boulevarde paced up and down the cramped craft with a troubled expression on his fat weathered face.
�We�re in
uncharted territory, you know that don�t you Claude, basically we�re lost in
space�
Claude seemed a little more optimistic and his tuneless whistling irritated the Captain somewhat.
�Things mightn�t be too
bad if I can fix your hand held navigation unit Captain, I told you not to
mistreat it so, it could be our saviour now�
�Unfortunately I flung it
to the back of the Platypus Claude I don�t think you can fix it�
�You sit down Captain have
a rest and leave the navigator to me, I think I can fix it�
Several hours past, whilst the Captain swilled tea and Claude worked on the navigator repairs. They were totally unaware of the imminent danger ahead in the size of a small but neat time-portal. In this time-portal the laws of physics were somewhat distorted they applied but with a totally different set of rules.
Imagine that space was a flat sheet of paper with one world at one end of it another at the other the distance between the two worlds is great, too great a distance to travel in a reasonable time. However if the paper were folded or rumpled up like a carpet, the two points could be almost on top of each other and the transition from one world to the other would be instantaneous.
This portal then, connected two worlds, Planet Sluggh and Planet Earth; it was a million to one chance that they found it. They not only found it but also disappeared down it in an instant and appeared on the other side without a clue that they had done so.
Captain Cornelius Boulevard looked out of the Platypus window and saw a distant globe. It looked familiar to him, but yet where were the other two moons? They were missing.
�I say Claude
if my eye�s don�t deceive me, that�s Sluggh over there, look!�
Claude eventually looked up from his recently repaired navigator and told the Captain the bad news.
�That�s not our planet
Captain the navigator reports that we are approximately 250,000 light years away
from Planet Sluggh�
�Where the hell are we then�
said the puzzled captain scratching his thinning locks.
�It would appear that we
have inadvertently slipped through a time portal Captain�
��And that�s bad?�
The Captain hadn�t got a clue what was happening at this point he left all technical matters to Claude. He was quite a dunce at school in academic subjects but was very good at ordering people about; hence he made quite a good Captain in his own cumbersome way.
The hand held navigator had logged the Time- Portal coordinates so that would enable the two representatives of Planet Sluggh to make their way home eventually when the time came.
The planet looming before them looked interesting. It looked inhabited and possibly worth investigating. Claude had repaired the control panel so that the three dimensional landing viewer was now in full working order.
�Let�s go for it Claude
you land on that flat strip down there, that�s an order�
Captain Cornelius Boulevarde could be quite forceful on occasions.
�I�I�I��
stuttered Claude trying to convey to the Captain the folly of doing what he asked.
�Are you disobeying an order Dimitrion?�
The Captain started to get quite angry at Claude�s reluctance to obey his every command.
�Very well Sir��
Captain Boulevarde was furious at his
predicament now, how was he to know that landing strip was at J10 of the M6 the
busiest strip of motorway in Europe on Planet Earth. This was worse than going
through that time-portal.
�Ain�t you
got a map Claude?�
There was no response from Claude, how could he have a map on this alien planet when they hadn�t even found the shops yet, let alone knowing short cuts taking side roads and such like.
�Ask that
weird looking freak with the pointed head if he knows how to get out of here�
The weird looking freak was in fact an officer of the law on Planet Earth so he was very fortunate indeed, he told him to take the slip road at junction ten then the A446 at the round about and he would be in a virtual traffic free zone.
�What did he say Claude�
The Captain forgot that they were on Planet Earth and not Sluggh so Claude hadn�t got a clue what the Police Officer said.
�I don�t know Captain,
but did you notice how his knees bend the opposite way to ours and his thin
features and that strange two wheeled appliance he was transporting himself
with, and it goes much faster than those more advanced looking contraptions�
What Claude was describing was a bicycle moving through peak-hour traffic jam on the M6. Why they decided to move on the ground in their space ship was a mystery. Perhaps it was because all the other vehicles were moving along the ground � very peculiar to a Sluggard. Fortunately their alien craft didn�t look out of place in the Annual Town Carnival and won second prize. The two Sluggard aliens were thought to be in fancy dress costume and won first prize.
All the coordinates of the Time-Portal were stored and retrieved from the on board navigation system on the Platypus when the Sluggards returned to their home planet. They had an adventure they said they would never forget.
�That taught me a lesson
Claude�
�YEAH�!�