Letter One
35a
ARRISBANDIT STREET,
PINKTREE,
SLUGGH
Chief Surgeon
Intensive Care Unit,
Proboscis Straightening Ward,
Planet Sluggh.
19th April (your time, that is)
Summary of Medical Condition
Patient: Paul Mallard
Medical Condition on Entering Hospital: Fatally crumpled and battered proboscis almost beyond recognition. Missing bolt from neck. Two rivets from medical appliance found on canteen floor. Both knees malfunctioning and tending to bend the wrong way. Eyes veering in totally opposite directions. Huge wart on top of his horrendous bald head. Gibbering and dribbling profusely on entering the Geriatric Ward.
Other Pertinent Conditions:
1. Tennis Elbow
2. Housemaids knee
3. Frozen Shoulder
4. Walks with exaggerated gait
5. Stuttering profusely
6. Large hump on back (approx. 18 inches)
7. Both wrists in plaster
8. Swollen hands
9. Lantern Jaw
10. Chronic profound uncontrollable flatulence.
Hope you are now feeling better after your recent stay in our luxurious hospital. It was a privilege to meet such an unfortunate Earthling (Humanoid Minimus) as yourself Mr. Mallard. Never before have we met such an unfortunate soul as yourself. May I say we were very sorry indeed when you escaped from the mental ward and terrorised all the female patients in intensive care. You had a captive audience so to speak.
Once more thank you profusely Mr. Mallard
Ivor Scalpel
Head Surgeon
Letter Two
Chief
Surgeon
Intensive
Care Unit
Proboscis
Straightening Ward
Planet
Sluggh.
19th
April 2004 (on
your planet, that is)
Dear Earthling Mallard (Basicus Humanoid Vulgaris) it's I, that's me again Ivor
Scalpel, you know, Earthlings are all the same. To me you are any way. You have
a basic Humanoid shape that is physically repulsive to us Sluggards. (Still you
can’t help it) I would really like to arrange your molecules, but that's
another matter. Given the chance I would and could with my Acme Molecule
Enhancer. I made it myself on my home planet of Sluggh (pronounced Slug with a
faint sh sound at the end) it was in kit form for amateur-life-form-modification
enthusiasts.
Shall
I bore you with the details of how it works, or shall I not?
I rather think I shall
You know those two quaint physically repulsive holes in your visage? Nostrils I
think you call them, well with my Acme Molecule Enhancer I could set the dial to
seal and have them completely sealed in two seconds flat and replaced with
saliva bags, you could imagine the response and admiring glances you would get
from female Sluggards on our planet.
“Nice
pair of saliva bags Roger!”
This would probably be the general and hysterical cry from adoring females
everywhere you go.
“Thank
you Gladys!”
I anticipate your response to them or something similar, Gladys is a term of
endearment on our planet much the same as yours.
If I now turn the dial to almost stun say 9½, not 10 because that would kill
you, then that strange and alarming, frightening even hideous proboscis on your
face could be altered to become almost acceptable on our planet of Sluggh. I can
see in my minds eye hoards of adoring Sluggards hurling themselves at you trying
to sneak a look at your newly modified and almost acceptable proboscis (nose I
think you call it on earth). I imagine the scenario with delight it goes
something like this:
Opening Scene: A
female Sluggard is eyeballing you with one of her several pairs of eyes across
the factory canteen. She squirts two litres of saliva over the factory foreman
(this is a good sign she is very interested in you) She bats one of her
tentacles in an alluring manner as a signal for you to respond. Unfortunately
you are unable to respond, you don’t know how; after all you are of Humanoid
Minimus Traitus form and not of her planet. Unfortunately you unthinkingly and
unconsciously brush your newly altered proboscis with your physically repulsive
grasping appendage (hand) and whip her into an uncontrollable frenzy.
“SCHLANG THORAX MEDALUS GORPUS…”
She cries in ecstasy, and proceeds to slither across to your primitive seating
arrangement loaned to you by the afore-mentioned saliva-encapsulated factory
foreman.
“EH…?”
I imagine your response, as you clearly don’t know what’s going on.
“SHLOOP PROBOSCIS FORMIDABLIS GORPUS…”
She
screams right in your flat pathetic looking (to us, that is) features.
“I…I…I…”
You struggle pathetically to form words with your almost useless dual operating
eating and communicating orifice. Unfortunately for you (that is) this is the
correct response to a female Sluggard and a clear, firm and unconditional
surrender to her feminine charms and a green light for her to continue to the
next level of almost unstoppable excitement.
Your natural response to this highly embarrassing (to you, that is) episode is
to reel backwards in sheer revulsion. This is a colossal mistake and will be
misconstrued as submissive behaviour by the female Sluggard. What you should
have done was to beat your pathetically formed and egg-stained frontage with
your grasping appendages and roar the following Sluggard refusal.
“SCHLOOP
BANG PROBOSCIS FLACCIDUS INOPERATUS”
She would then have retreated quietly and finished her daily canteen meal of
Sluggard proteins.
The entire male Sluggards in the factory canteen have been looking on in a
wolfish manner with a mixture of awe and tremendous jealousy. They’ve been
after her for weeks with little or no success and you an insignificant and
worthless (to them, that is) Earthling are stealing their Sluggards from
them right from under their Sluggard noses. If it’s not bad enough that
you’ve stolen one of their Sluggard jobs you’re now muscling in on their
Sluggard women – scandalous!
You have to look at it from a Sluggard point of view, I mean I can see their
point until you had extensive molecular reconstruction afforded by my ACME
Molecule Enhancer, you were of little or no threat, but now you are a
threat, a big steaming Earthling threat. It’s almost a slap in the face
to them YOU, a hoighty toighty Earthling freak (to them, that is) coming
over here Planet Sluggh, eating all our women and sh***ing all our jobs you were
asking for it.
SCENE: In the factory canteen you are cowering and trembling behind that
primitive seating arrangement that the saliva encapsulated foreman loaned to you
out the goodness of his Sluggh heart when you first came to experience work in
the Sild and Pilchard Mining Corporation on the planet Sluggh GASP!
She lunges at your proboscis with her left tentacle in order to strike up a mating position.
Fortunately she misses (for you, that is)
She grasps it with both tentacles and lets you have it! Both barrels.
You cry out but it only excites her further she smothers you with both hugely
endowed saliva bags, you can’t breathe.
But
there is no help (for you, that is)
“PHEW...!”
She gasps (It’s one of the few words the same in both languages.
She eventually goes limp and relaxes her grip on your brown corduroy trouser turnips, her eyes are glazed and there is a big self-satisfied Sluggh grin on her face. She melts almost into the sea of carrots and parsnips and turnips that reside in a heap on the floor.
She utters in complete fluent and intelligible English.
ASIDE: It was nothing for her to learn the correct response to an Earthling encounter from the Oxford shortened Sluggh/English phrase book.
Of course the Sluggh men folk were enraged, mad, incensed and livid as well, witnessing all these tawdry goings on right under their extended and worked up to a frenzied noses. There were shouts of kill the Earthling and knee him in the spherical appendages and loads of other racist comments that really are not befitting of the Sluggh nation, but understandable nevertheless.
And that my Earthling friend is how you ended up in hospital on the planet
Sluggh having your bent and crumpled proboscis straightened out.
Letter Three
33
Sluggh Buildings,
Planet
Sluggh
28th of April 2004 (your time, that is)
Dear
Mr. Mallard’,
Your application for an exchange visit to Planet Sluggh has been
accepted. Your swap will take place in approximately two weeks time and will
last for a period of six months. The protein life form we have selected to
exchange with you is called Anton Wantovic’ and is excellently qualified for
this exchange and most suitable for a stay on your Planet Earth.
We
have enclosed a Sluggh/English dictionary and phrase book for you to learn some
simple sentences for you to use in your employment with the Sild and Pilchard
Mining Corporation whilst you earn your keep on Planet Sluggh.
A
list of normal etiquette has been attached and some simple but important does
and don’ts while you enjoy your stay has been included. Please study this
list carefully it may avoid a lot of misunderstanding with the Sluggh natives in
your area of stay and employ.
Please report to me at the above address on your arrival in two Earth weeks time.
Our chief surgeon Ivor Scalpel may need to give you a preliminary examination on your arrival please read his note attached.
Cheerio
for Now or
as we say here on Planet Sluggh:
BMallaariah
P.S. sorry this letter came so late during your stay on Planet Sluggh!
1.As
a guest at a Sluggard’s wedding it is considered polite to break-wind as the
happy couple kiss for the first time – the louder the better!
2.
After dining as a Sluggard’s guest make sure that you fondle his partner’s
buttocks as a sign of appreciation. Not doing so would be considered very rude.
3.
If you are picking mucus from your nostrils at a Sluggard’s evening soirée it
is considered okay provided you offer some of the choicest bogies to fellow
guests.
4.
Tell a stupid joke that falls flat at any gathering and you will be a
Sluggard’s friend for life.
5.
When helping a fellow
Sluggard to decorate his/her apartment always try to be amusing. If stripping
several layers of paint from a door, just place the blowlamp on the floor and do
the splits over it. They will absolutely roar with laughter.
6.
All Humanoid Earthlings are funny to Sluggards. It’s a little like Tommy
Cooper walking in to a room for the first time, so don’t be surprised if they
laugh out loud and point at you. Don’t be offended!
7.
You will be very popular with female Sluggards so pay particular attention to
the DON’TS page.
8.
Upon greeting a Bank manager when you are trying to arrange an overdraft and he
breaks wind very loudly, you must respond with an even louder response or he may
turn you down. It’s always worth having a trial run with a friend first,
before your meeting.
9.
Cutting ones toenails in public with wallpaper scissors may result in a night in
Jail, it is an offence against public decency to remove ones socks in a public
place.
2.
Male Sluggard’s
will attack an Earthling if he becomes successful with one of their female
Sluggards.
3.
If you never
break-wind at any time look out because you will be considered as unnatural and
perhaps sinister and it is possible all Sluggards will shun you eventually. Tip
– eat plenty of gut fermenting materials such as carrots, parsnips, turnips
and lentils and liquids such as Guinness-Extra. You will be amazed at the result
and how popular you will become.
4.
Never do a line-dance
in a super-market whilst on your exchange visit here; hospital expenses on the
Planet Sluggh are very expensive.
5.
Never play with an
Aardvark on a crowded bus you may be physically ejected by the bus driver and
passengers.
6.
The
Aardvark is a sacred animal on the Planet Sluggh and must be allowed right of
way at all times. Do not pound an Aardvark with a shovel in public you could get
ten years hard labour in prison.
7. Although you can buy inflatable furniture almost anywhere on Planet Sluggh it is considered somehow slightly tawdry a bit like going into a sex shop on Planet Earth. You may become ostracised by the Sluggard race if you are continually up before the Beak for possession of Sluggard “Inflatables”
8. Baldies must wear headgear before venturing outside their dwelling place otherwise you may attract unwanted attention from adoring females - possibly causing an obstruction in a public place while they gather around to admire your bald head.
Letter Four
Ivor Scalpel
Chief Surgeon Sluggh/Earth Exchange Program,
Main Sluggh Hospital,
Proboscis Ward,
Normal Town,
Planet Sluggh
28th of April 2004 (your time, that is)
Dear Mr. Mallard,
It is with great expectation and indeed, a pleasure that I anticipate a further chance to analyse your profoundly week Earthling structure, not just the physical aspects but the mental aspects also. I remember there were lots of misunderstandings between us Sluggards and you Earthlings.
Just the simple phrase you uttered in the factory canteen during your last stay on Planet Sluggh, "Chips and egg please Gladys," afforded you a week long stay in hospital here on Proboscis Ward. Of course you were totally ignorant of the fact that this English phrase translates to: "Aardvark droppings and excrement" and that was why the canteen chef twisted your nose out of shape in the way that he did so vehemently, and with so much vigor and vim. It was a truly momentous occasion for me when you graced us with your presence that week on Proboscis Ward, I'll never for get it.
I so enjoyed the challenge of making something exciting out of your general nasal mass and moulding it into something that was almost acceptable to both alien nations. I thought the extra nostril looked charming and I'm sorry you were so alarmed when you looked in the mirror that morning when you awoke from the surgery on Proboscis Ward in that straitjacket. I was so gratified that you were pleased with the extra eye in the back of your head, and as you said, you can easily disguise it with a strategically placed flat cap.
Some of the stories of the use you had put that extra eye to, on Earth, were very amusing and I was surprised that the police took you into custody so soon. Knowing your tendencies and nocturnal activities the X-ray glasses and 500-magnification light weight binoculars installed as extras in your apartment here on Planet Sluggh should meet with your utmost approval.
I understand your trepidation on your first visit to our planet when you found that curtains do not exist and how this interfered with your nocturnal pursuits. We do not consider looking out for your neighbour's welfare (with a high power lens on your camera) a crime. However next time it may be prudent to wear some form of nightshirt to conceal your modesty as exhibitionism of this sort is frowned on by the Helmitt-Squak (Vice-Squad) penalties can be severe, but a warning may suffice for a first timer usually by:
"Batten vum nob wib arv squelch pittelark-smakfins"
translates to:
"Hitting your head with a wet rainbow-trout"
This is usually carried out in front of a large crowd of irate Sluggards.
Well on a happier note, I hope I get the chance to monitor some of your strange Earthling habits and build up a better understanding of your ways and customs so that your stays in our luxurious hospital get less frequent, as much as I look forward to tending to your injuries.
This said, I do hope I get the chance to modify some of your brain patterns and tinker with your cerebral cortex. If I get the chance to insert the complete Sluggh to English dictionary and phrase book into your cramped cranium I will. I look forward to juggling with your kidneys and twanging your spleen.
It only remains for me to say:
"Voir vu tempnik"
"See you soon"
Ivor Scalpel
Letter Five
35a
ARRISBANDIT ST.,
PINKTREE,
SLUGGH
Dear
Anton,
I
hope you are now feeling better after your recent fall down that manhole when
you were exercising the dog down Bridlington Street. It was very remiss of the
workman to leave it uncovered like that. It must have come as a tremendous shock
when you found yourself twenty feet down in those stinky sewers. I am so glad
you eventually found your way out, but enough about me.
I am having a terrible time here on the
planet Sluggh and I don’t like it very much. The Sluggh women are way too
forward and keep leaping on me every chance they get. You wouldn’t like them
Anton with their bright lipstick, saliva bags and tentacles all over the place.
I was hoping you might send me a small remittance to cover extra expenses I’ve
had since being here on planet Sluggh. That novelty candle I sent you cost me a
fortune so did the wax earrings. I know you said you preferred chocolates but
they cost an arm and three legs on this mouldy planet, but enough about you.
Hoping
for a big remittance soon
Yours
hopefully
Letter Six
35a
ARRISBANDIT ST.,
PINKTREE,
SLUGGH
Dear Anton,
It's so disappointing not to have heard from you. I'm getting a little desperate for cash. Did you get that inflatable sofa I sent you last week. I thought it would be a nice gesture to send it to you fully inflated and ready for use to save you having to bother. It took me ages to blow it up (well you know I've got a weak lung) it took seven days (a week long, get it) for me to blow it up, I did a little each day while I was watching Coronation Street and Eastenders and several other Satellite programmes on television till the early hours, really it was no trouble. Had a few complaints from the neurotic female Sluggard who lives next door. She thought I'd got a woman in here...chance would be a fine thing. They don't half make strange noises those inflatable sofa's very rude noises. The one good thing about this planet Anton is they have a superb selection of stores that sell inflatables. You wouldn't believe some of the things I've inflated in my small claustrophobic apartment lately...when I'm on my own...and...and... there's nothing better to do.
Well that's enough about you, but I was wondering if you'd thought anymore about sending a modest remittance that would be much appreciated, that sofa cost a fortune to send first class through space.
Your best friend
Paul