"DECK THE SHIP WITH BOWS OF..."

by Jeisre Ice
(http://www.geocities.com/planet_icion)



Starring: The Ginyu Force, Frieza and other villains in DBZ (plus my own fanfic character Deirdre)

Setting: Main Hall, Frieza's Palace, The Annual Bah Humbug Party (Villains don't believe in Christmas.)

(Frieza is standing near the main doors of the hall, looking more annoyed than usual. The Ginyu Force, missing Jeice, enter.)

Frieza: Alright! Who's the wise guy?

Captain Ginyu: What's wrong?

(Frieza points up to the ceiling.)

Frieza: That!

(The four mercenaries look up. There, right over the middle of the hall, is a piece of mistletoe.)

Frieza: I mean, what kind of sick joke is this?

(Everybody instantly turn around to look at Recoome.)

Recoome: Hey, I may like sick jokes, but I'm not THAT sick. Besides, I don't even know what that thing is.

Guldo: That, my friend, is Phoradendron flavescens, more commonly known as mistletoe, an evergreen parasitic plant widely used as a Christmas decoration.

(Frieza and the rest of the Ginyu Force look at Guldo with utter surprise.)

Guldo: What?!  I studied Biology, in-depth!   Can't a man use his knowledge for once?

(Frieza growls)

Frieza: Did you happen to know that scientists often suffer for their beliefs?!?!  How dare you stick that trash up there?!?!

Guldo: I *didn't*!!!  I'm in charge of food!   I've just finished putting up chocolate eclairs.

Recoome: I'd say you've just finished eating them.

Guldo: Whatever gave you that ridiculous idea?

Recoome: Chocolate stains all around your mouth!

(Guldo quickly tries to wipe the chocolate off his face)

Frieza: Alright, I know *one* of you idiots was in charge of decorating the hall. You'd better tell me who---or I'm gonna have to start spreading some Christmas cheer.

(Points his finger at the remaining two members of the Ginyu Force, who gulp.)

Guldo: Gee, what happened to your favorite Eye Beam Attack?

Frieza: I'm in a *festive* mood today. (Aims his finger.)  Now---who was it?

Burter: Not *me*. I was in charge of refreshments, sir! (Starts bending his fingers) I got Soda, Lemonade, Punch, stronger drinks like---

Frieza: Shut up! That only leaves---(Spots Captain Ginyu edging his way to the door. He points his finger at Captain Ginyu.) *You*. Hold it right there!

(Captain Ginyu eyes the finger aimed at him and swallows nervously.)

Captain Ginyu: Hey, it was caught in the Christmas---er, Bah Humbug lights. I don't know anything about plants. How was *I* supposed to know what it was?

Frieza: They say ignorance is bliss, Ginyu. For you, ignorance is gonna go *boom*. (Points his finger at Ginyu's throat.) Merry Christmas, Captain!

(Suddenly, Burter points behind Frieza.)

Burter: Hey, look, sir! Zarbon is walking underneath the mistletoe!

Frieza: Really? That ought to be good for a laugh. (Turns around, pulling his finger away from Captain Ginyu. Captain Ginyu crumples to the ground with a sigh of relief. Meanwhile, Frieza leans against the wall and sneers.) Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

(Zarbon unwittingly walks under the mistletoe.)

Burter (talking like a horse-race commentator): Oh, Zarbon has just been tackled by Dodoria! Oh, wait---he's trying to make a break for it---but Dodoria just won't let go! He's struggling...oh, but we have it---Touchdown!!!

Frieza and the rest of the Ginyu Force: *Eeeewwww*...

(Zarbon gets up and runs towards the Ginyu Force, a hand over her mouth.)

Recoome: What's the matter? Don't like kissing men?

Zarbon: No, if they got bad breath!!! Ewww... just like kissing a garbage can!!!

(He runs out the door, heading for the lady's...errr... men's room.)

Burter: Oh, oh!!!  Here comes Deirdre. She's heading for the mistletoe, too.

Captain Ginyu: Hey, isn't that Jeice behind her?

(Jeice is walking behind Deirdre, trying to look casual.)

Guldo: Uh-huh.

Recoome: Do you think he's stupid enough to try and kiss her?

(The Ginyu Force look at each other.)

Ginyu Force and Frieza (together): Yep.

(Jeice taps Deirdre politely on the shoulder. He bows gracefully to her as she turns around and glares.)

Jeice: My dear Deirdre, it seems you're standing under the mistletoe.

Deirdre: And your point is?

Jeice: Isn't it a tradition to kiss anyone standing under the mistletoe. (Deirdre's eyes narrow.)

Deirdre: Oh, you want a kiss, do you? Kiss *this*!

(She hurls a fireball at his face. Jeice is instantly charred.)

Jeice: What a woman!

(He falls over. Frieza looks disgusted.)

Frieza: Someone go sweep up that poor excuse for a Casanova. Pathetic.

(Looks around and then notices someone walking by. He grins.)

Frieza: Oh, Vegeta.... You're standing under the mistletoe.

(Vegeta stops in his tracks and strikes an arrogant pose.)

Vegeta: Oh, *please*...  I heard that one last year! You don't expect me to fall for THAT again?

Guldo: Um, actually, he's telling the truth.

(Vegeta still looks reluctant to believe it. Suddenly, the main doors of the hall burst open to reveal a group of DBZ fan-femmes. Vegeta spots this, then slowly looks up. He sees said piece of mistletoe. Then the fan-femmes spot Vegeta. He runs for it. He heads for the back door, being chased by a mob of drooling fan-femmes. Frieza laughs.)

Frieza: It's a good thing Vegeta is young. He's gonna need all the energy he can get out-running those fan-femmes.

Captain Ginyu: Hey, isn't that #18 under the mistletoe now?

(Frieza and the Ginyu Force turn to look.)

Burter: So it is.

(Around Android #18, the male villains are edging away nervously.)

Captain Ginyu: Say, where's Nappa?

(They look around, and finally spot him sneaking up behind #18. He stops. He looks thoughtful for a moment, then turns around.)

Nappa: Nah. Even *I'm* not THAT desperate, or stupid... (Depressed, he walks off.)

(Meanwhile, Vegeta re-enters the main doors of the hall on his hands and knees, panting. He is missing a good deal of his outfit. For the censors' sake, his pants are still intact around the x-areas. The Ginyu Force look on.)

Burter: Hmm... Torn clothing, no armor. Going for the after-battle look, Vegeta?

Vegeta: Shut up. Man, those fan-femmes are lethal!

Guldo: Like _we'd_ know anything about it!

Frieza: Tell me something, Vegeta. Why didn't you use your Big Bang attack?

Vegeta: Because, it doesn't work on them. DBZ Energy Combat Rule Book, page 114, chapter 12, article 1.7 b

(Reaches into the remains of his clothes and pulls out the rule book. The Ginyu Force bend down to look at it.)

Burter: "All DBZ villains are to wash their outfits weekly, thus to avoid the stench of perspirant and maintain a presentable look. Note: armor - dry clean only."

Vegeta: No, that's article 1.7 a! Read below that, you idiot! (Burter squints at the text.)

Burter: "Warning: All energy attacks do not work on drooling fan-femmes."

Captain Ginyu: Well, whaddaya know.

Recoome: I should definitely remember that!. (Frieza looks fed up. He glares at the mistletoe up on the ceiling.)

Frieza: That's *it*! I'm getting rid of that thing! (Aims his finger at the mistletoe.)

Ginyu Force: *NO*!!!

(Frieza fires, causing the ceiling of the hall to cave in. Assorted DBZ villains run for the doors. Unfortunately, the Ginyu Force is
standing _in front_ of the doors, so they get run over. Most of the building falls in.

Finally, the dust settles. The rubbles shifts and Frieza pulls himself out of the wreckage. He looks up. On the remains of the
ceiling is the piece of mistletoe. Frieza's face turns purple. He is about to scream in rage when the mistletoe wobbles. It breaks free and falls. To add insult to injury, it lands on Frieza's head. A murderous look enters his eyes.

Meanwhile, Captain Ginyu pulls him out of the debris. Frieza turns to glare at him. Captain Ginyu looks up at him and spots the mistletoe on Frieza's head. He grins.)

Frieza: Don't even *think* about it. (Captain Ginyu deflates.)

The End.

Merry Christmas...  I mean... Bah, Humbug!!!

Disclaimer: all the characters are copyright of Akira Toriyama and Toei Animation, and are used without permission, but with great affection. Deirdre is copyright of Jeisre Ice. This story is copyright of  Jeisre Ice. Permission given by the author to copy this story for personal use only, provided no changes are made to the story or this notice.

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