Disclaimer: Athena and fishboy have no right whatsoever to do this to Placebo. We are simply having a bit of fun, so don’t sue us all right? By the way we’d just like to let you know that we don’t have any money and are not likely to get any in the near future either. We do not intend to cause harm, or anything like that. So apologies in advance.

Pairing: Brian/Stefan. (In one way or another hehehe)

Summary: Brian and the band play ‘Queen for a Day.’ Yeah it’s a slightly AU fic.

Rating: Fairly PG but there is some sex involved!

Genre: Comedy with a smattering of angst.

‘Sugar Pills’ by Athena2693 and fishboy.


Brianna Molko pouted at photographer’s suggestion that she open her mouth wider.
"Do I look like a page three model to you, fucker?" She shouted good naturedly.
"Open that vagina like mouth you little slut! Audrey," He pointed to his assistant, "re-do Ms. Molko’s mouth again will you? Make it redder." Audrey approached her warily brandishing a lipstick. Brianna gave her a lecherous look that she surprisingly returned. This caused a flutter in her stomach. Audrey was a petite brunette in her early thirties that Brianna had always fancied. Well the last two times that she’d done photo shoots for this magazine anyway. Audrey pressed the lip color firmly onto her mouth, her scent a subtle mix of wild heather and wildflowers. Brianna giggled inside. Wild heather and wildflowers? Hmm…Stefanie’s slushy lesbian romances had left a residue. After Audrey had finished Brianna turned around and gave Steph a longing look.

"No, I won’t sleep with you Brianna, no matter how much you plump your lips!" That! was the only problem in her otherwise perfect existence, that damn oh-so-straight Steph. She was driving her crazy. She’d flirt back, pose for the photographers but as soon as Brianna so much as dared to place a kiss on that smooth cheek, or on the pale curve of thigh, it was back to the tab A in slot B, penis into vagina rationale. Ever since the Sugar Pills had formed back in 1996, the same dance had been repeated over and over again. Steph would respond to Brianna’s (usually drunken) groping and they would make out and then Steph would realize that she was definitely *not* gay. Brianna sighed heavily, it was such a waste that Steph was so determined about her sexuality. Whereas her on the other hand… color rushed to her cheeks. A little bit of blurring on the sexuality/gender charcoal drawing with a determined finger—
"Good hold that!" The photographer began clicking away.

Stefanie joined them after the shoot (which she’d managed to wriggle out from pleading severe marital problems which they later found out meant that she’d fucked her girlfriend Samantha silly in a glass elevator) at the ‘Carillion’ a new club in the city. As soon as Brianna and Steph walked in they realized why the club was called that. The big, lofty warehouse came equipped with several old fashioned church bells. Steph looked up and said, "Well I wouldn’t like to be the one that stops people from pulling those ropes." She glared at Brianna and said, "No further comments on how you can yank my crank or—"
Brianna interrupted her with a jab into her neat decorated-with-laminated-fairies top.
"Hey, isn’t that Audrey?"
"Yeah and who is that gorgeous man?!" Steph made a beeline in the direction of the cute guy. Brianna shook her head. Straight girls *were* so dick crazy! Brianna couldn’t understand it—it was okay to fuck guys when there was no other alternative, but when there were so many attrac! tive women in the world then why bother?!

"Hey, Bree!" Stefanie was in a good mood, girlfriend Samantha in tow.
"Are you two joined at the hip or something?" She asked the pair. "I might have to give you guys up as friends. You both are deliriously happy and too…functional! I refuse to have friends that aren’t fucked up. It reflects badly on me." Sam gave her a quick hug.
"Hey we’re still fucked up inside, it the constant bonking that is giving you that impression that we’re happy." Brianna laughed at the quick reply.
"At least someone is getting some."
"So where is Steph?" Stefanie queried raising a well plucked eyebrow. Brianna sighed again.
"Where do you think?" She pointed toward where she had seen the girl last. "Chasing dick as usual."
"So you’re still trying to get into her pants?"
"Yep," Brianna said unhappily, "But it doesn’t seem to be working. She’s a stubborn bitch!" Samantha let out a sexy gurgle of laughter.
"Don’t despair sweetie, you eventually wore *me* down!"
"And look where it got me. You’re now having white-picket fence dream with my best friend."
"Oh baby," Sam comforted her, you’ll find someone, I promise."
"Yeah, how come I’m feeling sorry for the poor guy already?" Stefanie ducked as Brianna playfully tried to punch her.
"Get off my case you skanky whore! Now lets get some drinks!"

<><><>

"Do you think I should shave my head", Stefanie considered as they made themselves up for a following interview.
"Why the hell would you shave your head", Brianna asked.
"You'd look like a bitch dyke", Steph pointed out.
"Was I asking you?"
"I was just giving you my opinion."
"Sinead had her head shaved,! and she was beautiful."
"You gonna make a crack about the Pope and make us nobodies also?"
"Ha ha, very funny. Fine, I'll just keep my old, boring haircut."
"Why don't you get some Viking horns and you can look like one of your relatives", Steph suggested.
"Are you looking for a black eye?"
"Bitch."
"Girls, stop it", Brianna interrupted. "We're meeting a man for an interview in an hour, and it'd probably be best if you didn't have clumps of hair missing from your scalps."
Stefanie turned away from her band mate.
"Fine, she should know not to mess with me, especially when I feel like a bloated potato sack."
"Eww, we did not wanna know that. And you're fucking Sam in that condition?"
"Fuck off Steph, I'm not sure if you noticed this, but unlike your stupid method we have quite a few choices."
She walked to the other side of Brianna and began searching for her brush.
"Brianna?"
"What Stefanie?"
"Did you have my brush?"
"Oh, umm, yeah, sorry."
She grabbed the brush out of her purse and handed it to Stefanie.
"So Bree, what are you doing tonight?"
"Getting high then fucking my brains out, this week has been Hell. Why are we so popular in the US?"
"Because they love sexy lesbians hun, don't worry, we'll be leaving in a few days."
"Then we'll be going to Australia, and Europe, and Asia. Doesn't matter, wherever we go we're adored."
"You sound like you're complaining."
"Are you fucking kidding me? Why would I complain, to quote the Beetles, we're bigger then Jesus."
"Alot bigger, we also have the Jews, Hindus, and such. We rule."
"Girls", Steph interrupted.
"What?"
"What if someone hears us?"
"Then we murder them and hang them! from a cross", Brianna cracked.
"Cunt."
"Jeez Steph, somebody's in a bitchy mood today."
She rolled her eyes.
"If you need me, I'll be at the bar getting a drink. You better show up this time, if you ditch me again I'm quitting."
"We'll be there, we'll be there."
They watched their band mate leave the bathroom.
"Nice ass, too bad there's something shoved up it", Stefanie remarked."
"I don't know what her problem is!"
"She's been that way since she broke up with what's-his-name."
"I know, terrible how she lets guys rule her life, there's nothing special about them. All they're good for is making more girls."
"Watch it there, hun."
"Oops, sorry. Brush my hair for me?"
"Sure."
Brianna took the brush from Stefanie and patted the seat for her. She climbed in and leaned back against the chair. Brianna took her long blond hair in her hand and started working out the tangles.
"You weren't really thinking about shaving your head, were you? You have beautiful hair."
"I know, it's long and luxurious, but I've had it the same way for so long. Not to mention it's a bitch to wash."
"Well, that’s what you get for growing it to your ass, chop some of it off, but don't shave it."
"Oh, I won’t. Sam likes it too much."
"Where is she anyway?"
"Had to get some work done, she does have a job you know."
"Really? And here I always thought that was a lie about her doing our web page design as an excuse for her to always be with us."
"Right."
Brianna grabbed a scrunchie and tied her hair in a long ponytail.
"There. Now come on, before Steph comes after us. Ya know, she was right about one thing though."
"What’s that", Stefanie asked sliding out of the chair.
&! quot;You do look like a little Viking with those long braids."
"God, now you?"
Brianna giggled and scampered from the room before she could get hold of her.
"So, you’ve been rumored to be the dirtiest girls in the music biz."
"We know, we don’t really know where that rumor came from", Brianna replied as she sipped at her beer.
"Really, we’re very clean. See!"
Stefanie lifted her shirt quickly, showing a glimpse of pale flesh, then yanked it back down again.
"No dirt, all clean."
It followed with a giggle.
"Umm, yes", the balding man replied uncomfortably, shifting in his chair.
"The thing is", Steph interrupted, "that we wouldn’t be treated like this if it wasn’t for the fact we’re female. If we were guys, no one would find anything wrong with what we’re doing. The drugs, casual sex, and parties would just be looked over as a thing that is expected on our behalf."
"Well, how do you feel being compared to Britney Spears, Stefanie?"
She shrugged nonchalantly.
"I don’t give a fuck, she’s a hot bitch. And besides, mine are real."
"Aren’t you in a relationship at the moment?"
"No comment."

"But people want to know."
"I fucking said no comment!"
She grabbed Brianna’s Bloody Mary and dropped it right on the guy’s head and stormed for the door.
"Umm, I think this interview’s over", Steph said weakly.
Brianna was already running after Stefanie and was jumping on her like a kid. The two ran off giggling together.
"This suit cost $100."
"Send us the bill, we’ll pay for it", she sighed annoyed.

<><><>

Steph groaned as she looked out of their tourbus. "*Those* are our fans? Oh god what did I do to deserve this?" ! She sighed. "Those people aren’t fans they ought to be in school or something." She peered out again. "I think some of them *are* in school uniforms. Oh god." Brianna waved a lazy hand.
"I for one don’t give a shit how old they are or what they are like as long as they buy CD’s. But knowing these computer literate kids these days they’re probably downloading our songs even before we’ve thought of them!" Brianna laughed and held the lighter to her cigarette, inhaling the smoke gratefully.

After touring for as long as they had (she had forgotten how long it had been or for how long she hadn’t seen her cat) after a while every reaction was slowed down as if she was living in tacky syrup. Slow and somewhat tinged with the brown of foggy memories. Stefanie piped up with a chirpy,
"Maybe I should wear a school uniform as well, that guy did say I looked like Britney."
"Yeah if Britney was six foot something and butch." Stefanie pulled a face at Steph.
"You’re such a bitch! And you look really fat in that skirt!" Stefanie laughed as Steph self consciously looked at her bum in front of the mirror.
"You really think I look fat in this?" She asked Brianna. "Give me your honest opinion, please."
"Don’t listen to Stefanie she’s just being an asshole. You look fine… Oh god I’ve got the shittiest cramps!" Brianna moaned. "Stop fighting and leave me in peace while I die here. Hey did you guys remember to buy some Naprogesic?" Steph and Stefanie shook their heads regretfully. "No? Shit. It’s gonna be a lousy concert tonight, that’s for sure."

Despite Brianna’s dire comments, the gig went off without a hitch. Stefanie watched Brianna prance on stage, her presence electrifying even to her, who had seen Brianna in action so many times. Stefanie felt her breasts perk at the thought of fucking Brianna, an! d repeated to herself, ‘Samantha. Remember Samantha. Keep your pants on. Samantha, remember Samantha…’ Brianna glared at her from across the stage as Stefanie suddenly realized that she had missed her cue to play. Hoping no-one besides Brianna had noticed she started playing, her face aflame. There was something about Brianna that caused her insides to seize up and her mind take on the consistency of jello. ‘Samantha remember Samantha…’

Stefanie licked the underside of Brianna’s breast still repeating the same mantra. The pretty pink nipples rose out of the pale almost masculine chest. While most of the time Stefanie preferred women with big chests, Brianna was definitely the exception. Her tongue traced the outer edges of the nipple causing the flesh to harden further. When she took the hard nub fully into her hot mouth, she felt Brianna moan and thrust her body imploringly against Stefanie’s bigger one. Stefanie was happy to oblige her. She stripped Brianna reveling the pale red g-string that hugged her bottom lovingly. She traced a wet line around the corner of the panties tongue following the crimson lace so stark against the pale skin.

Brianna tired of being teased hauled Stefanie on top of her. She then proceeded to undo every button on her silver shirt, extremely slowly.
"Payback." She said softly. "Take off your jeans." Stefanie got off her and slipped off her pants. She felt a little shy under that assessing gaze, clad in only her plain black sports bra and matching functional undies. She was relieved when Brianna said, "Lovely." She didn’t understand why Brianna’s opinion was so important to her, it just was. She clambered back onto the bed, crushing Brianna in the process. "Oof!" She exclaimed. "You’re a big girl aren’t you?" Stefanie tried not to analyse the comment, I hope she doesn’t think I’m fat… I’m just large that’s all… Bria! nna unhooked Stefanie’s bra, revealing large dusky nipples. All thoughts fled her mind as Brianna caressed her body.

"Oh my god." Stefanie glared at Brianna. "No fucking way is that thing coming anywhere near me! There is a reason why I’m a dyke you know!" The thing in question was a purple dildo shaped like a cat. Brianna pouted.
"It’s not a dick though. Pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top?"
"NO!" Stefanie kept looking at the unusual object. Despite herself she was fascinated by it. Brianna knowing Stefanie as well as she did, knew that she was wavering.
"Let me, please…"

Brianna’s teeth captured her clit and her tongue began to flick at it mercilessly. Stefanie groaned, bliss exuding from every pore. So when she felt something pushing at the entrance, she opened her legs further. "OH…MY…GOD…" Stefanie hissed as the dildo slid all the way into her. "I shouldn’t be doing this." She said helplessly.
"Don’t worry about it sweetie I won’t tell her. Anyway we are practically sisters or something so it’s not cheating."
"I don’t know how you can rationalize it like that!"
"Well I hate to tell you this," Brianna’s nasal voice was sarcastic, "but I’m not the one who is fucking someone else while in a *monogamous*," She giggled, "relationship." Stefanie looked like she was about to burst into tears. "Fine. Fuck you. Or rather *not*." Brianna eyed the purple dildo. She began to get dressed.

"Come on, I really need some", Brianna whined.

"If you want it, you gotta pay for it", the dealer repeated in his cold tone. "I don’t care if you are Brianna Molko; I’m not giving you any for free."

"But I forgot my purse at the hotel", she whispered, hugging her body.

She had just left ! the building immediately after getting dressed. She couldn’t stand to stay in the same building with that bitchy cunt. But she hadn’t thought to take a coat or money or ID. She should’ve known not to go out wearing a t-shirt in New York City in November. Especially at night. Nobody bothered her. She just walked and walked until she found herself in a rundown part of town. It wasn’t hard to find a dealer, but one problem; she didn’t have any money.

"Tough shit. You gotta pay."

"Do you want my watch; it’s pure gold?"

"No, I couldn’t trust a little whore like you."

"Come on man, I’ll give you anything. Just name it."

"Come with me."

He turned and started down the sidewalk. Brianna hesitated, biting her lip. She followed him obediently down an unoccupied alley. The man had taken a seat on a trashcan and was unzipping his pants.

"Come here."

He wasn’t that bad looking. Soft looking black hair, kind of wiry build. Maybe about 35 years old. Well, if it meant she’d get what she wanted...

"Do you know where Brianna is", Steph asked, entering Stefanie’s room.

"How the fuck would I know", came a voice.

"Where are you?"

"Bathtub."

Steph creaked open the door and peaked in. Stefanie was lounging in the bathtub.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?"

"No, fuck head. You said you were gonna come into my room and help me with the new song."

"Well, I don’t fucking feel like it, okay? I’ve had a really bad day."

"Shit, what’s up your ass?"

"Mine? Look who’s been a bitch for the last several weeks!"

"I couldn’t help it, okay? I’ve just been a bit on the! edge; we all get like that now and then."

Stefanie made a sigh and laid back against the hard tub.

"Great sight we make. Two bitches having an argument in the bathroom. And to think how many adolescent boys would love to be here at the moment."

Steph couldn’t help but giggle. Stefanie smiled over at her.

"Well, I guess we should get to work", she considered, climbing to her feet.

She reminded Steph of Aphrodite. The Greek Goddess of Beauty with long golden hair that was formed from the foam of the sea. She shook the thought from her head and forced herself to look away, blushing.

"Honey, where are you?"

Sam entered the bathroom. They hadn’t even heard her come in.

"Umm, hi Sam. You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here right", Steph asked nervously.

"Why would I be wondering that? You’re straight after all."

"Right. Good. I was just talking to out bassist about a song."

Stefanie gave her a weird look.

"Come on Stefanie, you promised to take me out for dinner."

"Okay, okay. Sorry Steph, I’m busy right now. Later, okay?"

"Umm, sure, that’s fine. I gotta find Bree anyway."

She turned and started for the door, leaving the two girls alone in the bathroom.




"What was that stuff", Brianna whispered hoarsely.

"Nothing that will hurt you Hun", Diamond, the dealer, told her softly.

She felt her hair being brushed out of her eyes. She slapped the man’s hand weakly.

"Stop it, I didn’t say you could touch me."

"You’re a spunky one. I can touch you all I want sweetie."

"Bastard", she murmured through slit eyes.

"True, my parents hardly knew each other."
She pushed him away and climbed to her feet.

"I gotta get back to the hotel. They’re probably looking for me."

"Hey sweetie", the man interrupted.

"What?"

"You might wanna put your jeans back on."

She glanced down to see she was only wearing a pair of panties.

"Fucker. I hope you enjoyed that, because that’s the last time you ever see me."

She leaned down and grabbed her pants off the concrete and stepped into them, a little dizzy.

"If this stuff kills me, I’m going to sue your ass."

"How are you going to do that?"

She wrinkled her nose at Diamond.

"Fine, I’ll come haunt you. I’ll throw fake metal rings at you and send the police here to arrest you occasionally."

"Right Hun. Go sleep it off, you’re fucked up."

"Don’t tell me what to do", she hissed.

She turned and started for the sidewalk.

"Women", Diamond muttered as he watched her leave.




"Brianna, is that you?"

"Steph? Oh, what are you doing here?"

"Fuck, what are you on?"

"I don’t know, but I’m not feeling very good."

"Oh God. Okay, come here honey. You better not be ODing on me."

"I, I’m not. I don’t think I am anyway."

Steph opened the limo door and brought Brianna back in with her. She was covered in little pieces of gravel.

"What happened to you?"

"I fucked a guy on a trashcan", she murmured.

"What?"

"A pothead. He wouldn’t give me any unless I gave him some."

"No wonder everyone thinks you’re a slut."

"Stop lecturing me, my head hurts."

"My ! poor baby. Come on, cuddle up to me."

She rested her head on Steph’s chest. Brianna closed her eyes, concentrating on her band mate's heartbeat. Steph stroked her dusty hair lovingly.

"I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you Bree. We’ll have to find a new lead singer."

"Steph?"

"Hmm?"

"I gotta puke."

"Oh shit!"

She grabbed her head and directed it between her legs to the floor just in time.

"What did you eat", Steph cooed, rubbing her back comfortingly.

She groaned aloud.

"I ruined your shoes."

<><><>

Stefanie grabbed Steph’s hand as they sat shell shocked in the patients waiting area in Emergency. They had been sitting in the same place for what seemed like hours just staring at the reception desk and the triage sister in charge. So far nobody had come to inform them about Brianna’s condition and both of them were by now thinking the worst.
"That goddamn idiot!" Stefanie burst out. "If she wasn’t dying, I’d kill her myself. That irresponsible—"
"Shush. She’ll be fine." Steph squeezed Stefanie’s hand harder. "A stubborn bitch like her won’t give up that easily."
"I did you know. I sent her out there." Stefanie said wearily. "I sent her out there to die."
"What?" Steph sounded puzzled with good reason. "What the hell are you going on about?"
"Well we were fucking and I felt really guilty about Sam so I said that I wanted to stop. Brianna called me a hypocritical bitch and stormed out of there. And she ended up fucking that dealer for some of whatever she took."
"Listen to me, Stefanie, it wasn’t your fault. Brianna bought all this upon herself, cause she is a contrary cunt. It’s not your fault."
! "Then why do I feel so responsible?"

Stefanie and Steph clung to each other metaphorically and physically as the hours passed. By the time morning was streaking the cold walls and they had read every magazine dating back to 1965, they finally had some news on Brianna’s condition. The impossibly young doctor flipped through his clipboard and announced,
"It was a bit rocky at first, but she surprised us by stabilizing. You’ve got a survivor there."
"We know." Stefanie said and burst into tears.

The two angry faces that glared at Brianna from the end of her hospital bed was enough for her to wish that she had died.
"I’m sorry." She started.
"You’ve got to get your act together, Brianna, or we both walk." Brianna gazed into the eyes of her two friends and believed every word they said.
"I’m sick of worrying that you’re not going to make it, every time you do this. I’m not your mother, it’s not my job."
"My mother wouldn’t give a damn anyway. She wanted me to become a nun." Brianna laughed rather hysterically. "I am not nun material as you guys know."
"Whatever. This the last time, all right?"
"Yes. I’m sorry." Brianna said again.

They landed at Sydney Airport after Brianna had managed to piss off everyone on the flight.
"God, I’m so embarrassed." Steph said ducking her head as the rest of the passengers disembarked. "I don’t want to be seen with you."
"I can’t believe you sang ‘I’m a happy little vegemite’ for three hours straight. What the hell did I do to deserve this?" Brianna lobbed a big wet kiss on Steph’s neck.
"Don’t worry my sweeties this is Australia, sun, hot bods and beaches. So be miserable no longer!"
"Huh." Stefanie sighed. "The only thing that’ll make me happy is one ! Brianna Molko skewered, roasted and served on a large platter." Brianna who had skipped ahead of them didn’t hear her. She sighed. Sometimes she wished that she’d never wanted to be in a band, who knows if she hadn’t met Brianna again she could have been someone’s secretary.

"Thank you," Brianna managed before running off the stage.
"They want an encore." Steph came running after her. "That was great!" Brianna gave her sickly look and threw up her dinner.
"Hey, I never knew that I was that revolting!" Steph laughed.
"That was not funny. This stomach bug is really beginning to piss me off. Whatever aussies put in their water—Argh!" She hurled up the remnants of her dinner that had managed to survive the first expulsion.
"Right. We’re taking you to a doctor, now. I’ve had enough of you throwing up in corners." Brianna nodded weakly.
"Okay."

She stared at the doctor somehow unsurprised at the news.
"I’m pregnant?"

<><><>

"Oh, god Stefanie what am I going to do?" Brianna looked at her band mate with teary eyes.
"I don’t know. I don’t know what to say." Stefanie said helplessly.
"Shit, shit, shit." Brianna’s mascara ran down her pale cheeks streaking them with black. "Fuck! Damn that bastard Diamond, and damn me for fucking him!" Steph came up from behind Brianna and hugged her, clasping her arms around the frail body. Steph couldn’t believe that Brianna was pregnant, the thin figure seemed incapable of sustaining herself, much less a child. Brianna somehow managed to gather herself together, giving Stefanie and Steph a determined look. "I think I know what I want to do." She said quietly.

Brianna tried to hide her whole body behind her dark glasses. Now that she was here she wasn’t as certain as she had been in fr! ont of her friends. She turned away from the building, walking down the street to the brightly lit McDonald’s. ‘How could you be so stupid?’ She asked herself for the hundredth time. Fucking without a condom, for god’s sake. Brianna could see her mother’s accusing eyes clearly, forever telling her what a disappointment she was to the family. Brinna shook the thought off and sat down in the corner booth with her Big Mac. As she munched she listed the pros’ and con’s, silently laughing that she was determining someone’s life as if she was writing a shopping list for the week’s groceries.

Brianna’s legs were firmly in the stirrups. She felt the gynecologist fumble in between her legs and thought bleakly to herself, ‘I wish I was a guy…’

The End