A ripple of calm tunes emerged from Brian's room when Stefan opened the door. Some days had passed since the night they had met Christian, days followed by nights just as drunken as that one. Now the band was getting rather tired and had decided to take an evening off the hard job to "partay", as Brian insisted on calling it, instead they'd chosen to just stay in Brian's apartment, watch TV, talk, snooze, eat pizza, drink a beer or two and in Brian's case to work on some songs. He'd retreated to his room with his guitar about half an hour ago, leaving Steve and Stefan with their rented video tape - "Labyrinth", which actually Brian had chosen to refresh his memory of David Bowie in tights.

Steve was snoring in front of the herd of panicking little goblins when the boulders crashed Goblin City. Stefan had seen the movie a billion times already so he had decided it was time to have a private and rather sober chat with Brian, something they hadn't had for quite some while.

Brian looked up from his guitar when Stefan entered. He was sitting on his bed, numberless pages spread in front of him, some of them with scribbled words, some with chord tables and others where Brian had started to jot down music for the songs.

"Hiya there," Brian said and yawned. "What time is it?"

"Around midnight."

"Fuck, and I'm tired already. Must be getting old." He sniggered.

Stefan dug a whole into the mass of paper and sat down next to Brian. The singer put away his guitar and put his arm around Stefan, leaning against him. Stefan hugged him and began to disentangle his hair.

"What is it, Stef?" Brian asked after a little while, his voice now sounding sleepy.

"Can we talk? I mean, aren't you too tired?"

"I'm fine." Brian forced himself to sit up and look at Stefan.

The bassist sighed. "You know... I did mean what I said the other day. I really had a huge crush on Christian. I never would have dared to tell him, of course. I never would have guessed he was gay either."

Brian nodded pensively. "And?"

"Are you sure he's gay?"

Brian shrugged. "Is Christian gay... I'd say yes. I mean, he could be bisexual for all I know, but he sure as hell likes men."

"What exactly happened in school?"

"Well..." Brian paused for a moment. A huge wave of forgotten emotions was welling up again, but Stef was one of his best friends and had a right to know. "He - he came up to me once, I had caught him searching my bag for money in the changing room, and then he stole my towel so I was naked and then he threatened me - and then he started to, uh, you know, touch me. That's how it started. Later he found out about me and Frank and got really jealous, but he didn't get through with it."

"And the other night?"

"He asked me to go home with him," Brian said, suddenly feeling guilty a little, "not the other way round."

"But you didn't say no."

"No."

Stefan intensely stared at a piece of paper on the floor. "Well," he finally said, "you couldn't know I fancied him."

"No."

"Does he still look good?"

Brian hesitated.

Stefan smiled bitterly. "So he does."

"Yes." Brian cleared his voice. "If - if that's your type, you know..."

"What - tall, athletic, good-looking, intelligent?"

"Uhm..." Brian blushed. "Well, I guess nobody would turn a shag like that down."

Stefan sighed. "You're a lucky little bastard, Brian."

"Hey, I told you, I know where he lives. You could visit him and -"

"And what? Tell him I knew I was gay since - since practically ever, that I've been spying on him, that I had wet dreams about him and then ask him if he would mind fucking a bit?" Stefan shook his head. "You know, it was difficult for me, back in school. There was Christian and Devin and also Michael teasing you about your drama club, calling you faggot and stuff like that - and they were my friends, and I was gay but they didn't know, so I couldn't really tell them to shut up..."

"Christian had the same problems, hadn't he?" Brian interrupted. "That's a good start - you've got something in common."

"Really?"

Brian thought for a moment. "No," he said then, "you always tried to keep out of it. Christian was always the worst of them all, even worse than Devin. Wank me, punch me and then tell lies about me. That's Christian."

Yes, that was Christian. Then. But now? Maybe he had changed. Maybe he'd come out - to his friends, his parents or at least to himself... The idea hit Brian full front, then one of the little voices asked whether it was possible he had fallen in love with his recent one-night-acquaintance. Another voice chimed in, declaring that if Christian was more comfortable about being gay now, things could even work out... a third voice was guilt-stricken and told Brian he couldn't possibly go with Christian since it'd hurt Stefan's feelings. Brian tried to ignore them all, which didn't impress them a bit.

Stefan remained silent.

"You know, people change," Brian said after a moment, speaking to get rid off his thoughts. "Look at me! I mean, ten or twelve years ago... and now... I never thought I'd dare to wear skirts or makeup in public, and now it's what I do for a living."

"So you think Christian is a happy little queer now?"

Brian honestly didn't know, so he just shrugged. The idea was intriguing, though... "Can't imagine that," he added after a while, shooing the thought away, "but who knows? He... he asked me not to go when I left him," he heard himself say, wondering why he said it at all. Another case of failing brain-mouth-connection.

"Really?" Stefan raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah."

"But you did. Leave him."

"Yeah."

"And?"

"What?" Brian asked back, glaring defiantly at Stefan. *Be very careful*, said this glare, *this is a tricky subject!* Stefan had seen this look a lot since ever he met Brian again in the South Kensington tube, and he had come to know that often it was wise to heed the unspoken advice and change the subject.

This time, however, Stefan chose to ignore the unspoken warning. "And did you call him or anything?"

"No." Hint of strain in Brian's voice, the harbinger of anger.

"Why not?" Stefan asked as innocent as possible.

"Stef, fuck, we're talking about Christian!"

Stefan smirked provokingly. "Bad memories didn't keep you from wiggling your ass in his direction..." Brian pulled away from Stefan's embrace. He was positively fuming now. Stefan only looked at him with a smile. "Could it be, Brian, that you're just scared he might turn out to be nice after all?"

"Christian isn't NICE!" bellowed Brian. "He's a homophobic brat who wants nothing more than get it on with another guy!"

"Sorry, shy and coy nancy boy with his secret lover and dressing-ups in the basement," Stefan replied scathingly, "of course you were the spokesperson for gay rights at school."

Brian's eyes glowed with fury, but there was also confusion in them. Finally, he lowered his head. "What do you want, Stef? He was YOUR sweetheart, not mine. I only cared about Frank."

"You've always been a heartbreaker, then?" Stefan asked softly. "Have you ever thought what it might have been like for Chris? Having a crush on you, being homophobic, realizing he was gay and not daring to admit it to anyone?"

"I don't WANT to know what it was like for him!" Brian spat furiously. "I don't give a flying fuck!"

"How about the times you were left without notice and he or she never called you back?" Stefan asked. "I clearly remember you crying a lot of times..."

Brian's expression changed from fury to the familiar coolness under which he always buried his emotions whenever he thought they were getting too strong. Stefan sighed inwardly. Seemed the conversation was over.

"If you're so worried about him, pay him a visit and comfort him," Brian hissed. "Good to know you care more about the guy that bullied and hurt me than about me!"

Stefan groaned. "Bri..."

Brian just got up and walked out of the room. He sat down next to Steve, who looked up drowsily. "Hey," he said and yawned, "you just missed the scene with the Escher stairs."

"Well, that's no problem, is it?" Brian replied easily and grabbed the remote control to press the fast rewind button.

Finally giving in to the insisting knocks and angry shouts, Christian switched off the horrible TV-movie he was watching, got up and opened the door.

"About time!" Derek hissed, pushing him aside to enter.

"Sorry," muttered Christian, but Derek didn't seem to hear him. He walked straight to the fridge and took out a can of beer.

"Can I offer you anything?" Christian asked pointedly, watching Derek slurp the beer.

Derek just stared at him.

Christian's face wrinkled with thought for a moment. "Jenna?" he asked then.

Derek nodded silently.

"It's over?"

Another nod, this time with tear-misted eyes.

"For sure?" Christian pressed on, as gentle as possible, walking closer to his friend.

Derek swallowed hard. "Yupp. Over."

"I'm sorry, Derry, I really am."

"Ah, well, I know you didn't like the bitch anyway!"

Christian shrugged. What use would it be to deny that Jenna was nothing but a greedy, selfish slut?

Derek sniffled and choked hard on his unshed tears. Christian watched him with pity. Boys don't cry, he thought, shit, that's one cruel society we live in, and that little idiot really loved the egoistic whore!

"Wanna get drunk and pass out in my living room?" he offered at last.

Derek looked at him and finally laughed out loud, a bitter laugh, but a genuine laugh.

"Well?" Christian asked with a smile.

Derek shook his head. "You're a real friend, Chris, do you know that? I mean, what more could a friend do than offer to pass out in his apartment?"

Christian laughed. "Well, we all have out little ups and downs. You're positively very down, I'm not so far up myself -"

"Something happened?" Derek interrupted.

"No, not really. Just - met... someone. Someone I once knew."

"Ex-girlfriend?"

"What is it with all of you and ex-girlfriends?" Christian exploded. "Why does everyone think this is about an ex-girlfriend?"

"Whoa, sorry, man!" Derek backed a little, surprised by the intensity of Christian's reaction. "Forgive me I was born!"

Christian sighed. "Never mind. I'M sorry. You're the one with the problem here. You know what, just stay here and I'll hop over to the store and get us some better booze than beer, okay?"

"Okay."

Christian was close to really lose it when he came back to his apartment and was greeted by Brian's voice. He felt REALLY very inclined to smash his bottle of Jack Daniel's right on Derek's head, Derek who had dared to switch on the TV, to decide on watching MTV and to insist on watching the Nancy Boy-video this very second. He stared at Brian's face on the TV and suddenly wondered why he was thinking about hurting his friend when he could so easily just throw the TV out of the window.

"Oh, JD!" Derek said with an anticipating smile. "Get some glasses, will you?"

Trembling with anger, shame and pain, Christian somehow managed to get two glasses without taking his eyes from the TV, simultaneously asking himself why he was torturing himself like this, why he didn't just ask Derek to switch to another channel. But he somehow couldn't. It hurt to see Brian, but not seeing him at all was even more uncomfortable. The memory of Brian slowly licking his way down his belly was suddenly very strong.

"Like the song?" Derek asked, perfectly innocent of course, but Christian could have happily murdered him right away. He forced himself to shrug and smile politely.

"I do," Derek said, "got the record some time last year. Do you have it? I know they look like a bunch of fags trying to make money by just looking a bit outrageous, but they're really talented."

"I don't care much for music," Christian replied, marveling at the perfect disinterested tone of his own voice.

"Bad for you," Derek said, then sipped on his drink, "can't wait for them to play Nancy Boy at Top of the Pops." He sniggered. "Imagine all the little mommies and daddies watching this nice chart show with their kiddies..."

"Derry, are we going to talk about music or about you and Jenna?" Christian interrupted before he could totally lose control and tell Derek what a selfish little bitch that 'gorgeous' Brian Molko really was, what a quick fuck who didn't give a damn about other people's feelings.

Derek sighed. "Sorry. Just thought you might like them, since you're, well, you know, this incident with Todd on New Year's Eve..."

"I told you to never mention that again!" Christian growled, heat flashing through is face and causing it to blush violently at the memory of Derek catching him and Todd Baxter snogging and rummaging in each other's underwear during the party.

Derek grinned. "Alcohol is your friend, Chris... frees the tongue, you know, and not only to speak... But anyway. Let's get pissed, as you said." He raised his glass. "A curse to all women! May their tits shrink and may they never have an orgasm again!"

A laugh forced itself on Christian. "Okay, if you say so," he replied before emptying his glass with a few gulps.

"Like it'd matter to you," Derek sniggered, "I bet you couldn't care less about women anyway!"

Christian chose to ignore this last comment and filled up his glass again instead.