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Luxemburger Queen -- Part 8 8: Conversation It was the longest morning ever. Brian could hardly bear to sit through the lessons. His mind wasn't following the droning on of the teachers, it was fixed on the lunch break. Frank. He'd meet Frank. He'd know what was going on. See whether it was a real thing or just some fooling around of teenage boys. It was hard to sit calm and wait. He felt electrified. His mouth was dry and his hands were wet, funny thing that, should have been the other way round. He felt like he was going out of his mind watching the digits on his watch. Had time decided to play tricks on him? Why wasn't it passing? Twice that morning teachers asked him questions, which he didn't notice at first and then answered with a shrug and a leave-me-alone-glance. The class sniggered as usual. Brian ignored them. He sat on his place, head down, gaze fixed on his college block, scribbling senseless patterns onto it, doodling around, making up rhymes with the most impossible words, rearranging words to form anagrams, anything that'd make time pass more quickly. It was only the bell after the English lesson that caused Brian to move - it was the last lesson before the lunch break. Surprising his teacher and the class with the speed of his movements, he was out of the room before the teacher had even finished to announce the homework. Of course, he had been too fast. Frank wasn't there yet. Brian cursed silently, got his food and sat down at the same table as before, sipping nervously at his juice and watching the doors, which was difficult as they were opposing each other so he could only ever watch one door at the time. This lead to him turning his head constantly from the left to the right and back, but Brian didn't care. At least until Christian blocked his look at the door. "Waiting for your sweetie, fag?" he asked with a sneer. Brian sighed. "Why are you asking, queer?" Christian's face instantly turned red with anger. "Why, you little -" "Oh, come on, Chris, knock it off, your friends aren't around!" interrupted Brian angrily. "Why can't you be man enough to admit to yourself you fancied me in the changing room, huh?" Christian breathed heavily. "I'm no fucking faggot, and you'd better keep your mouth shut about it!" Brian giggled. "You DO realize how you're just contradicting yourself, aren't you?" Christian stared at him, speechlessly, dumbfounded, gaping. "Face it, Chris. Maybe you aren't gay, I'll give you that much. But you DO think I'm sexy." Christian threw him a long, confused, angry look and then left to walk to the basketball team without saying a further word to Brian. Behind Brian, a well-known laugh rang. "Wow, Bri, guess he isn't used to hearing that from a guy!" said Frank, sitting down now, grinning broadly. "And right you are, you know?" he added with a softer expression. "Cause you ARE damn sexy." Brian blushed and almost knocked his glass over. "So . uhm . how are you?" "Fine. And you? Hope you aren't . exhausted or so." Frank winked. Brian choked on his food. "Uhm, no, really, I'm not," he muttered, blushing again, then he assembled his courage to add: "You could test me on that, you know?" Frank's smile faded as he swallowed. "Really? Oh, that ." "Do you want to?" "Yes! Yes, Bri, very much so, honestly, I'm just a bit, well, surprised, you know?" "Frank?" "Hm?" Brian took a deep breath. "I . damn, I can't do this, not here," he mumbled, looking around at all the chattering people around them. "What?" asked Frank confused. "I . I want to - I want to be with you." Frank grinned. "I thought we'd just agreed on that." "No, no, Frank, what I meant was, like, you know ." Brian swallowed, throwing Frank a hopeful glance, silently begging him to understand without words. He did. And blushed. And shifted on his chair. "Uhm, Bri, I . I don't know ." "Listen, I know you don't want your parents to know you're gay, but -" "It's not that, Bri, it's just . I just . I mean . gosh, can't we discuss this later somewhere private?" Frank glared at three boys who'd just started to fight for some stupid reason or the other. "Frank, I've waited throughout the whole morning for this." Brian was surprised about himself. Since when was he so determined? Frank sighed and looked at Brian. Brian bit his lip and stared down onto his plate. "I think - I think I'm in love with you," he whispered anxiously. They were sitting in the empty classroom, Frank on a chair, Brian on the teacher's desk with his feet banging against it rhythmically. They hadn't spoken a word since Frank had hoarsely suggested to try and find a calmer place to continue the conversation. Now they were here, avoiding to look at each other. After a while, Frank spoke. "When did that happen?" Brian shrugged with a helpless, fearful smile. "I don't know, it just did, I realized yesterday." "I CAN'T be with you!" Frank exclaimed with a scared voice, standing up, starting to pace across the room. "I just can't! You don't know my parents, they'd kill me, not to speak of all the guys here at school and -" "You think it'd be that much easier for me?" Brian asked, hurt. "I'm in enough trouble already!" "So why?" asked Frank helplessly. "Why do you urge me like this?" "I don't. I . I just said what I was thinking." "And you think you're in love with me?" "Yes." Brian paused. "Aren't you? With me?" he then asked, fear choking his voice. Frank abruptly turned to look at him, frowning, but his face soon became smooth and his gaze soft as he inspected the boy sitting on the desk. "You're one cute guy, Brian, you know that," he said meekly. "Answer my question!" Brian commanded, disappointment rising inside him, making his voice sound much more harsh and hostile than he had intended to. Frank shook his head. "I don't know," he whispered. Then he saw the look on Brian's face. "Gosh, Bri, I don't really know you, do I? I - I think you're the cutest guy around and certainly one of the most intelligent ones and I think you're a great actor and you're just fuckable when you flash me this little girl's smile of yours, but I don't know whether that's love or whatever it is, okay?" Brian felt like something was dying inside him. "Okay," he answered simply, his voice barely audible, and glided down from the table. "Guess I'll see you in drama club then." He made for the door. "Bri!" Frank blocked his way, looking pleadingly at him. "Come on, Bri, that wasn't what I meant, I meant that maybe if we just spent some time together, you know, to get to know each other!" "And then?" hissed Brian. "Then, if you found out that you're in love with me after all, would you walk up to your parents to present your new boyfriend?" Frank stared at him with horror. "I thought so!" spat Brian, tears welling up in his eyes. "So you just want to spend some time with me for the fun, get me to bed as often as possible and then dump me to date a nice little alibi-girl, cheerleader or whatever! Oh Jesus, Frank, you're such a fucking hypocrite!" He shouted out the last words, then pushed Frank aside and ran out of the room, sobbing with anger and disappointment. He heard Frank's pleading voice calling after him but he didn't care. He could hardly breathe with all the sobs in his throat, and he couldn't see a thing for all the tears in his eyes. That was it? That easily? Over? He took a few turns through the school's corridors, then slumped down on the floor, leaning against the wall and just cried. Nobody was there, and even if there were people, what did it matter? He loved Frank. He did. But the asshole didn't give a shit about him! More sobs where breaking out of him. He was shaking with them, burying his face in his arms which were resting on his knees. He couldn't remember that he had ever felt this miserable. This just couldn't be! Oh, damn it, but yes, it could! "I hate you," he whispered lowly and swallowed. "Now what have I done THIS time, then?" an annoyed voice asked. Brian jumped and stared up at Stefan, quickly wiping the tears out of his face. "What the fuck are you doing here, moron, shouldn't you be at lunch?" he hissed at the tall boy. "And what about you?" "Don't give me that shit, just leave me alone, okay?" growled Brian. "The last thing I need now is one of YOU guys!" "All right, forgive me that I'm alive!" Stefan said bewildered and walked down the corridor. Brian heard voices, Christian and Devin it seemed, and Michael too. Fuck! "What's wrong with the nerd?" Devin's voice asked and Brian could almost see the common sneer even though his eyes were closed. Not. Not this, please, not them, not now. He'd had enough already. Please, just leave me alone, just this once, pretty pretty please . "Come on, we can't just let him sit here like this," Stefan's voice said lowly and concerned. "Why not?" asked Devin. "I'm going down for lunch, so come on, guys." Footsteps walked away. But softly, the sound of sneakers approaching reached Brian's ear. Leave me alone, Stef, he thought, looking up angrily. But it wasn't Stef. It was Christian. Brian heard himself sobbing desperately. "Please, Chris, I can't take any more shit today!" he pressed out tonelessly. Christian sat down next to him, rummaging his pockets and producing a handkerchief, with which he started to wipe Brian's face. "Shh," he muttered, looking embarrassed, "God, what's wrong with you, Bri, can't you ever act normally?" Another wave of sobs was breaking over Brian, blocking his brain, making him unable to think. "He dumped me, just like that, like nothing, after all we did yesterday and he doesn't care about that I love him and he's just the most fucking stupid moronic excuse for a human being on this planet and I wish I was as tall as Stef cause then I'd smash his face into pieces and put the pieces into an envelop and send it to his parents," he gasped for air, "and write on it 'this is your son who's too much of a coward to admit he's gay, so he got what he deserved, that stupid son of a motherfucking bitch, and fuck you too'!" Brian took a deep, desperate breath. Beside him, Christian stared with amazement until a chuckle broke his way. "Jesus, Brian, I guess you should apply for the Guinness Book of Records for the longest sentence," he said with a smile. Brian turned his head and looked at Christian without saying a word, tears streaming over his face. Christian's smile vanished and was replaced with pity. "Come here," he whispered, reaching out for Brian, taking him into his arms. Brian didn't know how long he was there on the floor with Christian, half lying, half sitting, his face buried in Christian's T-shirt. It must have been several minutes. Then Brian broke free, sniffled and blew his nose in the handkerchief Christian offered him. "I really loved him," he then whispered, his voice eaten up by all the crying. Christian blinked uneasily. Brian realized how difficult this whole situation had to be for the boy he'd privately nominated for the title of Mr Homophobic 1987. "Listen," Christian said then, "I don't - I don't know what's going on here, really, I think you're talking about Frank, but ." he swallowed and moistened his lips with his tongue, "this much I know from my last girlfriend, if you tell someone that you're in love with her - or him - and you end up crying, it means that person is a moron, so just forget about that idiot, okay?" He took a deep breath. "And I'm sorry I punched you the other day, it was pretty unfair and cowardly." He offered Brian his hand. "Peace?" Brian laughed out roughly. "Peace? Are you kidding? Next time Devin decides to hang me out of the window again, you'll just -" "I'll tell him to leave you alone," Christian interrupted, biting his lip. "Don't get me wrong. You're not a person I want to hang around with. But one thing I know for sure, and that is that I'd really feel shitty if you decided to copy that character in that play you guys are going to put up, you know, this suicide-stuff. Don't think about that, okay? Cause I know I did when my girlfriend broke up in April." "I'm not going to give up that easily," Brian said silently, a devilish glimmer appearing in his eyes. "Good. Peace then?" Brian hesitated, then took the hand. "Peace. You'll leave me alone. And I'll stop calling you a fag." "Yes. Peace. But don't dare sneaking after me or stuff like that, okay, I'm not your fucking baby-sitter or protector or -" "Chris, the last thing on earth I want to do is to lick your shoes, okay, cause you're a fucking basketball nerd with no brains!" "Says the gay actor with the girl's face!" retorted Christian, winking at Brian. "Anyway. Just keep out of my way and I'll leave you alone." "Deal." Brian sniffled. "And now leave me alone." Christian stood up, then hesitated and looked down at Brian. "Will you be okay?" Brian forced a grin. "You mean, will I become even more fucked-up than I already am? Probably." Christian grimaced. "Well, good luck then." "Thanks. And please ." "Of course not, what do you think I am? I won't tell anyone about you two." Brian smiled. "Thanks." "See you then." "Can't avoid it, I guess." Christian frowned. "Bastard!" he grunted and then strutted down the corridor to find his friends. [I wrote this chapter while being in a very bad mood about a guy I know . so maybe it's a bit out of place in the story, I never really planned for Frank and Bri to break up so early before things have really started, and I never planned for Christian to turn out such a nice guy, but here we are, tell me what you think - if it's utter crap, maybe I'll rewrite it!] Prev | Next Home |