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A Sea-Change Stef leaned on the seawall and watched the sun dancing on the waves. Further out the water was opaque, but closer to the shore he could see the dark outlines of submerged objects--rocks, perhaps, or old oil-drums or bikes people had thrown in. They were indistinct now and their identity could only be guessed at, but one day either human action would drag them to the surface, or nature would draw back the water, and they would be revealed for what they were. The sea, he thought, was a constant, yet constantly changing. It was a bit like that with the band; the music, the image, their own attitudes and personalities and relationships, continued to grow and alter, yet they were always there for each other. Yet maybe even that would change, maybe the time would come for them all to move on. The only certain thing was uncertainty. Expect the unexpected. He hadn�t expected, for instance, to find love--romantic, sexual love, that is--within the band. Ofcourse it was what any onlooker might have predicted--him being gay and Brian bi--it seemed so pat. People always assumed that if you were gay, you�d fall in love or lust with any other bloke who was too; they didn�t seem to make the same assumption about every man and woman who worked together. But Stef had known (as had Brian) that it didn�t work like that. They�d assumed from the start that they�d be friends as well as colleagues, but more than that--well, it might just possibly happen, but you didn�t expect it as such. So was almost amusing how things had worked out. He�d fallen hard, hadn�t really dared to hope for reciprocation, and had discovered it so sweetly, with such surprised delight. He was very happy. He closed his eyes now and smiled, thinking of black hair curled around his fingers and soft skin against his lips. "Thinking about me?" asked a familiar voice. He opened his eyes and returned that amused, tender smile. "Where did you come from? I didn�t hear you sneaking up on me." "Doesn�t matter; I�m here now. Anyway, you didn�t answer the question." Stefan laughed softly. "Alright, bighead, yes, I was thinking of you. Thinking about you makes me smile. Happy now?" "Very much so. Give us a kiss." They brushed their lips against each other slowly and sweetly, ignoring the looks from passersby. "Come and sit with me, Steve, love. Talk with me." They wandered over to one of the benches that faced the sea and sat down. Steve took Stefan�s hand and held it between both of his, resting on his thigh. There was a pause as they both just enjoyed the moment, the sun caressing them like a benediction. "You know, just before you came," said Stef, "I was thinking about how people have hidden qualities and characteristics that sometimes even they don�t know about. Things that stay hidden for years, maybe, and then come to the surface and surprise even them." "That�s me you�re talking about, isn�t it, love?" "Mm. Didn�t it surprise you when you found out?" "It wasn�t a shock, if that�s what you mean. More like something crystallising...you know how sometimes you suddenly know something but you also realise that you�ve known it all along, you just didn�t realise that you knew it?" "I think so," said Stef, remembering his own time of realisation. "For me," Steve said, "it was that moment when you were smiling at me like that and I suddenly knew I wanted to kiss you. I was surprised, yeah--very surprised, but it seemed right, too. Blame it on having been round you and Brian so long...you�d made it seem so natural and comfortable. It�s like it rubbed off on me." "We recruit," said Stef. They both laughed. "We�re like all those creatures living in the sea," Stef went on. "They live in a medium that moves and changes and moves them with it. Life�s fluid; we�re fluid. We just never know how things are going to work out, and that�s fine." "I�m certainly happy with the present state of things," said Steve. "Me too. I don�t want that to change, but maybe it will." "It doesn�t have to. We can keep some constants in our lives. We can hang on to the things that are really worth hanging onto." "Good. I think I�ll keep you, Mr Hewitt." He put his hand to Steve�s face and they kissed again. "How do you think Brian�s going to take it when he finds out?" asked Steve. "Dear me! Haven�t you mentioned it to him yet? How very remiss of you, Steven!" Stef grinned. "I naturally assumed you would tell him, since you recruited me. But seriously, do you think he�ll mind?" "My dear Steve, how many times have you heard Brian say that it doesn�t matter what you�ve got in your trousers; love is love and sexual attraction is sexual attraction. How could he possibly mind? He�ll probably be proud of us both." "Yes, but what about the effects of relationships within the band? Mightn�t he think it�ll cause difficulties with work?" "We�ll take that as it comes. We�ve taken everything as it comes, so far--accepted that things happened to us that we didn�t expect, and look where it�s brought us. To good places. Brian of all people will understand that you let life and human nature take their course without trying to regiment them." "I�d hate this to cause problems with the band. Placebo�s another constant I want to hang onto for as long as I can. What if our two constants are incompatible? What if we tried to hang onto both and ended up having neither?" "We�ll see. That�s all I can say--we�ll see. But really, I think you�re worrying too much. I�m supposed to be the worrier, remember, you�re the laid-back chirpy one." "It�s this being bi thing, I�m a beginner and I�m afraid of making mistakes", laughed Steve. "I�m very much looking forward to teaching you everything I know," said Stefan, raising one eyebrow in an ever-so-slightly suggestive manner. "Grrrr. I�m looking forward to learning." Stefan stood up and held out his hand. "Come on, then." Steve got to his feet and took Stef�s hand. "Where are we going?" "I�m not sure, but we�ll know when we get there." "I�m with you." They moved forward. Behind them, the tide had turned. The sun sparkled on waters that were still deep, but were drawing back to give a clearer view of the things hidden under the waves. end Home |