Sardar Jokes

Ek Aadmi : Yaar yeh scooty kab li?
Sardar : Kal raat 1 Ladki mujhe Scooty pe bahot dur le gayee,
Sab kapade utarke boli jo chahiye lelo,
Main Scooty le aaya, kapdo ka kya karna tha.

Santa: Ghar ka saara keemti samaan chhupa ke rakh do, mere dost aa rahe hain.
Jeeto: Kyon! Aapke dost chura lengey?
Santa: Nahin, pehchan lengey.

A sweet girl goes to Banta's shop and said: Mujhe underwear dikhao.
Banta sharmate hue: Aaj pehan kar nahin aaya.

Translation from hindi to english,
"Khushi ke mare uski chaati phool gayi".
Santa: Due to happiness, his chest became breast.

Santa ki shaadi ek nurse se ho gayi.
Banta: Aur santa, kaisi nibh rahi hai?
Santa: Pooch mat yaar, jab tak sister na kaho, bolti hi nahi

Nurse came out with the newborn kid,
Santa rushed 2 her & after seeing the kid he shouted, BETA hua BETA.
She slapped him: Leave my finger, u fool, It is a girl

Santa to Pappu: Where's Sukhna Lake?
Pappu: Pata nahi.
Santa: Kabhi ghar se bhi nikla karo
. Pappu: Who's Banta?
Santa: Pata nai.
Pappu: Kabhi ghar me bhi raha karo.

Santa: Do you know English?
Banta: Yes.
Santa: Ok! Then tell what is the opposite of NAAG PANCHAMI?
Banta: So simple Yaar... NAAG DO NOT PUNCH ME.

Santa was inserting dog's tail into pipe.
Banta: Oye, kutte ki dum kabhi seedhi nahi hoti.
Santa: Idiot, main to pipe bend kar raha hoon.

Santa: Bhaisahab time kya hua?
Man: Sham ke 6 baje hain!
Santa: Sala, subah se pooch raha hoon, sab alag alag time bata rahe hain.

Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai
. Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?

Sardar's Poetic Nature

Sardarji is at a feast arranged by the Queen of England. One of the dignitaries present requests the Queen, "Pass the Wine you Devine !".
Sardarji thinks to himself - "How poetic !". Sardar also wants to say a rhyming sentence. He tells the British ambassador sitting next to him, "Pass the custard you bastard".

SURD: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
SURD: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

SURD #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
SURD #2: "No, who wrote it?"

Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SURD BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

A sardarji father gave the following advice to his son about to be married. "Puttar (son) if you want things from your in-laws, be sure to pitch your demand high. If you wanted cycle, ask for scooter; if you wanted motorcycle, ask for Maruti. Always ask for something higher than you need. The young Sardarji who wanted no dowry, imbibed the lesson. When his father-in-law what he wanted, the young Sardarji replied " Give me the girl's mother"

Two pandits riding on a cycle were stopped by a Sardarji constable. "Don't you know riding on with pillon is forbidden in Punjab?" asked the constable, " I am going to fine you." The pundits pleaded their innocence of the rules but he refused to let them go. Very exasperated the pandit who was driving the cycle replied, "All right, God is with us. Do what you like." " In that case , I'll fine you for having two on the pillion behind you".

Once a Sardarji happended to be in a queue at a railway station ticket counter with two men ahead of him."Ek Punjab Mail dena" demanded the man in front. He was given a ticket. Then came the turn of the sardarji, "Ikk Punjab female dena". "What do you mean by Punjab female" asked the clerk. "It is for my wife" replied the Sardarji.

Once a surdar and 2 dogs were sent to space.The ground station was giving instruction from earth.The session goes as follows:
Ruby?
-woof!
press the red button.
-woof! woof!
Moti?
_woof!
press the white button and switsch on the monitor.
-woof! woof!
sardarji?
-woof!
stop barking and feed the dogs,don't touch anything.

Sardarji Landing a Plane...
Two Sardarjis (pilots) try to land an airplane in the states. They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot scream the runway is ending...".
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air...
They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...".
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air..
They make a big turn and start descending again...
This goes on again and again...
During their fourth descent the pilot says : "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..",
"I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it...."

A Sardarji, a Muslim, a Hindu and an American were flying.
Suddenly the plane's engine goes bad. So everybody is advised to jump. But they realise that there are no parachutes on the plane.
The Sardar being little bold thinks "hai saale marna to hai, why not try something ". He unties his turban and holds the ends, making it like a parachute, and jumps out. Luckily the idea works and he floats down like on a parachute.
Seeing this Hindu pandit also opens his dhoti and does the same, he also starts floating.
Now the Muslim also removes his kurta and does the same and he too starts floating.
Now comes American's turn. Poor chap is wearing a torn Bermudas and a tattered T-shirt. Anyway he also removes them ties everything up and jumps. But it does not hold and he starts falling very quickly.
On the way to the ground he passes the Muslim, Who says "Allah tumhari kherkare", then he passes Pandit. Pandit says "Bhagwan tumhari raksha kare".
Now when he quickly passes the Sardarji, Sardarji says "accha race lagana hai, le phir" and he leaves the turban.

Detective job vacancy
Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian.
The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.
When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.
When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews."Again,the chief thanked the man who then left.
Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."
When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder."

Surd's Salary
A sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes

Surd discovers Pepsi
A surd walks up to a Pepsi machine and puts in a coin. A Pepsi pops out. The surd looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. He returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of coursethe machine keeps feeding out drinks. A man walks up behindthe surd and watches his doing for a few minutes before stopping and him and asking if someone else could have a go. The surd spins around and shouts: "Can you not see that I am winning."

Surd - the kidnapper
There was a Sardarji that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree,and told him, "I've kidnapped you." The Sardarji then wrote a notesaying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put$10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango tree next to the slide on the north side of the city play ground." Signed, "A Sardarji." The Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardarji ?!"

** The Complete Sardarji Encyclopaedia **

Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color Tvs?"

"Sure."

"Give me a green one, please."

Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"

"Just a sec," says the rep.

"Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up.

CROCODILE BOOTS..

Sardarji proposes to a woman.

She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.

He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made,

they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one.

He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st

and *again* barefoot!"

A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object.

He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"

The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."

The sardar then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."

The sardar says, "I'll take it!"

The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.

His sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"

He said, "It's a thermos flask."

The boss then says, "What does it do?"

He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"

The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Punjab,

but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like

"Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai"

Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters.
They were planning for free Punjab.

Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"

That was a difficult question indeed.

Suddenly Banta Singh replied,"No problem! we'll attack USA,
it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed."

All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an
old surd did not utter a single word.

Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.

The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT

BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????"

Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied.

He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style,
and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.

"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a complete
disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses,
then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.

Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

TO LOSE WEIGHT..

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day
for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos.

At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor
to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.

"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I'm 2400 kms from home."

TRAIN TO LUDHIANA..

Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station.

Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?"

"No," answers the Railway man. "Can I?" asks Gani Singh.

A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the
Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks
him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai"

Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema
hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and
he takes along some wine and chicken with him.

Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?"

Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na mar jaun"

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so
he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to
wake him up when the station arrived.

This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees,
the sardarji deserved more service.

So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.

When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up,
and he went home.

Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly

screamed when he saw the mirror.

Said his wife " What's the matter?"

Replied he "The cheat on the train

has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"

Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God.

A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"

The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time,
otherwise I would have been missing too."

Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate

"Mother: Sikh.

Father: Sikh.

Kid: Chinese."

"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?"

" Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower

when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.

Sardarji says "Yes".

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The man took the thousand and disappeared.

Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.

On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the

same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says

"I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE

Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay.

They managed to get into a double-decker bus.

Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat,
But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.

After a while when the rush was over,

Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh.

He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.

He says, "Arre Banta Singh ! What the heck's goin' on?

Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?"

Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.*"

Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor

asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered,

" I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang -

but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked

up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

" Oh Dear! " the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But ..what happened to your other ear?"

"The scoundrel called back."

Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandhar to meet his friend.

He reached there in a few hours.

After spending a few days there, he decided to return,

and called up his mother to expect him in the evening.

But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either.

When he finally reached home on the third day, his worried mother ran and asked him " Arrre Puttar, Ki hoya ?".

The Sardarji got out, detectably very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oye, Ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane vaaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichhe jaane waaste sirf ek?"

Santa Singh is Flying from Moscow to Delhi. To his surprise, sitting right beside him is Gary Kasporov, the world Chess Champion.

Santa has always been in awe of Chess players, and immediately starts up a conversation with Gary about the Nuances of the Game etc.

Gary says ... "How would You like to Play me for $ 500/ US"?

Santa: "But you're too damn good".

Gary: "I'll play left handed".

Santa cant resist the bet and accepts.

Kasparov, Check Mates our Sardar in 8 Moves .......

Santa is still scratching his head, as he leaves the airplane.

Upon Reaching Amritsar, Santa tells Banta about the game he had with Kasparov.

Banta: 'You're an absolute fool Santa.'

Santa: 'Why ?'

Banta: "Gary Kasparov is a lefty, no wonder he beat you left handed."

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Gujarati, and one was Tamil. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Gujju man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Mahatma Gandhi?" The Gujju man answered without hesitation "Godse killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Tamil arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Nathuram Godse killed Gandhiji." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it ?"

The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."

When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?". He replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder."

A sardar gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The flight attendant tells him that he must move to coach because he doesn't have a first class ticket.

The sardar replies, "As long as there's an available seat, I'm staying in first class until we reach Amritsar."

The flight attendant gets the head flight attendant, who asks the sardar to leave. Again, he says "As long as there's an available seat, I'm staying in first class until we reach Amritsar."

The flight attendants don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.

The co-pilot goes up to the Sardar and whispers in his ear. He immediately gets up and goes to his seat in the coach section.

The head flight attendant asks the co-pilot what he said to get him to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told him the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Amritsar."

Two Sardars were walking together...

Pehla: Oye marr gaye. Meri biwi aur meri
premika ek saath aa rahi hain..

Dusra: Oye main bhi yahi bolne wala tha....

Sardar at an art gallery

"I suppose this horrible looking thing is
what you call a modern Art?"

Art Dealer "I beg your pardon sir. Thats a mirror!"

A Sardar enters shop & shouts,
"Where's my free gift with this oil?"

Shopkeeper: "ISke Saath koi gift nahin hai bhaisaab"

Sard : "Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE "

One day Sardarji is fed up that he is involved in every joke.
He goes and asks his wife

"Tell me one good joke in which I am not involved."

Wife says: " I'm Pregnant"

Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?

Because below 18 was not allowed.

What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ?

He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!

What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper ?

(he already has one and he wants one more..)

He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!!

How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?

Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear

What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?

Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?

Trying to hold on to a thought.

Why do Sardars work seven days a week?

So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.

Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?

They always forget the recipe.

How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?

He threw it off a cliff.

What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?

A wind tunnel.

What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?

The back of his head.

What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?

Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).

What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?

Just-one Singh.

Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?

Toes Go In First.

How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?

It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Sardar dial 911?

They can not find the eleven on the phone

How do you get Sardar on the roof?

Tell him the drinks are on the house.

"Oh, look at the dead bird."

Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?

What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.

Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

----- End of Sardarji's Encyplopaedia -----

JALANDHAR BOARD COLLEGE EXAM QUESTION PAPER....
[this one's little difficult than last year's]

1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabets allowed, no numeric digits or "_" allowed)

2. Sex ?
( ) Male
( ) Female
( ) Sardar

3. What's ur age group ?
( ) less than 0
( ) equal to 0
( ) greater than 0

4. What is 2 + 2 ?
( ) FOUR
( ) 4
( ) IV

5. If you have one brother, how many brothers ur brother has ?
( ) none
( ) one
( ) question is too personal

6. Complete the following sentence...........
______ ________ ________ _________ .

7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year ?

8. Read the statment carefully and answer the following question: "My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself".

Qs. how many times the word "mother" appear in the above statement?
( ) None
( ) few times
( ) uncountable times

9. If someone gives you a dollar for 100 cents , would you
( ) get one dollar ?
( ) 100 cents ?

10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences.......
(HINT : My Name is ___________ (same as in [1]). I am a ___________ (boy/girl). i am writing an essay.)

11. If the time is 3.00 what does ur digital watch show ?

12. At what time does the 11.16 Indrani Express come ?

13. What u do on a honeymoon ?
( ) Collect Honey
( ) Admire Moon
( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon

14. Earth is Flat ?
( ) False
( ) Indeed False

15. If A = B and B = C then B = A ?
( ) TRUE
( ) FALSE
( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS

16. If you eat lunch during lunch time, what u have during dinner time?

17. If Ram is Sita's Husband, Who is Ram's Wife ?

18. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.

19. Complete the following poem :
Mary had a little lamb
little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or "^" )

20. This is question number
( ) 1
( ) 10
( ) 20

21. If 2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 2 = 5 ??
( ) YES
( ) NO
( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR

22. write full form of ASAP As Soon As Possible.
_________________

23. Opposite of the word "IN" is
( ) NOT IN
( ) CRICKET
( ) PUNJAB

24. What is the capital of india ?
( ) India
( ) INDia
( ) INDIA

25. a,e,i,o and u are collectively called "vowels". what are e,a,i,o and u called ?

26. Fill in the blank :
I am _________ a letter.
( ) READING
( ) WRITING
( ) SEALING

27. Who was the first MAN to land on moon ?
( ) MR. ARMSTRONG
( ) MISS ARMSTRONG
( ) MRS ARMSTRONG

28. What comes first ?
( ) the Egg
( ) the Omlet

29. can you count more than five using your hands ?
( ) YES
( ) NO

30. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y

31. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's
( ) Brother
( ) Son
( ) Daughter

32. car A start from X and car B start from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. how many wheels does each car has ?
( ) One
( ) Four
( ) Seven

33. To reach to the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator ?
( ) ONE
( ) TWELVE

34. Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]
1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.

35. this one tests ur imagination.
SUN is nearer to india than AMERICA because.........
( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA
( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA
( ) i do not have any time left to think on this one.

ur feedback counts..................(please do not write how many times)

I rate the difficulty level for the above question paper as
( ) 8 ( ) 9 ( ) 10
[NOTE : 1 is very easy and 10 is most difficult]

Number of times i flipped a coin
( ) 35
( ) 70
( ) i forgot to bring my coin so i bluffed and prayed for good luck.