Sardar Jokes

100 Sardars ! ! !

Aaj Tak gets news that 100 sardars are killed in a train accident at Amritsar station. Only one sardar left alive.

The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?

Sardar: oh ji pucho mat.. sab kuch sahi tha sab log platform par khade gaadi ki wait kar rahe they. Achanak announcement hui ki shatabdee Express 2 no. platform par aa rahi hai. Jaise hi sab ne suna ki gaddi PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log apni jaan bachane ke liye patri par kood gaye. Aur tabhi gaddi patri par aa gayi.

Aaj tak: Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee. Aap patri par nahin koode.

Sardar: oe nahin ji main to suicide karne ke liye patri par hi leta tha. Jaise hi announcement hui main to platform par chad gaya.

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says,"Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him,

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says,

"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks,

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE!

The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!

How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the SARDAR replied.

"He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Sunil Gavaskar was very happy when found out that a movie called "Gavaskar" was released in Australia.

He plans to watch it and gets a ticket for Australia at once. With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie.

But when he comes out of the cinema he is very angry!
He goes straight to the director of the movie and says,
"What do you mean by this?
You named your movie `Gavaskar`, but didn't show anything about me in it!".

The director of the movie laughs and says, "So now you understand the problem?

You people too made a movie called `Border`, but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?"

There's an Indian , a Pakistani and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then SLAP !!!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Indian are sitting there looking perplexed. The Pakistani is bent overholding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Pakistani is thinking "Ya Allah, that Indian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The lady is thinking, "That Pakistani must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Indian instead and got slapped."

The Indian was thinking to himself..."If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Pakistani again."

Scene: trench warfare on Pakistan border, Sikh regiment on one side, suddenly Kartar Singh gets a bright idea, shouts!

"Oye Abdul!"

Guy pops up from other trench

"Kya hai be"

BANG shot dead!

"Oye Karim"

2 guys stand up, "Kya hai saala"

BANG BANG both khalaas

"Oye Mustafa!"

2 more, BANG-BANG! dono saale khalaas!

Pakis get worried, they think saala Sardarji log, when did they get so smart? Decide to try it themselves.

"Abe Gurdev Singh"

silence

"Oye Gurdev Singh!!"

silence

"O bhai, Gurdev Singh!"

"Oye Gurdev Singh ko kaun bula raha hai re?"

Paki gets up, "Mein"

BANG!

PROFESSOR SARDAR

Sardar Singh was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one had done any research before!
As he was thinking about it, he found a cockroach on the table in front of him. He decided instantly to do research on the cockroach.

He picked the cockroach and put it in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The cockroach ran.

He pulled out one leg of the cockroach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The cockroach ran.

He pulled one more leg of the cockroach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The cockroach ran.

This way the cockroach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the cockroach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The cockroach could not!

Our Sardar Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis:

"When you pull out all the legs of a cockroach, it cannot hear anymore".

Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.

The manager comes running and asks him,

"Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?"

To this the Sardarji replies,

"Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, 'Wash Basin' ".

SantaSingh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.

"Is this one one one one?", says the voice.

"No, this is eleven eleven."

"Are you sure it isn't one one one one?"

"No, this is eleven eleven."

"Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night."

"That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone, anyway."

A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing.

The bystander,"A Marathon race is going on.

Sardar : What do they get from that?

Bystander : The winner will get a prize

Sardar : Then why are the others running?

Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor.

The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered,

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The scoundrel called back."

The Sardarji Doctor to his patient:

"It's very important that you take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain."

Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh was very depressed. "What happened?" asked Surjit.

"Yaar, I lost Rs.800 in a bet yesterday."
"How come?"

"Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and Pakistan was being shown live on TV.

I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet."

"But thats only Rs.500, where did the rest go?"

"Yaar, I bet on the highlights too"

Banta Singh happened to be in a queue at a railway station ticket counter with a man ahead of him.

"Ek Punjab Mail dena', demanded the man in front.

He was given a ticket.
(Punjab Mail is the name of the train) Then came the turn of Banta Singh,

"Ikk Punjab female dena"

"What do you mean by punjab female?" asked the clerk.

"It is for my wife", replied Banta Singh

One day, a Sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a building when a man came running in to his office and shouted

"Santa Singh your daughter Preeto just died in an accident"

Sardarji was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window,
While coming down when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto.

When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.

When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Santa Singh.

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were discussing how they would like to die.

Santa said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep.
I don't want to die screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same time."

Banta asked, "How did his friends die screaming while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?"

Santa Singh replied,

"His friends were the passengersin the car he was driving."

Santa Singh spoke frantically into the phone,

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No, you idiot!" Santa shouted. "This is her husband!"

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer have all been sentenced to die for crimes that they have committed.

The Lawyer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.

The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams.

The Lawyer is spared and released to go free.

The Doctor is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.

The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams.
The Doctor is spared and released to go free.

The Engineer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.

The executioner reaches for the lever to activate the device and the engineer shouts,

"Wait! Stop everything! I think I've figured out your problem!"

"DURING CREATION "

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grassandlack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more Than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded,

"Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused,
the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children. And it is so.

Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the Passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Accidently,the photograph fell down from his pocket.He started searching for it frantically & found the same on the floor of the bus. Politely,he asked the saree clad Female , standing in front of him,

"Can you lift that saree? I want to take a photograph"

The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted in a hospital. He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him,in a still worse condition. Banta started to explain his "Adventure".

He had gone to a remote village on some work & due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel.

So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night.

The Owner replied"I have 2 grown up daughters Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".

He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night.

The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay".

He went towards the next house and without taking any risks,asked," Do you have "grown up" Daughters ? ".

The Owner asked, " WHY ?????????" Banta replied,

" I wanted to stay here for a night...."

Somebody asked God, "What surprises you most about mankind?"

God answered:"That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.

That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future.

That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived..."

Satpal Singh ji is the English teacher in a school.

He is very well renowned, since all his students do very well exams. The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the English class.

This is what transpires :

Satpal Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA ".

Students (in chorous) : " GADHA ".

Satpal Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE GADHA ".

Students (in chorous) : " GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE GADHA ".

Satpal Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE MEIN ".

Students (in chorous) : " GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE MEIN".

Satpal Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE MEIN AUR MERE PEECHE SAARA DESH ".

Students (in chorous) : " GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE MEIN AUR MERE PEECHE SAARA DESH "

By this time the inspector is furious. He confronts the principal and shouts at him " What is this Satpal Singh teaching the students ? He is supposed to be taking an English class and what he is saying is

GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE MEIN AUR MERE PEECHE SAARA DESH ".

The principle too is shocked, Satpal Singh the famous English teacher doing this.

He immediately sends for Satpal Singh.

Principal : " Satpal Singh ji what nonsense are you telling these students,

GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHE MEIN AUR MERE PEECHE SAARA DESH".

Satpal Singh : " Yes I was telling all this to the class, but I was only teaching the students

spelling of ASSASSINATION :--: ASS ASS I NATION ".

Baba's

The conversation that took place between a person(Y) in the public and a marketing guy(X).

X: Which shaving cream do you use?

Y: Baba's

X: Which aftershave do you use?

Y: Baba's

X: Which deodrant do you use?

Y: Baba's

X: Which toothpaste do you use?

Y: Baba's

X: Which banian do you use?

Y: Baba's

X: Which vests do you use?

Y: Baba's

X(Bugged up): Accha tell me, What is this Baba? Is it an international company???

Y: No, He is my room-mate.

Ek bar ek showroom mein salesman ke liye interview ho rahe the. Ek ladka bhi interview dene ayaa.

ladke ko angrezi aati nahin thi, to usko manager ne reject kar diya.

Ladke ne manager se kaha, aapko sale se matlab hona chahiye angrezi se kya? aap mujhe chance dein, agar sale badh jaye to salary dena nahi to hata dena.

Manager ko baat janch gayi. Ladke ko Naukari par rakh liya gaya.

Phir kya tha, doosare din se hi sale dugani, teesare din tiguni aurr daily sale badne lagi.

Showroom ke malik ko pata laga, usne manager se kaha, is naye ladke se mujhe milna hai.

Malik showroom par aaya, usne dekha ladka ek customer ko fishing-rod bech raha tha. Woh door khada ho kar hi usko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa.

Ladke ne fishing-rod bech di. customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, ladka bola Rs.800/-.

yeh kahkar ladke ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola, itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye,

customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.

Ab ladke ne kaha talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi kharid lijiye to theek rehega,customer ne cap bhi kharid li.

Ab ladke ne kaha, machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna padega, kuchch eatables,wafer , biscuits, bhi le jayiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid liye.

Ladka bola machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan ? yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid li.

Ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka.

Malik bahut khush hua. Usne ladke ko bulaya aur kaha, tum to kamal ke salesman ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa tha aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good.

Ladka bola, woh aadmi to "Carefree sanitary pack" khridane ayaa tha,

maine kaha, char din tu ghar par kya karega, Machli pakad.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him,

"Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter told Him that he had dropped his axe into water. God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?", God asked.

The woodcutter said "No".

God again went down and came up with a silver axe.

"Is this your axe?", God asked.

The wood cutter said "No".

God went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?", God asked.

The wood cutter said "Yes".

God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all the three axes.

The woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the river, his wife fell into the river. When he began crying,

God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"My wife has fallen into water."

God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?", God asked.

"Yes", he said.

God was furious,"YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to curse you......"

The woodcutter quickly said, "Forgive me My Lord. It is an misunderstanding.

If I say "No" to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones.

If I also say "No" to her, you will finally come up with my wife and I will say "Yes".

Then you will give all the three to me. I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all the three.

So that's why I've to say "Yes"...

Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA.

A few days later he got this reply :

"Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,

You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.

Thanks".

Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply.

He arranged a party and when all the guests had come, he said:

"Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hoon."

Everyone was delighted.

Laloo prasad continued......

"Ab main aap sab ko apnaa Appointment letter padkar sunaongaa - par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath hindi main translate bhee karoonga.

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ..... Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya

You do not meet ---- aap to miltay hee naheen ho

our requirement ---- humko to zaroorat hai

Please do not send any furthur correspondance ---- ab Letter vetter bhej ne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.

No phone call ---- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai

shall be entertained ---- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.

Thanks ---- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.

After the shameful defeat of Indian cricket team in final of Cocacola Cup 2000 in Sharjah,

the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms.

Ganguly could not resist for too long to be in hometown and still not be able to go out shopping and have fun.

So he disguises himself as a Sardar and goes out. he meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him "Hi Ganguly!"

Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as a muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out.

Yet same again - the same woman greets him "Hi Ganguly!".

Ganguly comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc.

All in vain - the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Ganguly!".

Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, "How did you recongise me?"

The lady replied - "I am Kambli !"