I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I get a lot of stuff forwarded to me. Sometimes I even read them, and then I find out it's a goddam chain letter (I'm going to have bad luck for the rest of my natural life now, thanks to those, so I might as well just end it, right?). Fortunately, I also get a lot of them that are just funny. So, here are some good ones.
Jokes and other Somewhat Funny Stuff
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice;
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny dipping in his pond.
When the women became aware of his presence they all
went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."
"I only came to feed the alligator."
Moral: With enough incentive, old age and treachery will triumph
over youth and inexperience.
Bear Hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle,
and decided to try bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
There was then a tap on his shoulder,
and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was my
cousin, and you have two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to
agree to the latter alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks,
Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he
found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next
to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge
mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you have two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived it would take several months
before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he
headed back to the woods and he managed
to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a
tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you
don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Words to live by
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes..
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are a windshield.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then
things get worse.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife
upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going
to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing
on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who
is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat
house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill
it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Untitled, but funny
Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but
had been decidedly over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they
do their business behind a head stone or something.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away.
Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set
and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to
salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of
the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.
They then made off for home. The next day one woman's
husband phoned the other husband and said "These damn
girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home
last night without her panties" .
"That's nothing,"
said the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her ass that said 'From all of
us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."
Consultants
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep"?
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business... Now give me back my dog."
The Moral of the Story
I was happy. My girlfriend an I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend was a dream.
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one
thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was 20 years of age, wore tight mini skirts
and low cut blouses. She would bend down when quite near me and I got
many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate---she
never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires f or me
that she couldn't overcome, and really didn't want to overcome. She told
me she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me".
I was stunned, frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When
she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.
I stood their a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight to my
car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family".
The moral of the story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Wise Words from the Restroom
"Friends don't let friends take home ugly men" ---Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
"The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open." ---Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
"Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die." ---Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
"Beauty is only a light switch away." --->Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
"I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards." ---Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.
"If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives." ---Armand's Pizza. Washington, DC
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" ---Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
"God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?" ---The Irish Times. Washington, DC
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." ---The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
"No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit." ---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
"At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry." ---Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
"It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere." ---Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
"If voting could really change things, it would be illegal." ---Revolution Books. New York, New York.
"A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it." ---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
"Express Lane: Five beers or less." ---Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.
"If you love your boyfriend, have some class. Don't write his name where you wipe your ass."
Subject: ALERT - IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR MEN
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and
unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a
drink from any woman.
A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to
target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is
now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in
large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars
to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units
of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers"
men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking
women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer"
men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them
the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad
occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported
that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to
this
scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory
female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you
fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it,
there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can
discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner
with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest
you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.
Kids in church-
3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen"
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone
could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times
what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That the preacher said he wanted
us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the
prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she
carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
Amen."
....and one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to
church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright
little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together
in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister
had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the
church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran
up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay
dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed
her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Investment Advice
If you had bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one
year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent
deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.
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