An Examination of a Vice

 

There are many ways that you can look at vices, and many ways they have been analyzed.  How to avoid them, how to quit them, how to enjoy them.  But I’ve never seen anyone write a how-to about them.  No “Crack Cocaine for Dummies.”  So, with out further ado, here is a step by step how to on vices.

 

Step 1: Picking your vice.

Most people fall into their vices.  Rarely is it something shopped for.  But if you want a good vice, you really should put some thought into it.  There are a lot of vices that might have been, but they were either too dangerous or not dangerous enough or the timing was just all wrong.  So if you’re going to pick to a vice, there are a few things you need to be mindful of:

a)      How dangerous is the vice?  You really don’t want to do something totally destructive, but you also don’t want to pick something so innocuous it’s not going to earn you social status.  Think about it people, that is why you’re taking your self indulgence/gratification to a level where you can talk about in public.  So things like shooting heroin might be shooting a little high for most people, whereas eating fatty foods is a bit low.  And shooting lard is just plain stupid.  Stick to something that everyone knows is bad, but knows that everyone does it anyways.  Like smoking. Or masturbation.

b)      Is it expensive?  You also want to middle with the price here.  Don’t pick something for free (such as getting intoxicated on the smell of trees).  Vices are not meant to be egalitarian, we indulge in the vices we can reach only because we can’t have swimming pools of champagne filled with naked people.  But don’t sell your house to attain this, either.  Remember, one’s sanity must always be defended.  Insane people are addicts.

c)      Am I going to lose my friends and family over it?  If the answer is “yes right away” then skip it.  If it’s “yes but only after they attempt an intervention” it’s golden.  After all, you want attention with your vice, right?  Not exactly pity, but the sort of love that grows out of respectful admonishment.

d)      Is it a hard trick to learn/Does it take long?  Time wasters can be a great vice, and eventually all vices waste a lot of time. But for the beginner, you’re going to want to find something that you can form a habit around quick.  The quick the delivery of pleasure, the better, too.

 

Step 2: Having Fun

So once you’ve picked a vice, it’s important to settle in and have fun.  Enjoy it by yourself at first, learn the ropes.  If you have to buy it, like Hot Pockets, start out buying it at places you never go.  Then, when you feel more comfortable, buy some when you’re getting some milk or picking up the week’s porn.  This is the “Hapstance Hour,” when you could randomly run into some you know, who would tell others you know, and it would eventually get back to your loved ones. Example: Oh, hi high school crush. Yes, I smoke.  You didn’t know that?  Huh, well, been really enjoying it.  See ya.  You want to pretend as though you’ve always done this, this is a good way to get your family and friends used to your new vice. 

 

Step 3: Climbing the Vice Ladder

Now that you’re comfortable with it, it’s time to climb the vice ladder.  The best way to do this is by making it seem like you have control over your vice.  Is the dog wagging the tail or the other way around?  It’s important to keep people guessing: this gives you clout.

a)      Start by playing into the stereotypes that surround that particular vice.  If you’re into drugs, walk around looking aloof.  Or take the back alleys instead of the streets and shift your eyes a lot.  If it’s drinking, always ask who’s round it is.  If it’s fatty foods, rave on about the bleu cheese.  All the time. 

b)      Once you’ve established you’re comfortable within your vice, now it’s time to let everyone know you’re a connoisseur.   Complain when the price of Acapulco Gold has risen because of NAFTA loopholes.

c)      Smirk at people as though your vice is a charade for your lack of social skills.  Then wink.  They’ll think that this is hilarious; this is art.  There’s no other reason for you to ask for no bun but double cheese for your cheeseburger. 

d)      When people complain about not having a smoke, or continue to bum them off you, advise them like an elder to a youth.  They should be more responsible with their vice.  They should remember that you were obsessed with the Commodore64 when they were still in their diapers.  It’s important to maintain your authenticity: you’re vice is more authentic then theirs because it’s been yours for longer and more intensely.  This is key.

 

Step 4: Quit While You’re Ahead.

Maybe there’s too many people now engaging in your vice.  Or maybe nagging people doesn’t have the same affect it did before.  Or maybe you just want to start your life over, be a symbol of hope for the junkies around you.  Either way, this is still a part of your life with your vice, and you can appropriately milk it.

a)      Start by attempting to quit on your own.  Make it known, nonchalantly.  This is another “Hapstance Hour” opportunity.  Example: Oh, hi high school crush. No, I quit.  You didn’t know that?  Huh, well, I felt it was time for me to move on.  See ya.

b)      When you suffer because of withdrawal, make others suffer, too.  Wistfully describe heating up the spoon, or tying off your arm.  It may not make them jealous, but they’ll certainly think you went through a lot.

c)      Relapse.  If you don’t, people won’t think your vice really had a grip on you.  This is a personal demon you’ve brought upon yourself, and personal demons are only interesting if you have to continue to wrestle with them.  People want drama, and nothing’s better than a drawn out battle with an intangible.

d)      Quit again, get the support of friends and family.  After the first few relapses, it’s okay to let people into your struggle with you.  Vices can create a great community.

e)      Enroll in a multi-step program.  Or don’t.

f)        Finally quit.  Smile a lot.  Appear rejuvenated.  Be indomitable.  You’ve successfully and publicly conquered a personal demon, and now everyone can look at you as a symbol of hope.  You also now have another sort of authority: worldly and wise, you can impart your knowledge on your peers and youths.  Be sure to remind people that you just came out of a bad time in your life, but your back now.

 

If, in the end, you feel trapped by your vice, you probably didn’t follow the directions correctly.  Start all over and see if you can pick a vice a bit more manageable this time.  If by the end, you find you’ve quit but never created the community of support around you, you must have missed a step as well.  But no need to start all over.  Capitalize on the broken situation as if it were a new vice, and you’ll have the troops rallying around you in no time.

 

This has gone on too long, but I can’t seem to stop writing.  I resolve to end this now before it becomes painfully embarrassing. 

 

I know I forgot something, but I’m not what it is. You know that feeling, like when you’re at the grocery store and you’re like “I know I forgot something” but you’re sure what it is.  So you check your list again and then you check it again and then you walk the aisles again because maybe you’ll see something that will spark your interest and then all you do is buy things you didn’t even mean to pick up.  So then you have to guess how much you’re going to spend and make sure there’s some money left incase you find that one thing that you think you’ve forgotten but aren’t sure if –

 

Screw it.

 

 

 

 

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