"Dammit!" The curse slips out before I can bite my lip. I shift in my seat, hoping that Amanda doesn't notice that I've been reading the same page for the past 20 minutes.

We've been in this room the whole day doing research, only I don't think I've contributed very much because I seem to have lost the ability to comprehend the words that keep swimming in front of me. For the most part, though, I've been able to at least pretend that I've been doing some work. Until that little slip, that is.

Who was it that said that absence makes the heart grow fonder? Because right now I'm feeling irritated enough to want to give him - or her - a good smack or two. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the brain incapable of functioning.

Why hasn't he called? Or even e-mailed? He works at a goddamn website design firm, for crying out loud. They have a goddamn T3 for their own goddamn server. He doesn't care that I'm here, thinking about what he's doing instead of enjoying this potentially amazing once-in-a-lifetime experience? He's just having too much fun without me. Well, fuck that. I can have plenty of fun without him.

I squeeze my eyes shut and rub my temples in exasperation, taking deep breaths.

Who the hell am I kidding?

So we haven't kept in touch as much as I thought we would, but I should probably be as mad at myself as I am at him. After all, it takes two, doesn't it? But it's driving me crazy that it isn't seem to be bothering him. This doesn't seem to be bothering him. He doesn't seem to be missing me.

My eyes sting a little at the thought, and I blink it away furiously while slowly inhaling and exhaling through the ache that begins in my chest.

He's not entirely to blame. I haven't even told him that I'm here with Finn. I wonder if he's seen Anne again lately. Oh, God, Jo. Stop this. Right now.

"Wanna talk about it?"

The intrusion startles me and my head snaps up guiltily. "What?"

Amanda smiles gently. "Sounds like you need a break."

"Oh, it's…" I shake my head in denial. "It's nothing. Just some stupid things running through my head."

She drops her pen on the table and leans back in her chair, studying me. "Not quite what you were imagining, is it?" She smiles, hands waving over the stacks of thick leather-bound books and scattered sheets of paper around us.

"No, no - this," I look around the room. "This is exactly the way I thought it would be."

Amanda raises an eyebrow at me and I laugh a little, giving in. "Okay, so I guess I didn't picture late nights in musty old rooms with my nose stuck in books when I was thinking about working in Madrid. But this isn't what I was thinking about at all."

"Oooh," she says excitedly, leaning closer to me. "Boyfriend trouble?"

I laugh again, feeling funny about hearing that phrase from a professor. I shake my head and say nothing, turning back to the neglected book in front of me.

"Come on, Joey." Amanda coaxes. "I may be your teacher, but I'm a girl too. And I do have a Psych degree, you know. I just might be able to help." She grins. "Besides, if I read another word tonight, I'll probably go insane. So humor me."

I close the book with a snap and think about what to say. "It's stupid, really. I'm just - I don't know, I just feel kind of mad at him right now, you know?"

"Why?"

I've been asking myself the same thing.

"When's the last time you guys talked?" Amanda asks after a long pause.

"Last week? Two weeks ago?" I sigh. "God, it's been a while. And even when we talked neither of us could really stay on the phone too long. We're just… too busy." The last two words hang in the air after I say them, sounding hollow to my ears.

She nods thoughtfully. "And you miss him so much it's driving you crazy, right?"

"Yes," I groan reluctantly. "But I'm mad at him anyway."

"Because… ?"

I look at her helplessly, not wanting to put what I know I feel into words. "Because… well, he should be missing me, too." I finish indignantly.

"You don't think he does?"

"He's sure doing a good job of hiding it if he does." My own words sound incredibly superficial to me. What the hell am I doing? The answer begins to dawn on me, making me feel even worse.

Am I avoiding him because I don't want to have to explain why Finn is here, and why I didn't tell him? Damn, why didn't I tell him? Because he might have blown it out of proportion? But now that I've kept it from him for so long, how could I tell him without his becoming suspicious?

My head is starting to spin. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"You know what?" I look back at her and stand up. "I think I need to make a call."

She smiles. "Go ahead."

I walk out of the room and head for the lone payphone standing at the end of the long hallway, practicing what I'm going to say in my head.

Hi, how are you? Guess who else is here as an intern?

I wince and force myself to dial as my heart begins to thud loudly. It rings and my throat dries up. I clear it several times and open my mouth to speak when I here a click.

"Hi, you've reached Pacey and Joey. Leave a message."

I swallow hard, a little relieved that I wouldn't have to tell him just yet, but a little deflated at the same time. He isn't home. I close my eyes at the sound of his recorded voice. Where are you, Pacey?

I hang up and stare hard at the payphone for several minutes. I need to talk to someone. I grab it again and dial Jen's number.

"Hello?" She answers after a few rings.

"Jen. Hi."

"Joey? Hey! How are you? You still haven't e-mailed me back," she reminds me.

"I know, I'm sorry. Haven't had too much time lately, you know?"

"It's okay." She laughs. "So, what's up? Met any cute Spanish boys lately?"

Right. I wish. "Jen… is David there? Do you have any idea where Pacey is? I called and got the machine."

"Oh, I think they're staying late at the office tonight, Jo." Jen explains. "They've been working with Anne 24/7 on a new design for a website."

"Anne?" I breathe out weakly. I feel like I've just been punched in the stomach.

"Yeah, she's been - Oh, God." She stops in horror. "You didn't know, did you?"

"I knew," I lie. "I just forgot. Listen, Jen, I have to go. I'll e-mail you, okay?" I hang up and lean against the phone booth, not knowing what to think.

Don't get ahead of yourself, Joey. He might have mentioned it in e-mail.

I sprint to the nearest computer to log on and check. One new e-mail. [email protected].

I almost leap with joy at the site of his name in my Inbox, positive that he must have told me about it in this message. I click on it and scan through, and something inside me grows cold.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who's been keeping secrets.