February 23, 2001
warning! the thought today is a bit long and pointless, i couldnt think of
a particular subject so i just wrote what's going on in my head.
Shout out to my homie jae--i hope your retreat was a great time for you.
i hope u didnt get distracted by too many girls. also shoutout to worship
team. let's keep on for the Lord, He will see us through.
i have no idea what to talk about today. not much has been going on
lately. i havent been up to much, except school and work. that might all
change, though, to more work and less school. we shall see.
well, i guess it would be alright to talk about my future and all, seeing
how there a lot of people i know will be graduating at the end of this
semester, and moving on to a new chapter in life. but i will still be
around for a 5th year. i dont think this is a bad thing or anything, it's
just what i will be doing. but what does concern me is what i want to do
with my life...i just dont know. the plan now is to graduate in 2002, go
back to school wherever, take prerecs for dental school, take the dat,
then apply. but that just seems so far off, and something that im not
really working towards right now. i guess that has been a bit of a
problem for me here in college. there dont seem to be any goals RIGHT NOW
that i really want to do my best to achieve. i feel that this has been
the biggest deterrent to my studies. unfortunately, i dont know how to
deal with it. i guess for me, it's just really hard to get excited about
school, no matter what the reason. i dont have a fear of failure, like
some people do, nor a desire to be the #1 best whatever, like some others.
im not saying these are good motivators, but just trying to show that i
dont really have a motivator at all. i guess things in my life have just
worked out for me, so i have never felt really pressed for
anything...well...except for the night before a final, when i have to
learn everything i was supposed to during the entire semester or fail the
test. sometimes, a lot of times, i wish that my life could kinda be given
a clear direction, and i was told exactly what to do, so i could just do
it and not have to worry about thinking if im doing the right thing, or if
it's worthwhile, or question why im doing something. but then life would
be too easy, i guess.
and another thing...how does God fit into all of this?? i know im to take
everything to God in prayer, but that doesnt seem to work at times. what
im thinking is that i havent really wrestled enough. one sentence about
my future, about my life, once a week or whenever is not enough prayer.
in fact, i dont spend enough time in prayer about anything. what a loser.
what is God trying to show me through all of this? of course there's
always the issue with me of giving God everything in my life. there are
just some things that i really want to hold onto, which really holds me
back, i think, from being a better xian. that and being lazy and
unmotivated.
well, in all this uncertainty, one thing i know forsure...i need God, cuz
he puts the good and worth in me. as you can see, from all this rambling
that ive done in this thought, that my life is pretty meaningless without
God. i try to find my own direction and work hard on my own and see where
it gets me? nowhere. is there a change in me? no. so come on, stubborn
fool, give it up. it's worthless trying to do it alone. dive on in.
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