i went to all of my classes today. one of them is a music class-basic music theory, dictation, sightsinging, stuff like that. i think that class will be fun, and not particularly hard. another class i went to today, im already hating. i am not really interested in the subject matter at all and the outline that the prof laid out for us didnt help AT ALL...but i have to take it for my major. the final class is gonna be the real monster (if i decide to stay in it). i have to take this class for my major as well. the prof has a reputation of being difficult, in terms of grading and subject matter (both in quality and amount). he said so himself, and to substantiate his claim, he assigned us a short paper due this friday. ugh. im already thinking that i wanna drop the stinkin class, or find an alternative. anyway, every semester i go into all my classes thinking that i will get A's in all of them IF I STUDY (that being the hinging condition). of course, by the end of the semester, the expectation is closer to a B or simply finishing with a passing grade. but then again, every semester, ive never really given it a good shot. i think the longest ive ever actually studied, like really studied, is over the course of one week (the first of the semester). well, of course i cram during finals, but by that time, it's too late, as i havent studied AT ALL the entire 15 weeks before that, and usually, that's a whole lot of info that i have to makeup, and dont do successfully. ive come to realize that im not a good student at all, which is an obvious observation, and one ive made before. but also, ive come to sort of hide behind this excuse of being lazy, and not a good student. because of this, ive been able to say, every semester, that i can get straight A's, but i dont because i dont study. of course i will never find out, cuz ive never spent a whole semester giving it my all, or even close to my all. so i can sit comfortably in my laziness, thinking that i have this vast store of intellect just waiting to be opened up and used. i guess i hold myself in a reasonably high regard when it comes to scholastic intellect. so i think i am a bit scared to try. especially in that last class i mentioned, the monster class. the others i am fairly confident about, but this monster class, im sure, will take a lot of my time just to keep up in...but what if i dont get the A despite giving it a good shot. that would suck, not only cuz it wouldnt help my gpa much, but because it would reveal, to me, that i am not as smart as i think i am. i think that even though i tried hard, i could not succeed to the highest level, and that is something i always considered myself as. that would be truly humiliating, and humbling. but at the same time, im speculating right now. who knows what will happen over the course of this semester. the bottom line is that i cant be lazy in any case, that i have to come out of my shell if i want the opportunity to fulfill my career goals. and also, here i go again, depending on myself to succeed in everything, despite the past 4 years of relative failure. stupidly im forgetting God, and His hand in all of this. and the things that come with faith in Him and His strength.