Shifting Sand by Caedmon's Call (from the cd "40 Acres")
v1. Sometimes I believe all the lies
So I can do the things I should despise
And everyday I am swayed
By whatever is on my mind
I hear it all depends on my faith
So I'm feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries
Is they're so mysterious
And like a consumer I've been thinking
If I could just get a bit more
More than my fifteen minutes of faith
Then I'd be secure
Chorus: My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace
Stand on grace
I've begged you for some proof
For my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leprous hand
And lions resting lazily
A glimpse of your back-side glory
And this soaked alter going ablaze
But you know I've seen so much
And I explained it away
Chorus
Bridge: Waters rose as my doubts came
Sandcastle faith it slipped away
I found myself standing on your grace
You've been there all the time
Chorus
I really like this song. It's a great illustration of the shifty nature of my faith. Despite all that the Bible says, despite the numerous testimonies I've heard, I have a hard time believing sometimes. It is sort of sad that way. But there is grace, which fortunately has been provided for me. Without that, I would be in trouble for sure.
So I am at work tonight, April 11th, at Moffit Computer Lab. There are a lot of people here due to midterms and whatnot, so there is a loooong waitlist. At one point, there were 30 people waiting to use a pc. Some people waited for over an hour!! That's a might long time, I think. Anyway, I have to call out the names on the waitlist. Apparently I was calling names too loud, and my sexy baritone voice was too enticing and therefore distracting, so one of the students using a computer came up to me, called me by name, and asked me to stop calling names with such volume. So I complied. Later, I was calling names again, and about 3-4 students in a row were not here. I called all their names three times each, as is the policy. One of my coworkers told me that this particular female, who finds me so attractive, was looking straight at me, with pure evil in her eyes, mouthing "they're not here" and other unrepeatable things. Haha. Yikes. I was thinking of just being spiteful and calling names out as loud as I could, but then decided against that, because that's not very nice. In fact, isn't feeling spite/revenge not good in itself? I find myself feeling this way more and more often as of late, especially when driving. I can understand how people can get so upset while driving, now that I have experienced it myself...quite often in this city. Not good, not good.
I was having a conversation the other day with a friend, and we were talking about friendships, and conflicts between friends, friends fighting, and mending their relationship afterwards, and such. This person was telling me about their particular problems with people they called friends, and I was trying to sympathise, and trying to think how I would react in those situations. I found it difficult, though. I'm not saying that I'm the greatest friend in the world or anything like that, but throughout my life, there have been very few instances where I have actually had a falling out or a serious argument or a fight with a friend. I don't think I have had an argument since like elementary school. But I am not sure why this has not happened to me. People have disagreements all the time. People don't heed the advice of their close friends all the time. People grow apart all the time. But for me, I don't know...I just have not had to go through the rough stuff. What does this say about me and my friendships? Are we all not as close as we think we are? I know I have a tendency to squash conflict, and even if something is bothering me, I tend to let it slide (but I'm trying to be more assertive these days, ladies, so don't be turned off...all 100,000 of you). How much does this influence my friendships? I also know that with people I consider close friends and people I like, I am partial in the sense that I overlook the faults, so much so sometimes that it is hard for me to even recognize the faults in others. So maybe this is another way I just avoid possible conflict in my friendships, because I am ignoring problems that need to be addressed? Or have I been blessed with close friends who are honest and open, willing to share the deep secrets with me, and willing to change at all times, with an understanding that whatever we say to each other is out of love for the others? I hope, and think, that this is the case. I like to think that I cherish my friends, and my relationship with them, and they feel the same. But in terms of being someone who is accountable, I do need work in that area--to sometimes say the things that need to be said despite the feelings that may be hurt or the friendship that might be broken as a result of it.
As always, if you have any thoughts on the matters at hand, feel free to write me. I'd be happy to discuss most of the things I write about on this thoughts page.