all day she has been
giving out
signals but oh so tiny that if you pick
up on them she could pull
back instantly but now there is some kind of faint
perfume too and she's already
bathed and she doesn't want anything to eat she says
oh maybe a cookie but she has just brushed
her teeth so no just some ice
tea for her and what happened to your hand she says
your knuckles look so swollen
and she takes the hand in hers and holds it for a moment
saying poor little knuckies
and then christ she
kisses the fucking fingers before she lets go
and then she looks you in
the eye and smiles as she pours her tea
and you recall reading something
that some character
in an updike novel said about how he and his wife
had reached the point
where everything needed to be planned out
in advance
including when to have sex so that all the day long
it would be there pressing in on
everything else until there was no spontaneity
and only the viagra to maintain some
semblance of normality

okay so okay given that the alzheimer's can take away
a lot of former
shyness and hesitancy and loosen one's inhibitions
still after all these
years of celibacy and almost total
abstinence surely the issues are more complex than
how to get laid on thursday

so there are always things to consider
then consider again then
reconsider like why you decided to read this book
while you are eating your pintos
and cooked cabbage
which are left over from the day before but that just
makes them better so you mike
the dinner
and get out a fork and take the place marker out of the book
which is not just any book but special
a book
you read years and years ago and only thought of again
recently god knows why but it figures
everything figures in
you have to expect that but when you start eating and reading
the fork isn't the right utensil if you're trying
to do things with one hand
because beans fall off a fork and don't go on easy to start with
and what you need
is to switch around so you can push things up on the tines
with the thumb and forefinger
of the hand you were holding the book with and there are no napkins
in sight the napkins got used up to blow people's
noses with when she forgot to buy tissue and no paper towels
the last of the paper towels
went to clean the cat shit earlier and you wipe
your thumb and forefinger on your jeans
and try to get back to your reading
only it's becoming more and more clear what is going on
for this book is wise blood
that you first read when you were thirty three years old and now
it's over twice that
and you just read where
hazel motes' mama is saying jesus died to redeem you and hazel says i never
ast him and you have to consider that too
and the fucking pintos what are pintos anyway without any
cornbread and even if we had some
it would
be the white kind without any sugar in it you know her
and when it comes to cornbread
who was a better judge than elvis who swore that the sweet yellow
that martha white makes is the only kind
he would ever let get
served at graceland and look what happened
to graceland
what a travesty somebody ought to be shot
but don't quote me on that like ole jerry lee said when they caught
him trying to break in after elvis died waving
his pistol and saying fuckit it man i just want to talk to him

but talk is cheap
and pintos are cheap and cabbage and cornbread and this life too
is cheap and nobody needs
to be justified
or crucified to make that clear so you have to consider that
and when she brushes up against
you again you decide to just
come out and say it telling her okay okay you wanna fuck let's fuck
think i can't do that
of course i can i could fuck a chicken if i wanted to
so look at it this way
and understand me good: i want to smear
these beans and cabbage on your titties and your
puss and eat them off you
with just my mouth and my fingers but
i can see it in your eyes already what the answer will be
no you're saying how can you ask
a thing like that what's got into you are you crazy
you put your face
down there you can just pack your bags and leave this house
you filthy nasty devil where do
you get these ideas anyway oh yeah like you forgot
all about fifty years ago
fifty my god can that be back when we were first married and i tried
to go down on you then
and you went running to your mama and she said
baby you have got
to leave that man you come on back home
and that's it isn't it we're gonna die without anything we
ever ever did that
was just ours alone just that close with nothing to come between us
not your mama nor jesus nor
the holy ghost not anything or anybody
so don't come back to me
with any more offers until you are prepared to say
eat me motherfucker
before we die
eat my cunt good and then fuck
my titties till the beans
fly in the air
like june bugs and i can get your dick in my mouth
and swallow the cum and the bean juice and the cabbage and then
take me out in the yard
and do it again do it all fuck me like a chicken and i don't
care who hears us or who comes by and sees
us let them gawk just so long
as you love me and want me and keep your arms around me and don't let them
take me don't let go ever don't leave me alone tell them
whatever happens we're in this together
and whither i goest
they got to take you too tell them tell the goddamn
bastards you're my man and you
promised me remember how you promised me
you won't give me up
not even when they lay us out on the bricks
and you won't leave you'll be there holding my hand
and we won't blink
we won't be afraid not ever again
and i'll just close
my eyes while you tell them
go ahead tell them it's all right now we don't need
their prayers we don't need their jesus and they can just fire up
the burners
and spread the fucking doors open and shove us home


�2007 by James Lineberger