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I DONT know what is going on inside my head. Really, truely and honestly I dont care anymore I want to just finish it all. School is going to drive me insane one of these days, but what student doesn't feel that. I just need to leave. I'm not sure whether or not I should move to Florida, I can't decide. I have so many reasons to, but I would miss it here too much. I couldnt be able to deal with not being next to the limited number of friends I have and the TALL buildiungs. I just don't understand. I feel as if the world is against me and yet I still don't understand what I've done wrong. I just don't understand why everyone hates me. It doesn't make sense in my mind, but then, does anything? Everything is getting to me and all I want to do at the moment is shut myself away in my room with my dog and my cat and my computer (of course) and lie in bed and cry. I don't want to go outside in fear of corrupting someone else's life. Because the ppl closest to me always get hurt, and i'm sick of feeling all of the guilt and pain. No one wants to talk to me and somehow I used to care, now I just dont. Now all I want to do is get life over with so i can FINALLY do something right. but nothing like that is happening..well anytime soon anyways. *sigh* I just can't understand any of it. |
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Right now i'm chilling and listening to music...I have no idea what is going on with my life at the moment...i feel as if im falling and there is no one there to catch me. I feel as if anything i do has no affect in the real world...It's like im subconciously here but in reality im just a figment of my imagination (i know that doesnt make anysense, its just the way that i feel) I feel as if im loosing my friends or so the people i call my friends, yes i know i have trust issues it comes in the standard package...right now im sorta freaked out because ever since i could remember iva had these violent migranes and lately they have just been getting worse and coming more and more. I think it could be some brain disease or something and the doctor is on vacay so that doesnt help me much...I just want to be free and forget about everything that has happened to me so far, which is hard because these people who ive talked about already talked about know about this thing (or this person) that happened last year. And i just want to forget about it. ALL OF IT. From this moment on im only going to forget about it...forget about all of the pain and suffering and im going to say it never happened...cuz its literally driving me insane. And i really really want to move but thats not happening yet so i still have to deal with these people...so u know what im going to do??? im going to forget about all of it, bye deleting everything i have online that reminds me of them, and then im physically going to seclude myself from the people, the summer will help some, and get rid of everyhting that is theirs or refers to them, i cant take it anymore, and from this moment on, even though i dont lie.....sam who??? i just hope my friends understand and play along... |
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okay, so i just had this really long chat with one of my guy friends that i've known forever, and i really like to leave people in mystery and suspense so i wont name names now cuz i found out people actually read this, who would have guessed? Neways, this guy friend of mine actually likes me, and its so weird, i mean, because i never looked at him in that way, but now its hard because i can try to be both his date and his best friend, but....i dont know. Its just really surprising. I have all of these disclaimers and stuff though, like NO ONE CAN KNOW. i just have many decisions to make, because apparently hes not the only one, and its weird y'know? so i dont know what im going to do, my self-esteem definately raised a couple of shots...i'm really happt though, its just hes so naive and perfect and i dont want to shatter that with my corruptiveness, i dunno what to do....i really dont. Its just different, and its like he was afair dot ask me out, apparently my other friend had to tell him my philosphy, which for all of u other people out there, its that everyone acts a different way in a different environment, its not their decision, its human nature, people act differently in front of friends, family, as a classmate, as a boyfriend, as a camp instructor, it doesnt matter, everyone has a different persona for every character the have the potential to be. And unless one experiments with a specific persona, u never know how they might behave...so like if u were my boyfriend and i thought of u as this shy timid person, and then we break up, become friends, and i find out ur this amazingly loud insane person, just because its a better suited environment, its just...hey...u never know! (u can tell this is hypothetical because im not friends with any of my ex's even though i try) so basically i would date anyone, and its not that im desperate, and im not making a commitment either, i just want to try new things....like breathing fresh air..sorta, maybe not, i dunno...lol, okay so im babbling again and its officially 4:30, and i havent slept yet, so maybe i should do that...i feel so much better, to have someone who actually cares, i mean i know i have people, but it took so much off of my mind,u have no idea how much the clarity felt so good... |
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