Reasons to Carry a Louisville Slugger
We all get pissed off sometimes. There's nothing that will ease
the moment like bashing the shit out of something. Or someone. Here
is a list of perfectly good reasons to go batty and, if you're wise enough
to always carry around a Slugger, you can make the day go by with a smile
on your face.
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The vending machine took your dollar and won't dispense your pork
rinds. You'd hurt your hand if you started punching the stupid thing
so take a couple swings at it. Aim for the dollar slot and selector
buttons and see what happens.
-
The car parked next to you is a bit too close. Anybody could
just smash the windshield, but hey, with your slugger you can give the body
enough dents to make the car look like a golf ball.
-
Next time they screw up your order at the drive-thru, politely walk
into the restaurant, ask to speak to the manager, tell the prick that you'll
insert the bat into a very uncomfortable place of theirs if they don't give
you what you ordered.
-
The fax machine. It hates you, you hate it. Kill the
fucker.
-
You see a guy grab some money out of the collection plate at church.
While saying the Lord's Prayer, pulverize the thief's hands. Nobody
steals from God on your watch.
-
The guy in the next bowling lane is a bit too loud and obnoxious,
feel free to give him one good knock on the head while he's standing at the
line getting ready to throw.
-
You happen to run into your ex-girlfriend's new guy. If he's
the reason she left you, use your bat to ease your suffering and broken
heart.
-
Some people won't stop talking during the movie at the theater? One
good bonk on the head should either knock them out or at least get them to
take the hint.
-
Bouncer at the club won't let you in? Don't aim for the gonads;
the steroids he's been injecting into his body have shriveled his jewels
to the size of apple seeds. A swift jab into his gut will settle his
hash.
-
Your boss starts giving you some shit? Rearrange the jerk's
office with your wooden buddy.
from The Wild Side, August 2001
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