SCENE

The Aioelluoaia family house.  The living room.


(MRS. AIOELLUOAIA enters, walking briskly.  She is followed by her son, HERBERT.)

					HERBERT
But mom!  I need money for college.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Need, need, need!  Is that all you children ever do?  Need is for the needy.  We have no
need for need!

					HERBERT
Mom, it's not like I'm asking you for money, I just want you to stop taking mine.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Children have no use for money.  All they do is spend it on that terrible heroin drug!
Always heroin!

					HERBERT
Mom, I've never touched drugs.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Don't try to trick me!  I know how your mind works.  Vicious little demons.  That's all
children are.  That's why I named you all Gabriel.

					HERBERT
You didn't name us all Gabriel.  And Gabriel was an archangel, not a demon.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Don't you back talk me, Gabriel!
(Grabs a vase, pulls out the flowers, throws the vase at him.)
There!  The holy water has been thrown.  Bye bye, demons!  Don't you feel fresh and clean
and rid of evil, now, honey?

					HERBERT
Mom...


					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
		(Suddenly bitter.)
NO!!  I HAVE NO MOM!!
		(Suddenly cheerful.)
Alright, now let's sit down on our wonderful little sofa.  Don't you just love people who
have sofas?  You can tell how sane they are.  Let's sit here, and do nothing while staring
ahead at nothing, like normal people.
		(Sits, doesn't budge or speak.)

					HERBERT
Mom.  Mom!

		(Enter GRANA-NANA-NANNY.)

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Stewart!  We gotta put the dogs out again!  Put 'em out of their misery!  Ha!  That's what
I always do.  I live by it.  I kill dogs.  Dogs are for killin'!  While you're at it, I'm
getting a hankerin' for rotten dog stew!  Make me a nice, hot bowl o' dog stew!  Nice and
rotten!
		(Laughs uproariously.)
Shit, shit, and more shit.

					HERBERT
Nana, who are you talking to?  There's no one there.

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Oh, it's you, Octavius.  Well, did ya bring the pile of rotten dog I ordered?  Is it nice
and stinky?

					HERBERT
Nana, that's disgusting.

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Don't call me "Nana"!  I ain't been raised to be nobody's Nana.  I'm your lovable, spit-fire,
good-eatin', tough as hell Grana-nana-nanny!  You know why I have such a long name?  Cuz I'm
so tough, that's why!  And you know why I'm so tough?  Cuz I eat people!  You should too,
sonnyboy.  Why, eatin' all sorts of good food, like rocks, or dirt, or manatee fat, that's a
delicacy, why that'll put hair all over your chest before you can say "Now that's a penis!"
I got the hairiest chest this side o' Denver!  Wanna see?

					HERBERT
No!  God, no!

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
God?  What's he ever done for me?  Well except that one time.  He raised me from the dead.
Wasn't that sweet o' Him?
		(To the air.)
Thanks, God!  I'm back and kickin' and heel-clickin' and dirt-lickin' more than ever.
Amazing what a little glue and paint will do to fix a dead body.


					HERBERT
Nan ... Grana-nana-nanny, could you please talk some sense into Mom?

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Nah, don't think I could.

					HERBERT
She keeps taking all the money I'm saving for college and gambling it away.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
		(Coming out of her trance.)
Ladies from normal families do not gamble.  We take the risk of wasting money for the slim
chance of winning a larger amount of money.

					HERBERT
That's gambling!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Don't be ridiculous, dear.
		(Goes back into her trance.)

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
What the hell do you wanna go to them colleges for, anyway, Octavius?  Them colleges is for
homosexuals!  I didn't raise no homosexuals!  Everyone knows they come from San Francisco!
There's a great, big pod that grows 'em!

					HERBERT
I need an education.




					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Education!  Ha!  In my day, we had no brains!  All we did was lie there like a sack o'
potatoes!  My, were those the days.

					HERBERT
That's it.  No one will help me.  I cannot take this anymore.  Nana, mom, I'm committing
suicide.

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Serves ya damn right!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
		(Coming out of her trance again.)
Don't be suicidal, dear.  We've discussed this.  No emotions.

					HERBERT
That's right!  That's right!  No emotions.  Never any emotions.  Never any common sense, or
human decency, or sympathy.  This family just doesn't care.

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Now, don't you go on like that.  You know we care.  'Bout lotsa stuff.  I care about what
tomorrow may bring, and what type o' weird things I'll eat next.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
And I care about being normal, and making sure no one discusses such non-existent things as
sexual intercourse or menstruation or nipples.  They don't exist, dear, let's not discuss it
any further.

					HERBERT
Mom, things don't just go away simply because you don't like them!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh of course they do, dear.  Really!

					HERBERT
Mom, you always do this.  Like when Drew came out of the closet, you pretended not to know
what the word "gay" meant.  And then when he explained it, you changed the subject.


					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
		(To GRAN-NANA-NANNY.)
Oh my, but aren't those a lovely pair of boots you're wearing today?

					GRAN-NANA-NANNY
I don't got no boots.  I wasn't raised to wear boots.  I was raised to eat boots!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Don't be silly, of course you're wearing boots.

					GRAN-NANA-NANNY
Did I ever tell either of you that I'm a hermaphrodite?  Boy, the fun we used to have with
that!  Playin' tricks on Reverend Cocksucker.

					MRS. AIOELLAIA
There's no such Reverend.  And you are not a hermaphrodite, which doesn't exist, oh my, so
where did that word come from?  No, you are an old lady.  A nice, quiet, normal old lady who
knits sweaters and bakes cookies-

					GRAN-NANA-NANNY
And drinks blood!!  I think I could go for a nice, fresh neck right now.

					HERBERT
You people all make me sick!!!

(HERBERT tries to exit, but is stopped by the entrance of his UNCLE WALLY.)

					UNCLE WALLY
Where ya going there, little tyke-o-roo?

					HERBERT
You stay away from me!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Now, that's no way to greet your loving Uncle Wally, is it?

					HERBERT
Mom, he's been molesting me since I was five years old.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Of course, dear.  That's what uncles do.

					HERBERT
Molest their nephews!?

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Why, no!  Don't suggest such a thing.  I meant that they play with their nephews.  All
nephews love their uncles.

					HERBERT
I didn't say he played with me.  I said he molested me!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
No, you didn't, dear.

					HERBERT
YES I DID!!!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh Herbert, Herbert, what will we do with you?  Always making up words.  Molestation.
There's no such thing.

		(UNCLE WALLY grabs at HERBERT'S crotch.)

					HERBERT
You see?  He just tried to.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh no, no, no.  He was tickling you.  Tickling.

					UNCLE WALLY
		(Confidentially, to HERBERT.)
Wanna go in your closet, like we used to?

		(HERBERT kicks UNCLE WALLY in the shin.)

					HERBERT
Child molester!

					UNCLE WALLY
Ooh!  I enjoyed that.  Kick me again.  Again!

					HERBERT
The Hell I will.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
I have two eyes, two ears, two legs, two arms, and two heads.  You see?  Everything normal
comes in twos.

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
'Cept for testicles.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
I have two of those, also.

					HERBERT
You're a woman.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Yes, honey.  Only, I'm not a woman.  I'm two women.
		(Switches personalities.)
Me Guwara!  Me Neanderthal!
		(Switches back.)
See?

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
'Zat you, Wally?  What're ya doin' back in our neck of the woods?  I thought I kicked your
ass to oblivion last time.  I kicked all my children's asses, they're just so damn unruly.
So goddamn foul-mouthed, the little fucks.

					UNCLE WALLY
Aw, shucks, Ma.  You shouldn't be cussing.  Look at me.  I don't cuss.  And look what a
wonderful, decent person I am.

		(UNCLE WALLY grabs onto HERBERT and sticks his hand down HERBERT's pants.)

					HERBERT
Get the fuck off!

					UNCLE WALLY
I'm trying.

					HERBERT
Let go of me, you pervert!

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Mmm.  Pervert's my favorite kind of ice cream.  You know, raspberry pervert, lemon pervert.
All nice and sticky.  But that's not my favorite sticky, gooey food.
		(Laughs, remembers fondly.)
Ah, guano...


					HERBERT
Mom!  Please help me.  He's touching me right now.

					UNCLE WALLY
Let's go into your bedroom and play for awhile.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Now, you two play nicely.  Have fun!

					HERBERT
No!  No!!

		(UNCLE WALLY drags HERBERT off.)

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Isn't that sweet?

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Sweet as a mule's head!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh, mother.  Mother, where did I go wrong?  How did I mess it up?  Do you think I should have
kept him in the womb a couple more years?

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
I don't think much, thinkin's for them astronauts or whatever-ya-call-em.  But I do reckon
that ya might have.  I mean, I kept you squeezed in there for a good decade or so.  Did
wonders.  I'm as flexible as a balloon.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
I mean, first Drew, now Herbert.  Where will it all end?

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
I'm not sure.  What say we talk about it over a nice, healthy helpin' of haggis and sheep
balls?

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh yum.

		(They exit.  After a moment, NINA-MRS. A's daughter-enters.  She is a few
		years younger than HERBERT.  She is followed by BRUCE, a very attractive
		young man.)


					NINA
Come in.  Come on in.

					BRUCE
Nice place.

					NINA
Yeah.  It'll do.

					BRUCE
So how long have you lived here?

					NINA
God, Bruce, quit the small talk already.  Do you want to have sex or not?

					BRUCE
Point.  Where at?

					NINA
The couch would be great.

					BRUCE
Sounds good to me.

		(BRUCE and NINA begin making out on the couch.  After a moment, OLD MEREDITH
		AIOELLUOAIA-NINA's great-grandmother-enters.  She is ancient.  Sort of if
		Katherine Hepburn were 200 years old and on acid.  She walks with an
		exaggeratedly bent gait, and shakes a lot.  She has a wild gleam in her	eyes,
		which constantly dart about.  She stands in front of NINA and BRUCE for
		awhile, maybe watching, maybe not, it's unclear. She then speaks.  When she
		does, she whistles her "S"s.)

					OLD MEREDITH
Ssssssex!

		(NINA and BRUCE scream and sit up.)

					NINA
Oh my God!

					OLD MEREDITH
Sssssex!  Ssssscrew... sssstimulate... ssssaucyyyy...

					BRUCE
Who's this?

					NINA
It's just my great-grandmother.  She's not really there, at all.  If I take her somewhere and
leave her, she should be no problem.

					OLD MEREDITH
Thesssse bonessss were made for walkin'...

					NINA
Grandma Meredith, you startled us.

					OLD MEREDITH
		(To BRUCE, touching his face, smiling.)
You are a ssssssaucy boy!  A sssssaucy, ssssssaucy boy!

					BRUCE
I thought you said no one would be home.

					NINA
Well, they rarely take Grandma Meredith with them anywhere, she gets into too much trouble.
They usually leave her here, but it's very rare that she makes it this far out of her room.

					OLD MEREDITH
Sssssaucyyyy...

					NINA
Grandma Meredith, let's get you back to your room, alright?

					OLD MEREDITH
There never was any pumpkin pie...

					BRUCE
So, you're sure there's no one else in the house right now?

					NINA
Hmm ... maybe I'd better go check, just in case.  I'll be right back.  Just watch her for me.
She won't be too much trouble, as long as you keep her away from the walls.

					OLD MEREDITH
Walllllsssssss ... sssssaucy wallllssss ... roaaassssst beeef...

					NINA
I'll be right back, Grandma Meredith.  Bruce, here, will watch you.

					OLD MEREDITH
Ssssssaucy?

					NINA
That's right.  I'm coming right back.
		(Exits.)

					BRUCE
So, Granny ... may I call you Meredith?

					OLD MEREDITH
You are a sssssaucy boy!  A ssssssaucy, sssaucy boy!

					BRUCE
You don't understand a word I'm saying, do you?

					OLD MEREDITH
Toothpasssste on my teethhh...

					BRUCE
Guess what.  I'm gonna fuck your great granddaughter.
		(She looks at him with mild interest.)
That's right.  Fuck.  I'm gonna give her the time of her life, and we're gonna fuck like
animals.  How about that?

				OLD MEREDITH
Jam tomorrow, jam today...

					BRUCE
That's what I thought.  I'm gonna fuck her, and I'm not gonna use a condom.  And then I'm
gonna go back to school, and brag to all my friends about it, and spread nasty rumors that
she's a slut, and ruin her reputation.
	
					OLD MEREDITH
Sssssssssaucyyyyy...

		(OLD MEREDITH wanders over toward the telephone.
		She picks it up.  BRUCE does not see this.)



					BRUCE
Yeah, I bet she's a nice, tight little girl.  Wonder if she can handle me.  I got a hog so big
you'd pass out.

					OLD MEREDITH
		(Mostly to herself.)
Hogssss ... Ssaucy boy...

					BRUCE
You know what the best part is?  There's nothing you can do about it, 'cuz you don't know what
I'm saying, do you?  You gross, withered prune-

		(OLD MEREDITH hits him over the head, knocking him unconscious.)

					OLD MEREDITH
Sssaucy boy ... sssssex...

		(She drags BRUCE off the couch and exits with him intact.  After a moment,
		NINA comes running in, followed by MRS. AIOELLUOAIA.)

					NINA
God, God, God, God!!!  I thought you all were going to be out of town this weekend!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Well, we decided to stay in order to give you more loving care and affection.  You slut.

					NINA
You're ruining my life!!
		(Looks at the couch.)
Where the hell is Bruce?  He was probably scared off by Grandma Meredith.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
No, no, Old Meredith has been dead all day.  I buried her this morning.

					NINA
Well, she was roaming about, like her usual self.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh dear.  She must have not been dead, then.  Resilient woman, clawing back up through all
that dirt.

					NINA
Mom, did you even bother to call a coroner or the hospital to see if she was dead?

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh no, dear.  I know what I'm doing.  Now, if I can just light some of the furniture on
fire, maybe it won't be so chilly in this house.

					NINA
Why can't you just go away!?  You're ruining my life.

		(UNCLE WALLY enters, dressed only in his underwear, smoking a cigarette.)

					UNCLE WALLY
Oh God, yeah!!  That was just what I needed.

					NINA
		(To MRS. AIOELLUOAIA.)
What the hell is he doing here?  That man is sick.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
But it's your loving Uncle Wally.

					NINA
Mom, he's not even our real uncle.  He's a man you brought home one day from God knows
where.  After screwing his brains out, you started calling him Uncle Wally.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
I did not "screw" him, sweet daughter Nina, I was merely being a good hostess.

					NINA
And he's been molesting Herbert!  I know because you've made me watch it before.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Aren't educational experiences wonderful, dear?

					UNCLE WALLY
I'll tell you something, that boy wears me out.  He's got such a strong, tight little body.


					NINA
Oh, you unbelievable pervert!

		(Enter Herbert, completely disheveled.)

Herbert, are you alright-?

					HERBERT
Don't look at me!!

					UNCLE WALLY
How's my little wrestling buddy?

					HERBERT
I hate you.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh!  Isn't that lovely?  Uncle Wally has raped my son again.  Let's all celebrate with some
Ovaltine!

		(OVALTINE enters.  It is a normal human being, can be either male or female.)

					OVALTINE
Hiya, peoples!  I'm Ovaltine, everyone's favorite chocolately nutritious drink.  I give
strong bones!  And I taste great!

					NINA
What the fuck are you talking about?  Mom, who is this person?

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
This is no person, silly.  This is the chocolate drink Ovaltine.

					NINA
It's a person.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
No dear, a drink.

					OVALTINE
A drink that gives strong bones and tastes great!

					UNCLE WALLY
I've got a strong bone right now.

					HERBERT
No more.  Please.

					UNCLE WALLY
		(To OVALTINE.)
I wonder if you taste as good as little Herby.

					OVALTINE
Uhh ... I am delicious!  And good for you!

					UNCLE WALLY
Yeah, I got something good for you.

		(UNCLE WALLY drags OVALTINE off.)

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Uncle Wally!  Always drinking all our Ovaltine.

					HERBERT
I am not chocolate.  I am not chocolate.  No, no, no!  Bad touch!  Bad touch!

					NINA
Mom, what just happened?  That didn't make any sense.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Of course it did.  Uncle Wally loves Ovaltine.

					NINA
That wasn't Ovaltine!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
No one listens to sluts.

					NINA
You bitch!

					HERBERT
There's no place like homo uncle ... The bad ship Lollipop ... No!  No lollipop!

					NINA
Are you alright, Herbert?

					HERBERT
Me?  Me?  Fine, me.  Me fine.  You fine.  We fine.

					NINA
Herbert-

					HERBERT
DON'T LOOK AT ME!!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh my, it appears that my son Herbert is suffering from a nervous breakdown.  That means
we'll have to get him on some medication and isolate him from the world and pretend that
he's abroad or terribly ill.

					NINA
I'll tell you what we need to get.  We need to get Uncle Wally as far from him as possible.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
You were an accident, and we don't love you.

					NINA
Big surprise.

		(Enter BRUCE, disoriented and with no pants.)

					BRUCE
What?  Where am I?

					NINA
There you are!  Where did you go?

					BRUCE
I don't know, but I'm feeling very exhausted.

		(Enter OLD MEREDITH.)

					OLD MEREDITH
Thisss isss Jeopardy...

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh, no.  Grandmother, have you been wandering about?

					OLD MEREDITH
		(To BRUCE.)
You are a sssssaucy boy!  A ssssaucy, sssaucy boy!


					NINA
No.  You ... didn't.  God, no...

					OLD MEREDITH
Sssssex!

					NINA
OH GOD!!!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Do not take our Lord's name in vain, God damn it!

					BRUCE
Did I miss something?

					NINA
No, you were very much a part of something, apparently.  Gross me out!

					OLD MEREDITH
Sssaucy boyyy.  Horizzzontal polkaa.

					BRUCE
Wha...?  You mean...?

					OLD MEREDITH
SSSAUCY!

		(BRUCE screams, horrified.)

					NINA
This is why we keep her locked up.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Have I ruined your social life yet again, dear?  I'm so glad!  We don't want you having a
life or even making friends, now.

					BRUCE
God!  No!  God!  Nina, quick!  Have sex with me!  Get it off!  Get it off!

					NINA
I'm not touching you, now.

		(BRUCE exits, screaming.)

					HERBERT
Okay, I'm done with my breakdown now.  Ready to face this screwed up world again.  Boy,
repression is a wonderful thing, isn't it?  Uncle who?  I don't know what anyone's talking
about.  I am a normal young man in a normal family.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
I see you've come out of your illness, Herbert.  Why don't you share a nice glass of
Ovaltine with your Uncle Wally.

					HERBERT
I HAVE NO UNCLE WALLY!!!

		(Enter GRANA-NANA-NANNY.)

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
We're about to receive a phone call.

		(The phone rings.)

					NINA
How did you...?

		(MRS. AIOELLUOAIA answers it.)

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Hello.  Yes?  Yes, this is the Aioelluoaia residence.  No, dear, it's pronounced
Aioelluoaia.  Ai-o-ell-u-o-ai-a.

					HERBERT
So, that's how we pronounce our last name.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
What exactly are you selling?  I see.  Oh, I see!  Yes, we'd love one.  How soon will it be
delivered?

		(The doorbell rings.)

My, that was fast!  What wonderful service.  Thank you so much.

		(MRS. AIOELLUOAIA hangs up the phone and answers the door.  BRUCE, having
		changed into a delivery	boy outfit, enters, carrying a package.)

					BRUCE
I've got your package here, for you, ma'am.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Wonderful!  Now, what was the payment we agreed on again, over the phone?

					BRUCE
You know, we can just skip the payment if you allow me one night to do as I please to your
already emotionally scarred son.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh, how kind-hearted of you!  Right this way.

					HERBERT
What?

					NINA
Bruce?  What are you doing in that outfit?

					BRUCE
I am not Bruce.  I am horny.

					NINA
Where did you get a delivery boy outfit?

					BRUCE
No jiros.  Yearos.
		(To HERBERT.)
What's your name?

					HERBERT
I'm Herbert.  Who are you?

					BRUCE
I am a delivery boy.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
You have to go with him, now, Herbert.  I promised your body to him as payment.

					HERBERT
N...no...

		(HERBERT whines and cries pathetically as BRUCE	drags him off.)


					NINA
I can't take another moment.  I think you should all be sealed away in some cavern, buried
deep beneath the earth's surface.  Mom, I'm leaving.

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Let me give ya some of my grandmotherly advice.  Stay away from them bathhouses and orgy
parlors, they're too damn expensive.  Eat lotsa raw vegetables.  When I say "vegetables," I
mean human flesh, of course.  And above all, don't get involved with an animal, it just
complicates things.  Remember we love ya, you selfish little cocksucking bitch.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Go ahead, then!  Leave!  See if I care, which I don't.  You'll just miss the opening of this
wonderful package I have ordered.

					NINA
Yeah, stick the package up your ass, Mom.

		(NINA exits.)

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh well.  I guess there's no stopping someone with a personality as strange as hers.

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
I reckon I agree.  As I've always said, ya can't stop crazy people from bein' crazy.  Isn't
that right, Ma?

					OLD MEREDITH
Ssscrambled egggssss...

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
I guess there's nothing left now, but to repeat word exercises.  That seems to be the only
thing I can come up with.  Ah, what a to-do, to die today at a minute or two till two.  To
sit in solemn silence on a dull, dark dock.  You see, Mother, Grandmother, I am doing this
to better myself.  We must all better ourselves.  Such activities as word exercises,
believing everything we read, or playing mind games with our children, all those are
beneficial.  I should know.  I'm always right.


					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
I done a damn fine job o' raisin' ya.  Ma would be so proud, if she were here.  Oh, she is.
Well, she'd be proud, if she could still comprehend.

		(Enter OVALTINE.)

					OVALTINE
I killed Uncle Wally.

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Did ya!?  HA!!  I knew someone would do it, someday.  Hell, I tried a couple times, when he
was young.  But all my children all so sturdy and cunning.  Why, they wouldn't have escaped
me when I tried to eat them after giving birth to them, if they weren't!

					OVALTINE
I am good for you.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y.  Vowels.  Aioelluoaia.

					OVALTINE
You have a package.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh yes.  So I do.  Shall we open the package, then?

					OVALTINE
I shall become a serial killer.  It seems to me the only plausible solution left.  The feel
of your Uncle's blood on my hands was just too delicious.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Opening packages.  First, I shall inhale its aroma.
		(Inhales its aroma.)

					OVALTINE
All that crisply red liquid dripping through my fingers...

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Next, we shake it and pretend that hearing how it shakes will reveal what it is.
		(Shakes the package.)


					OVALTINE
Yes.  Yes, that's it.  I am the God of Blood.  I am nosferatu.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Now, we may open it.

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Who's we?

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
I don't know.  I assumed someone else was in my persona.  I may have been wrong.  Just this
once.

					OVALTINE
LISTEN TO ME, ALL YE OF MANKIND!!!  YOUR DESTRUCTION IS AT HAND!  I AM OVALTINE!  I WILL
ERADICATE YOU ALL!  LET THE GENOCIDE BEGIN!

		(MRS. AIOELLUOAIA opens the package.  Inside are some official-looking
		papers.)

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Ohhhhh!!!  Myyyyyy!!!  Look at it!!  It's ... I don't know what it is.  What is this?

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Looks mighty good to eat.

					OLD MEREDITH
Sssson of perrrditionnn...

					OVALTINE
What was I saying?  I got distracted by the package.  Oh well, I'm sure it wasn't important,
anyway.  And now, it's time for my earmuffs.
		(Takes out a pair of earmuffs and puts them on.)

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Wait a minute.  I know these.  These are various documents vitally important to my son
Herbert's life and advancement in society!  How wonderful!  Herbert!  Oh, that's right.
That charming delivery boy is with him.  Mom, would you go get him?

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Quicker than you can say "Hey!  That's not Yanni!"

		(GRANA-NANA-NANNY exits.  MRS. AIOELLUOAIA talks to OVALTINE.  During this
		conversation, OLD MEREDITH tries making love to the floor.)

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh, Ovaltine.  You know I love you.

					OVALTINE
I remember.  It was killing.  I wanted to be a serial killer.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
You always know how to have a good time.  Just like mom.
		(Looks in another direction, screaming.)
NO!!  I TOLD YOU, I HAVE NO MOM!!
		(Back to OVALTINE.)
I'm not sure where that came from.  Really.  I'm just full of surprises today.

					OVALTINE
You're insane.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
I'm not the one who wants to be a serial killer.  I'm just full of surprises, that's all.
Like this.  This is a surprise.

		(Loud music suddenly plays.  MRS. AIOELLUOAIA starts singing and dancing.)

	I am Herbert's mother.
	Call me Mrs. A!
	Had a daughter Nina,
	But she ran away!
	I hired a man and called him Uncle Wally!
	Paid him lotsa money to molest my son!
	We're a happy family!  Just happy and jolly!
	But that soon will change, because I've hardly begun!

		(The song ends.)

You see, Ovaltine?  I'm just full of mirth and joy.  I enjoy spreading this mirth and joy
to my children.  I sincerely hope I've raised them well.  Why, with this much love and
affection I give them, they may turn out as well as my old Grandma Meredith.  Isn't that
right, Grandma?

					OLD MEREDITH
Miiisssssssiiissssssippiiii...  sssssssaucy!

					OVALTINE
Just make sure they drink their Ovaltine.  Make sure, damn it!  MAKE SURE!!!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
I will!  I will!

		(Enter GRANA-NANA-NANNY, dragging HERBERT in by	the ear.  BRUCE follows,
		carrying a robe and a tobacco pipe.)

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Here's the youngin' you were lookin' for!  You won't believe what just happened.  I caught
these two in one of them sex acts!  See!  I knew all these dreams o' them colleges would
turn him into a homosexual!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh no!  Herbert!  How could you?

					HERBERT
WHAT!?

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
I simply cannot believe it.  You're turning into another Drew!

					HERBERT
Mom, I'm not Drew!  I'm not gay!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Then, what were you doing in a sexual act with this delivery boy?

					BRUCE
Well, I believe I can explain that one, ma'am.  You see, I'm not actually a delivery boy
at all.  I'm actually his father and your husband Mr. Aioelluoaia.
		(Puts on the robe.  Puts pipe in his mouth.)
See?

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh darling!  I thought it looked like you!

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Ha!  We sure fooled you, didn't we?  I told my son-in-law here to go get plastic surgery,
then try and seduce his own daughter, then return as a delivery boy and seduce his son!
And it worked!  I still got it!  I am the best prankster in town!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh Mom!  Really!  Why such great lengths for a joke?

					BRUCE
April fools, honey!

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Oh, is it the first of April already?

					HERBERT
No, it's not.  And you're not my father.  Mom, this is not Dad.  Even with plastic surgery,
this could not possibly be Dad.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Now, you watch your mouth, mister!  We still have to deal with you, and this little problem.
It chills me to think you're not only like Drew, but you're also guilty of incest.

					HERBERT
I didn't do anything wrong!!!

					BRUCE
Yes, son.  I'm afraid you'll have to be heavily punished.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
You see, I received a package today.  See these?  These are highly important documents for
you.  Here's your birth certificate.  Your permanent school records.  Oh, and your college
applications and acceptance letters!  But no.  No college for you, young man.  I'm sorry.

		(MRS. AIOELLUOAIA rips up all the documents and	tosses them into the air.)

					HERBERT
NO!  NO! NO!!!

		(HERBERT runs to where the torn pieces of paper land.  He collapses on them,
		weeping.)

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Well now, that takes care of that.

					BRUCE
Not completely.  I don't think he's learned his lesson yet.  Let him have some time alone
with me, his father.

					HERBERT
		(Quietly.)
You're not my father.

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Very well, dear.  Ovaltine, Mom, why don't we go into the kitchen and have something
healthy to eat?

					OVALTINE
Like blood?

					GRANA-NANA-NANNY
Sounds good to me!  I know several recipes.  We could use Wally's blood.

					HERBERT
		(To himself.)
But then again, I don't really remember what father looks like, now.  What's happening to me?

					MRS. AIOELLUOAIA
Alright.  Herbert, listen to your father.  He knows best.  If only Drew and Nina had listened
to him.

		(MRS. AIOELLUOAIA, GRANA-NANA-NANNY, and OVALTINE exit.)

					HERBERT
Maybe you are my dad.  I'm not sure, anymore.

					BRUCE
No, you were right.  I'm not.

					HERBERT
What?


					BRUCE
I am actually a figment of your imagination, Herbert.

		(NINA enters.)

					HERBERT
Nina!  You came back.

					NINA
Herb, do you want to come with me?  We can go to the police or talk to the press about this
or something.

					HERBERT
Yes!  Yes!  I want to get out of here.

					BRUCE
You'll never leave.

					HERBERT
		(To BRUCE.)
Oh, you shut up!  You are not my father!

					NINA
Herbert, who are you talking to?

					HERBERT
Him.  The guy you brought home is pretending to be Dad, and now he's molesting me, since
Uncle Wally's dead.

					NINA
Herb, there's no one there.

					HERBERT
What are you talking about?  He's right there.

		(BRUCE grabs on to HERBERT.)

Ahh!  Get off of me, you freak!

					BRUCE
You'll never escape.

					NINA
Oh God.  They've finally done it to.  You're becoming one of them.


					HERBERT
No!  Nina!  Get him off of me.  Help.

					NINA
I'm sorry, big brother.  I can't handle it.  I can't look back, and I can't have anything
reminding me of the past.  Goodbye.

		(NINA exits.)

					HERBERT
No!  Wait!  Nina!

					BRUCE
You see, Herbert?  I'm all in your mind.  This whole thing is in your mind.

					HERBERT
I hate you.  Go away.

					BRUCE
Now, now ... You know I can't do that.

					HERBERT
No.  I don't want to be an Aioell... an Aoelua... I can't even pronounce my last name.

					BRUCE
Shhh.  It's alright.  Aioelluoaia.  Aioelluoaia.

					HERBERT
That name is so hypnotizing.

					BRUCE
Aioelluoaia.  Aioelluoaia.

					HERBERT
Dad?

					BRUCE
Ooh, I love it when you call me that.  Come on, now.  Time for your punishment.

					HERBERT
Saucy dad ... a saucy, saucy boy, that dad...

		(BRUCE drags HERBERT off.  OLD MEREDITH, who has been watching this whole
		situation, with great interest, comes forth, and addresses the audience.)

					OLD MEREDITH
I hope my great-grandchildren turn out alright.

		(OLD MEREDITH exits.)


					END