SEMBLABLE
A
quasi-Absurdist pseudo-tragicomedy
in three acts
by Eric Salonis
Copyright
© Eric Salonis 1997, 2000, 2003, 2005, 2006
SEMBLABLE
A
quasi-Absurdist pseudo-tragicomedy in three acts...
CHARACTERS
NICHOLE Our narrator, of sorts;
French teacher and devout follower of Theatre of the Absurd; also Miss Blable’s landlady; is she English? Is she Southern? Is she
real? Mid 40s to mid 60s
MISS BLABLE An Absurdist theatre character;
a woman with the consistency of a kaleidoscope; the play is about her, but she
hates it; can be nice; can be dangerous; 30s to 40s
SHANNON SMITH Representative from Salvation
Army; friendly and devoted to her cause, but does not like to be pushed around;
late 20s to early 30s
HEATHER GOODLIN Miss Blable’s
new neighbor; bright and chatty; mid 30s to early 40s
JILL HOOVER A soon-to-be college freshman
who is lost and needs directions to the university; easily disturbed; 18 years
old
ERIC DAVIS Junior in college; doing a
survey for his psychology course; sarcastic and cynical; 20 years old
DAN PETERSON Door-to-door salesman; rather
insecure; 20s to early 30s
THE WRITER The writer of the play, which
Miss Blable hates
SCENES
ACT I Late August, early afternoon; Miss Blable’s living room located somewhere in suburbia; later,
located in some place called Frangypt
ACT II The
same, a half hour later;
ACT III The
same, an intdeterminate amount of time later; later,
located within Nichole’s “own conclusions,” a Plot-Character Continuum glitch created
by The Writer’s revisions.
PROLOGUE
NICHOLE, a middle-aged, scholarly-looking woman,
stands in front of a portable chalkboard.
On the chalkboard are several words written in both French and English.
NICHOLE is writing words on the chalkboard and
teaching us French. SHE speaks with a
refined British accent.
NICHOLE
I. Je. The subjective. Me. Moi. The
objective. Etre. To
be. Conjugated in the first
person singular as suis. Je suis. “I am.”
Je suis
moi-même.
“I am myself.” But...Je ne suis pas moi-même,
aujourd’hui.
“I am not myself today.”
(Points to a verb)
Acheter. To buy. Infinitive. Je voudrais
acheter un chapeau. “I would like to buy a hat.” Je voudrais acheter du fromage. “I would like to buy some cheese.” Je voudrais
acheter un chapeau de fromage et touts les chapeaus semblables! “I would like to buy a cheese hat and all
similar hats!”
(Admonishing)
Pay
attention, please.
(Writes more words)
Verbs. Les verbes. Ending in E-R. Acheter, jouer, ecriver, et les verbes semblables.
(As NICHOLE goes on, MISS BLABLE enters, carrying an
ornate hand-mirror. SHE stares at
NICHOLE, menacingly)
NICHOLE
(continued)
Now,
such verbs as those that end in E-R are conjugated...
(Notices MISS BLABLE)
Et comment je peux vous
aider, mon
amie?
MISS BLABLE
I
have a question.
NICHOLE
And
I have an answer.
MISS BLABLE
Are
you certain of that?
NICHOLE
What
is your question?
MISS BLABLE
What
does that word mean?
(Points)
NICHOLE
Ah! Semblable means “similar”.
MISS BLABLE
Semblable...?
NICHOLE
Oui! Similar!
MISS BLABLE
I
see. Hm.
NICHOLE
Yes. Now, please do take your seat, and we shall—
(MISS BLABLE abruptly grabs an eraser and begins
vehemently erasing all the words on the chalkboard, as if they were somehow
offensive to her – the only word that remains is “semblable”)
NICHOLE
(continued)
What
is this? What are you...? Stop that, at once! Return to your seat! I said, return to your seat, Miss Whoever-You-Are. What are you doing? This is my classroom, and I will not have
this sort of nonsense—
(MISS BLABLE wheels around towards NICHOLE and
thrusts the hand-mirror up before NICHOLE’S face. SHE shouts, in a booming voice)
MISS
BLABLE
SEM-BLA-BLE!
(Her voice reverberates. The LIGHTS intensify, and a deep sound, like
a meteor crashing, is heard. NICHOLE
stares into the mirror for a moment, transfixed in a sort of inexplicable
horror; SHE begins screaming, madly;
NICHOLE grabs a piece of chalk and slashes fiercely
at the word “semblable” on the chalkboard. Her screams become mixed with vaguely
intelligible shrieks of the word “Similar!” as SHE runs about the stage,
madly. SHE exits, still screaming.
MISS BLABLE watches her go and then calmly wheels
the chalkboard off stage; SHE steps forward and addresses the audience)
MISS
BLABLE
Hi. How’s everyone doing, tonight? Good?
That’s good. I see you all turned
up here, to watch this play, which is about me.
I’m Miss Blable, and this is my story. Come!
Come with me, and discover the secrets that...
(Her tone changes completely; SHE seems disheartened
and annoyed)
Okay,
you know what? Screw this. I’m going to forewarn you, right now: this
play is the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever seen. I was mortified when I read the script –
which is kind of weird in the first place, since it’s about me, and I’m a
fictional character. But really, nothing
in this makes any sense. So honestly, I
would get out of your seats and just go home right now. No! No,
I shouldn’t say that. Actually, I do
want you to stay and see my story.
Really, I do, it’s just...I’m not satisfied with the way my story is
written. But there’s nothing I can do
about it. I’m just along for the ride, a
helpless victim of fiction. But then,
who knows? Maybe you’ll like it. Maybe you’ll learn something new, maybe
you’ll laugh, maybe you’ll have fun...or maybe you’ll see the truth and realize
it’s absolute garbage.
(Looks offstage, where NICHOLE exited)
Wait
a second...she was speaking in the British accent, wasn’t she? That doesn’t make sense. I know you have no idea what I’m talking
about yet, but trust me, it’s inconsistent.
Oh well. My life is pretty damn
weird. Okay. Deep breath...I’m just going to let this
happen because I don’t really care one way or the other. This is my life, not yours. All right, then! Love and kisses! Oh, and I believe we’re going to start off
the show with some sort of bizarre, artsy-fartsy,
stylized introduction or something.
(Several people enter behind her, forming a line:
SHANNON SMITH, HEATHER GOODLIN, JILL HOOVER, ERIC DAVIS and DAN PETERSON; they
stand in various, stylized poses, as LIGHTS pool on them in different colors;
we hear New Age music, underneath)
MISS BLABLE
(continued)
What
did I tell you? God, I’m going to need a
drink when this is all over. Okay, let’s
start this mother!
(MISS BLABLE walks over to a wall and flips a large
switch that brings the LIGHTS up full, on the other characters; SHE exits;
LIGHTS and SOUND do various, “surreal” things as the
characters before us cryptically present themselves)
The
Good Samaritan...
HEATHER
The
next-door soccer mom...
JILL
The
innocent freshman...
ERIC
The
cynical junior...
DAN
The
door-to-door salesman...
ALL FIVE
All
similar! All semblable!
(The effect is shattered as NICHOLE runs in again,
still screaming madly)
NICHOLE
MY
SEMBLABLE IS MY MIRROR!!!
(ALL begin to panic and freak out, shouting and
running about the stage in an imitation of NICHOLE; LIGHTS and SOUND go crazy;
One by one, they all exit and the LIGHTS and SOUND
fade, like a nightmare disappearing)
ACT I
The living room of MISS BLABLE’S home...It is bright
and cheery. There is a sofa, coffee
table, and a tea table with elegant chairs surrounding it.
MISS BLABLE enters from the kitchen. SHE is dressed nicely and walks
gracefully. SHE daintily sets tea and
cake on the table. SHE opens the
curtains, letting the beautiful sunshine pour in. SHE exits again, back to the kitchen.
After a moment, a chair comes
flying on stage, thrown by MISS BLABLE from the kitchen. It lands with a clatter.
SHE enters again, looking prim and well-mannered as
ever. SHE sets the chair upright near
the small table. SHE exits again.
SHE returns carrying a tall potted plant, which she
sets next to her couch. SHE adjusts it
for a moment before speaking.
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
lovely. So much cheerier! Decorating always raises my spirits. And heaven knows I need spirit-raising, with
this horrific weather and this disgusting tea and cake and these idiotic
chairs. I think, perhaps, I’ll buy some
more, to hang from the ceiling...the ceiling...the non-existent ceiling.
(Upon saying the words, “the ceiling...the
ceiling...the non-existent ceiling,” the LIGHTS flicker and change, on cue with
the rhythm of her speech; SHE takes no notice of this)
All
right, then!
(SHE scoops a bit of soil from the plant’s pot and
walks over to the table with it; SHE sprinkles the soil into her tea; SHE kicks
the chair over on its side, then takes both the tea and cake over near the
couch and sits on the floor with it;
SHE says a prayer)
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
Dear
Heavenly Father, thank you for all that you provide. Thank you for this food you have given
me. Bless it to my body. Keep me safe and in good health, Lord. And please, Lord...that evil witch next door
who left this beautiful plant outside to die...see that she gets her head
ripped off by that gorilla that escaped from the zoo. If it be your will, let it happen next
Tuesday, which is my birthday. But all
your time, Lord. All in your time! Amen.
(SHE finishes praying and takes a bite out of her
cake and then takes a bite out of one of the leaves of the plant;
There is a KNOCK at the door)
Oh,
it never fails! Just a minute!
(SHE spits out the leaf and hides it under her cake,
which she places back on the table; SHE picks up the chair that she kicked over
and straightens herself up; another KNOCK)
I’ll
be right there. I’m coming to the
door...the door...the existential door.
(LIGHTS flicker, as before, on cue with “...the
door...the door...the existential door...”
MISS BLABLE opens the front door; outside it stands
SHANNON SMITH, a representative of Salvation Army)
MISS BLABLE
(continued)
Yes? Can I help you?
Hello,
are you—
MISS BLABLE
Can
I help anybody?
Are
you Miss Blay-bull?
MISS BLABLE
Blah-bluh. Yes, that’s me.
Oh,
excuse me. I’m Shannon Smith, with
Salvation Army. We spoke on the phone
yesterday. I understand you have some
unique and rare items you’d be interested in donating, and perhaps a monetary
contribution?
MISS BLABLE
Oh
yes, that’s right! I’d nearly
forgotten. Yes, I have some very nice things
I’d like to give away.
Wonderful! May I come in?
MISS BLABLE
I’m
afraid not.
Oh. Is this a bad time?
MISS BLABLE
Would
you like to come in, dear? I’m sure you
must be exhausted, walking all this way.
Please come in – have a seat.
Oh,
thank you. Actually, I drove.
MISS BLABLE
Good. There’s nothing worse than a pedestrian who
can’t pronounce last names. Are you
sitting?
Oh,
thank you, yes.
(Sits on couch)
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
my house is a mess. Everything is a
mess. Just look at this mess! Please excuse the mess.
Oh,
don’t worry. It’s fine. It looks very nice.
MISS BLABLE
No,
no! Just let me tidy up a bit here. I will be right back. You just sit right there. Don’t move.
Stay.
(MISS BLABLE exits, taking her tea and cake with her
into the kitchen)
You
don’t have to clean up on my account.
MISS BLABLE
(Off)
I’ll
be right with you. Just sit tight.
(
Oh,
Miss Blable!
Miss Blable, there’s someone knocking at your
door. Would you like me to get that for
you?
MISS BLABLE
(Off)
Oh,
if that stupid door is squeaking again, just oil it.
No,
no – a knock!
MISS BLABLE
(Off)
No,
no – oil it!
(
HEATHER
Hi,
there! Just wanted to drop by and
introduce myself. I’m Heather Goodlin, your new next-door neighbor. And you must be Miss Blay-Bull.
It’s
Blah-bluh.
HEATHER
Oh,
sorry! The people next door told me it
way Blay-bull.
Well, the people on the other side, the other next door – not
this next door, of course. It’s a pleasure
to meet you, Miss Blah-bluh.
I’m
sorry, no.
HEATHER
(Ignoring her)
Oh,
you have such a lovely lawn! May I come
in?
I’m
sorry. I’m not her.
HEATHER
Pardon?
Miss
Blable...
HEATHER
I thought
I said Blah-bluh.
No,
it’s not that.
HEATHER
Oh,
it is Blay-bull, then?
No,
I’m mean I’m not.
HEATHER
(Confused)
You’re not pronouncing it Blay-bull?
No,
I’m not Miss Blable.
HEATHER
I
don’t understand.
I’m
not the one you’re looking for.
HEATHER
Is
this the wrong house?
No,
it’s the right house.
HEATHER
Then
why aren’t you Miss Blable?
This
is her house. I don’t live
here. I’m visiting. I just answered the door; she’s in the
kitchen right now. I’m with Salvation
Army. Shannon Smith. If you’d like to come in, though, I’m sure
she’ll be back here any minute.
HEATHER
Oh,
I see! Sorry about the confusion. Well, is she busy? She won’t mind?
This
should only take a few minutes, really.
I’m sure it’s all right.
(HEATHER comes in; they both sit down on the couch)
MISS BLABLE
(Off)
Did
you oil it?
I
answered your door, Miss Blable.
MISS BLABLE
(Off)
It
doesn’t talk, dear.
You
have a guest.
MISS BLABLE
(Off)
Just
don’t touch anything; I’ll oil it myself, for God’s sake.
HEATHER
You’re
sure this is a good time?
Yes,
I’m sure it’s fine. That was just some
miscommunication.
(MISS BLABLE enters, carrying an oil can; SHE stops
at the sight of HEATHER, confused)
MISS
BLABLE
There
are two of you, now?
You
have a guest. Sorry, I tried telling you
– There’s no need to oil the door.
MISS BLABLE
Of
course there isn’t. Why would I oil the
door?
(Oils the plant)
HEATHER
Miss
Blah-bluh?
MISS BLABLE
No. It’s pronounced Blay-bull,
Missy.
HEATHER
Oh,
I’m terribly sorry.
I
thought you said it was Blah-bluh.
MISS BLABLE
I
say a lot of things.
(To HEATHER)
And
you are?
HEATHER
I’m
Heather Goodlin, your new neighbor! I just moved in next door.
(MISS BLABLE’S attitude towards HEATHER instantly
turns cold)
MISS
BLABLE
Oh,
how nice. Yes, I’ve seen you. I suppose I’ll shake your hand.
(THEY shake hands)
Sit. What brings you here, Heathblerble?
HEATHER
Oh,
you know, just came to introduce myself...say hi...
MISS BLABLE
You
think I believe that?
(To
What
was your name again?
MISS BLABLE
Right,
right...Shannblable...Heathblerble...Got
it. She’s next door, and you were with
Salvation Blable, yes?
(Thrown for a moment)
I’m
sorry, what? Er
– yes, that’s right. Salvation
Army.
MISS BLABLE
Good. I’m glad we cleared that up. Now, go away.
HEATHER
Excuse
me?
What?
MISS BLABLE
Go
away! Shoo, shoo!
But
what about the donations you spoke of?
MISS BLABLE
What
donations? Donations...The Freudian
donations...
(LIGHTS flicker as SHE says this; SHANNON and
HEATHER are a bit startled by this)
I
thought you had donations you wanted to give to Salvation Army.
MISS BLABLE
(Cheerful)
Oh! Oh, silly me.
I’d forgotten. Yes, of
course. I’ll be right back.
HEATHER
Um,
Miss Blay-bull, is it all right if I wait here—?
MISS BLABLE
(Annoyed)
It’s
Blah-bluh.
HEATHER
But
I thought—
MISS BLABLE
I’ll
be right back.
(Exits)
HEATHER
So,
is it Blah-bluh or Blay-bull? I’m confused.
I
have no idea. She seems to talk in
circles. Well, I just hope this doesn’t
take too long.
HEATHER
Don’t
tell her I said this, but she seems a little...scatterbrained. Like there’s too much going on, all at once,
you know. Well...my, look at this
room! This is so bare. I could never live in such a room.
It
could use a few more decorations – like this plant.
HEATHER
Yes. Oh, you know, I had a plant like this, but
somehow it got lost in the move. Hm, this one looks...a lot like my plant.
(Stares at the plant for a moment)
Oh,
that’s silly. How could she have my
plant? Hahaha! Oh my...
What?
HEATHER
It
looks like someone bit part off part of this leaf.
Does
she have a dog?
(MISS BLABLE enters, still with no donations)
MISS
BLABLE
I’d
appreciate you not snooping about my things, Heathblerble.
HEATHER
Oh,
I was just admiring your plant.
MISS BLABLE
(Vaguely menacing)
Yes,
isn’t it nice?
HEATHER
Where
did you buy it? It’s lovely. I used to have one just like it.
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
what a coincidence! It’s yours,
actually. I found it, just sitting out
there, yesterday, in your car.
HEATHER
(Uncomfortable pause)
Oh! You’re joking. You got me there, that’s
a good one! Haha,
you had me going for a second.
MISS BLABLE
How
dare you leave a poor defenseless plant alone to die, like that!
(Changing subjects)
Miss
Blable, I thought you said you were going to get the
donations.
MISS BLABLE
For what?
For
Salvation Army!
MISS BLABLE
Of
course, for Salvation Army! I know that!
Then,
where are they?
MISS BLABLE
What
are you talking about?
HEATHER
Well,
go ahead – keep the plant! We’re
neighbors. We’ll share things,
right? By the way, I’m so sorry, but I’m
still confused – this is so embarrassing – Is it Blah-bluh
or Blay-bull?
MISS BLABLE
Well,
what do you think?
HEATHER
Well,
I don’t know.
MISS BLABLE
Well,
that’s something we’ll have to remedy, isn’t it?
HEATHER
Couldn’t
you maybe just tell me right now?
(Over MISS BLABLE’S next speech, the LIGHTS and
SOUND do increasingly odd things, disturbing SHANNON and HEATHER)
MISS
BLABLE
Of
course I couldn’t! Where’s the fun in
that? Where’s the fun in
(The scene suddenly freezes...
NICHOLE enters and speaks to the audience, no longer
hysterical and horrified, but once again, the scholarly tutor – though a bit
more enthusiastic than before)
NICHOLE
Name. Le nom. To name or to call. Appeler. My name is Nichole. Je m’appelle
Nichole. What is your name? Comment
vous appelez-vous?
(With a gesture from NICHOLE, MISS BLABLE unfreezes
from her position in the scene and walks downstage next to her)
MISS
BLABLE
Semblable!
NICHOLE
Similar. Les noms semblables.
Similar names...
MISS BLABLE
Heathblerble...Shannblable...
NICHOLE
Heather...
MISS BLABLE
No, je m’appelle
Miss Blable. Miss!
NICHOLE
It
has begun, and soon they shan’t even notice the difference.
MISS BLABLE
Who
won’t notice what, now?
NICHOLE
Les Noms-Nouveaus!
MISS BLABLE
(Confused)
Is
this symbolism?
NICHOLE
All
names are similar when the meaning is discovered and uncovered.
MISS BLABLE
(Looking around)
Why
is everyone frozen in place?
NICHOLE
Chapter
One: Names.
MISS BLABLE
I
won’t let you change my name!
(NICHOLE snaps her fingers and exits – the scene
resumes)
Uh,
Miss Blay-bull...
MISS BLABLE
Je m’appelle Mademoiselle Blah-bluh!
Yes,
whatever, fine. The donations...?
MISS BLABLE
I
said I have donations!
(A KNOCK at the door)
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
I
don’t want to answer the door.
(SHE knocks over the table in frustration;
SHE answers the door; enter JILL, a girl of about 18
years of age)
JILL
Hello. I’m terribly sorry to bother you, but I’m—
MISS BLABLE
You
aren’t bothering me. Don’t say that.
(To HEATHER and SHANNON, angry)
You
see that? See what you did?
(To JILL)
You
are not bothering me, dear. Don’t listen
to what they say. You come right
in. Have a seat.
(Ushers JILL inside)
Please. Sit right down.
JILL
Oh
no, I just—
MISS BLABLE
You
sit right down.
JILL
There’s
someone sitting there.
MISS BLABLE
Shannblable, move!!
(
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
Now,
you see? You can sit down. You aren’t bothering us at all. What’s your name?
JILL
Hi. My name is Jill. You don’t know me, but I—
MISS BLABLE
(To the others)
This
is Jillblable.
JILL
I’m
lost, kind of. I need to get to
MISS BLABLE
Yes,
of course, after you sit down.
JILL
But
I’m in a bit of a hurry, you see—
MISS BLABLE
I said sit down, bitch!!
(JILL sits down, taken aback)
MISS
BLABLE
That’s
better. Now, Jillblable...
JILL
No,
Jill
MISS BLABLE
Jillblable Hoover! What
an awful name. You poor thing!
JILL
Excuse
me?
(Mutters)
Pay
no attention.
MISS BLABLE
May
I introduce Shannblable and Heathblerble?
Shannon Smith of Salvation Army.
HEATHER
Heather
Goodlin. I
live next door.
JILL
Hello.
Hello.
HEATHER
Hi!
(Awkward pause)
MISS
BLABLE
Well,
aren’t you going to tell us what’s wrong?
JILL
Well,
you see, I can’t seem to find
MISS BLABLE
Oh
my goodness! You’re lost?
JILL
No,
not “lost” lost – I just need to know the best way—
MISS BLABLE
You
poor dear! I’ll telephone an ambulance
right away.
JILL
Oh
no, I don’t need anything like that.
MISS BLABLE
Nonsense! I’ll go call right this minute.
JILL
I
don’t need an ambulance.
MISS BLABLE
Fine,
you ungrateful slut! Be that way!
(Pleasant as pie)
Would
anyone like some tea and cake?
HEATHER
I
would love some.
MISS BLABLE
Well,
I don’t have any. All I have is this
cracker.
(Pulls a cracker out of her pocket and sticks it in
HEATHER’S face)
Is
that good enough for you, Miss I-Abandon-Poor-Innocent-Plant-life?
HEATHER
I’m
fine. I think I’ll pass.
(MISS BLABLE slaps HEATHER across the face; HEATHER
gasps in shock; MISS BLABLE then offers the cracker to JILL)
MISS
BLABLE
Here,
Jill. I’m sure you’re not too high and
mighty for my cracker. My cracker...My
effervescent cracker...
(LIGHTS flicker, as before; JILL is frightened)
JILL
Uhuh...uh...um...
MISS BLABLE
Well?
(JILL takes the cracker and sets it on the coffee
table in front of her)
JILL
Yes,
thank you. But I’ll save it for later.
MISS BLABLE
(A bit surprised)
Oh. All right.
(A long, uncomfortable pause as MISS BLABLE
impatiently waits for “later”)
Miss
Blable, could you please get those donations, now?
MISS BLABLE
(Incredulous)
No!
Look,
I’m running late. I do have other
appointments.
MISS BLABLE
Why?
For donations...
MISS BLABLE
Who
are you, again?
(Snapping)
Forget
it! You are wasting my time. I am going.
You know, this isn’t funny.
Playing jokes like this, wasting my time! You think it’s a joke? Those poor families and ones in need that we
work so hard to help...! That’s a joke,
to you? Well, you, lady, are sick. You should be ashamed of yourself.
MISS BLABLE
(Contrite)
I’m
sorry. You’re right. I should be ashamed of myself.
(Bitter and nasty)
But
I’m not because I do have donations!
And just to prove you wrong and insult you the way you’ve insulted me,
I’m going to go get them right this instant!
So there!
Well,
you’d better be serious this time. I’ve
had enough.
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
I’m serious, all right!
HEATHER
Please,
let’s not argue—
MISS BLABLE
(Referring to HEATHER)
I’m
as serious as she is boorish and retarded.
You wait here and see.
(Exits)
HEATHER
Well! I never!
JILL
What’s
going on? All I wanted was some
directions. What’s wrong with that?
I
hate this kind of crap. I just want to
get the donations and go.
JILL
Maybe
I should ask someone else.
HEATHER
You
two are lucky. I’m going to have to live
next to her, so I have to stay here and get acquainted and try to put things
back on the right foot. I just hate
neighborhood politics. I’m in such a
foul mood after such an exhausting move, and the kids
just screaming like a couple of turd-covered
piglets...And then, of course, there’s Charlie, and his old baseball trophies
all over the dam SUV! I mean, really!
Okay...
(MISS BLABLE enters, triumphantly. SHE is carrying the following: a large stick,
some oily rags, and a plastic bag filled with shards of broken glass)
MISS
BLABLE
Ha! I told you!
You
have them?
MISS BLABLE
Right
here, Shannblable.
Let
me apologize for what I said, Miss Blable. I am so very sorry. Thank you so much for your...
(
MISS
BLABLE
Apology
accepted. I would have gotten them
eventually, no fuss. It’s just that I
have company, and I wanted to be a good hostess. You know how it is. Can’t please everyone. Get donations. Plants from neighbor. Sentence fragments again wanting. All right, let’s see...There’s this.
(SHE hands the large stick
to
What’s
this?
MISS BLABLE
(Condescending)
It’s
called a stick, dear.
Well,
I realize that, but what is it for?
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
it’s just an old stick I found in the backyard.
There’s actually a rather fascinating story behind it. It was a crisp autumn evening – the kind you
only ever hear about in floating bits of conversation at the Taco Hut – the sky
was green and the grass was blue, and I was suffering from the anguish of
existential ennui. That’s when I heard a
rapping at the door – the kind you make when you’re stalking your high-school
Geometry teacher. So, naturally, I threw
a brick at the window. But at the very
moment the brick touched the pane, the whole window just shattered. So, I ran outside to see what young hooligan
had the nerve to break my window. And
that’s when I saw it: the stick. O
stick! My stick! Brown, wooden and rough! And God saw it was good, and He blessed it,
and GET
OUT!!!!!
(MISS BLABLE points at the door, glaring at
JILL
You
want us to leave?
MISS BLABLE
What? Leave?
You just got here. Anyway, you
can keep the stick, Shannblable. I’m sure someone out there would love
it. All right. And there’s these...
(Hands over the oily rags)
I’m
going to miss these old rags. They bring
back so many fond memories. I’m getting
all misty-eyed just thinking about it.
So many memories: under the sink...under the car...under Raoul...oh...
(Offers a rag to JILL)
Would
you like one, Jillblable?
JILL
I’ll
take a raincheck.
(MISS BLABLE looks upwards – either for rain or for
something else – it’s unclear; SHE then picks up the cracker from the coffee
table and sticks it near JILL’S face)
MISS
BLABLE
It’s
later, now.
JILL
Oh...I...
MISS BLABLE
I
thought you said you’d eat it.
JILL
Look,
could you please just tell me where
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
but you have to eat, dear. You’ve been
outside, wandering around lost, for so long.
You must eat something. But I
won’t force you, my sweet. You eat
whenever you feel you have the strength.
Then, before you know, it you’ll be back on your feet, screwing anything
and everything that has a penis, just like the ungrateful slut you are.
(SHE then presents the bag of broken glass to
And
this is my final donation. Treat it
well. And no need to thank me; there’s
plenty more where that came from.
Okay. What the hell is this?
MISS BLABLE
Don’t
be silly. Surely you’ve seen a bag of
broken glass before.
I
know what it is!
MISS BLABLE
Then
what was the point of your question?
Why
are you giving it to me?!
MISS BLABLE
To
stick up your ungrateful ass!!
(Scene freezes...
NICHOLE enters, dragging the DEAD BODY of a man
behind her)
NICHOLE
(Profound)
Death. La mort. He is dead.
Il est mort.
(SHE stares at us for a moment, profoundly, then
exits, dragging the BODY with her, without another word;
Scene resumes)
This
is unbelievable. Simply
unbelievable! I should have known
better. This kind of crap happens all
the time, I’m so sick of it! I really
don’t know what it is, with people like you.
You’re sick and twisted, lady.
MISS BLABLE
What?! I take the trouble of digging up some of my
most prized possessions – ones that some people would kill for – and you have
the gall to do nothing but insult me, and act like a complete bitch? The bitch!
The complimentary bitch!
(LIGHTS flicker)
Why
does that keep happening? It’s pissing
me off.
(There is a KNOCK at the door)
MISS
BLABLE
Why
does that keep happening? It’s
pissing me off!
(SHE waits; another knock)
Maybe
they’ll go away.
(Another knock)
Who
are you?
(Another)
Tell
me who you are.
(Another)
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
Tell
me who you are.
(Another)
Tell
me who—
HEATHER
Will
you answer the door?!
(MISS BLABLE glares at HEATHER, murderously; another
KNOCK)
MISS
BLABLE
(Chipper)
Coming!
(SHE opens the door; outside stands ERIC DAVIS, a
college student, about 20, dressed casually, carrying a clipboard and a pen...
MISS BLABLE takes one glance-over of ERIC and reacts
by screaming out the following...)
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
Who
the fucked up hell are you?!
ERIC
(Ignoring her outburst)
Hi. I’m taking a survey—
MISS BLABLE
What
the fuck?!
ERIC
And
if you have a moment, maybe you’d be interested in taking it.
MISS BLABLE
If
I had a moment, I’d wonder: just what the hell is this shit? Maybe you’d be interested in tearing
out my heart and doing the Mexican Hat Dance around it in the street?
ERIC
Could
I get your name, please?
MISS BLABLE
I’m
not giving you a damn thing. It’s spelled B-L-A-B-L-E.
How do you think it’s pronounced?
ERIC
Blah-bluh?
MISS BLABLE
(Changing her attitude completely)
Get
your sweet ass in here! What’s your
name, dear?
ERIC
(Writing on his clipboard)
My
name is Eric Davis. I’m from—
MISS BLABLE
Oh
my! What a lovely, lovely name – Ericble. Oh, and
just look at you, Mr. Handsome! Why
don’t you come in?
ERIC
Sure.
(MISS BLABLE grabs him by the shirt and yanks him
inside)
MISS
BLABLE
Oh
no, you don’t! I don’t take no for an
answer, dear. You can’t get away from
me, Cutie-pie. Come over and sit right
here. Heathblerble,
scoot over, could you?
HEATHER
Huh?
MISS BLABLE
Move.
(MISS BLABLE violently throws HEATHER off the couch
onto the floor; SHE forces ERIC to sit in her spot)
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
(Flirtatious)
Now,
Ericble, Ericble, Ericble...Where have you come from
to pay us this lovely little visit? Across town? Across the ocean? The party in my pants?
ERIC
No,
I’m a student from the university.
JILL
The
university – that’s where I’m trying to get to.
MISS BLABLE
Oh
my goodness! Ericble,
are you lost too?
ERIC
No.
MISS BLABLE
Oh
my God, you are!
ERIC
No,
I’m not. Anyway, this survey deals with
certain things regarding whether or not—
MISS BLABLE
Weather? What about the
weather? I like it just fine. It’s nice and sunny. Bitch, bitch, bitch...that’s all you kids
ever do, these days.
ERIC
No,
not the weather, it’s on whether or not—
MISS BLABLE
Yes,
they should.
ERIC
May
I please finish?
MISS BLABLE
Only
if you’re as horny as I am!
ERIC
Uh...
MISS BLABLE
(Suggestively)
We’ve
got fifty.
ERIC
Okay,
well I’ll be going, then...
MISS BLABLE
Don’t
talk nonsense, dear. You’re lost. I’ll call an ambulance for you, as well.
ERIC
What?
JILL
Hey! But my ambulance isn’t even here yet.
(Annoyed)
You
don’t need one.
JILL
No,
but she promised me one.
ERIC
What’s
all this about an ambulance?
HEATHER
(Still on the floor)
We’ll
all need one, at this rate.
MISS BLABLE
Not
you again...
HEATHER
(Upset)
Was
hurtling me to the floor really necessary?
What...what kind of neighbor are you?
What kind of person are you?
I tried! I tried being
polite. I don’t ever remember being rude
to you, in the least. I don’t understand
why you’re treating me this way. I even
said that you could keep my plant, which you stole! Have I been rude? Have I?!
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
eat shit and die.
ERIC
Miss
Blable, maybe I should take my survey elsewhere.
MISS BLABLE
Shh...don’t talk. Save your
strength, you poor, poor thing. Oh, you
poor widdle guy, being lost and alone, out in the
freezing cold.
ERIC
It’s
blazing hot outside.
MISS BLABLE
Well,
of course it is, in the middle of the desert.
The desert...The
(LIGHTS flicker; ERIC notices them)
ERIC
What
the...? This isn’t the desert.
MISS BLABLE
It
is now. Now, I’ll go get that orange
juice you wanted. Those commercials,
with the talking sandwich...if I ever found something like that in my home, I
don’t know what I’d do. Eat it,
probably. Sandwiches should not be so
much talkative as consumed. Anyway, I’ll
be right back. Do you want some orange
juice, too, Jillblable?
JILL
No
one ever said anything about wanting some orange juice.
MISS BLABLE
Two
glasses, coming right up!
(Exits)
ERIC
What
the hell? I’m just taking a survey. It’s not like I’m selling something. Why is everyone so hostile? Screw this!
I’m out of here.
(HE stands to leave, but
It
hasn’t been any picnic for us, either, you know.
HEATHER
You
can wait it out and suffer with the rest of us.
JILL
(To
You
can leave, can’t you? You’ve gotten the
donations.
Oh,
no. I am not leaving until she gives me
something of value, even if I have to steal it.
She’s wasted my time, and people do not waste my time.
JILL
Okay...
(To ERIC)
So
what’s this survey about?
ERIC
It’s
for my psych course. It’s to gather
opinions on whether or not people diagnosed with schizophrenia should be
allowed to live freely, under supervision.
MISS BLABLE
(Off)
Stop
that! Down, kitty! Get off of there! Look, kitty, don’t give me shit today, I’m
sick of it! I’m sick of you!
JILL
That
sounds interesting.
HEATHER
What
sort of questions does it ask?
ERIC
Oh,
stuff like, “Have you ever felt threatened, in public, by a person who was schizophrenic?”
(MISS BLABLE suddenly enters, covered with cat fur
and holding a mixer in her hand, breathing hard like SHE’S been doing some
strenuous activity)
MISS
BLABLE
(Intense)
Do
you want one or two?
JILL
What
do you mean?
MISS BLABLE
One or two?
ERIC & JILL
Two.
MISS BLABLE
God
damn it...
(Exits, annoyed)
JILL
Wait,
she did mean two glasses, right?
HEATHER
What
else is on that survey? I’m curious,
now.
(MISS BLABLE enters
again)
MISS BLABLE
Okay,
crap! We’re all out of lemon peels, so
I’m going to have to find some liver, instead.
It’ll take me a bit to find some.
I just need to look around the place.
Sit tight, for now! And don’t anyone touch anything in my goddamn living room!
(SHE exits)
HEATHER
What? Lemon peels?
Liver?
God, people these days! With your
health food and your pride parades and your hippedy
hop! I just want to live in a normal
place with normal neighbors. Is that
asking so much?
I
don’t even talk to my neighbors, and this is why.
MISS BLABLE
(Off)
Lucifer,
you stupid cat! Get out of the gelatin
mold! Because it’s lime, that’s
why. Don’t pretend you don’t know what
I’m talking about. You know perfectly
well that lime is what saves starving nations, like that Sally Struthers woman,
and cocaine. Leave it alone!
(There is a ruckus, off stage, and then some loud,
low BARKING)
ERIC
That’s
a rather large cat.
You
don’t think...maybe she escaped from the mental hospital?
JILL
Oh
my God!
(MISS BLABLE enters, carrying two EMPTY GLASSES,
which she sets down on the coffee table)
MISS
BLABLE
Here
you go.
JILL
Where’s
the O.J.?
MISS BLABLE
Didn’t
you watch the trials?
Did
you really expect actual orange juice?
ERIC
I
expected something, after all that racket.
HEATHER
Oh,
who knows what she’s doing, in there!
She’s obviously schizoid-frantic, or whatever-it’s-called.
MISS BLABLE
And
just what is that supposed to mean, Ms. Heathblerble Goodlin?
HEATHER
She
steals, she hits people and throws them around, she
makes imaginary orange juice...What kind of neighborhood is this, to let
someone like her live in it? I don’t
want my children growing up around a dangerous, crazy person. Not to mention, you haven’t even offered us
one whit of hospitality!
MISS BLABLE
Hospitality? You want a
hospital, missy? Wait here, I’ll get my
shotgun.
HEATHER
She’s
threatening to get a shotgun! That’s it
– she should not be allowed to live around normal people.
MISS BLABLE
(Agreeing, referring to herself)
Yeah,
she’s crazy!
HEATHER
I
am going to the community about this.
We’re going to get you out of here.
Because if you won’t move away, I will!
MISS BLABLE
Fine! Get out of my house!
HEATHER
With
pleasure!
(Before HEATHER can even turn, MISS BLABLE dashes
past her to the front door; MISS BLABLE takes out a large skeleton key and
locks the front door from the inside)
What
are you doing?
MISS BLABLE
I’ve
locked the door.
HEATHER
Well,
I’m leaving. Get out of my way.
MISS BLABLE
No! No one is leaving this house. We’re all staying right where we are. So, sit down, Heathblerble!
HEATHER
But
you just told me you wanted me to get out.
MISS BLABLE
Well,
I lied. And now, I think I’ll lie down.
(And with a swift, sudden movement, SHE tips over
and crashes to the floor; SHE immediately falls asleep, as the OTHERS stare at
her;
The scene freezes...
NICHOLE enters; SHE looks around at the frozen
scene, giddy with delight; SHE comes forward and addresses the audience)
NICHOLE
Well,
it appears our gang is in a bit of a fix, yes?
Now, now...I know what you’re all thinking – “Who on earth is this silly
old bitch that keeps interrupting things?”
Well, very soon, we shall see just how I fit into all of this. And you will see how it all ties together, in
the end. Hopefully. First, however, I feel it my duty as a
teacher to give some clarity to the situation.
You may wonder just what is going on in this ridiculous play. The answer is simple: Miss Blable is an Absurdist.
And I am a devout follower of Theatre of the Absurd, just as I am a
skilled linguist and teacher of French, the most absurd language ever invented. So now, in an annoyingly pretentious and
condescending device, I shall explain to the audience what Theatre of the
Absurd is. Now, this shouldn’t be very
difficult. It is precisely what it
sounds like. The world does not make
sense. Characters behave in bizarre and
unrealistic, often contradictory, ways. Everything
is topsy-turvy. Therefore, one must draw
one’s own conclusions. At the moment, it
would appear that Shannon, Heather, Jill and Eric are not adjusting to it very
well. They haven’t fully grasped the
situation yet, and it’s frustrating the living piss out of them. They are trying to rationalize everything,
and it won’t work. Schizophrenia? Hardly!
Now, what does this have to do with anything whatsoever, you ask? Well, who cares? Miss Blable is an
Absurdist, so nothing needs to make any sense.
Right?
(Angrily)
Wrong! Everything in meaninglessness has
meaning! Miss Blable
has meaning. The chalkboard has
meaning. This stage has meaning. My foot has meaning. Even meaning itself has meaning. But before we drown in all the disgusting
amount of meaning, I shall offer a tiny sliver of salvation. I doubt it will help, but here it is: Try not
to think of this situation so much as a day in the life of several ordinary and
realistic people coming into contact with the Absurd world, but rather a day in
the Absurd Life of Miss Blable coming into
bewildering conflict with the “normal” world – a world which makes no sense to
her. I don’t really know what exact
purpose this will serve, but it may help you keep your patience and possibly
your sanity. I’ve already lost
mine. But that’s a different story. Well actually, it’s not. You’ll see what I mean when...Well, just
don’t worry about it – It will all make sense in the end. I promise.
(Annoyed with herself)
What
the hell is my problem?
(SHE exits;
The scene resumes
MISS BLABLE is snoring loudly on the floor)
HEATHER
Miss
Blable! Miss Blable!
JILL
We’re
trapped here.
This
is ridiculous. I need to go. I’ve got things to do. I’m already running late.
HEATHER
Miss
Blable, wake up this instant!
You
know...Maybe if you hadn’t yelled at her...She may be crazy, but she has a
right to live, too. You got her
upset. We wouldn’t be in this mess if
you hadn’t.
HEATHER
You
think this is my fault? I’m the one
suffering the most here, I’m quite sure.
You don’t have to live next to a crazy person who hits you and steals
from you. And it’s not my fault you
insulted her donations.
Oh
yes, it was the donations. That’s what
caused it, huh? Well, if you’ve got it
all figured out, why don’t you figure out how to get the door open?
HEATHER
Why
don’t you figure it out?
Why
don’t you stop stalking out of your ass?
HEATHER
Why
don’t you bite my ass?!
Bitch!
(SHANNON and HEATHER get into a catfight)
JILL
What
are you doing? Stop it! Stop it!
ERIC
Just
take the key.
I
cannot stand you soccer-moms with your damn SUVs! There are people starving, out there!
ERIC
Just
take the key.
HEATHER
They
aren’t starving for SUVs, you bleeding heart hippy!
JILL
Stop
fighting!
ERIC
Just
take the key.
You’re
a hypocritical, fake, conformist—
HEATHER
I
ought to shove a boot straight up your—
ERIC
TAKE
THE GODDAMN KEY!!!
(HEATHER and SHANNON stop fighting)
JILL
What
is wrong with you two?
ERIC
She’s
asleep, people. Just take the key. Dumbasses.
JILL
She
looks like she’s still sleeping. But how
can we know for sure?
ERIC
I
don’t think it’s important that she really is sleeping, just that she thinks
she is. Just reach down quietly. We’ll unlock the door and leave it on the
coffee table and all go our separate ways.
Okay?
(
MISS
BLABLE
Thief! Thief!
Salvation Army thief!
(LIGHTS flicker angrily)
HEATHER
Get
it from her!
(HEATHER lunges for MISS BLABLE, who rises with
great agility and uses SHANNON as a shield to block HEATHER; Both SHANNON and
HEATHER go crashing to the floor;
MISS BLABLE kicks HEATHER while she’s down, then
hurls herself up onto the couch, reaches down to scoop some soil from the
potted plant, and tosses the soil about at everyone, all while shouting the
following...)
MISS
BLABLE
No! Parry!
Down, down!
(Intense, deadly)
Give
us this day our daily key? I think
not. I had such a wonderful nap. I’m in such a splendid mood. I should kill you all. Thought you could take it, didn’t you? Thought you could pull the wool over my eyes,
huh? Well, I hate all of you nice
people! This is my key. Get your own.
Look,
we just wanted it to leave your house.
To unlock the door, that’s all!
JILL
Yes. Please, let us out.
MISS BLABLE
Oh
no! You’re all staying right here until
you meet “Them”. I’ll take care of this.
(SHE dashes off, exiting to the kitchen, before
anyone can stop her;
While ERIC is helping
JILL
What
was that noise?
(MISS BLABLE enters, freshly)
MISS
BLABLE
Well! That certainly takes care of that.
JILL
What? What did you do?
MISS BLABLE
I
put the key down the garbage disposal.
OTHERS
What?
MISS BLABLE
Down
the garbage disposal!
ERIC
You...you
mean...
MISS BLABLE
(Musically)
All
gone!
JILL
(Pause)
But...out...I
want out...
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
no, no, no! You are staying right here
until your ambulance arrives.
JILL
But
you never called an ambulance.
MISS BLABLE
Well,
you’re not leaving then, are you?
JILL
(Starting to cry)
I
want out. Why won’t you let us out?
MISS BLABLE
I
told you – not until you meet “Them”.
ERIC
“Them?” Who’s “Them?”
MISS BLABLE
Wouldn’t
you like to know?
ERIC
Yes. I would.
MISS BLABLE
Well,
too bad! It’s a surprise. And we mustn’t spoil the surprise. Because then it wouldn’t be a surprise, would
it? No, it’d be a pile of pointless
shit, that’s what it would be.
JILL
I
don’t care about surprises. I need to go
to the university and take classes and go to parties and...Oh God, I want to
live! Please let us out!
MISS BLABLE
Never!
(Scene freezes...
NICHOLE enters; MISS BLABLE steps forward to meet
her)
NICHOLE
Never. Jamais.
MISS BLABLE
Jamais. French for “never”.
NICHOLE
I
will never die again.
MISS BLABLE
Je ne mourirai
jamais encore.
NICHOLE
Now,
I believe we are currently nearing the moment when I enter our little story—
MISS BLABLE
My
story!
NICHOLE
Yes,
I enter our story. You see, I
know Miss Blable quite well. It was she who introduced me to the world of
the Absurd. In fact, I don’t remember
much before that. In fact, I don’t
remember much before that. In fact, I
don’t remember much before that.
(Glances back at the frozen characters)
It
appears our characters have nearly reached their breaking points. Now, to set them over the edge and send them
hurtling into utter madness and chaos!
MISS BLABLE
Wait
– do what?
(NICHOLE exits without answering; MISS BLABLE shrugs
and chats with the audience for a moment)
Oh
well. I have no idea what’s going on,
anyway. These people make no sense. And the writer won’t listen to me. He’s an asshole. But I do want to apologize for the long
monologue earlier, and for all the French.
The writer feels it needs to be in here – God knows why. I just wanted everyone to know all about me,
and my story – which will unfold, eventually.
I hope so, at least. But how
should I know? I’m just a fictional
character, right? Yeah, well, so are all
of you! Just leave me alone! I hate you all!
(Scene resumes as SHE is in mid-yell)
So
go to hell!
JILL
Please
don’t kill us. At least, not me...I’ve
never done anything to you.
MISS BLABLE
Oh
yes, you did – you got your stupid ass lost again! What did I tell you, last time?
JILL
(Hysterical, terrified)
Last time? There never
was a last time! I swear! I swear, you’ve got
the wrong girl! It wasn’t me!
Let’s
just stay calm here, people.
HEATHER
But
who knows what she’s going to do to us?
JILL
Oh
God, someone help us!!
ERIC
No,
she’s right – we have nothing to be afraid of.
There are four of us, and only one of her.
(A VOICE chimes in from off stage)
VOICE
But
there’s plenty of me!
ERIC
Who
said that?
(Grand, heavenly MUSIC plays
out of nowhere; Intense LIGHT bathes the stage...
A window is opened from the outside; climbing
through it is NICHOLE, who is now dressed in a stylized wig, gaudy clothing,
lipstick smears on her face, and carrying a ridiculously oversized purse...
SHE looks as if she had just climbed straight from
the depths of Absurdist Hell)
NICHOLE
We
have arrived.
JILL
Oh my
God, it’s a burglar...or something!
ERIC
Who...?
(As NICHOLE continues speaking, she darts her face
about jaggedly, lizard-like; her British accent has nearly doubled in force and
sounds caricature-like and false)
NICHOLE
Ah,
yes indeed! ‘Tis
a pretty little hovel, just as we remembered it! Never again and never before, did Never and
Neville go finding a whore.
Silence! We are here now. We do wish to apologize for being fashionably
tardy, but we won’t because we’re malicious and better than everyone else. Besides, we got ourselves stranded in a
maelstrom of broccoli forests. You know
how it is – ridiculous plane of existence!
But the real problem was in my name, and in the sex, and in my
name. Now, now, now...How are things
going on this side of oblivion?
Swimmingly, I should hope!
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
everything’s going just as planned.
Except for the abundance of people getting lost, lately...
ERIC & JILL
We’re
not lost.
MISS BLABLE
And
the amnesia, as well...
NICHOLE
Oh dearie dear! Dearie, my dear!
Feet sucking buttermilk, all over!
Lost with amnesia, you seem to say?
Well, what a horrible, tragical, hideously
magical, crustily indigenous, the Sisters-of-Stygia-ness,
parliamentary-obstinate, look-out-for-Bob-stinate,
congratulatory, we’ll-all-tell-a-story, let’s-listen-to-Tori,
my-face-is-a—
ERIC
Stop
that! That’s annoying as hell!
NICHOLE
How
dare you? You impudent toad!! Henceforth, you shall be quiet!
(SHE sharply turns and looks at the air in some
opposite direction, then grabs a tube of lipstick from her gargantuan purse;
SHE violently smears lipstick all over her lips, then
hurls the lipstick violently to the floor)
MISS
BLABLE
Oh,
now calm down, Nicholble. They’re actually nice people, once you get to
know them. Except for
that one – Heathblerble. Just forget she even exists. It helps.
But – shall I make the introductions that actually matter? This is Shannblable
Smith, who’s too hasty for her own good.
And this is Jillblable Hoover, who’s dumb as a
rock, I’m afraid. And of course Ericble Davis, with whom you’ve had a little tiff! But don’t let it get to you – he’s such a
kind, handsome young thing – he’s just disagreeable sometimes because he’s in
college and complains about everything since the whole world revolves around
him. Separately, they’re all more or
less a waste of space, but together they’re such lovely company. Don’t you agree?
NICHOLE
(Through a spasm)
Noooo, I detest every living being!
(Has a quick but dramatic fit, after which SHE seems
to completely switch into a different personality; SHE becomes a rather passive
and cool Southern Belle)
Oh,
I love them all. All God’s
creatures! I love all things, thank you
kindly.
(Another fit; switches to British again)
No,
we want these disgusting things out of our sight at once!
(Southern Belle again)
Oh,
now where are your manners? They’re such
lovely little guests.
(SHE continues arguing with herself in this fashion,
becoming more and more passionate)
JILL
Wh...what?! Who!? What’s going on?! I want out!
Auuughhh, oh God, oh God, let us out!
(JILL panics and runs to the front door, desperately
attempting to force it open, with no luck; SHE collapses against it and
whimpers hysterically)
MISS BLABLE
Now,
you see that, Nicholble? First amnesia, and now they’re going
hysterical!
(MISS BLABLE suddenly starts cackling loudly,
frightening JILL even more; NICHOLE joins her; they both stop just as suddenly)
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
Honestly,
I don’t know what’s wrong with them.
ERIC
Excuse
me – Who is this person?
NICHOLE
Did
not I say to seal your mouth shut?
MISS BLABLE
Everyone,
this is my landlady, Nicholble Ionesco. I know she may seem a little violent and
peculiar, but that’s merely because she’s not right in the head.
NICHOLE
Indeed. I’m a bloody lunatic.
MISS BLABLE
Anyway,
what brings you here today?
NICHOLE
Well,
Miss Blable, if you don’t mind, I’d like to have a
word with you. Come closer, my dear, so
we may speak in private. No, closer yet. What
are you doing? Get the hell away from
me. Where are you going? I said come here! Closer!
Good. Now...
(Takes a large pair of spectacles from her purse and
puts them on; SHE pulls out a ridiculously long list; she studies it briefly,
nods to herself, then screams the following at the top of her lungs)
YOUR
BLOODY RENT IS BLOODY OVERDUE, YOU BLOODY BITCH!!!
(This unexpected outburst causes MISS BLABLE to let
out a startled shriek, which in turn causes JILL to scream in terror;
JILL’S scream instantaneously infuriates NICHOLE,
who screams back in anger, which causes JILL to scream again...
Soon, all three of them are screaming: NICHOLE in
anger, JILL in terror, and MISS BLABLE because screaming is fun)
NICHOLE
(continued)
Enough!
(Screaming stops)
As
I was saying, your payment is due, in full, immediately.
MISS BLABLE
Yes,
of course. How much?
NICHOLE
(Consulting her list)
Forty...
MISS BLABLE
Only forty?
NICHOLE
...thousand. Forty
thousand dollars!
How
can she possibly owe so much?
NICHOLE
I
have slept for an age. Now, I return.
HEATHER
(Relieved)
So...so,
there’s no way she can pay such a huge amount, right? She’ll have to be evicted!
MISS BLABLE
Let
me just get my purse. I’ll be right
back.
(Exits)
HEATHER
Purse...?
Her purse? She can’t
possibly...what, in her purse? She
doesn’t even have...she gives a stick...I mean...God! GOD!!
NICHOLE
Shall
we play a rather amusing game?
ERIC
What
game?
(NICHOLE flies into a frenzy and begins running
about the room, trashing the place; OTHERS rush about the room, shouting,
screaming, and staying out of her path – the last of which they are only
successful of half the time...
NICHOLE stops the “game” just in time for MISS
BLABLE to enter again; SHE stands quietly, as if nothing had happened;
MISS BLABLE pulls out a random assortment form her
purse of plastic “gold coins”, chocolates, and condoms – SHE hands all of this
to NICHOLE)
MISS
BLABLE
Here
you are. Forty
thousand. Now, don’t spend it all
in one place.
NICHOLE
(As LIGHTS flicker)
One place?
MISS BLABLE
One place.
BOTH
One
multi-lingual place...
NICHOLE
Poppycock! You cannot tell me how to spend my own
money. I have several things I need to
purchase, anyhow.
(Consults list)
Yes,
I need a new fur coat, some Yetis, a giant statue of a pile of feces, and half
a dog.
MISS BLABLE
(Looks around the room)
Who
made this mess?
NICHOLE
I
saw them do it!
MISS BLABLE
I
am not cleaning this up.
NICHOLE
Nor
shall I!
HEATHER
We
didn’t do this! She did!
NICHOLE
She’s
lying – it wasn’t them, it was me!
MISS BLABLE
You? Nicholble,
you clean this up, at once!
NICHOLE
No!
MISS BLABLE
Yes!
NICHOLE
Never!
MISS BLABLE
Clean
it up!
(NICHOLE points her finger at MISS BLABLE, in a
challenge)
NICHOLE
Gunga!
(Pause; MISS BLABLE is taken aback, but she accepts
the challenge)
ERIC
What?
MISS BLABLE
Semblable!
(A sense of dread)
Oh
no...
(The next sequence of lines happens one on top of
another, everything going on all at once:
MISS BLABLE and NICHOLE engage in a heated duel of
nonsense words, while the OTHERS react; LIGHT and SOUND cues abound...
The duel of words, though nonsense, contains the
intentions and inflections of a true argument, with gestures, builds and
climaxes)
NICHOLE
Gungafoo!
MISS BLABLE
Semblablenip!
HEATHER
What
are you doing?
NICHOLE
Blenip? Oh, nip!
Niptahnk!
MISS BLABLE
Veemer meemer, semblaBLECH!
NICHOLE
Mephblat! Nushrum,
mooger moog!
MISS BLABLE
Incrashtablizzits blable, Nicholble bloble, fugga mugga misher
mo!
JILL
SOMEONE
LET US OUT!
NICHOLE
Nicholableblable!
MISS BLABLE
Semblablablable!
NICHOLE
BlaMAH? Fractinoid!
MISS BLABLE
Scrumtrilescent!
ERIC
What
the--?
JILL
SOMEONE!
NICHOLE
Bufnuf, shablab, krakatoafarm,
nilstid, noshef, oom, meow, here chick chick, dippin dots, Anton Chekhov, krazamsplazamflazam!
MISS BLABLE
Semblable, semblable, cromblable,
nostable, blable, semblable, my blable, your blable, muhblable, blable, blable, semBLOOBLE!
Shut! Up!
HEATHER
I
can’t take it! I can’t take it anymore!
MISS BLABLE
Semblablocity!
NICHOLE
Ramnorg!!
MISS BLABLE
(A deep breath)
SEMBLABLEMONTARIA!
(NICHOLE gasps and stares at MISS BLABLE as if she
had just uttered some ultimately mortifying and forbidden word.
The scene freezes...
NICHOLE comes down and addresses the audience)
NICHOLE
Hmm...I’m trying to find a way to explain what just happened, without
getting altogether frustrated. Now, I
know you’re not dullards, but let me see if I can put this the right way...
(Unseen by NICHOLE, MISS BLABLE unfreezes in the
background and starts picking up some of the mess, all the while mocking
NICHOLE as she talks to the audience)
Yes,
Miss Blable and I had a sort of duel. An argument, of sorts! It had much to do with the story, but there
was something oddly...never mind that, I’m straying,
here. The argument of nonsense obviously
made no sense to the other characters and uttered discombobulated them. Perhaps if they had known my advice – forget themselves for a moment and observe the situation from Miss Blable’s perspective!
Right? Right. They are very
dumb. Elles sont
tres bêtes. Good.
And on we go.
(MISS BLABLE has placed an object in NICHOLE’S path;
NICHOLE tries over it on her way back to the scene)
Shit! Merde!
(Scene resumes)
NICHOLE
(continued)
(To MISS BLABLE)
What...what
did you say? How dare you say that to
me!
MISS BLABLE
You
heard me.
NICHOLE
And shall soon sorely wish that I had not, Miss Blable. You shall
pay dearly for this...this outrage! This
abominable insolence! This unfathomable
desecration of all that is respectfully mannered! You shall answer for this!
(Pleasant as pie)
Well,
thank you ever so much for paying me. I
do appreciate it.
MISS BLABLE
It
was my pleasure.
NICHOLE
Oh
yes?
MISS BLABLE
Any
time! And please, make yourself
comfortable and stay a while. Would you
like some tea and cake?
NICHOLE
Yes,
if you please. I take it with two lumps.
MISS BLABLE
Of sugar?
NICHOLE
What? Oh, two lumps...Yes, but not with tea. That isn’t what I meant, dear.
MISS BLABLE
I’ll
be right back, then. Everyone just stay
put...because you’re locked in and you have to!
(Exits)
HEATHER
(Breaking the silence)
Tea
and cake...tea and cake...! You know,
you foreigners...you can’t even have the decency to argue in English, and now
you’re all “tea and cake!” Can’t you
drink something American, like some coffee?
This is your greatest concern
about what just happened?
HEATHER
Well,
now I understand what’s going on! I
thought she was schizoid-frantic, but she’s just a crazy foreigner. You know, you’re in
(NICHOLE chuckles)
What’s
so funny?
NICHOLE
(Pointing to HEATHER)
She
thinks we’re in
ERIC
We
are.
NICHOLE
Are
we? Have yourselves
a look out the window.
OTHERS
(Realizing)
The
window!
(SHANON, HEATHER, ERIC and JILL all make a mad dash
for the window in an attempt to escape; ERIC reaches it first...
There are sizzling, buzzing noises as ERIC touches
the windowsill – the window is electrocuting him; the LIGHTS flicker...
In a panic,
NICHOLE chuckles for a bit before calling out...)
NICHOLE
The
window! The window! The non-electric window!
(The window suddenly stops being electrical; ERIC,
HEATHER and SHANNON fall to the floor)
JILL
Oh
God, oh God, oh God...Are you all okay?
Are you all alive?
HEATHER
(Sits up)
That’s
weird. I feel just fine.
So
do I. I don’t
understand – that electric current should have killed us all!
ERIC
(In great pain)
OWWWW!!!
NICHOLE
Well,
I can’t help everyone.
HEATHER
What
is on that window?
JILL
Don’t
touch it again!
Relax,
I’m just looking...
(Glances outside)
Guys...what
are the
NICHOLE
Didn’t
I tell you?
And
the Pyramids and...Sphinx...?
HEATHER
Wait,
I don’t understand – if the window is electrical, how did you climb in,
earlier?
NICHOLE
Because
that’s how nonsense works!
(Still staring outside)
We’re
in...Frangypt...What...what’s going...?
ERIC
(Still in pain)
OWWWW!!!
NICHOLE
Well,
what are you all so unraveled about? Of
course
ERIC
Ohhh, God, that hurt...
NICHOLE
Here,
let me see.
(NICHOLE helps ERIC to his feet; SHE examines him,
as if he were a strange bug; then, she weeps for a bit; then she tenderly and
soothingly pets him; then she weeps some more; then she looks at him as if he
were a piece of meat; then she turns and stares at the corner of the room)
ERIC
(Surprised)
Huh...I
feel better.
NICHOLE
(Facing the wall)
I
thought you might.
HEATHER
So
now what?
Maybe
we can find another way out of here.
HEATHER
How? Fly?
(There is a yelp, off stage. MISS BLABLE enters carrying a fly swatter,
swatting viciously at the air with it)
MISS
BLABLE
Fly!
Fly!
It was on my tea and cake, spreading disease and filth. Oh die, already! Die, die, Lord of the Flies! Lord of the Flies! Lord of the Flies!
(SHE swats HEATHER on the forehead; oddly, it is
ERIC, JILL and SHANNON who all react and grab their foreheads, while HEATHER
just sits there)
SHANNON,
JILL & ERIC
Ow!
MISS BLABLE
How
inspiring! I shall call it “Forehead of Smearèd Death.” It
shall be hung in the Louvre, just outside, next to
the Mona Lisa. Oh, Da
Vinci! He loved me in bed, you know. All those years ago, back when that wasn’t
me. Oh, Leo...
(SHE exits, dreamily, back to the kitchen; HEATHER
stands, with an odd gleam in her eye)
HEATHER
Art...yes,
that’s it. Not schizo-whatever
or foreign – she’s an artist. And all of
this – this is art. We should have
more...More art! Excuse me, while I work
on my own masterpiece – “The Hell Neighbor’s Demise.”
(HEATHER exits to the kitchen)
JILL
Wait! Stop her!
She can’t go in there. She’ll
become just like Miss Blable.
ERIC
By
going in there? How do you figure?
JILL
I
don’t know. It just felt like the right
thing to say.
ERIC
Hairbrush.
JILL
Huh?
ERIC
Hairbrush.
JILL
What’s
that mean?
ERIC
I
have no idea.
I’ve
got it! We’ll cut our way out.
(SHANNON grabs the bag of glass and begins bashing
it against the door, over and over; ERIC sits contemplating his “hairbrush”
remark while JILL sits and whimpers; NICHOLE is busy having a conversation with
herself about the price of rice in China;
Eventually,
What
am I doing?
NICHOLE
...and
you see, that’s why I feel they really ought to lower the price. It’s outrageous, isn’t it? Anyway, what do you feel like eating
tonight? Chinese? No!
Weren’t you just listening?
What
the hell am I doing?
ERIC
I’m
going in there, after them.
JILL
No,
don’t! Our chances of survival are
better if we all stick together.
Together we fall, divided we conquer.
I mean – together we fall, divide we lose our minds.
ERIC
It’ll
be fine. I’ll be careful.
(HEATHER enters, with a large spaghetti pot stuck on
her head; MISS BLABLE is chasing her, banging on the pot with a wooden spoon;
HEATHER falls over, and MISS BLABLE drops the spoon, overcome by a new idea)
MISS
BLABLE
I
think it’s time you all met the cat.
(Exits)
(NICHOLE picks up the bag of glass and proceeds to
“dust” the furniture and remaining mess with it; the OTHERS help remove the pot
from HEATHER’S head)
ERIC
Are
you all right?
HEATHER
(Disoriented)
What? Yes, I’d love some.
JILL
Can
you hear us?
HEATHER
Only at night...
Ms.
Goodlin, can you hear me? Say something.
HEATHER
Beans
of the Round Table with screaming pickles...?
Something
normal, preferably...
HEATHER
Can
I have sauce with that?
Right...
NICHOLE
Ugh! Filthy furniture!
(MISS BLABLE enters)
MISS
BLABLE
CAT!!!
(SHE flings a rather realistic-looking stuffed dog
across the room; JILL shrieks and faints onto the floor; NICHOLE begins a
life-and-death struggle with the “cat”)
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
I’ll
be right back. The tea and cake is
almost done. I just have to add the
final coat.
(Exits)
HEATHER
What
do you think causes people to become this way?
Her
kitchen...her kitchen...her panoramic kitchen...
(LIGHTS flicker;
ERIC
Maybe
it’s like lead poisoning or something.
(MISS BLABLE enters)
MISS
BLABLE
Okay. I just finished watching “Tea and Cake” on my
panoramic kitchen. Now, for more
physical activities!
(SHE joins the life-and-death struggle with NICHOLE
and the “cat”)
Panoramic...? Hey, was the
kitchen panoramic when you went in there?
Before I said that?
HEATHER
I
don’t remember. I had a pot on my head.
Well,
I’m curious now. I don’t know why, but
I’d like to go in there. That’s what’s
going to happen anyway, since I can’t stop my feet from moving. What’s going on? Donations!
Donations! A thousand good
donations! I’m moving, why am I
moving...?
(
HEATHER
Well,
you do what you want. I am staying right
here. Where am I going?
(HEATHER exits, against her will; MISS BLABLE
notices this; SHE stops her struggle and exits after them;
NICHOLE and ERIC are left alone on stage together,
with JILL still passed out on the floor)
NICHOLE
Now,
that we’re alone...Tell me, my dear: are you fond of emptiness?
ERIC
Pardon?
NICHOLE
Emptiness
– are you fond of it?
ERIC
I
don’t understand what you’re asking. How
can I be fond of something that isn’t there?
NICHOLE
Well,
that’s a rather pessimistic attitude, don’t you think? If you suspend your disbelief, you can do
anything – fight wars...eat with the gods...meet straight people at Bette
Midler concerts! Anything is possible,
and anything is rational. So, I ask you
once more: are you fond of emptiness?
ERIC
No. No, I don’t like emptiness.
(NICHOLE slaps him across the face, offended)
ERIC
(continued)
Ow! What was that for? You asked me my opinion.
NICHOLE
Your
opinion is flawed.
ERIC
I
am entitled to my own opinion.
NICHOLE
No!
ERIC
Yes!
NICHOLE
Never! Your reactions are entirely incorrect.
(Exits)
ERIC
What
the double-fudgey-crunch hell? What is this?
Why did I even come here, to this theatre? I mean, this
house! This is a house, right? I’m confused.
Yes, it’s a house. It’s the House
of Hell. This is Hell...normal looking
for about five minutes, but there are little things that you don’t notice at
first...partly-consumed plants, for instance...people passed out on the
stage...I mean, the floor! With sticks
and oily rags and bags of glass...where hairbrushes have dental cake, and the
dialogue makes no sense...Wait, what am I talking about? How do I know this is dialogue? This is such a weird play. And how the hell do I know that this is a
play? I’m going crazy...It’s all the
psychology studies, I’m going paranoid and schizoid-frantic and where the fuck
did the wall go?!
(HE can suddenly see the
audience)
Who
the hell are all of you?!
(NICHOLE enters with a glass of water, which she
tosses in ERIC’S face, pacifying him)
NICHOLE
Wake
up!
(SHE exits, leaving ERIC dripping wet and dazed;
JILL begins to stir)
JILL
Where
am I?
ERIC
I
don’t remember.
JILL
I
was having a nightmare I was in Miss Blable’s house.
ERIC
What’s
Miss Blable’s house?
JILL
Beats me, Eric. Who are you?
ERIC
I’m
Eric. Who are you, Jill?
JILL
I’m
Jill.
ERIC
Sweet.
JILL
Will
you marry me?
ERIC
Marry
you? You’re not serious?
JILL
Why
can’t I say whatever I want? Even if you
have a girlfriend, you’ll never see her again.
We’re here. We can’t get out. And I want your penis.
ERIC
You
have nice boobs. Maybe we could get
out...but I feel stuck. I have this
strange feeling, somewhere between apathy and need.
JILL
So
do I.
ERIC
I
don’t have one, anyway.
JILL
Penis?
ERIC
No,
girlfriend.
JILL
Oh. Good.
Want to go in the secret passage and have sex?
ERIC
What
secret passage?
JILL
The
passage...the passage...the horny secret passage...
(A secret passage opens up in the wall)
ERIC
How
did you do that?
JILL
Who
knows? Come on. I want to start college with Bone Me Hard 101.
(SHE takes him by the hand and they exit together
into the secret passage; it shuts most of the way behind them, but remains
slightly ajar
LIGHTS change; NICHOLE enters and talks to the
audience)
NICHOLE
Ah! I see they’ve started to unravel the
mystery. And their clothes! How wonderfully meaningful! All the clues are here: a stick...oily
rags...a bag of broken glass...Of course, none of this means anything,
realistically. The possibilities in absurdity
are infinite, though. You know, there
are some who argue that, despite their differences, reality and absurdity are
in fact quite similar. The world changes, ever onward. And so, our characters change, and our
stories change, and our perspectives, and thus the way we tell them. Perhaps, even, all of us are changing at this
very moment. Or perhaps everything else
is changing, or perhaps nothing at all. We’ll make more exciting discoveries after
this little break. So stay. Restez.
(NICHOLE exits;
MISS BLABLE enters, looking at herself in a hand
mirror; SHE tries maintaining a dramatic pose, but is too annoyed)
MISS
BLABLE
I
hate this play so much.
-END OF ACT I-
INTERLUDE
The same as the end of Act I...The secret passage is still slightly ajar. The only difference is that the DEAD BODY from earlier in the play is now lying downstage in plain view.
Wacky MUSIC begins to play. MISS BLABLE and NICHOLE enter, dancing to
it. Throughout the dance, MISS BLABLE’S
movements are rather graceful and cool, with an absurd elegance to them. NICHOLE’S movements are jagged and
spastically energetic, almost out of control.
As THEY dance, the two of them do various
Absurdist-type things: biting the plant, beating the walls with the bag of
glass, poking the DEAD BODY with the stick, etc.
MISS BLABLE begins speaking in rhythm with the music
as it comes to an end.
MISS BLABLE
Now
It’s
time,
Once
again,
To
complete
This
insufferable tale—
This
work of art!
Of
art!
Of
self-proclaimed art!
And
oh, the pain!
The
pain!
The
photogenic pain!
(The dance ends, with NICHOLE and MISS BLABLE posing
grandly;
While NICHOLE exits to fetch her chalkboard, MISS
BLABLE chats with the audience)
MISS
BLABLE
Oh,
wasn’t that fun? I’m starting to enjoy
myself. I think I’ll just go ahead and
make the best of things.
(Once NICHOLE is out of sight, MISS BLABLE whispers
to the audience, conspiratorially)
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
Don’t
tell her, but I found the writer and spoke with him, during intermission. He agrees.
He doesn’t know what he was on when he wrote this play, and he wants to
help me fix things. He’s allowing me
something, but I can’t talk about it now.
(As NICHOLE enters again
with her chalkboard)
Oh
yes, I’m all psyched to do Act Two, now!
And I’m so glad that...most...of you stayed. You know, maybe we can all go out for drinks
after—
NICHOLE
(Interrupting, holding a
book)
Now,
to continue our lessons! Chapter
Twenty-seven-ish...abridged. “And, to the ramparts and the rioting and the
war criminals and the eternal stench, there was much rejoicing and
despair. Not to those who need nothing,
but rather to those who need nothingness and everythingness
and such similar things, like those which are found in that part of the doorway
on your neighbor’s porch – the ones with the old beat up station wagon parked
on the curb – all these pieces shall one day come together as the sexual organ
of your imagination.”
(Closes book)
And
now, I shall translate: “Je vais
bien. Je suis bien. J’ai besoin d’eau,
et j’ai besoin
d’argent.
Comment est ta tête? Les soeurs du beurres, elles
doivent mourir!” Aha!
Remember that word? Mourir!
(Writes on chalkboard)
To
die!
MISS BLABLE
(Bored)
Semblable...To die...
NICHOLE
Non, non! Vous ne comprenez pas. Vous êtes semblables.
(Points to DEAD BODY)
Il est mort. Wait a moment, what’s he doing here? I thought I got rid of him.
(The DEAD BODY stands up, very much alive)
DEAD BODY
Je suis
mort. I am dead.
(DEAD BODY exits; NICHOLE is quite alarmed)
MISS
BLABLE
Don’t
worry. I’ll handle this.
(MISS BLABLE picks up the stick and exits after the
DEAD BODY; NICHOLE regains her composure)
NICHOLE
Now,
we shall continue with our story. We’ve
seen the intriguing new developments in the “normal” characters. These changes shall continue to progress, and
eventually you’ll see everyone naked.
Well, not literally naked. When I
say “naked”, I mean it in a spaghetti sense.
It was a metaphor. What, you
still don’t understand? No, no...the word “spaghetti” was a metaphor, as well. It meant “metaphorical”. Metaphors for metaphors! You see?
With such logic, everything becomes connected...becomes similar. This is precisely the reason why I can switch
emotions so freely.
(Despondent)
I
want to die.
(Chatty)
Death
is such an interesting subject, don’t you think?
(Terrified)
Oh
God, I’m so afraid of dying!
(Sexy)
Though,
the thought of dying does turn me on a little.
(To the chalkboard)
I
want you. Now.
(To the audience)
See? I’m seducing the chalkboard. Now, do you see my point? If you’ll excuse us, we must be alone. Isn’t that right, my darling?
(SHE rolls the chalkboard off stage, seductively
caressing it; she exits...
MISS BLABLE enters, prodding the
still-alive-and-walking DEAD BODY on stage with the stick)
MISS
BLABLE
This
isn’t a dead body. This is a
salesman. I love him, I love him, I absolutely love this man!
You see, this is the character the writer promised me. This one is mine.
(LIGHTS begin to change)
Oh,
shoot! Watch him for a few minutes, will
you? I’ve got to do this scene now.
(SHE puts down the stick and scurries off; the DEAD BODY/SALESMAN stares at the audience for a moment)
SALESMAN
Hi. I sell things. I like Scorpios, swimming and
masturbation. If
you’ll excuse me for about five minutes...
(HE exits, unzipping his pants; the LIGHTS continue
to change, bringing us into the continuing story...)
ACT II
MISS BLABLE’S living room, once again...perhaps half
an hour after the events of act one...or perhaps years later...
MISS BLABLE and NICHOLE enter from the kitchen.
MISS BLABLE
And
this is the living room. What type of
architecture, you ask? So do I. What do you think
it is? Does this look Greco-Roman to
you? Oh, and you’ll notice the lovely
new plant we’ve just added.
NICHOLE
Miss
Blable, I am the owner of this property. Of course I realize this is the bloody living
room, you twit. Are you completely out
of your mind, or deliberately trying to peeve me? Honestly!
Shall we continue the tour?
MISS BLABLE
By
all means! We’ve got all day, with those
two tied up in the kitchen. Do you think
it was a good idea?
NICHOLE
Well,
it does seem rather cruel.
(THEY both laugh wickedly; suddenly, the both stop
laughing and begin screaming in horrible, horrible pain; they then laugh at
this, delighted;
HEATHER and SHANNON enter, hopping, tied together
with a rope)
HEATHER
You
let us go! I demand you untie this rope,
this instant. This is simply
unbelievable.
MISS BLABLE
Well,
well, well...The next door witch comes crawling back for my help.
HEATHER
I
could press charges against you in about fifty different ways.
(
May
I keep the rope for donations?
MISS BLABLE
Well,
Heathblerble, if you ask me nicely, for a change,
I’ll grant you any wish your fussy little heart desires...So long as you answer
me these questions three! Are you up for
it?
HEATHER
I
suppose.
MISS BLABLE
Are
you ready?
HEATHER
Yes.
MISS BLABLE
Are
you sure?
HEATHER
Yes!
MISS BLABLE
Those
were the three questions. Good job! Now, let me hear your request. Politely, please!
HEATHER
(Forcing manners)
Miss
Blable, would you please untie us?
MISS BLABLE
Well,
that’s a rather selfish request. After
all, you aren’t the only one tied up.
Maybe you should politely ask Shannblable how
she feels about it.
(
Donations. I want
donors. Organ donors. Brain transplants. I need brain transportation. I need condemnation. I want condiments. On a hotdog. Will someone get me a hotdog? With mustard, relish and donations...lots and
lots of donations...
HEATHER
That’s
ridiculous! Of course she wants to be
released. She just...isn’t coherent at
the moment, and that’s your fault!
You’ve made her go crazy. So,
being as I’m the only lucid one who can make rational decisions, I demand you
untie both of us right now!
NICHOLE
No!
HEATHER
Yes! Right now!
NICHOLE
Never!
(
Donations...donations...? Donations!
(To HEATHER)
Uh...donations! Idea!
Hop, hop!
HEATHER
Hop,
hop...
This
way!
(SHANNON and HEATHER hop their way towards the bag
of broken glass)
MISS
BLABLE
(To NICHOLE)
Just
look at that. Shannblable
has always been so much brighter and more resourceful than Heathblerble. She’s very promising, wouldn’t you say?
NICHOLE
I
say nothing. I refuse.
MISS BLABLE
But
where do you suppose Ericble and Jillblable
ran off to?
(NICHOLE notices the slightly ajar secret passage)
NICHOLE
What
on earth is this? Where did this door
come from?
MISS BLABLE
Well,
I’d say it looks like a secret passage.
NICHOLE
What
the devil is a sordid “secret passage” doing on my property? Move it at once!
MISS BLABLE
I
didn’t put it there.
NICHOLE
Well,
I want you to get rid of it.
MISS BLABLE
Nonsense! How?
NICHOLE
Quickly
and wearing stilts!
(Notices SHANNON and HEATHER, who have used the glass
to cut their ropes)
They’re
loose!
(
Stay
back! I’m warning you. I’ve got a donation, and I know how to use
it.
HEATHER
Now,
you do as we say. We want out of here.
MISS BLABLE
Well,
I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can
do. The key is gone, remember?
HEATHER
Isn’t
there a spare?
MISS BLABLE
I’m
not sure.
(To NICHOLE)
Is
there?
NICHOLE
Of
course there is.
HEATHER
Where
is it?
NICHOLE
Outside. In
HEATHER
Why
on earth do you have a door that locks with a skeleton key from the inside,
anyway? No one has those anymore! Aren’t you worried about getting locked in?
MISS BLABLE
We
are locked in. Do I look worried?
Is
there any other way out?
NICHOLE
(Malevolent)
You
could try the window again. It’s safe
now. I promise.
Damn
it...
HEATHER
Well,
do you have a back door?
MISS BLABLE
Did
you see a back door anywhere?
HEATHER
(To
Did
you...? Wait, was there...?
I
don’t remember.
HEATHER
We
must have...I mean, we were in there for hours.
Weren’t we?
Or
a few minutes, at least...
HEATHER
No...no, it was two weeks, minimum!
I
can’t remember any of it.
HEATHER
All
I can remember is the kitchen is that way, and...it
makes no sense!
(HEATHER and SHANNON both sit down, unnerved and
exhausted)
HEATHER
(continued)
Wait
a minute...If there’s no way out, where did those other two go?
NICHOLE
I’ve
used them for fuel. And if you aren’t
careful, you’ll be next.
MISS BLABLE
Actually,
they’re probably inside the secret passage.
In the dark...doing what college students do...
Secret passage? Is it a way
out?
MISS BLABLE
Well,
that depends. It leads in all directions, and none of them at all, taking you sideways,
upwards and downwind, in and out and to and fro. It’s there, and it isn’t. It’s a secret that’s plain to see.
HEATHER
What
does that even mean?
MISS BLABLE
That’s
something a person like you, Heathblerble, could
never understand.
HEATHER
Of
course not! It made no sense!
Is
it...a riddle or something?
MISS BLABLE
Perhaps
someday you’ll find the answer, Shannblable.
NICHOLE
What
are you keeping in that dreary turd of a passage,
anyhow?
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
the usual: clothes...old furniture...resentment. But it changes, with my mood. Oh, that gives me an idea!
(Calls loudly into the passage)
The
passage! The passage! The rat-infested passage!
(LIGHTS flicker; we hear the sound of hundreds of
RATS squeaking and moving about rapidly, from behind the walls; we then hear
JILL and ERIC screaming, distantly;
MISS BLABLE quickly shuts the passage tightly and
stands in front of it, blocking it shut; after a few moments, we hear ERIC and
JILL slam into the inside of the wall)
HEATHER
Was
that them?
MISS BLABLE
If
it was, then I’ve done a little mixing.
You see, the problem is in the rats, and in the sex, and in the
rats. Perhaps we’ve solved a little
nonsense. But there’s only one way to
find out. Nichole, help me open it back
up.
NICHOLE
And
how does one do that?
(MISS BLABLE slaps NICHOLE across the face)
MISS
BLABLE
Piss
off!
NICHOLE
(Slapping MISS BLABLE)
To
the devil with you, then!
(The secret passage opens; NICHOLE looks impressed;
ERIC and JILL clumsily fall into the room; THEY are both covered in telltale
signs of a sexual encounte: JILL’S hair is a mess;
ERIC is covered in JILL’S lipstick; clothes on both are disheveled and undone)
MISS
BLABLE
Why,
hello.
NICHOLE
Dear
me! These certainly are large rats.
MISS BLABLE
What
have we been doing in the passage, now?
ERIC
Nothing.
JILL
No,
nothing.
NICHOLE
Speaking
rats! Extraordinary!
(ERIC and JILL attempt to straighten themselves out;
they both sit, awkwardly distant from each other; a brief, uncomfortable
silence)
JILL
So...can
we go yet?
(Suddenly, NICHOLE begins screaming in horror and
starts pointing in a zillion different places; the OTHERS panic; even MISS
BLABLE seems startled by this)
JILL
(continued)
What,
what?! What’s going on?! What did I say?! WHERE IS IT, WHERE, WHAT IS IT NOW?!
(NICHOLE stops screaming and looks at JILL, curiously)
NICHOLE
Did
you say, “Where is the cow?” She’s at
the bank today. Her account has been
overdrawn, so I told her the bank might be a good place to rob. That way, she’ll have enough to take that
trip to
(ALL stare at NICHOLE in utter bafflement; MISS
BLABLE is embarrassed and looks away, anticipating the worst)
JILL
(Holding back)
No. I did not say, “Where is the cow?” I don’t even know who “the cow” is. You were screaming, and I asked, “What is it,
now?” The least likely time for me to
randomly inquire, “Where is the cow?” would be when someone is screaming in
horror and freaking out. In fact, I
don’t give a shit about the fucking “cow.”
(Letting it out)
I
hope “the cow” fucking dies. I hope “the
cow” gets shot again, so she can go make her fucking Swiss cheese in “Cow
Hell”. And I am not a rat – not to you
or the fucking “cow”. And I never will
be! What the hell is wrong with you
people?! Fuck “the cow”!!
MISS BLABLE
Now,
calm down, Jillblable—
(JILL snaps completely, surprising everyone)
JILL
I
HATE “THE COW”! I HATE HER! I HATE THE FUCKING COW, AND I HATE ALL OF
YOU! YOU INTERRUPTED
US! I WAS HAVING A GOOD FUCK! IN THE FUCKING PASSAGE! AND THERE WAS NO FUCKING COW! I HAVEN’T HAD A GOOD FUCK IN MONTHS! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONTHSSSSS!!!
(JILL has a hysterical screeching/sobbing tantrum;
after a while SHE becomes aware of herself; she sits in silence; EVERYONE does,
for a long time)
NICHOLE
(Tentatively)
Well...about
my cow...She’s already dead. But don’t
worry – she’s still producing.
Remarkable creature! But it’s not
really milk, by now. It’s more a sour
cream.
MISS BLABLE
(Trying to break the tension)
Is
that the famous Nicholble’s Super Sour Cream you
always use in your Mexican dishes? The
ones you throw at young couples in the park?
NICHOLE
Well,
I don’t mean to boast, but I do make one hell of an enchilada.
JILL
I
think I’m going to be sick.
(MISS BLABLE offers JILL the bag of glass)
MISS
BLABLE
Here,
use this, Jillblable.
JILL
(Miserable)
Why
do you keep calling me that?
MISS BLABLE
What? Your name? Well, what would you rather be called? Cleopatra, your majesty?
NICHOLE
She
killed herself with a snake, you know.
(NICHOLE snaps her fingers:
The scene freezes...
SHE steps forward and addresses the audience)
NICHOLE
(continued)
My,
my! That certainly was
embarrassing. But I’m sure it was quite
meaningful and necessary. I wasn’t
expecting such a large reaction from her yet...Let’s not linger, though. Moving on – Chapter XA.256: What to do in a
situation involving a piece of flesh, a foreigner, and an electrical storm, all
while seducing a goat. What? That doesn’t sound right. That sounds more like Chapter 35%. Let me consult my – Well, where has my
chalkboard gone? Does anyone...? Who took my chalkboard? Scurvy knaves! I should’ve known better than to trust...Oh
my God, where did my brazier go?
(The SALESMAN from before enters, dragging the
chalkboard behind him; he’s also carrying a woman’s brazier, and his pants are
unzipped)
NICHOLE
(continued)
Who
took my—? What the bloody hell?
SALESMAN
Je m’appelle Dan.
NICHOLE
Dan? I don’t remember a Dan. I didn’t ask for a Dan.
DAN
Quelle dommage! Aimez-vous mon verge?
NICHOLE
Silence! You’re not Dan; you’re dead. There isn’t any Dan, in this story. Give me those.
(Snatches the brazier and chalkboard from him)
We
do not need your presence. Things are
already underway, and the door is locked, and the key is gone, thank you very
much. Bugger off! And you may want to XYZ, while you’re at it.
(DAN looks down at his fly; he zips up)
DAN
Oh,
whoops! Wow, how embarrassing! But stuff like that happens to me all the
time. Like the other day, I was
masturbating when...Well, it’s a long story, and I’ve got to get ready. I believe I’m about to enter selling women’s
lingerie. I’ve been doing this job ever
since my wife left me because she found out I wet the bed as a child, and
sometimes even today, I—
NICHOLE
Yes,
that’s quite sufficient, thank you.
(DAN exits)
NICHOLE
(continued)
Turdly nuisance! I wasn’t
planning on this. I wasn’t planning on a
Dan. Oh well, the power of Absurdism can handle anything thrown in its path. He can’t get in, anyway – not when we’re in Frangypt with no key.
And he’s going to go blind – not from the myth about masturbation, but
rather because later I shall gouge out his eyes for stealing my
chalkboard. Will someone get this
bloody thing off the stage?!
(SHE kicks the chalkboard in frustration and pushes
it violently off stage)
NICHOLE
(continued)
Now,
where was I? It...er...Bertrande, confess to
God and tell the truth! No, that isn’t
the right play. Where am I? Where was I? Oh, this is going to have a dreadful result,
I just know it...
(SHE wanders vaguely back into the spot she was
previously in, within the scene; however, she is facing the wrong direction...
The scene resumes, but something is not quite right
– the LIGHTS are dim and there is creepy music playing, like an old horror
movie soundtrack)
NICHOLE
(continued)
What
on earth...?
MISS BLABLE
(Morbid)
And
that is why, even today, we still see the blood on the poodle skirts!
(MISS BLABLE shrieks, as if she had just finished
listening to her own ghost story...
There is a KNOCK at the door – heavy and pendulous –
NICHOLE looks bewildered while the OTHERS turn towards the door and speak in
creepy unison...)
ALL
(except NICHOLE)
Come
play with us...Come play with us, Danny...forever and ever and ever...
NICHOLE
Bollocks! I knew something like this would happen!
(NICHOLE snaps her fingers and the scene freezes
again...
SHE seems a bit nervous and disoriented)
What
the devil...? Please excuse that. You see, I believe the presence of this new
character trying to get through Absurdist time-space into Miss Blable’s now-self-existential living room has created a
sort of...glitch...I must focus to maintain control. The realm of the Absurd must be kept closely
guarded, or who knows what could happen?
Shall we try once more? Hmm...perhaps if I...yes, the other way. There, this should go more smoothly.
(The scene resumes again; everything is as it was
before the “glitch”; there is a perfectly ordinary KNOCK at the door—
Absolute Hell breaks loose)
Help
us! Help us!
HEATHER
Someone
is here! Someone is here!
(EVERYONE starts yelling at once; the following
lines happen simultaneously)
Help
us, whoever you are!
MISS BLABLE
What
is someone doing at the door, out in Frangypt?
HEATHER
They’re
going to let us out! Let us out, you
sick son of a bitch! You’re not letting
us out fast enough! I’ll kill you if you
don’t let us out!
JILL
What? Where?
Oh God! I have to scream, I’m
going to scream, AHHHHHHHHH!!! What’s
going on?!
ERIC
Who—wha—door?! I can’t
think. Stop yelling. NO ONE YELL!
NICHOLE
(To audience)
Yes,
this is much better...
(Pounding on the door)
Let
me out! Let me out!
(DAN is outside the door, pounding back at her)
DAN
Let
me in! Let me in!
Let
me out!!
DAN
Let
me in!!
JILL
Oh,
it’s hopeless! We’re never getting
out! Like Eric said – Hairbrush! Nothing but hairbruuuuuush!
MISS BLABLE
Jillblable, there’s nothing to fear...except monsters. They’re going to get you.
ERIC
Hell! I said Hell!
I’ve got Hell! Lots of Hell!
HEATHER
Open
the door!! Open! The!
Door!
MISS BLABLE
Maybe
it’s your ambulance.
HEATHER
It’s
no ambulance, it’s the hand of God! Let us out, God! I’ll kick your ass, God!
JILL
Auuuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
ERIC
(Sing)
Hell! Hell, Hell!
Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell!
Let
me out!
DAN
Let
me in!
Fuck
you!
(By this point, everything is in total chaos;
NICHOLE has lost interest in the scene and is attempting to seduce the plant;
finally, MISS BLABLE raises her voice, quieting the others and stopping the
madness)
MISS
BLABLE
Everyone! Everyone!
Calm down! Calm down! It’s all right. For goodness’ sake, I’ll just use the spare
key.
(SHE pulls a spare skeleton key out from her pocket
and begins to unlock the door with it; the OTHERS stare at her in stunned
mortification; even NICHOLE is shocked and concerned;
MISS BLABLE opens the door; outside stands DAN
PETERSON, a salesman; HE is carrying a couple of large cases with him)
NICHOLE
Impossible...how
did he...?
MISS BLABLE
Yes? What can I do for you?
NICHOLE
No,
you mustn’t let him—
DAN
What’s
going on in here? I heard screaming.
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
that was merely a joke. I have some
friends who are in an acting troupe.
Please, come in.
DAN
Okay.
(DAN enters; ERIC, JILL, SHANNON and HEATHER all
release a mixture of tense screams and frustrated noises)
MISS
BLABLE
Oh,
you know these actor types – that’s just how they say hello. Anyway, you know too much now – you’ll have
to stay.
(SHE quickly locks the door and puts the key down
the front of her dress)
DAN
Wait
a minute, what’s going on?
Spare
key?! You...you had a spare key this
whole time, and...but you...you bitch from
hell...Why...?
MISS BLABLE
It
doesn’t matter, Shannblable. You’re not leaving until you meet “Them”.
HEATHER
(Pointing to NICHOLE)
I
was under the assumption that she was “Them”.
NICHOLE
I
am not “Them”. You cannot even begin to
comprehend “Them”.
ERIC
But
why...why are you keeping us here to meet “Them”?
DAN
Um...This
doesn’t look like a good time...
(DAN turns to leave, but MISS BLABLE grabs him by
the throat)
DAN
(continued)
All right. I’ll stay.
MISS BLABLE
You
fools...This little man right here has more of “Them” inside him than you’ll
ever hope to know. I can feel the “Them”
within him, wanting to be free! Wanting
to get out and shout at the world, “I’m here, world! Look at me!”
DAN
Hi. My name is Dan Peterson—
(HE extends his hand in a handshake; MISS BLABLE
violently swats it away)
--on behalf of Conformist Fashions, Inc., of Pairo,
Frangypt. And I’m here
to see if you’d be interested in our fabulous lineup of women’s lingerie.
(HE opens one of his cases, which is full of
lingerie for sale)
NICHOLE
Ooh! Lingerie!
How lovely! Let me see.
MISS BLABLE
Lingerie? This was what...? Yes, I suppose. Do you have anything in a soft puce?
NICHOLE
I
want something in a deep blood red.
MISS BLABLE
(Holding up a black negligee)
Or
black! Yes, this works nicely.
DAN
Ah
yes, one of our finest! This sleek, sexy
negligee is sure to spice up any relationship—
MISS BLABLE
Wait,
wait, wait...I’m not certain. Try it on,
first.
DAN
I
beg your pardon?
MISS BLABLE
Well,
I want to see what it looks like before I make any decisions. So go ahead.
Try it on.
NICHOLE
Yes,
go on.
DAN
You’d
like to try it on?
MISS BLABLE
No. I’d like for you to try it on.
DAN
But how...?
MISS BLABLE
Was
I mumbling? I said, try it on.
DAN
Um...okay...
(Takes off his shoes)
Although,
I don’t really think this is supposed to be part of my job description.
NICHOLE
Quit
stalling.
(DAN begins half-heartedly putting the negligee on over
his clothes)
DAN
As
I was saying, this sleek, sexy—
MISS BLABLE
Stop! Stop!
What are you doing?
DAN
I
thought you said you wanted me to—
MISS BLABLE
Yes,
but you’re putting it on over your clothing.
I want to see what it really looks like.
DAN
Woah, woah, forget it! I am not putting—
NICHOLE
What
did you say your name was, sir?
DAN
My
name is Dan Peterson – but you cannot report me for something like this – you
cannot request—
NICHOLE
Never
mind that! Mr. Peterson, I have a
question for you: Are you fond of emptiness?
DAN
Huh?
NICHOLE
Emptiness:
Are you fond of it?
ERIC
Just
say yes.
NICHOLE
Do
not give him any help! I must know his
true feelings.
DAN
Emptiness?
NICHOLE
Indeed,
emptiness!
DAN
There
is no such thing as emptiness.
NICHOLE
I
beg your pardon?!
DAN
I
do not believe in emptiness.
(Pause)
NICHOLE
Say
that one more time.
DAN
I’m
taking these classes, on perspective.
It’s Frangyptian Philosophy. And they’ve really helped me through some
tough times. These perspective things
really brighten my days. For instance:
there is no emptiness. You see –
everything is somewhat full, on a universal scale. There is plenty of space, true...but
that’s something too – see, space gives us room...room for dreams...for
hope...for growth and change.
(NICHOLE is completely discombobulated by this
speech)
HEATHER
(Sarcastic)
Oh,
like far out, man...
Oh,
shut up.
HEATHER
Shut
up? You shut up!
No,
I’ll shut up!
HEATHER
No,
I’ll shut up! So there!
(HEATHER shuts up)
NICHOLE
But...no
empti...Just who do you think...? I’ve had enough of this nonsense. He must be destroyed!
JILL
No! No violence!
Bad touch, bad touch!
NICHOLE
We
cannot let this Frangyptian nonsense in here! I try not to be a racist, but you must
believe me – the Frangyptians are all alike! They’re all preposterous, smelly,
philosophizing turds!
MISS BLABLE
(Under her breath)
The
cat...the cat...the fussy, canine cat...
(There is BARKING, off stage)
Oh,
stupid Kitty! Nicholble, now just calm down. I’ll handle the likes of him. If you don’t like Frangyptians,
why don’t you go check on Kitty for me. Relax in the kitchen. Have some tea and cake. Yes?
NICHOLE
(Fierce)
Kitty! Oh Kitty!
(Exits)
MISS BLABLE
Now
see here, Danblable!
Do you want me to buy this negligee?
I could just hand you over to Nicholble, but
that would benefit neither of us. But if
you want to prove to me that you’re worth the time and effort I took to get you
here, then you’ve got to put your all into it.
You’ve got to be willing to take risks that other people won’t take. That’s how you get ahead. That’s also how you start rumors about
yourself, but it’s how business works. You should know these things. Be daring.
I want a show. I want to be
moved. I want some tea. I’m going to have some tea. I’ll be right back. I’ll give you some time to make up your
mind...your mind...your un-repressive mind...
(LIGHTS flicker; only DAN looks mildly startled by
this; and an odd wave of feeling comes over him...
The LIGHTS change and the other characters
momentarily become shadows in the background whispering mysteriously to DAN...)
HEATHER
Crashboomlightninglightning...
It
was a dark and stormy knight in shining armor...
ERIC
Only
a pile of dirty clothes, my boy...
JILL
Il est mort...
HEATHER
Thunderlightningcrash...
ERIC
Dirty,
dirty boy...
(LIGHTS restore; DAN comes out of his trance, as if
some fleeting memory has just escaped him)
DAN
What
the...? Look, if you aren’t going to buy
anything, I really have to go. Perhaps I
could give you my card.
MISS BLABLE
Patience! The good things come to those who
cross-dress.
DAN
What’s
your name? I can have someone contact
you, maybe schedule a better time...
MISS BLABLE
I
am the one and only Miss Blable. Blable is French,
you know. It comes from the name of my
ancestors – Semblable – which is French for
“similar”. But we later shortened it to Blable. It was
simpler, and yet not simpler.
DAN
How’s
that?
MISS BLABLE
Well,
since “Semblable” means “similar,” I think you can
figure out the rest.
DAN
Oh? Oh, I see. Well, that is strange.
MISS BLABLE
Tell
me about it.
ERIC
You
see? What do you see?
(NICHOLE enters)
NICHOLE
Miss
Blable, would you mind helping me out? It’s come back again.
MISS BLABLE
Oh
dear, I thought I’d killed it. I’ll be
right back.
(MISS BLABLE picks up a chair, like a weapon; SHE
exits with NICHOLE)
ERIC
I
don’t understand. What do you see?
DAN
Oh. Her name – it means “ilar”.
ERIC
Iller?
DAN
Yeah.
ERIC
As
in, “more sick?”
DAN
Well,
yes and no.
“Ilar...” Wow, that
reminds me of home.
ERIC
What
the hell? How does that remind you of
home?
Well,
my Uncle Vanya used to have this cherry orchard,
where I used to catch seagulls with my three sisters. And we used to make up words. And when Aunt Abby died from wine poisoning,
I remember her telling me not to be afraid – that it was like when we used to
make up words. Words like “Yesn’t” and “entrousing”...it
just reminds me of those... “ilar...” You know...in a way, maybe this isn’t Frangypt at all.
Maybe this is Home. Maybe Anfisa and brother Teddy are still
here. This...this is what Heaven is
like, I’m sure of it. It’s like...making
up words. I knew it. I knew someday I’d come Home.
(
ERIC
What the fuck are you
talking about?
(Losing it)
Oh
God, I have no idea! Oh God, help me!
HEATHER
Oh,
now calm down. This isn’t good. You’re usually the stable one. You can’t go crazy now, too.
ERIC
Look,
let’s just...everybody calm down. I’ve
got plenty of penis to go around. Woah, I um...I
totally didn’t mean to say that. Well,
actually, I did. But not out loud.
JILL
I wanna wowwipop.
DAN
This
is, uh, getting kind of weird.
(We hear NICHOLE and MISS BLABLE arguing, off stage)
NICHOLE
(Off)
No! No, you mustn’t!
MISS BLABLE
(Off)
This
is my play, and I’ll do as I please.
NICHOLE
(Off)
The
Frangyptians cannot be trusted—
MISS BLABLE
(Off)
SEM-BLA-BLE!
(The LIGHTS flicker a bit, and there is a sound like
a meteor crashing in the far-off distance; only DAN seems to notice this – the
OTHERS are lost in “Ilar”)
DAN
What
was that? Did you guys hear that noise?
We
hear a lot of things.
JILL
You
know, what the hell is your problem?
What were you thinking, coming here?
You should have stayed in Frangypt. Now, there will be even more
ambulances, which is just fantastic.
DAN
Are
you guys really an acting troupe?
ERIC
What
do you think?
DAN
Not
sure.
ERIC
Well,
that’s something we’ll have to remedy, isn’t it?
HEATHER
We drink
tea and cake. We drink it all. With the lemons and the hippedy hop.
The we...the we...the cosmographic we...
(LIGHTS flicker;
ERIC
Do
you think he’s safe? Will it be okay,
with him here?
JILL
Let’s
find out.
(Picking up her cracker that was left on the coffee
table)
Would
you like a cracker, nice salesman person?
DAN
Um...Hi,
the name’s Dan Peterson. Nice to meet
you all!
HEATHER
He’s
wearing a business suit. That seems
okay. Then again, so does cyanide.
Well,
we’d like to welcome you, Mr. Peterson.
And I feel it my duty to be the first, as I was the first here, and I
will be the first to marry you.
Metaphorically speaking, of course...
(Shakes his hand)
Nice to meet you. I’m
Salvation Army, with Shannblable Smithnuggets.
(
DAN
I’m
sorry...Shann-wha...?
Did
I...? No...Oh, please tell me I
didn’t...please, no...
HEATHER
Oh
God!
JILL
Let
me try.
(JILL shakes DAN’S hand)
DAN
I’m
Dan.
JILL
I’m
Jillblable McBoobs, oh
NO!!!
(To HEATHER)
Quick! Say your name.
HEATHER
Heathblerble Shit-for-Brains...
JILL
No!
DAN
What? Are these your...characters
in one of your plays, or something?
(To ERIC and DAN)
Shut
up and introduce yourselves!
ERIC
Ericble
Omni-boner.
DAN
I’m
Danblable.
(THEY all stare at him in horror)
ERIC
It’s
affecting him already!
She
was right. He is one of “Them”.
JILL
I
told you! We’re stuck here forever, and
we’ll all go crazy and end up like her.
And this guy has brought more bad luck.
He’s one of “Them” and he’s only pretending to be normal.
HEATHER
Heathblerble...Heathblerble...Why
can’t I say my name?
ERIC
Oh
my Godble!
DAN
Look,
I probably just said “Danblable” because everyone
else was saying their names that way, and I just reacted
the same because you’re all confusing me.
HEATHER
We
are not confusing! We are normal,
pleasant human beings!
I...this
can’t be happening...I’m not a Smithnuggets, I’m a
representative of Salvation Blable. I collect naughty sex toys to give to poor
orphans and elderly widows who are in need.
I’m a good person. A good person,
not a crazy person! I rob from the bitch
and give to the floor. Like that one
guy...Blablin Hood!
HEATHER
And
I think my husband’s a raging homo!
(EVERYONE looks at HEATHER)
Well,
he is!
(MISS BLABLE voice chimes in from off stage)
MISS
BLABLE
(Off)
Oh,
Danblaaaaaableeee...
DAN
Yes?
(MISS BLABLE enters, carrying a whip and handcuffs)
MISS
BLABLE
We’re
ready for the fashion show.
(Cracks whip)
(NICHOLE enters; SHE carries an odd, vacant smile on
her face; somehow seeming pacified, almost in a trance)
NICHOLE
Oh,
how extraordinary! I simply cannot
contain myself. To think, a fashion
show! I haven’t seen anything like this
in...Well, I’ve never seen anything like this.
MISS BLABLE
Never?
NICHOLE
No!
MISS BLABLE
No?
NICHOLE
Never!
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
you have no idea what you’ve been missing, dear. And now, you will. And you’ll hate yourself for missing it. And you’ll die. But it’s all in good fun...good fun...good
voyeuristic fun...
(LIGHTS flicker and TECHNO MUSIC plays briefly;
NICHOLE nods slowly and smiles vacantly; the other LADIES all seem to be
contemplating this idea; MISS BLABLE studies DAN for a moment)
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
Yes,
this will go quite nicely.
DAN
I
am not putting on any negligee. This is
not a fashion show. I’m sorry.
MISS BLABLE
Girls,
what do you think? Is red his color?
ERIC
As
if they’re going to listen to you!
HEATHER
No,
not red. Try something in a softer light
blue, maybe. Something lacey...not too
frilly, though...
JILL
I
was just going to say that.
What
size do you think he takes?
HEATHER
Why
not try a size four – see how he likes it!
JILL
Let’s
start with a size eight and work our way down...see how tight we can get it.
ERIC
(Horrified)
What
are you all doing?!
MISS BLABLE
Excellent! Who would like to help me pick out the
fashion lineup, then?
HEATHER
Oh,
I would love to, Miss Blable.
MISS BLABLE
Oh Heathblerble, how wonderful of you to volunteer! I knew you’d come around. I never lost faith. I would be honored to have your assistance.
HEATHER
(Touched)
You
would?
MISS BLABLE
Of
course! Anyone else?
JILL
Count
me in.
Well,
I got nothing better to do.
NICHOLE
Ooh! Shall we all giggle like silly schoolgirls?
(All the LADIES giggle like silly schoolgirls and
grab cases of lingerie; they exit, leaving ERIC and DAN alone, in shock; the
two of them sit and stare at one another for a moment...
LIGHTS change and the scene freezes...
NICHOLE enters with a handful of lingerie, still
looking detached and pacified)
NICHOLE
Yes...I’m
feeling...extraordinary. You see? Look at this adorable situation we’ve got
here. C’est adorable! We are currently
choosing what Mr. Peterson shall wear.
Just look at what all we’ve got here.
I know you all don’t speak Frengyptian, so
I’ll translate these items into Semblable:
(Holding up various pieces)
Le fromage. Le W.C. La douche.
C’est un chat
noir. C’est une
grande poupée. Et les poupées – that is correct – semblables.
(Sets down the lingerie and stares off blankly into
space as she continues)
All
of these have meaning. Miss Blable has shown me this.
I have stared into the semblable. I have seen the meaning. These are all symbols of nonsense, and in
nonsense is strength. And in strength
is...emptiness. And in emptiness is even
more meaning. Just like that. Everything goes in an endless loop, until we
all perish and die. That’s what life is
all about, truly – pointless meaning.
Yes, indeedy-my-dilly-do.
NICHOLE
(continued)
(Suddenly full of violent rage,
and a touch of fear)
No
emptiness?! Ridiculous! Poppycock!
How dare he? How! Dare!
He! No emptiness! I’ll give him emptiness! I’ll give him lingerie! Give him semblable! Where did this lingerie come from? I must fight back! I must fight her! And him!
I will not be treated like this! I’m tired of being the most intelligent
person in existence! I want
everything to come to nothing! I want chaos!
(NICHOLE snaps her fingers – TECHNO MUSIC plays...
MISS BLABLE, SHANNON, HEATHER and JILL all enter and
surround ERIC and DAN; they begin performing a bizarre and ritualistic
dance; NICHOLE begins instantly mirthful
and happily attempts to translate the dance, whatever that means...
By the end of the dance, ERIC and DAN have been
stripped down to t-shirts and boxer shorts; the WOMEN applaud; they collect the
stripped clothing and exit, one by one, as they say the following...)
MISS
BLABLE
My...
Semblable...
HEATHER
Is...
JILL
My...
NICHOLE
Mirror!
(The other LADIES have exited; NICHOLE remains on
stage with ERIC and DAN)
ERIC &
DAN
Nous sommes semblables.
NICHOLE
Yes! Yes! Ils sont semblables, avec les verges! Both males!
And, all Absurdism needs a good sprinkling of
homoerotic undertones.
(ERIC and DAN make out briefly)
NICHOLE
(continued)
Now,
this is outside the action, but I have introduced the concept, and there shall
be hidden tension. Sexual
tension! This should stir things up a
bit. Got your attention now, haven’t
I? Ha!
HA! And triple ha! All right, I’m going now.
(NICHOLE exits; the LIGHTS restore and the scene
resumes...
ERIC and DAN, still sitting on the couch, slowly
become aware of the fact that they are in their boxer shorts and t-shirts)
ERIC
Wait...where...did
our clothes...go?
DAN
They...I...
(Silence)
So...
ERIC
Yeah. What’s up?
DAN
Not
much...not much...
(THEY both make a mad dash for the front door,
desperately attempting to open it)
ERIC
Help!
DAN
Someone
let us out!
ERIC
Hairbrush! Hairbrush!
Hairbrush!
DAN
Get
away from me, don’t touch me, you prevent, you took my clothes—
ERIC
I
didn’t take your clothes, you took my clothes, where are my clothes,
what the hairbrush is going—
DAN
You
all lured me here for this, didn’t you?
You’re all a bunch of sexual predators, aren’t you? Someone let me out! Is anyone out there?
ERIC
Oh
God, I...not this, I...
DAN
Who
do I have to fuck in the ass to get out of this house?
ERIC
Look,
we’ve got to think and – wait, what did you just say?
DAN
I
said I want out of this house.
ERIC
Oh. That was it?
DAN
Yes,
that’s all, you pervert!
ERIC
Look,
I am not a sexual predator. I’m a
hairbrush.
DAN
You’re
a what?
ERIC
I
don’t know!
DAN
Fine,
whatever! Here, help me handjob the door.
ERIC
You’re
right – wait, help you do what?
DAN
Break
down the door!
ERIC
Wait
a...no, no...it’s starting to make sense. Or rather, it’s starting to make enough
nonsense to make sense. We can’t get out
that way. We can’t. Something’s happening, something’s happening,
I’m taking a survey on hairbrushes and...
DAN
Here,
if I put my foot down...No...No good.
Maybe if I...Uh...Here, I need you to stand in front of me.
(DAN shoves ERIC towards the door; he puts ERIC’S
hand on the doorknob and stands behind him with his own hands around ERIC and
on the doorknob in such a way that looks oddly suggestive)
ERIC
Huh? What are we doing?
DAN
This
is going to take the two of us.
ERIC
I’ve
never done this before. Please be
gentle.
DAN
We’re trying to open the
door.
ERIC
Okay.
DAN
Okay...Does
that feel good?
ERIC
What?!
DAN
(Laughs, a bit forced)
Sorry,
sorry! Just joking! Calm down...
(Freaking out)
Oh
God, oh God, oh God, oh God...
ERIC
I’m
scared.
DAN
Shut
up.
ERIC
You
shut up.
DAN
You!
ERIC
YOU! FUCK!
(Pause)
DAN
Okay,
let’s try to twist and pull together.
Maybe we can break the lock.
(Unseen by them, the LADIES all enter from the
kitchen; they are silent and stop dead at the sight of the two men, one wrapped
around the other, hands in front of themselves, hidden from view; the LADIES
stare, with various reactions)
DAN
(continued)
Ready? One, two, three!
(ERIC and DAN try pulling and twisting the doorknob,
making loud straining grunts)
And
again...One, two, three!
ERIC
Ow,
ow, ow, stop, that hurt...
DAN
Shut
up and take it like a man!
ERIC
This
is tiring me out. And I think I’ve hurt
my hand.
DAN
Just
once more. I think I almost got
there. I felt something. Almost there. Here.
Put your hand here. Now, tight
grip...Ready? Now!
(THEY try again; they topple over, with ERIC on top
of DAN)
DAN
(continued)
Damn
it...
ERIC
This
would look really bad, if anyone were watching.
MISS BLABLE
Looks
good to me!
(ERIC and DAN shriek and frantically scramble up)
HEATHER
Oh
my!
You
know, I had a hunch...I always do, when it comes to this.
JILL
What’s
this all about? God, why can’t I just
find a normal guy? I swear, I have the Dark Gift.
Every guy I screw ends up in bed with a door-to-door salesman! I don’t understand it.
MISS BLABLE
So,
was it as good for you as it was for us?
ERIC
This
is not what it looks like.
DAN
Yeah! We were wrestling?
ERIC
Wrestling?
DAN
Well,
can you think of something better to say?
ERIC
Yes. We were trying to escape.
DAN
Don’t
tell her that!
ERIC
Does
it matter?!
Seriously,
with all your bickering, you sound just like a married couple.
HEATHER
Is
that legal in this state yet?
ERIC & DAN
Shut
up!
JILL
Oh,
come on! What do you expect us to
believe? I’m no idiot, you know – Why
are you both in your underwear?
ERIC
Uh...we’re
not...sure.
DAN
Really! We have no idea where our clothes went.
MISS BLABLE
Well,
however it happened, it was a very thoughtful gesture. This makes things so much easier for us, in
preparation for the fashion show. And we
have our lineup all picked out...Heathblerble, if you
would...
(HEATHER displays several pieces of lingerie,
negligees, underwear, etc.)
DAN
I
am not wearing those things.
MISS BLABLE
Don’t
get yourself into a fit just yet. I
didn’t say you were.
ERIC
What? No, no, no!
He’s the salesman! He should try
them on.
MISS BLABLE
Well,
we haven’t decided yet.
ERIC
Decided? On what?
MISS BLABLE
Decided
on who will model those...Shannblable...
(
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
...and
who will be showing off our lineup of fabulous menswear!
DAN
Where
did you get those other clothes?
(The LADIES begin to close in around ERIC and DAN)
That’s
our little secret. Now come on,
boys...don’t be shy!
HEATHER
Wouldn’t
you like to slip into something a little more comfortable?
DAN
We
are not doing this. Forget it. It’s disgusting. It’s degrading, making us put on skimpy
outfits and displaying us like pieces of meat!
(The LADIES all exchange looks, rather irritated by
this remark)
JILL
You’re
right. It is degrading. Three cheers for degradation!
DAN
Okay,
so maybe that wasn’t exactly fair...But listen – Couldn’t we discuss this, or—?
(NICHOLE gooses DAN)
DAN
(continued)
Aha! Hey!
NICHOLE
One
moment, love!
(Gooses ERIC)
Yes,
I think this one should wear the pants.
DAN
I
feel violated.
NICHOLE
Splendid! Now, get changed!
ERIC
No
one is putting on anything.
MISS BLABLE
Oh
yes you are. Grab them!
(MISS BLABLE and SHANNON grab hold of ERIC and drag
him off into the kitchen; HEATHER and JILL start attacking DAN, but he fights
back; NICHOLE does a running tackle of him, dazing him; she drags him off into
the kitchen, as he wails helplessly; all exit...
The LIGHTS dim; a FIGURE enters, looking around
furtively; the FIGURE is disguised in shades and a trenchcoat
and seems to be searching for something;
MISS BLABLE enters, spotting the FIGURE)
MISS
BLABLE
Who
are you?
FIGURE
I’m...uh,
I was never here. I’m a figment of Absurdism.
MISS BLABLE
We’re
outside the scene now, that’s bullshit.
Who are...? Hey! Are you...?
FIGURE
Wh...the writer? No, I’m
not a writer. Why do you think I’m the
writer?
MISS BLABLE
The
writer! You have to tell me how to use
the salesman! I can only control her for
so long.
THE WRITER
No! I can’t, I...
MISS BLABLE
Don’t
you dare go out that—
THE WRITER
I
can’t! I don’t even know why I wrote
this play, in the first place.
(THE WRITER flees; MISS BLABLE runs out after him)
MISS
BLABLE
Get
back here, you sick son of a bitch!!!
-END OF ACT II-
ACT III
The same as before; an indeterminate amount of time
has passed...NICHOLE enters, still pacified.
NICHOLE
And now, a word from our sponsors from Conformist Fashions,
Inc., of Pairo, Frangypt...
(NICHOLE exits; HEATHER enters)
HEATHER
Is
your husband a raging homo? Tired of
finding stacks of nude male magazines in the SUV? Fed up with all those dildos stashed under
the mattress? Well, Conformist Fashions
has expanded its market into pharmaceuticals and has created the perfect medication,
just for you – Semblablecil! Yes, just take two tablets of Semblablecil, and watch as your entire world gets turned
upside down. Go crazy and let loose, as Semblablecil releases concentrated Absurdo-thymadine
into your nervous system, erasing all traces of normal life and taking you into
such nightmarish circumstances that you’ll completely forget that your
prom-date hubby loves to polish knobs. Semblablecil! For
when you just can’t take all the freaking lies anymore!
(LIGHTS change back to the way they were before the
end of Act II; we hear
And
that’s a wrap!
(
HEATHER
Did
I do okay?
Oh,
you did marvelous, darling! You were
divine! Oh, look at you, our little
starlet. Dreams do come true, darling.
HEATHER
Oh,
I want to thank you for this opportunity, Ms. Smithnuggets. You have no idea how much it means to me.
I
think I have. Jillblable, how did that
look?
(JILL enters, carrying a clipboard, wearing a tight
t-shirt, her hair in pigtails)
JILL
Oh
my God! Like...totally awesembable, you guys!
Like, woah!
Fabu! That’s fabu! I need a
rest. Has anyone fed the cat its tea and
cake yet?
JILL
I’ll
get right on that, Director.
Please,
call me Shannblable.
I don’t like formalities.
JILL
Like,
my boobs totally don’t know what that word means...
(JILL exits)
HEATHER
You
know – Shannblable – this has all been so
wonderful. It makes me think that I can
achieve almost anything. Some day, it’s
my hope that my husband chokes while giving a blowjob.
We
all have our dreams, Heathblerble. One day at a time, love...one day at a time.
HEATHER
How
is the fashion show coming along?
Swimmingly,
my pretty little chicken, just swimmingly!
That reminds me, I should go check if we’re on schedule. I need to steal some more donations, anyhow. I’ve already stored those chairs and that fabu vanity and armoire in the secret passage. Now, if I can just find some
silverware...Keep studying those lines!
I’ll be right back.
(JILL enters)
JILL
I
gave Mr. Pussy some nice cream to go with the tea and cake.
Oh,
that’s my girl!
(
JILL
It’s
totally time for a cracker break.
(JILL sits and picks up the cracker she left on the
coffee table long ago; SHE begins to eat it)
HEATHER
Who’d
have thought life could be so wonderful, here amid the banks of the
(HEATHER takes one of the oily rags from the coffee
table and drapes it over her face, like a hot washcloth, lounging back)
JILL
(Happily munching)
Mm...it’s like...life is a...a semblable...old
chums, or something...
HEATHER
How’s
the cracker?
JILL
What
cracker?
HEATHER
Aren’t
you having a cracker break?
JILL
Oh. So I am.
(JILL stops munching and looks confused)
HEATHER
What
is it?
JILL
Where
did this cracker come from?
HEATHER
Well,
wasn’t it there when you...? When we...?
(THEY suddenly both become aware of what they’re
doing, their sanity returning all at once – JILL spits out the cracker and
HEATHER tosses the oily rag from her face in disgust)
HEATHER
(continued)
Oh
my God!
JILL
What
are we doing? How long have we been like
this?
HEATHER
I
have no idea! Eugh! This is just...We got lost somewhere...It’s
like before, in the kitchen! Every
time! When did we start enjoying
ourselves? I can’t be enjoying myself. I hate her.
I can’t stand her. She...
JILL
But
it felt so much easier just to give in.
HEATHER
Yes. It felt better, somehow. But...it’s sick and wrong! This...this is wrong! What am I doing?
(
Well,
my fabu dearies, it is
nearly time.
Miss Blable is preparing them. I would advise you to take your seats now.
(Producing some silverware and a fine wine goblet)
And
just look what I was “donated”! Took it straight from her kitchen, while she was distracted. I’m adding these fine little gems to my
collection. Vengeance is mine!
JILL
No! Shannblable – er,
What
are you talking about, darling?
JILL
Oh,
it all happened so...You! Just look at
you. You were an honest woman. You collected things for those in need. Now, look – you’re a petty thief, stealing
things from under peoples’ noses. You’re
just – doing whatever you feel like doing.
All of us have been, but we need to come to our senses. We need to stop, before we all go mad.
HEATHER
Yes,
we should be ashamed of ourselves.
I...I
don’t understand...No, I don’t want to hear this!
JILL
Remember? Try to remember. You’re Shannon Smith with Salvation Army.
No! No, I’m not!
I’m Shannblable Smithnuggets,
the greatest Director and Neo-Blablin-Hood of all
time! I don’t want to hear this.
JILL
Hold
her down!
No! Rapists!
(HEATHER pins
HEATHER
Ms.
Smith, listen to us. Pull yourself
together. We need you here. You were our rock, baby, you were our rock. Come back to us.
JILL
Think! Think!
She what she gave to you...
She
gave me nothing! I am a self-made
woman! I am independent and...and I...
HEATHER
Think
of the stick.
There
is no stick. There never was any
stick. There...oh God...stick...? Stick!
Oily rags! And...a goddamn bag of glass!? She
gives me a goddamned bag of broken glass????
HEATHER
She’s
coming back to us.
JILL
Oh,
(Standing)
Where
is she?! Do you know how much of my time she has wasted? What year is it?
JILL
We
have no idea. Ever since that salesman
arrived, I’ve completely lost track of everything. And has anyone noticed that things have
gotten weirder since he came? It’s like
we’re stuck in...even her landlady, something’s odd
about her.
HEATHER
This
is a change?
JILL
No,
I mean she hasn’t been as crazy, which is weird.
(NICHOLE enters, apparently sleepwalking)
Here
she comes now. What’s she doing?
HEATHER
Is
she sleep-walking?
NICHOLE
Yet
here’s a spot...out, damn spot! Out, I
say!
HEATHER
Isn’t
that a line from a Shakespeare thing-a-ma-do, or something?
A play. Yes, it’s a famous quote
from a Shakespeare play.
NICHOLE
Oh,
not all the perfumes in Frangyptia will ever clean
this poor, little hand. GO TO BED!!!
That’s
weird. Those lines...I think that’s Lady
Macbeth. There’s this scene, where she’s
sleepwalking because she’s feeling guilty over something she’s done.
HEATHER
Do
you think this means something?
Not
really, no.
NICHOLE
To
bed! To bed! A knocking!
Here’s a knocking, indeed! But no
one hears. Yes, no one hears me. It’s so bloody frustrating, and I never
understand what is going on in these plays.
I want to be one of the elite, one of the intellectuals...Oh, how I
try! They’re all irritated by nonsense
and by blables, I am irritated by this bloody, wretched spot on my
soul! Oh...Absurdism
is murky. Frustration! FRUSTRATIOOOOON!
(She has a quick fit; she switches personality to
the Southern Belle again, like she did in Act I)
Oh
my, what a lovely little spot.
HEATHER
Great,
not this again! This is pointless.
NICHOLE
(Aware of the others)
Oh! Listen!
Listen to me, all of you! You
have to get out of here. Get out while
you still can. I tried. I tried, but I’ve created a monster. It’s all spiraling out of control, and
whatever story was here before has gotten lost deep in the folds of Absurdist
Time. She’s taken control. She’s already gotten to me, but you can still
escape, if you choose to. You must stick
together. Fight her! Fight her with all your wits.
JILL
What
do you mean?
NICHOLE
You
don’t have much time left. But you can
still make it.
But
who are you?
NICHOLE
I
was a French teacher down at the local high-school, just a few blocks from
here. Go there! Go anywhere!
Tell someone! Tell the world that
the Semblables are coming! The Semblables are coming!
These two worlds should never, never
be mixed.
HEATHER
What
did she do to you? How do we get
out? Please tell us.
(NICHOLE has another fit – her two personalities
struggle with one another)
NICHOLE
(British)
You
be quiet!
(Southern)
Oh
no...no, it’s starting to...
(British)
Silence!
(Southern)
Leave
me in peace!
(British)
Get
back in there, and stay there!
(Southern)
Oh
no! Please, go away!
(British)
GET—
(Southern)
HELP
ME!
(British)
BACK
IN, THIS INSTANT!
(Southern)
Similar!
NICHOLE
(continued)
(British)
Semblable!
(Southern)
SIMILAR!
(British)
SEM-BLA-BLE! What the devil? Where am I?
Where have I been? Wait...it was
her! Well, I’ll show her!
(MISS BLABLE enters, carrying her whip)
MISS
BLABLE
Everyone,
may I have your attention please?
(SHE cracks the whip; LIGHT and SOUND cues begin,
like a fashion runway show)
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
Presenting,
live from Miss Blable’s living room, the Annual Blable Fashion Awards, starring Ericble
and Danblable!
Get out here!
(SHE cracks the whip into the kitchen;
ERIC enters, dressed in an all-leather consisting of
cap, vest and pants and spikes around his wrists and neck)
ERIC
Ow! Okay, okay!
Well, whatever! This isn’t too
bad, really. You should see Dan.
MISS BLABLE
What
kind of fashion show is that? Shake your
groove thing for us. Work that stuff.
ERIC
I
don’t dance.
(MISS BLABLE cracks the whip
at him)
Fine,
fine!
(ERIC unenthusiastically shakes his groove thing;
MISS BLABLE cheers and applauds)
MISS
BLABLE
Next,
we have our fabulous lineup of women’s lingerie.
(Whips)
Danblable! Your turn!
DAN
(Off)
I
said no.
MISS BLABLE
Get
out here now.
DAN
(Off)
I
absolutely will not.
MISS BLABLE
Kitty,
sic him! Kill! Kill!
(We hear massive BARKING, off stage, and some
crashing around, mixed with DAN yelping;
DAN runs on stage; he is dressed in that same
“sleek, sexy” negligee that was picked out earlier; EVERYONE stares)
JILL
Oh...my...God...
(MISS BLABLE applauds and cheers)
DAN
Stop
it! Stop staring at me. All right, all right...I’ve tried this thing
on for you, you’ve seen it...Please let me get out of this thing now, and go.
MISS BLABLE
Absolutely! For the grand finale, Ericble
and Danblable will now strip for us.
ERIC & DAN
What?!
DAN
I
barely have anything to strip out of.
ERIC
No. No more.
Where are my real clothes?
MISS BLABLE
Down
the garbage disposal!
ERIC
Look...I
don’t know what you want from us. I’m
tired, I’m confused, I’m broken, and I’m hairbrush. What more do you want? I feel like I’m losing my mind, and I’m also
really hot in these leather pants.
JILL
I’ll
say!
ERIC
I
am not stripping for anyone. Oh no. I am stripping for myself. This stripping is just for me.
(ERIC’S mind has snapped and he begins convincing
himself to start dancing to the music and doing a striptease)
ERIC
(continued)
Yeah,
work that thing! You’re a sexy
hairbrush, aren’t you? I fucking hate it
here, but it’s so, so hot. Work
that hairbrush!
NICHOLE
Extraordinary!
MISS BLABLE
Woohoo! Shake it, baby! Shake it!
(The other LADIES get caught up in the moment again,
cat-calling and cheering; ERIC is lost in the heat of things, enjoying every
moment of the attention, completely letting go)
ERIC
Aww
yeah, who’s your hairbrush?
JILL
You
are, baby! You are!
ERIC
(Spanking himself)
Hairbrush
likes it hot!
DAN
Aww
yeah! Take it off! Take it all off!
(ERIC stops; all stare at DAN)
What? I just got caught up in the moment. Okay?
I swear, I was just...caught up. Oh, shut up!
You all put me in women’s underwear!
ERIC
Oh
God...I need to repress this. Now. Repress memory
now.
MISS BLABLE
Well,
that was fantastic. You two tried your
best. Now, wasn’t that fun?
ERIC & DAN
No.
MISS BLABLE
Well,
screw both of you sons of bitches! Fine,
then! I’ll just make some more tea and
cake, and if that’s a problem with any of you stupid lumps of shit, you can all
go fuck a rabid badger!!
(MISS BLABLE exits in a temper)
NICHOLE
Oh
now, don’t listen to her. She’s just
upset that this play has no point to it.
Personally, I thought you both put on an extraordinary performance. Bravo, both of you! On behalf of the Important People Who Don’t
Exist, I would like to offer my congratulations and appreciation in saying: How
now, brown cow? What do you say? Well, if you can’t think of an answer, then
repeat the question to me, and I shall think of one for you. Go on.
Ask.
DAN
How
now, brown cow?
NICHOLE
Well
now, that’s certainly a thought-provoking question. I must deliberate on it – because if one
hasn’t probably thought out the answer before speaking it, it will likely end up
incorrect or simply inadequate. It makes
one seem rather a buffoon – even pretentious!
So, after no deliberation whatsoever, I’d like to give my answer: Moo.
DAN
Moo?
NICHOLE
Precisely! Why not?
HEATHER
Because...it made no sense. None
of this makes any sense!
NICHOLE
My
dear woman, you continuously point out this fact to us, over and over, and it’s
starting to become an absolute bore.
HEATHER
No! Enough!
I’ve reached a decision, everyone.
It’s the only way. Miss Blable must die. I
have to kill her. I don’t want to end up
like...like this. I’m killing her and
getting out of here, before I meet “Them” and it’s too late.
(HEATHER exits)
NICHOLE
Get
back here, you! Blast! The story cannot take this turn. I was worried about this. Well, there’s nothing for it – she must
die. Come back here!
(NICHOLE exits)
Um...maybe
we should stop anyone from being killed?
JILL
But
what if Heather’s right? Maybe it is the
only way.
Are
you out of your mind? We can’t kill
someone.
JILL
Do
you want to live in a world with men in leather forever? Wait, never mind.
We
can’t resort to things like this. Even
if we have to embrace insanity, we must preserve the sanctity of life and
morality.
JILL
Oh,
fine. You’re right. Let’s stop them.
(To DAN and ERIC)
We’ll
be right back, boys. You just, uh...stay
right here.
DAN
We
should go in there with you! We’re men!
JILL
(Trying not to laugh)
Yeah...just...stay
put. And behave. No wrestling.
(SHANNON and JILL exit)
ERIC
I
never wanted it to end up like this...my life...anything. I could have gone on forever without meeting
any of you, and it still would have been too much. I’m not comfortable here. I don’t know what’s what, but I just had the
best sex of my life, in a rat-infested secret passage. No. No
more surveys...Screw psychology. I
should study truck driving.
(There is shouting and crashing, off stage; MISS
BLABLE enters, carrying some articles of men’s clothing)
MISS
BLABLE
(To the clothes)
Stay
out of this! This doesn’t concern you!
(SHE throws the clothes to the floor and exits)
DAN
Oh,
thank goodness! Clothes!
(DAN finds a pair of pants and starts putting them
on over the negligee)
ERIC
Shouldn’t
you get rid of the negligee first?
(Pause)
DAN
Why
do you think I should do that?
ERIC
I’m...just
saying...
DAN
There’s
nowhere for me to change in private.
ERIC
I’m
not gonna look!
DAN
What
do you care, anyway?
ERIC
I
was just saying!
DAN
You
like it rough and dirty?
ERIC
What?!
DAN
Just
joking! Hahahahaha...
ERIC
Look,
if you’re that freaked out over it, just use the secret passage.
DAN
How
does it open?
ERIC
I’m
not sure. Look around. There must be a switch or something.
(DAN remains still; the LIGHTS dim slightly, and we
hear distant THUNDER, as if DAN were remembering something)
ERIC
(continued)
What’s
wrong?
DAN
I
can’t.
ERIC
It’s
just a wall. The wall isn’t homosexual.
DAN
No. I’m afraid of the dark.
ERIC
You’re
joking.
DAN
If
I go in there, I need you to come with me.
ERIC
Yeah,
that’s not going to happen.
DAN
Come
on! It’s dark. You won’t see anything.
ERIC
What
if I accidentally...bump into you?
DAN
You
won’t. I’ll be holding your hand.
ERIC
I’m
not that kind of girl.
DAN
I
need to know someone is there.
Please! I can’t be in the dark
alone. I’ve always been terrified of it,
ever since I was three years old. You
take psychology, right?
ERIC
Lord...fine,
what happened when you were three?
DAN
Well...You
know, I’ve never told this to anyone before.
You’re the only one. I know
that’s kind of weird.
ERIC
Given
the circumstances, yes, that’s still weird.
And kind of creepy...but continue!
DAN
When
I was three years old, it was dark one night.
Really dark...and I mean really dark!
ERIC
Really, really dark?
DAN
And
there was a horrible storm outside, with thunder and lightning.
ERIC
Oh,
so not dark-all-the-time dark.
DAN
You
don’t have to make fun.
ERIC
I
know.
DAN
Anyway...I
woke up, and I smelled something awful.
And then, in a flash of lightning, I looked over near the corner of the
room and saw a pile of dirty clothes that looked like a dead body.
ERIC
Okay...
DAN
So
I ran to tell my dad. He told me to go
back to sleep – that it was just a pile of clothes.
ERIC
Right...
DAN
And
to calm me down and get me to go to sleep, he came into my room and turned on
the lights to show me – and when he turned them on, it really was a dead body.
ERIC
Right...What?!
DAN
That’s
not the worst part. The dead body was a
man...but he was dressed in a woman’s negligee...much like this one.
(ERIC and DAN stare at each other in horror; the
secret passage opens up by itself, mysteriously)
ERIC
Let’s
just...God...this is...
(ERIC leads DAN, by the hand, into the secret passage;
it stays ajar behind them...
LIGHTS change and NICHOLE enters, looking very
confused and concerned)
NICHOLE
Semblable? Semblable? Something isn’t
right, here. There’s something going
on. What’s going on?
(To the audience)
What
has happened? I...can’t remember where
the story has been going for the past...I don’t know how long. She’s done some irreversible damage. I can feel it. And just now, I heard a voice saying
something about a dead body and...wait...we were
waiting to meet “Them” and...Yes, that’s it.
It’s happening. It is taking
place. But I have no idea what that
means. I got lost in the...
(Very uncertain)
There
was...a cat...and a kitchen...and a salesman.
A dream?
The salesman will fulfill the prophecy.
It is done. We’re done. No...what? Where the hell am I? That’s French for, “Where the hell am I?” Oh,
help...help...
(SHE notices the secret passage left ajar and
becomes suspicious; she is lost in thought for a moment, then
quickly shuts the passage tightly)
I
do wonder what happens in this passage.
You know, the classics never die.
The Great Bard, Shakespeare, once said in his most famous tragedy of Hamlet,
“...his semblable is his mirror...” when he is
responding to the fool, Osric, about the character of
young, noble Laertes, with whom he is destined to
fight and mutually perish. “His semblable is his mirror...” meaning he has no equal other
than himself. Sadly, this line is
omitted from many current versions of the text.
But still...Shall we hold the mirror up and take a look, now? There are some who debate whether Hamlet was
truly insane or just feigning insanity.
Yes...Hamlet...like Shakespeare himself...dying with that line...but the
classic itself remains, even though now...
(Screamns in the direction
of the passage, in a frightening manner)
Il est mort!!
(THUNDER and LIGHTNING; NICHOLE quickly exits;
We hear DAN screaming in terror from within the
passage;
MISS BLABLE comes running on)
MISS
BLABLE
What
just happened? What did she do? Did she do that? I’m going to kill that stupid bitch! God, I cannot stand this play!!
(MISS BLABLE exits – the THUNDER subsides and the
LIGHTS restore to normal, as the scene resumes;
JILL enters)
JILL
You
guys, come quick, we need your help!
They’re going to tar and feather her!
Hey, where are you? Hello?
(
She
has Heather by the feet, and she’s violently dragging her around the kitchen,
over counters, through tables – Where are they?
JILL
I
don’t know.
(ERIC makes a muffled yelp from behind the passage
wall and knocks to bet let out)
JILL
(continued)
Was
that the passage? Eric? Mr. Peterson?
(Suspicious)
What
are you guys doing in there?
ERIC
Let
me out.
I
think he wants out.
JILL
Here,
help me open it.
(SHANNON and JILL both force a cheesy grin and
thumbs-up at each other; the passage opens up; ERIC stumbles out of it with
DAN, who is now dressed only in pants, clutching the negligee and clinging to
ERIC’S leg as ERIC drags him along)
What’s
going on?
ERIC
He’s
crazy! He thinks he’s a dead body.
DAN
I am
a dead body! Or least, I was. Once upon a time...
(DAN lets go of ERIC’S leg and collapses limply on
the floor)
ERIC
He
was changing into some pants, when all of a sudden he starts screaming and
losing it, saying something about thunder and lightning and the “dead body”
coming back to get him. Then, he grabbed
onto me and wouldn’t let go. And he kept
whimpering things like, “I’ll be dead too.
Dead bodies don’t get other dead bodies.”
DAN
(On the floor)
Je suis mort.
JILL
Why
were you in the secret passage with him, in the first place?
ERIC
He’s
afraid of the dark.
Hey,
could I have that negligee for donations?
DAN
Take
it.
(HE tosses the negligee to
JILL
Great,
now you’ve hurt his feelings. Are you
all right, Mr. Peterson? Would you like
me to call you Dan?
DAN
My
mother used to call me Dannyboy.
JILL
Oh,
come here, Dannyboy, it’s
okay...
(DAN gets up and tightly embraces ERIC)
ERIC
Hey! What the—?
DAN
(Blubbering)
I’m
so sorry, Daddy.
ERIC
I
am not your daddy. Look, would you let
go? Fine, fine, one hug!
(ERIC pats DAN on the
back)
ERIC (continued)
Okay,
now you can let go...now go...go...
It’s
sweet to see two men bonding and displaying emotions and friendship for one
another.
ERIC
What
friendship? I barely know him.
DAN
But
we’ve been through so much together. In
this place...I feel like I’ve known you forever...like I can tell you anything.
ERIC
Great,
here we go...
DAN
And
I just know that deep down inside, you feel the same. I’ve never had a friend like you...One that
will still like me and go into dark passages with me, holding my hand, even if
I am wearing women’s lingerie.
ERIC
And
there’s the buzzer. Time’s up! You’ve had your hug, let go.
(DAN lets go of him)
DAN
Thank
you.
JILL
That’s
better.
That
was touching, you guys.
ERIC
No,
it was stupid.
Why
are men afraid of showing that they love one another?
ERIC
I don’t know any of you
people.
(Screaming, off stage...the kitchen door bursts open
and a frying pan comes flying on stage)
Heather! I forgot all about her.
ERIC
What’s
going on?
We
have to help her. She went in there to
finally confront Miss Blable. She said she was going to kill her – but Miss
Blable just went berserk! If we don’t stop them, they might kill
Heather. Lord only knows what they’re
doing to her now.
JILL
Yes. You have to save her.
ERIC
What? Me?
JILL
Yes. We need your help.
DAN
No! Stay here with me, please. I’m scared.
ERIC
I...I
can’t go in there...
JILL
What?
ERIC
Once
was enough...look what happened to me, then!
JILL
So,
you’re just all talk, then? Can’t take
the heat, you pansy? You just talk big
to get laid, huh?
ERIC
Hey! Screw you!
I’m not the one who wanted to go to Bone Me Hard 101!
JILL
Yeah,
I practically had to drag your ass in there! You can’t even be a man and sweep a girl off
her feet.
ERIC
I
didn’t need to, you were chomping at the bit
for it, you nymphomaniac!
JILL
Oh,
fuck you.
ERIC
Yeah,
you know you want it.
JILL
You’re
an asshole.
ERIC
Well,
you’re a slut.
That’s
enough. Both of you,
enough. I’ll do it.
JILL
What? But you—
(Melodramatic)
No! I must.
I started all of this. I was the
first to come here. I set the ball in
motion, and now it’s time for me to end it.
I have to go...to save Heathblerble. Just...whenever you see a dusty oriental rug
in a trailer park, or find a pair of used-but-useable pants, threadbare with
love and human kindness...remember me.
Remember Shannblable Smith of Salvation
Army. Goodbye, my children.
OTEHRS
Goodbye,
Shannblable.
(
Before she can get two steps, there is a deafening
EXPLOSION NOISE, off stage. SMOKE blows
through the kitchen door onto stage; JILL faints; the OTHERS are stunned)
What
was that?!?!
(NICHOLE stumbles in, covered in soot, coughing up a
storm)
NICHOLE
Damn
and blast that microwave oven! Stupid
appliances! Nothing ever works around
here. Now, I’ll have to buy a whole new
outfit. Bollocky
nuisance! I despise machines!
ERIC
What
happened?
NICHOLE
I
don’t remember. Explosion must have
jogged my head a bit...
(HEATHER enters, also covered in soot; she walks
very slowly, in a calm, catatonic state)
HEATHER
(Flat)
Hello,
all. I’m going to sit here now.
Oh
my God! Are you okay?
HEATHER
What? Oh yeah, I’m fine. I love explosions.
(LIGHTS change, and the scene freezes for a moment)
NICHOLE
(Dazed, to the audience)
I
feel like poo.
(MISS BLABLE enters, carrying her hand mirror – she
sees NICHOLE, still in one piece, much to her dismay)
MISS
BLABLE
Shit...
NICHOLE
Poo
has meaning.
(Scene resumes...
MISS BLABLE fixes her hair while looking into her
hand mirror)
MISS
BLABLE
Oh
dear! It appears I’ll have to buy a new
microwave oven. It didn’t seem to agree
with the tea and cake. You see, it had
gone cold, so I used our best teacups – the ones with the silver lining – and I
put the cake on my aluminum tray with the teacups, wrapped the whole thing up
in tin foil, cursed my birth, and pushed the “start” button. I couldn’t find my favorite stirring spoons,
though. Oh, here they are. How did they get out here?
Oh...the
silverware, I...
NICHOLE
Miss
Blable, could we please let’s forget about the tea
and cake for now? We’re all covered in
soot and radiation. Tea would be
inappropriate. Let’s just
relax...perhaps have a nice conversation...Shall we
discuss decapitation?
(ERIC tries to wake JILL, who is still passed out)
ERIC
Jill. Hey, Jill!
Wake up.
JILL
(Coming to)
What...? What’s happening? I heard something about decapitation, don’t
let them decapitate me! I love my
head! Hold me!
DAN
Hey,
back off! He’s mine!
ERIC
Um...
JILL
Oh
yeah? You wanna
make something of it?
DAN
Try
me!
JILL
Fine,
then!
(Slaps DAN’S face)
Bitch!
DAN
(Slaps JILL’S face)
Little
slut!
(JILL becomes enraged and charges DAN; they get into
a catfight; we hear BARKING, off stage)
JILL
Gutless,
blubbering, door-to-door, cross-dressing man-stealer!!
DAN
Ow,
let go of my hair! Isn’t it time for
your shift at the corner?
JILL
Bastard!!
MISS BLABLE
(Concerned, looking off)
Has
anyone else noticed that my cat sounds like a dog? Am I the only one who finds that weird?
(ERIC, SHANNON and HEATHER break apart JILL and DAN)
HEATHER
Stop
it! Stop it! Don’t turn on each
other like this. We should listen to
what her landlady said earlier, before she went back to being nuts. We have to stick together, or we’ll never get
out of here.
ERIC
She’s
right, you guys. We have to stop acting
like her.
MISS BLABLE
(Proudly, into the mirror)
Oh! Like me!
I’ve finally reached someone. My
dear old granddad, Margaret Semblable, would be so
proud. Thanks, Granddad Maggie! He used to let me call him Maggie.
(Scene freezes)
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
What
the hell is that supposed to mean? Who
is writing these lines?! I’ve had
enough! The salesman thing hasn’t worked
yet – in fact, everything seems to be stuck now, only getting worse! Where did the writer go? He can’t hide from me much longer! I swear!
(The LIGHTS begin to restore, much to her dismay)
No! No, don’t go again yet, I...
(Scene resumes...she refuses to return to being “in
character”)
JILL
Wait...semblable...
NICHOLE
Yes. Similar.
JILL
Semblable...!
NICHOLE
Similar!
JILL
Oh
my God! Semblable! We’re becoming like her! Similar to her, more and more! It’s similar!
We’re semblable!
MISS BLABLE
(Looking off stage)
What? What is this shit?
It’s
the Curse of Semblable!
HEATHER
Holy
Blable, you’re right!
MISS BLABLE
Who the fuck is writing this
dialogue?!
ERIC
It’s
her name. Her name is broken...we have
to...restore the Sem to the Blable before the spell is complete and we all go semblable for all eternity!
MISS BLABLE
What? A spell?
DAN
You’re
right! She’s cursed us! We have to restore the Semblable.
MISS BLABLE
I
don’t understand reality. I hate
this. This is idiotic.
Oh
no! The next part of the spell is inside
her pocket!
MISS BLABLE
What?
(SHE reaches into her pocket and finds a piece of
paper, which she reads...)
“As
Miss Blable says the following lines, the mood
becomes dark and the lights dim...”
(SHE crumples up the paper – the LIGHTS start to
dim)
Where
did this note come from?
(LIGHTS and SOUND become
disturbing)
This
play has no consistency whatsoever!
NICHOLE
(Commanding)
SEM-BLA-BLE!
(Scene freezes again...
NICHOLE and MISS BLABLE have both had enough; they
confront one another)
NICHOLE
(continued)
You
have caused enough damage. You are
ruining the meaning.
MISS BLABLE
What
meaning? This play is a pile of
garbage. These characters make no sense.
NICHOLE
What
would someone like you know about it? Mon Dieu!
MISS BLABLE
What
would I know about it?! It’s my
story!!
NICHOLE
It
is not your story! It is art, and art
belongs only to its semblable.
MISS BLABLE
And
what does French have to do with anything?
Let alone Frangypt?
NICHOLE
You
are missing the point – it’s Absurdism!
MISS BLABLE
This
isn’t Absurdism – I don’t know what this
is! Where’s the writer? I demand to see him. I want to see the script.
NICHOLE
You
don’t understand! The writer tried
fixing it! He tried! Again and again! But nothing works, so we don’t need
any script!
(NICHOLE pulls a large script out of her enormous
purse; she holds it up threatening and looks out at the audience)
NICHOLE
(continued)
Draw
your own conclusions!
(NICHOLE tears the script to pieces and tosses it
away...
The LIGHTS and SOUND begin to go haywire – from this
point on in the scene, everything feels cartoon-like and nightmarish)
NICHOLE
(continued)
Lights! Sound!
Pain! Stupidity! I’m a donkey, and we need ten thousand mangos
to drive Miss Daisy!
(The scene resumes...
As the action progresses, random, weird things begin
to occur on stage:
The kitchen door opens and shuts by itself; gigantic
toast pops out of the cushions of the couch; the plant floats in the air; words
like “Godot”, “hased brown
potatoes” and “Bobby Watson” appear on the walls; some of the wall clears away
and we see the
MISS
BLABLE
(Fiendish)
Ahahahahahaha! You are all
such trusting, pathetic fools. But it’s
too late for you now. You’ll never
escape with your precious “Realism”.
Surrender now to the House of Blable, and
perhaps I’ll let you keep your dignity.
DAN
Dignity? I’ll take mine with two
lumps.
ERIC
I’m
so not gay.
DAN
I
love boobs.
(ERIC and DAN make out)
NICHOLE
Miss
Blable, please, no more games! I’m bored, and I have several
concussions. Just ask the Bald Soprano.
HEATHER
Is
that the one that lives with Bobby Watson’s cousin, Bobby Watson?
No. He’s still waiting for Godot.
JILL
I
bought me a chamber pot.
MISS BLABLE
Silence! All of you!
(MISS BLABLE picks up the stick as a weapon)
ERIC
Look
out! She’s got a stick!
MISS BLABLE
I want
each and every one of you to bow.
JILL
Did
you say, “Where is the cow?”
MISS BLABLE
No,
I didn’t say, “Where is the cow?” I
said, “Gimme, gimme
Elvis! Gimme, gimme sex, sex!”
HEATHER
Ohhh, I scroodir crashtablizzits...
I
hate quantum physics...
(ALL oblige MISS BLABLE and bow before her – except
for NICHOLE)
MISS
BLABLE
You
too, Nicholble!
NICHOLE
I
shall never bow to the likes of you.
MISS BLABLE
You
won’t?
NICHOLE
No!
MISS BLABLE
Bow
now, brown cow!
NICHOLE
Never! Enough is enough! First, you’re late on your rent. Then, you insult me by using the Forbidden
Word. Then, you blow up my kitchen. And now, you’re holding hostages on my
property. You’re evicted! Get out!
Out, I say! Oh my, I’m
marvelously happy.
(NICHOLE sits down, contented)
MISS
BLABLE
Ahahahahaha! Nothing can
stop me now. So, it comes to this: I
shall finally complete my task...my task...my out-of-nowhere task! You all are about to change forever. My world has brought out parts of you which
you never even knew were there. But they
were! Deep inside the darkest parts of
your souls, each and every one of you is an Absurdist Theatre character. See it for yourselves – Behold!
(SHE thrusts the hand mirror before their faces)
You
are in an Absurdist play. There is no
turning back, now. Succumb to it. Repeat after me. My semblable is my
mirror. My semblable
is my mirror.
OTHERS (except
NICHOLE)
(Trying to fight it)
My semblable is my mirror...my semblable
is my mirror...my semblable is my mirror...
(MISS BLABLE turns to each of them, driving them
further into the trance)
MISS
BLABLE
My semblable is my mirror...
(To
Sticks
and rags and broken glass...
Stick
donations up your ass!
Your
semblable is to steal.
Your
donations are your mirror.
My semblable is my mirror.
MISS BLABLE
(To HEATHER)
Got
your plant and gotcha good,
Like
a friendly neighbor should!
Your
semblable is a fake.
HEATHER
My semblable hates your guts!
MISS BLABLE
(To JILL)
You’re
not innocent, just lost!
Now
“the cow” has gotcha sauced!
No
more ambulance for you.
Your
semblable likes to screw.
JILL
Moooooooooooonthssss!!!
MISS BLABLE
(To ERIC)
You’re
an asshole. And you’re named after the
writer, who is also an asshole. All Erics are assholes.
ERIC
I’m
taking a semblable for my psych class.
MISS BLABLE
(To DAN)
And,
last but not least, Danblable...
(The moment DAN looks into the mirror, the LIGHTS
and SOUND change with a snap – the scene freezes – NICHOLE and DAN quickly step
outside the action; DAN watches NICHOLE, as she quickly rattles off the
following, like a stream-of-consciousness connection...)
NICHOLE
Danblable, semblable, to die, mourir, il est
mort, he is dead, he is empty, emptiness, are you fond, are you dead, are you
mort, it is clothes, it is dead, clothes are dead, death is clothes, death is
similar, la morte est semblable, hats are clothes, les chapeaus semblables, les negligees semblables,
no body, no death, pas de morte, JE NE MOURIRAIR
JAMAIS ENCORE, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS EMPTIENSS! ROOM FOR DREAMS, POUR REVES, FOR HOPE, FOR
GROWTH AND CHANGE, IL N’Y A PAS D’EMPTINESS, ALL CONNECTED, ALL SEMBLABLES!
(THUNDER and LIGHTNING; DAN quietly mutters to
himself while the others softly continue chanting “My semblables
is my mirror” in the background)
DAN
Daddy? I’m...I’m in Frangypt, Daddy, selling women’s clothes – lingerie. And I’m wearing lingerie, Daddy. And I’m not dead. And I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid anymore. I know you’d be proud of me. I love you, Daddy! I’ll make you proud! No...no...
(The LIGHTS restore as DAN comes back into the
scene; MISS BLABLE is still trying to entrance him like the others, but he
snaps out of it and leaps at her)
Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
(DAN shoves MISS BLABLE away; he grabs the oily rags
and tosses them in MISS BLABLE’S face; she struggles dramatically with them;
DAN grabs the hand mirror from her and smashes it)
MISS
BLABLE
No! Not my semblable! Danblable, you have
just sealed your fate.
(SHE runs at DAN with the stick; they struggle)
Someone
stop them!
ERIC
Don’t
let him get hurt!
NICHOLE
(Muttering to herself)
I
am happy. Birds are happy. This is silly. Birds are silly. Birds use guns. Guns are for silliness. Happy guns.
(She pulls a revolver out of her enormous purse and
fires it at the ceiling; all stop and look at her)
Miss
Blable, no more!
This cannot go on. Let him
go. I said let him go.
(MISS BLABLE drops the stick...
DAN rushes to ERIC, who embraces him fiercely)
ERIC
Don’t
you ever, ever scare me like that again!
DAN
I’m
sorry! I love you.
ERIC
I
love you too, Dannyboy.
(In the embrace, DAN manages to move his hand onto
ERIC’S ass)
DAN
There’s
nothing to be scared of now.
ERIC
Oh,
thank goodness...What are you doing?
DAN
Nothing
to be scared of...
(NICHOLE fires her gun again)
NICHOLE
Silence,
everyone! Miss Blable,
I want you out of my house. Leave now,
or forever perish by my hand. What shall
it be? Eviction? Or destruction?
(Long pause...MISS BLABLE seems to be deciding
something, as she studies them all)
MISS
BLABLE
Yes. You’re right.
(SHE takes the spare key from her pocket and unlocks
the front door, leaving it open; she hands the key to ERIC)
Here
is the key. You’re all free to go. I’m tired of fighting it. I’m tired of the way my story has gone. All of you can just leave. I wanted everyone to stay and meet “Them,”
but I guess that won’t be happening.
(A HUGE LIGHT comes in from the kitchen door, from
the window, from all around...almost as if there were enormous UFOs outside, or
the gates of a new dimension had opened up...strange, UNEARTHLY NOISES...)
NICHOLE
What
the deuce?!
MISS BLABLE
Ah! Ironic timing! Of course!
I suppose something ironic was bound to happen, somewhere around the
climax. But I don’t give a damn,
anymore. None of you are worthy to meet
“Them”. This is my story. And none of you are welcome in it, any
longer. I am taking my leave of you.
(There is much BARKING, off stage; the BARKING
slowly turns into MEOWING, which in turn transforms into a voice repeating, “I
am a cat...I am a cat...” which slowly becomes “Je suis un chat...je suis un chat...”)
MISS
BLABLE (continued)
That’s
right, Kitty! Follow “Them”! Well, so long and good riddance. I just hope that you’ll remember what I tried
to teach you all...you all...you failed as one and all. And now...Lights! Sound!
Pain! Stupidity! Je ne
mourirai jamais! Jamais! Au revoir!
(The secret passage opens up, glowing like the Next
World – MISS BLABLE exits into it, slowly, like a dream, engulfed in weird, Poltergeistian light...
Once she is gone, THE WRITER enters)
THE WRITER
You
guys! Listen to me.
Who
are you?
THE WRITER
I’m
the writer of this play. I started
writing this damn thing nine years ago, but it didn’t turn out right. I created a horrible, horrible loop, and I’ve
never been able to figure a way out of it – it just keeps getting re-written
and re-written and nothing ever finishes.
But listen – you have to help me find it – I lost it somewhere in this
house, long ago, and it’s the only thing that will save us—
(We hear MISS BLABLE’S voice from all around)
MISS
BLABLE
Aha!!! I’ve got you now, you son of a bitch!
THE WRITER
What? Miss Blable? No, you have to return to Absurdism,
I can’t have you here while I’m here – the two worlds have to remain separate
for the Plot-Character Continuum to stay stable!
MISS BLABLE
Oh
no, you don’t...You’re not getting away this time!
THE WRITER
Wait...Where
are you?
MISS BLABLE
I’m
in the lighting and sound booth! And now
– you’re mine!
THE WRITER
What
the...?! No! Don’t!!
MISS BLABLE
I
wonder what this button does...
(The LIGHTS and SOUND begin to do various cues that
effect the WRITER and only him – a spotlight shines on him...he changes from
red to blue...he tries speaking, but only a BARKING noise comes out...he starts
moving uncontrollably, as if the lights and sound and MISS BLABLE’S new power
over the play were puppeteering his every move...)
NICHOLE
No,
you cannot! You mustn’t! Miss Blable, no!
MISS BLABLE
And
now, for the coups de grace!
(A large voice says “SEM-BLA-BLE!” and we hear the
familiar sound of a meteor crashing; when it clears, THE WRITER has gone
insane)
THE WRITER
Aha! Ha!
JILL
Are
you okay...?
THE WRITER
Wah! AAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh,
heheheeheheeee!
Oh...look...it’s “Them!” They’re
finally here. It’s finally come! Oh, at last!
(He sees the bag of broken glass on the coffee
table)
Wait
a minute...is that...? It is! My semblable! I’ve been looking all over for this.
(Picks up the bag of glass)
Oh
no, they’re about to leave. I have to
go, now. Wait! Wait for me!
(THE WRITER runs off, towards the alien light in the
secret passage; NICHOLE looks out at the audience)
NICHOLE
And
now, I shall have a climactic fit.
(Flailing about)
AAAUUUGHHH! SEMBLABLE, SEMBLABLE, SIMILAR! SEMBLABLE IS SIMILAR! NOTHING IS SIMILAR! EMPTINESS IS SIMILAR! MON SEMBLABLE EST MON MIRROIR,
AAAUUUUUGHHHH!!!
(NICHOLE collapses on the floor, unconscious...
Instantly, the LIGHTS and SOUND return to normal;
all the weird occurrences on stage cease, and everything feels ordinary
again...
A very long silence...)
HEATHER
What the hell just
happened?!?!
(Another silence)
Well,
uh...I’ve got some other appointments to meet.
ERIC
Yeah,
I got more...survey-taking...
JILL
I’m...I’m
sure I’ll find
DAN
Wait! What’s wrong with all of you? Doesn’t anyone want to know what just
happened?
HEATHER
What
happened? What are you talking
about? Nothing happened.
DAN
Excuse
me! The weird light and the—
HEATHER
Nothing happened.
Yes,
we should just...forget everything. This
entire day, just forget it...
HEATHER
I’ve
overstayed my visit, and I’ve got all that unpacking to do.
DAN
(Pointing to NICHOLE)
But what about her?
Oh...she’ll
be fine.
ERIC
Yeah,
hopefully she’ll just crumble into dust or something when we leave.
(NICHOLE begins to stir)
HEATHER
Oh,
son of a—!!
(NICHOLE rises, looking dazed, as if released from
some spell; she looks around in surprise and confusion; when she speaks, her
British accent and normal edginess is gone – she once again has the Southern
Belle voice)
NICHOLE
Oh
my! Now what in sweet Jesus’ name
happened here? Who are you folks? What ever are you doing on my property?
HEATHER
We
were trapped here by your tenant.
NICHOLE
What
tenant? I live here all by my
lonesome. And I don’t like nosey people
waltzing about. I want everyone out of
here, right now.
ERIC
She
doesn’t remember anything. Thank God!
NICHOLE
I’ll
thank you ever so kindly not to take the Lord’s name in vain, young...young, young
man...Oh my! My nerves! I certainly could do with a lemon Coke. I feel a bit faint, as if I’ve come out of
some...
(Relishing the word)
Illusion...Oh dear me, is this my
prized silverware?
Yes,
ma’am. You must have left it there,
after you made us that tea and cake.
Remember? You were going to
donate a few things to Salvation Army.
NICHOLE
And
who, may I ask, are you?
I’m
NICHOLE
Oh
yes!
OTHERS
No
thanks...I’m good...About to leave...etc...
NICHOLE
Well,
I’m going to have that lemon Coke. Right
this way, dear!
(NICHOLE exits to the kitchen)
(To the others)
Shhhh...!
(Exits after MISS
BLABLE)
HEATHER
That
says it all. Well, what an interesting
experience. And that’s important, I
think. It’s good to have...experiences
and things. I guess now I have a new
new neighbor, which is also important. It was nice meeting everyone. I’m taking my plant with me. Have nice lives, but don’t ever call me. Right? Right. I’m leaving.
Charlie should be done having sex with the delivery men by now.
(HEATHER picks up her plant and exits out the front
door, in a hurry)
DAN
I
don’t understand everybody. I think this
day has been incredible. I feel
so liberated. What an adventure. And I made a new best friend!
(Hugs ERIC intimately,
whispers to him)
It’s
okay. It’ll be okay. Call me.
Here’s my card. Call me.
(Hands ERIC and card; speaks
aloud again)
Yeah,
can’t wait to go fishing, camping, drinking...all with my new bud! Well, you kids have fun at the
university. I’m going to make a run to
JILL
Bye,
Mr. Peterson.
(DAN winks at ERIC and exits)
JILL
(continued)
I
don’t always throw myself at guys, you know.
ERIC
Me
neither. I don’t always throw myself at
guys, either.
JILL
How
are you going to tell him that?
ERIC
I
never really intended on...well, calling him.
JILL
But
don’t you care at all? You might really
hurt him.
ERIC
It’s
none of your—!!
(Pause)
Hey,
I’m sorry. I just...I’m not so good—
JILL
Feelings...
ERIC
Yeah. That.
I’m sorry I called you a slut.
JILL
Eh,
I am a slut. But you’re an asshole.
ERIC
True. Maybe I should call him.
JILL
Maybe..
ERIC
So...the
university...
(JILL walks up to ERIC and kisses him;
The secret passage opens up; they both turn to look
at it)
JILL
Stuck somewhere between apathy and need...
(ERIC looks at the key in his hand; he locks the
front door; he sets the key down on the coffee table)
ERIC
Mademoiselle?
JILL
Ooh,
vous parlez francais?
ERIC
I
took a course or two.
(JILL leads ERIC, by the hand, into the secret
passage...
It shuts tightly behind them...
LIGHTS change and NICHOLE enters, with her
chalkboard; she has returned to her narrator role again; she stares at her
chalkboard, baffled)
NICHOLE
And
that...is the end of our story, I guess.
And I’ve got my British accent back, which doesn’t make sense. I hope all of you understood this play. Because I certainly don’t. What did Miss Blable...? What exactly did she do to the writer? Je ne
(MISS BLABLE enters; she points to the chalkboard
and erases all of NICHOLE’S scribblings; she writes
one word on it – “Semblable”)
MISS
BLABLE
Semblable. Similar. Je. I. The
subjective. Etre. To
be. Conjugated, suis. Je suis Semblable.
NICHOLE
(More confused)
Oh. Yes.
MISS BLABLE
It’s
perfectly simple. Just let it
happen. You don’t need to know
everything, you know.
(She waits for it to register with NICHOLE –
nothing)
Je suis Semblable!
(NICHOLE shrugs, defeated...MISS BLABLE sighs and
erases the board; she trudges off to one side of the stage)
MISS BLABLE
Maybe
we can still have drinks, later on.
(SHANNON, HEATHER, JILL, ERIC and DAN all enter and
form a line, in stylized poses, much like the opening of the play; MISS BLABLE
and NICHOLE watch them)
The
self-justifying thief...
HEATHER
The
false, unstable hypocrite...
JILL
The
sex-crazed nympho...
ERIC
The
gutless asshole...
DAN
The
insecure little boy...
(The five of them pull out individual hand mirror
and gaze into them, seeing their new selves for the first time; they stare,
each with different reactions – their own conclusions...
MISS BLABLE walks over towards the huge electrical
switch on the wall which she flipped “on” at the beginning of the play; SHE
waits)
NICHOLE
(Slowly realizing)
It
will be over when we meet “Them”.
(NICHOLE lets out a small gasp, as if an epiphany
has come over her)
MISS
BLABLE
Too
late!
NICHOLE
No,
but now I under—
MISS BLABLE
Oh,
big fuckin’ deal!
(MISS BLABLE flips the electrical switch “off”...
Blackout)
-END OF
PLAY-