journal-march14

My Journal

Wednesday morning, March 14, 2001

Okay - this is it. (Be brave.... my first journal entry.) I�m not entirely sure I want to do this. I did enjoy keeping a journal when I was in Grade 13, for English literature class. Back then, it was mainly for self-discovery. Only the teacher got to read it, and she encouraged me that I should keep on with it.   (She thought I did a good job, I guess.) But to write down personal things about myself, that I KNOW other people will be reading.... And I don�t even have any control over WHO reads it..... ? That�s WAY different !

A few weeks ago, there was a weekend where three ladies from the SFL Forum all started on-line journals and websites, and when they did, several others wanted to jump on the bandwagon and do the same thing. I wasn�t one of them. I had no interest in setting up a website. And then, last Saturday, I did, without even making a conscious decision to do so. Why ? I HAVE NO IDEA !!! I was the only one up, just Spencer (the puppy) and me, and I was on-line, checking out my usual sites (the SFL Forum, Weight Watchers, Martha Stewart, the Unemployment Job Bank, and Yahoo Astrology). My horoscope (I�m a Sagittarius, by the way) has been talking about this month being good for new beginnings and new ventures. Actually, the next six months are supposed to be quite exciting for me, bringing with them �winds of transformation�. Mars will spend six months in Sagitttarius, from February to July, bringing with it heat, passion and raw energy. (WOW - I hope so !) I�m supposed to be surprised by December at how much I have accomplished this year. Not bad, for someone who is sitting at home unemployed right now !   I may not be a total astrology fanatic, but I believe in all kinds of metaphysical things, and I don�t totally dismiss it.

So anyway, there I was, sitting at my computer, doing what I have done countless other mornings. All of a sudden, just for the heck, I went to my bookmarks of computer sites, and called up Yahoo Geocities Wizard. (I have had no intentions of setting up a website, and here I am, with all these sites bookmarked over the last two months - various free website creation sites, clipart sites, html sites, etc.   Why ? Who knows ? Maybe it�s fate. I haven�t consciously decided to do any of this, remember?) I thought �well - maybe I�ll just look at the Yahoo site and see what all is involved in this - is it difficult, is there a number of steps, what kind of options are available to people, etc.�   I was just going to play in it.   But when I was clicking on it, in order to see options, etc., I had to register as a new member to enter. So I did, and then started playing with the Wizard, and before I knew it, I had a page... Then my son, Mark, got up, and I relinquished the computer to him and his ICQ and MSN messaging.

Saturday evening I went to spend the night with my honey, Barry. By 11:00 we were both tired, and went to bed. But, tired as I was, I didn�t fall asleep. I realized around 12:30 that I had been tossing and turning for an hour. I would start to doze off, and then wake up again. My mind was too active, and guess what I was thinking about ? The website ! I was thinking of what pages to add, what to write in them, what photos or pictures I could use, etc. I thought this is ridiculous ! I didn�t want to wake Barry up. I figured I�d better just get up, and maybe put some of these thoughts down onto paper, and clear them from my mind. While watching TV, I filled an entire sheet, both sides, with jottings ! No wonder I couldn�t sleep !

My work is going slowly. We have dial-up access for the Internet, so I try to keep the phone line free between 9 am and 5 pm, in case a potential employer tries to call. (No point putting out applications and r�sum�s, if no one can get through to you ! ) That means that I only get on usually before 9 am, or after 11 pm. Mark likes to be on in the evening to chat. But I don�t have restrictions on using WordPerfect (as long as my brother Olavi isn�t on playing Risk, or a card game). So, by Monday night, I had TEN PAGES of text, for Tips �n� Hints, My Interests and My Wish List ! ( I know - I�m verbose! That�s a nice way of saying I talk too much !) I figured out that instead of using on-line time to sit and type, I could probably just copy and paste from WordPerfect ! (Okay - so I�m not a technoweenie yet - I have to learn as I go ! ) On Tuesday I spent several hours looking at clipart, and setting up pictures in a file called �Pirjo�s Pics� that Mark set up for me. And now, as of Wednesday morning, I already have FOUR WHOLE WEBPAGES done up ! Now, they are done using very basic Page Builder, and Page Wizard, and don�t yet look like I would like, but at least something is done... the content is what I would like. I can always fine tune the appearance afterwards.

Now there must be some reason I am doing this. I just don�t know yet what it is. I am just going with the flow. Several on-line buddies have mentioned that it helps them with their weight loss because it keeps them accountable. Now, I am usually quite honest - Sag�s aren�t known for being tactful - we�re TOO honest !   So maybe writing things down will help me stay on track. And maybe, just maybe, I might have some encouragement to offer other people who are struggling. One of my biggest surprises was when one of my fellow forumers (Is that a word ? ) called me �inspirational�. I figured that I�m so badly off track sometimes (usually only within my points for 3 or 4 days of the week, and almost always over due to alcohol), that I wouldn�t be a role model for ANYONE ! However, I guess I do demonstrate persistence. I first started at Weight Watchers on April 12th, 2000. It has been a long haul to lose 23 lbs. However, there was several months there in the fall when I did not attend meetings. And I have been seesawing around this weight basically since last September. So - maybe that means that I already have some practice for maintenance (if I ever get to that point ). And just think what I could accomplish if I could ever cut out booze altogether !

The other point several ladies have mentioned is that they are often overwhelmed by all the supportive e-mails they get from readers all around the world. A lot of people read, and identify with our struggles, and feel compelled to write and comment, suggest, encourage, etc. That would probably be very nice.

What I did worry about was the time commitment involved. Right now, since I am at home, I can do this, even if the dust bunnies are becoming �Killer Dust Bunnies�. (For a short haired dog, Spencer sheds like crazy ! Add budgie seed hulls into the mix, and LOOK OUT ! ) But what happens when I get a job, and go back to work ? Hopefully, once the pages are actually set up, and it�s just a matter of making journal entries, it won�t be too time-consuming. (Am I living in la-la land ? ) I�m not interested in making daily journal entries - just weekly, for my weigh-in results and any reflections, or occasionally, if I actually have something to say !   Otherwise, who the hell will want to read that much about my life !

Anyway - that�s enough rambling (or waffling, for you Aussies). It�s lunchtime, and I have to leave for my meeting in about 45 minutes. My tummy is feeling hollow, so I�m going to go make a cup of chicken broth, and perhaps have something light. And I have to change my clothes, check my hair, etc. After my meeting, I will be stopping at Barry�s apartment complex to drop off three boxes of clothes that Mark has outgrown. It�s a subsidized housing complex, and they have a free clothing depot there. (Won�t it be nice when I can bring some of MY clothes there ! ) And since I�ll be right there, well I�ll have to stop and see my honey also, and keep him advised of my weigh-in results, and maybe get a kiss and hug (or two). I�ll add to the entry later with my results, dear reader.

Afternoon, Wednesday March 14

Well - I FINALLY DID IT ! I finally got to my 10% goal, which was set back on April 12, 2000. My goal was 212 (96.2), a loss of 24 lbs.    �Officially�, I am at 211 lbs, a loss of 25 lbs. (I say �officially�, because the two scales at the weighing station have a .4 lb difference.    Since I first noticed that 2 months ago, I have been requesting that I get weighed on the left hand scale. Last weigh in, I was 213.4, which got rounded down to 213, today I was 210.8 on the right hand scale, so it got rounded UP to 211, showing a 2 lb loss. However, afterwards, I stepped on the other scale, which said 210.4, so that is EXACTLY 3 lbs lost !!!! However, the weigher wouldn�t change it for me, she said this was good enough for today. She was busy trying to find my �goodies� to pass on to the leader for my presentation, so I guess she thought I was nit-picking !

I got a star fridge magnet for losing 25 lbs, which will go on the fridge next to my blue ribbon for losing 10 lbs. I got

the 5 lbs star and a Bravo star for my Membership Book. And I got the key ring, shaped like a stylized �10", for achieving my 10% loss. (For those who don�t know, when we reach the ultimate goal, we get a gold star token to put onto the keyring.)

After the meeting, I stopped in to see my DBF, and he was quite proud of me. I fooled him at first, when he asked me how I did, and I made a face, and he thought I had gained again. �Too much beer again, honey ? � But then I dug out my goodies for him, and he was suitably proud of me. And of course, as soon as I got home, I had to go on-line at the SFL Forum to share my enthusiasm with my fellow forum members. I usually do that, even though my unofficial rule is �No net during the workday.� But who else can I share things with, that understand so well.... ?   At least, this way, when I go back on-line later in the evening, I have usually got some replies waiting for me, whether it�s congratulations or support.

On days like this I feel SO MOTIVATED to keep on losing....

Thursday, March 15, 2001

WOW !!! I couldn�t believe the replies to my posting on the Forum yesterday ! So much encouragement ! No wonder I�m addicted to it ! Everybody was so nice - it�s like having so many friends, you�ve just never met them !

Well I was so impressed with myself yesterday. I was actually going to be on points again for the first time in a couple of weeks. I went at 11:00 to pick up Olavi from the Legion - (he was taking part in a round robin playoff for a chance to be on the team to play 8 ball in the regional Legion tournament) - and I was thinking to myself of how FULL I felt, even though I wasn�t at the top end of my points. ( I had consumed only food, no alcohol.) And the players weren�t done yet ! So for 1/2 hour, I sat there with a glass of water while waiting. Then, as we were the last to leave, and the bar was closing, and my brother still had draft beer left in his pitcher, I poured a glass without thinking, to help him empty it. Although it tasted good, I had forgotten totally about my points, until several minutes later ! Over again ! (at least by not a lot) ! So much for all the best intentions in the world.

So this morning, I�ve made a bacon, egg & cheese English muffin for breakfast, had lots of vegetable juice mid morning, and made a platter of raw veggies for snacking. I�m going to try to improve. Everyone is losing so well this week, that I don�t want to be left behind. And now that I finally hit that elusive 10 %, I�d love to start inching down towards that 200 !

I�m really getting into this website nonsense also, at least on a small scale. A friend who has a one vehicle body shop, mentioned several months ago about websites, although he does not have a computer himself. And yesterday, on the spur of the moment, I ended up making him one (albeit a one page site). I wrote up a blurb for him, giving the history of the business, what he does, etc. It was fun ! (I sure took him by surprise !) Maybe I�ll end up doing this for a living or something - some stupid thing fate throws at me, and then that�s when I discover there was actually a purpose for all this ! Who knows ? Stranger things have happened !

Sunday, March 18, 2001

Well - it�s the last day of March break, and tomorrow Mark goes back to school. That means he�ll actually go to bed at a half-assed decent hour ! All week, he�s been up until 3 and even 4 am, and then sleeping in until the next afternoon. (I know, part of being 14 !) First he�s on ICQ until 2 or 3:00, and then watches TV or videos !

I had thought I might be able to start work tomorrow. I went for an interview to Revenue Canada on Friday afternoon (the federal taxation department ). I had gone in November to write the required tests, and had already passed security clearance, and was beginning to wonder why I had not heard anything yet. Our income taxes are due in by April 30th, and normally by March the rush is on to hire people for the processing rush. (We have one of the country�s few processing centres here in our city.) And surprise, the interview went well, and she told me I�d hear back by Friday evening, and the job starts on Monday afternoon, for four months. It�s afternoon shift, but the pay is $3.00 per hour more than I�ve ever gotten, just for unstapling returns, and putting the attachments in a particular order ! Talk about a no-brainer job ! I was disappointed - the quota was filled, and I wasn�t hired on. However, the interviewer said that both she and the other woman were quite impressed with me, and had wanted to hire me, so they are passing my name on to another department that still has to hire some staff. And there�s a small chance that in her department, they may need to hire one more person on Monday, so she told me if that happens, it would be me ! Think good thoughts for me, and send me cyber-wishes, please - I would really like this (either this, or the job still pending that�s only 1 km from my house ).

Had a nice quiet evening at Barry�s last night. Just watched television, and went to bed by 10:00, but it got me out of this crazy house for awhile. It�s like a peaceful sanctuary for me. He likes to make my breakfast, and is so careful about how many points he�s giving me. Today he made me a soft boiled egg and soldiers to try (never had it before), and juice, and was proud that it was only 5 points total (North American points). He was upset last week that his delicious western omelette, grapefruit, toast and juice added up to 13 points ! He apologized a couple of times during the day, about feeding me too many points ! What a sweetie.

It�s a nice day outside, not too cold, and warming up, and sunny. It should be +1 C today, so I thought this afternoon I�ll even take Spencer for a walk . We went on Friday afternoon, the first time in literally a couple of months ! (Poor dog !) It was so nice that there was actually some bare pavement on the streets, so that I could walk without worrying about the dog pulling me on ice. He�s very strong - he takes ME for a walk ! We have a good forecast for the next few days as well, so here�s hoping I can get my act together.

Here�s a question for you..... The last few weeks, I have been really cold in the evenings. I�m okay during the day, but after supper, even though I�m wearing long sleeves, I usually have to put on a sweater. And by 10 - 11:00, I might put on a second sweater, or shawl. I know our house doesn�t have great insulation, but it�s not January any longer, it�s a lot milder outside. And our house is usually at 21 C, and my son is in a T shirt and boxer shorts ! At Barry�s apartment, he doesn�t control the heat, and it�s usually between 21 and 26. Last night I was freezing with a shirt and heavy pullover, and when we went to bed, he was naked on top of the covers, and I had on a long flannel nightgown, socks, and then I had to get up and put on a long sleeved flannel shirt over that ! I wasn�t warm enough to take off the shirt until around 12:30 . Is it that my metabolism isn�t working enough, or because I�ve lost another 5 lbs, or problems with my underactive thyroid, or the cold water I�m guzzling so much of is decreasing my core temperature, or all of the above ........?

Okay - I�m going to check out what�s been happening on the forum. Hope everyone has a good Sunday (Monday).