After being knocked off course several inches, i cant remember how many, the satellite finally comes crashing through a black hole into another dimension, a more piratey dimension. The thick nuget of the interdimensionary travel has been cut down by the chewy caramel of fate on this briny morning as Mcquaid walks along the beach, holding hands with a local prostitute. The prostitue has a peg leg along with several other peg appendages.
Her name is woody.
An old man sitting on a crab makes yet another 'woody' prostitute joke as the couple walks by. "damn my mom and dad and grammy for giving me this awful name. what else could i become but a pirate prostitute."
Mcquaid realizes that his true prostitue love needs to be avenged. He goes back to the pirate crime lab where he finds Macgaffery busy at work inventing cancer.
"AHoy! "
"Ahoy" he replies. Ive been working on this cancer for 6 hours now. And i think i have it. Mcquaid runs to his room to mourn his beloved hero pirates fatale case of cancer. 6 hours later mcquaid emerges from his cabin holding some pasta and ready to avenge his love. He asks macgaffery for help on his one last mission. Macgaffery says he is busy and not able to help/ Macgaffery decides to go up to the crows nest and reflect on life.
While up there he sees a real kick ass pool party a few blocks from the pier. He gets his shorts. The cat patterned swim shorts are a big hit with the local mateys who are playing "drown each other" 6 have already drown. 6 more are being given the heimlich to no avail. macgaffery sees a hot mama accross the pool. He decides to approach her. First he drinks some of his cancer medication.
"Arrg" the pirate smoothly swoons.
As per usual the woman responds by running (clearly pretending not to want to be raped by a pirate of such high international esteem.) 6 minutes later macgaffery realizes that his manboy servent is in danger. His silver eyepatch begins glowing magenta. A sure sign of trouble.
Macgaffery gets out of his land boat and arrives at the scene of the crime. Mcquaid lying on the ground with a peg leg stuck in his face,. DEAD. A single tear rolled out from under the silver eye patch and began a process that would slowly rust it in another 6 or maybe 7 years. macgaffery fell to his knees and cried like a damn pansy. An old man sitting on a dead dolphin carcass calls him on it.
"Wheres your other eye...pansy"
Macgaffery stands up on the beach and clenches his fist in awesome coolitude. He does a meaningless double roundhouse back kick then jumps into action. He rides a stolen motorcycle through the streets of pirate shanty town. He stops to do more kicking for some local boys. He trains briefly by fake fighting a wooden statue. He reads a book on the art of killing and its socio-economic consequences. He throws the book into a fire and it explodes with an awesome fizzle. The old shany was rocking slightly. Despite the advice of the old crab man, he went a knocking anyways. it was the prostitute. she was missing a peg leg.
"it was you," macgaffery clarifies for those who fail to make connections.
"you were just playing with mcquaids heart all along." she truly had been. The dead heart was still oozing blood all over the place and she had some all over her face and clothes.
"caught red handed" she whispers,
"literally" macgaffery approaches her and softly asks "why" as she begins to answers macgaffery does a double roundhouse back kick to her throat which looks painful as hell.
She explodes in an awesome explosion. Macgaffery takes out his rope. Then realizes that she is in far too small of pieces to possibly tie up. Fear smacks him accross the face like flaming golden seals tail.
How will this end.,??
Macgaffery walks the earth for 6 months. depressed and unable to find joy pirating without his manboy.
unfortunately the story refuses to end. Macgaffery sits in a bar and tells stories to underaged kids he is buying beers. One of the kids calls him out on being a pansy when a tear rolls down his eye. Suddenly the cancer he invented and confusedly contracted through a mix up in word choice, kicked in. the nurses rushed him on a stretcher through the hospital where george cloony checked him in.
"is there anything we do for you cause youre clearly dead meant kiddo" cloony mused.
"yeah" mcgaffery balked back.
Cloony wiped off his hands after he and macgaffery finished hanging the nurses from the rafter. CLoony looked up one of thier dead skirts and smiles his warm reassuring smile. Macgaffery smiles at his new celebrity friend and then floats out of his body.
His body flies through the sky, like superman. He flies into the sun and explodes in an awesome spark.
Mcquaid is sitting on a cloud playing a harp, AKA harmonica, and says.
"that was awesome."
mcquaid is then told by a nurse on the cloud that he contracted cancer from macgafferty and he was going to die... again.
BOOM! a giant mushroom cloud explosion with a triumphant guitar chord chimes. FOREVER!
Dead Macgaffery Volume 2. c.2004