Dear Eater of Souls,
I have a real problem. I was eating lunch the other day and a group of mean girls threw hot dogs at me because I was caught masterbating in the girls bathroom at school with one. I am so mortified! What can I do? Can you help?-Meat Market, Arkansas
Dear Desperate Weak One,
Of course I can help you...for a price. This is what you need to do: First, you need to capture and bleed dry all those offending you. Collect the blood in a jar. Bell jars work the best. Then, dismember them and place their body parts together into one big gore sculpture. Next, bring in the immediate family, and, using the powers of persuasion you will soon recieve, force the families to consume their dry, dead, loved ones. Once they are sated, spread plastic sheeting on the floor and ritually sacrifice each one. The sheeting will keep your carpet cleaning bills down and your fun level up. You can get it at Wal-Mart. (Tell them I sent you. Me and Sam Walton go way back.) Imagine, a blood version of a slip-n-slide. I slaver at the thought. Then, after forming a pentagram with the bodies, ignite them and toss a severed finger with a wedding ring, a dead bat, and the vaginal drippings of a virgin into the middle. It is then that I will appear to claim your soul in a burst of flame and sulfur. Gimme a few seconds, cause I'm busy just like everybody else. Then, I'll cleave your throat from your neck, so you cannot scream, then I'll tear your eyes from your body, so you cannot see. But I'll leave your ears, for I want you to hear the sound tearing flesh makes. Thats about it for the rest of eternity. So, see you soon-Satan |
