Long Day

by the Space Pirate Ryoko

Song: "Long Day" by Matchbox 20 

 

//it's sitting by the overcoat

the second shelf, the note she wrote

that I can't bring myself to throw away//

 

            I slide the door closed behind me, rubbing my head as if the pressure of my hand will make it feel better.  Damn, it hurts.  I never really had headaches before—since the war began I think I've learned a thousand new ways to feel pain.  The room is dark and silent—empty.  I pick my way over to my bunk, wondering where Duo is.  Probably still at dinner; that guy eats more than anyone I've ever met.

            I sit on the edge of the narrow bunk and pull the note from my pocket.  The paper's soft, like cloth, and the folds are smooth from wear.  Another week and it'll probably disintegrate.  I can't see her words in the darkness, but I can smell the paper, feel the tiny indentations her pen pressed into the page.  I don't need to see it; I know every line anyway.

 

//reach, she said, to no one else but you,

cuz you won't turn away

when someone else is gone.//

 

            She left it on my pillow in the Sanq kingdom—a goodbye.  She guessed we'd never see each other again.  I wonder if she's right.  In that short time we spent together, she was usually right when she guessed about me.  She said I should lean on Duo, if that's what I want.  I didn't know what the hell I wanted.  Now I'm even less sure.  I dream about her, though.  My head throbs and I lay down.  I need a night of uninterrupted sleep.

            The door flies open and light floods the cubicle of a room. 

            "Heero!"

            I cover my eyes with my forearm, clenching them shut in an effort to quell the stabbing pain.  Trying to ignore Duo and the terrible glow that surrounds his form in the doorway, I roll over.  What the hell is the point of a headache, anyway?  Other pain has a purpose, to show you something is wrong.  Headaches must've been designed as a method of torture.

            Duo comes to my bedside, flicks on the light on the wall.  "You okay?" he asks in an absurdly loud voice.

            I don't answer, hoping he'll go away.

            He doesn't.

            Closing the door, he sits on the bunk opposite mine and unlaces his boots.  "Talk about your bad days," he murmurs.  He lets each one hit the floor with a loud thump, then proceeds to sing under his breath as he changes clothes.  Suddenly he stops.

            "You still have that note from Relena?"  His voice holds more than curiosity, and I don't like the possessive edge behind his words.  He knocks a book from our shared night table as he reaches across to pick up the paper.  "Don't you think she would've called or something, if she still likes you?  I mean, she even says for you to stay with me!  Hardly the words of a woman in love."

            "Shut up, Maxwell," I threaten quietly.  His words, a variation of the same thing he says every time he sees the letter, unravel part of the hope I'd been using to numb myself against this war.  He doesn't understand that a few faded words are all that keep me from giving up the whole farce.  I close my eyes again.

            I spent the entire day on the computers, trying to untie the encrypted jumble of a message that friend of his brought us this morning.  The one thing I can say for the White Fang is that they know their codes.  I see the scrollwork of numbers and symbols behind my eyes—it's no wonder my head hurts.  I finally saved it to disk just a half an hour before, and now all I want is the oblivion of sleep where I can forget all about it.

            The clicking of computer keys denies me my oblivion.

            I turn around, opening my eyes slowly, ignoring the stab of the bright fluorescent lights.  Duo is perched on the bunk next to mine, pressing keys on my laptop like a man possessed.  Curiosity goads me into sitting up to get a better view.  I've always wanted to see the early stages of his stealth operations.

            Loud bleeps and buzzes send me over the edge.

            "Do you have to play your game right now?" I demand, exasperated.  I reach for the laptop, but he twists away.

            "Lemme just save it!"  He pops a disk into the drive.  "You don't have anything special on this one, do you?" he asks as he presses the key to save.  "I hope not—I just copied over whatever it was!"

            What disk?  The hours of code work?  Forgetting about my headache, I launch myself over to his bunk, tearing the computer from his hands.  The icon on the screen flashes done.  It's too late.

            Dropping the machine onto the bed, I turn to Duo.  "You idiot!" I bark, wishing I had a weapon.  Instead, I shove him onto the floor, not caring that my laptop clatters to the tile beside him.  "You just erased nine hours of work!  Nine hours!"  I clench my fists, wondering if I should hit him, or just start kicking.

            "Easy, easy," Duo protests, his hands up.

            I grab his shirt collar, pulling him to his feet.  "Why the hell should I go easy?" I whisper.

            He chuckles, twisting his wrists so a disk slips from his sleeve.  "Cause this is the one with your data?"

            My stomach lurches.  My head throbs.  For a guy who's supposed to be a genius, he's a real screw-up.  I let go of his shirt, pushing him away.  He stumbles, falling back onto his bed.  I turn away and switch off the light.

            "Lighten up, will ya?" he protests.  "You're not the only one who had a bad day, you know."

            Like Duo Maxwell has bad days?  I snort my disbelief.  "Just go to sleep, Duo."

            He grabs my shoulders and I'm suddenly looking into his face.  His indigo eyes are dark and narrow, and his mouth twists into a sardonic grimace.  "Don't write me off like that, Yuy," he growls.  "Hilde's lying there in a fucking coma, and you think you're the only guy with a tough time."

            It feels like a punch to the stomach.

 

//I'm sorry 'bout the attitude

I need to give when I'm with you

but no one else will take this shit from me//

 

            I stare past him, to the point over his shoulder where his hair bunches into its plait.  I can't believe I missed the tremor in his voice, the tense knit of his brows.  I'm too preoccupied with my own problems; I've somehow managed to ignore the person I'd spent months learning to read.  I've seen a lot of feelings coming of this guy, but this is the first time I've seen pain.  It hurts me, somewhere deep in my gut, to be reminded that he's just as lost out here as I am. 

            "I didn't know you cared so much."  My voice is too quiet, even to myself.

            Duo turns away, climbing into his own bunk.  "Yeah, well I do," he answers gruffly.

            I feel tears prick the corners of my eyes, and I wonder if it's because I'd forgotten Hilde, lying small and helpless in the medical rooms, or because I can feel Duo's hurt radiating from across the small room.  I'd just added to it, in my own way, and I don't like how that feels.

            I search for a way to ease the mood.  "Nice to know you have a soul, Maxwell."

            He smiles weakly at me.  "Wish I could say the same for you."  He rolls over, leaving me to wonder what he means.

            I don't even know what a soul feels like. 

            I imagine it feels like Relena.

           

//and I'm so

terrified of no one else but me

I'm here all the time

I won't go away.

it's me, yeah I can't get myself to go away

it's me, yeah I can't get myself to go away

oh God, I shouldn't feel this way!//

 

            Six months ago I didn't give a damn about the Earth or the people who lived there.  I came to the planet on a mission—my loyalty was to my colony and to my mission.  Then I got to know the plants and animals of this planet; I met an incredible, luminous girl who somehow knew how to glow, even when she cried.  Now her whole world is about to be destroyed, and I'm not sure I can do anything about it; I'm not sure why I care.

            Zechs.  The pain throbs at my temples.

            Hilde's disk carried his plans—his insane plot to get revenge on his enemy, to destroy the world that Treize wants to rule.  The tactics that disk showed me made me sick to my stomach.  I feel sick again, thinking about it—thinking about her home, everyone's home, being blown to bits because Zechs Marquise feels apocalyptic.

            I don't know if I can stop him.

 

//reach down your hand in your pocket

pull out some hope for me

it's been a long day, always, ain't that right?//

 

            I'm almost asleep when Duo's weight stumbles onto me, his mouth covering mine violently.   His hands claw at the blanket that separates us, his tongue twisting between my teeth desperately.  I reach for his hair, not sure until I touch him whether I'm going to push away or pull him closer.  I forget my headache.

            I pull.

            Matching his ferocity, I kiss back, my hands wrapped in the tangle of his hair.  I feel tears on his face, tremors in his body that show me how upset he is.  I don't try to sooth him.  I don't want to care—not on any deep level.  It's better just to fuck.

            His hands are hot and shaking on my stomach, fumbling with the drawstring on my shorts; his mouth bites painfully at my shoulder.  He curses, leaving a trail of damp spit on my arm as he yanks at the knots in the string.  I don't help him.

            When he finally releases the drawstring, finally presses his body against mine, I know he's naked and as aroused as I am.  His skin is warm and smooth against my chest, my legs; his erection feels heavy, hard up against my flesh.  His mouth finds mine again in the darkness, his teeth tearing into the skin of my lip.

            "I need to—"  Duo's voice is a primal growl, his eyes narrowed and glinting.  "Heero."

            I slide my hands down from his hair, across his back and over his tight buttocks.  I move my fingers between us, letting them curl around his turgid shaft.  He jerks at my touch, rubbing my sensitive organ and sending shockwaves through me.

 

//and no, Lord, your hand won't stop it

just keep you trembling

it's been a long day, always, ain't that right?// 

 

            "Heero!"  He breathes through gritted teeth.

            "Then do it," I whisper, letting my tongue trace the curve of his ear.  "Fuck me, if it will make you feel better."

            Duo's wiry strength always takes me off guard, and in a moment I find myself flipped, face-down on my bunk.  My body shakes with the anticipation of having him inside me, and my hand slips down to my own erection.  The cold sensation of lotion, and the tight tingle of his fingers, then he slides into me.

            I don't think as we move together, not even of her.

            I finish first—quaking and shuddering beneath him as I catch my pillow in my teeth to stifle my moan.  In another moment Duo presses his sweaty forehead against my back, clutching my hips hard against his.  His spasms send shivers through me, making me wish I wasn't too tired for another go.

 

//well, I'm surprised that you believe

in anything that comes from me

I didn't hear from you or from someone else//

 

            Neither of us move for a long time.  I wonder if he's fallen asleep.

            I can't remember how many nights had ended this way.  It started easily enough—I knew he was jerking off in the bunk beside mine, just like me.  I heard his half-stifled gasps and moans, and finally his sigh when he finished.  I knew that he heard me.  It made for a twisted kind of intimacy, and for a while, that's all that happened.  Until that night we hit rock bottom and the boys that don't cry suddenly did, and there was nothing we could do about it except touch each other, learning to find pleasure where, just moments before, there was nothing.

            I twist slowly, feeling damp and spent.  He's not sleeping; his eyes are fixed on the darkness above us.  I push his hair from his forehead—a tender gesture that startles me.

            "If she dies, then it'll be because of me."  He shivers. 

            I yank a blanket over us both—outer space was too cold to be naked for too long.

            "She might live to see she saved the Earth," I remind him.  "We wouldn't have a chance without that data."

            Duo turns away from me, looking at the wall.  "She might die.  We might lose."

            I can't respond to that one—I can't even lie and say that I'm sure we'll win.  I close my eyes and think of Relena. 

            My forgotten headache starts to throb.

            Even with the data, I could think of just one way to win.  I'll have to kill her brother.  I'll have to destroy the Libra.

            Duo shifts uncomfortably in the small space.  He turns over. 

            I open my eyes to see him watching me.

            "Ever wonder, " he asks slowly.  "Ever wonder if you'll end up sacrificing her for the whole planet?"

            Relena?  My heart begins to pound.  It wasn't a choice I'd ever considered.  It wasn't a choice I was ready to make. 

            "Everyone dies," Duo continues.  "But I wonder how you'd handle it if she dies because of you—because of your mission."  He stretches out a finger to flick a lock of hair from my eyes.  "Would you self-destruct?"

 

//and you're so

set in life, man, a pisser, they're waiting

too damn bad you get so far so fast

so what, so long//

 

            I suddenly wish I'd taken a break to check on Hilde, to see if she was expected to pull through.  I wish it had crossed my mind.  I press my hand to my pounding temple.  "I'm sure your Hilde will be fine--Sally Po is an excellent doctor."

            He laughs, but it isn't a funny sound.  "I'm not talking about Hilde," he murmurs.  "I just wondered if there'd be any point in looking you up after all this is done."

            I don't like the catch in his voice—the tremor that betrays the light tone.  I sit up, peering down at him through the darkness.  "What do you mean?" 

            "You plan to kill Zechs right?  To destroy his ship?"

            I nod.  Nothing short of that would work to save the Earth from his schemes.

            Duo sits up, leaning in close.  I can smell sex and sweat on his skin, and his mouth is swollen from our frantic kisses.  "I learned today," he begins, his eyes looking clear through mine, "that Relena Peacecraft is on the Libra."

 

//reach down your hand in your pocket

pull out some hope for me

it's been a long day, always, ain't that right?

and no, Lord, your hand won't stop it

just keep you trembling

it's been a long day, always, ain't that right?//

 

            I feel like every system in my body shut down at Duo's words.  One by one, they re-set.  My heart beats again, I remember to breathe, my blood continues its flow.  Finally, my brain starts working—jumping past simple realization and straight into planning.

            I get out of bed, grabbing at clothes in the blackness.

            "You're just gonna run off and rescue her, then?" he asks.  His voice seems dim—background.  "You're gonna leave us with all the work?"

            I yank my shirt over my head, envisioning the blueprints of the Libra that had been encoded on Hilde's disk.  It wouldn't be easy.  "I'm going to kill Zechs Marquise," I explain to Duo, wondering what percentage of the Libra's crew could be shuttled to safety.

            I tug my shoes onto my feet, breaking a shoelace in my rush.  Even Zechs wouldn't sink so low as to hold her hostage.  She must have come of her own free will.  I curse under my breath.  Stubborn brat.

            Duo grabs my wrist as I head toward the door.  He's still naked—a sheet wrapped around his waist and bright gleam in his eyes.  He pushes a soft paper into my palm—Relena's note.  "Come back in one piece, will ya?"  He smiles at me, and for a moment, my chest aches.  "Don't let love kill you, okay?"

            Love?  I'm not sure that's the right word to describe what's between Relena and me, but until I figure out what is, there's no way I'm going to let her die.

            I press my hand against Duo's shoulder.  "Pay attention to Quatre's orders, will you?  And—and when she wakes up, tell your friend thanks."  I let myself linger for just a moment—just long enough to smile at this guy who taught me about friendship, and I suddenly wish there was a way to do this without dying.

            Then, without a backward glance, I hurry out the door.  I have no idea what I'm doing, or why I'm putting my life and the entire planet in jeopardy for one girl, but I'm sure that Duo knows.  I suppose I'll have to ask him later, maybe in our next life.