Insomnia Part Three: Quatre

by Angela

 

 

A vague sense of unease drew me slowly from sleep.  I fought it, unwilling to open my eyes.  A voice in my head nagged me—unease meant danger.  My senses were keen and alert even as my mind woke slowly.  I listened to the darkness, hoping I’d hear nothing that would force me more completely from my slumber.  Duo was snoring.  Wufei mumbled something incomprehensible in his sleep.  I didn’t hear the steady sigh of Trowa’s breathing.

           

I opened my eyes.  His bedding was vacant.  A shaft of light from the bathroom left a trail on the floor.  The door was ajar.  Of course.  I settled back into my pillow, trying to imagine that the hard floor was a featherbed.

           

Just as I was closing my eyes, I heard Heero’s voice, muffled and strained, coming from the bathroom.  I sat up, startled.  Heero’s rumpled bed on the farthest couch was empty too.  If he was in there, then where was Trowa?  It wasn’t like him to wander around at—I checked the clock—at 3:30 in the morning.

           

“Thank you.”  Heero’s words were quiet, but distinct.  Who was he thanking, and for what?  Could Trowa be in the bathroom with Heero?  That made no sense!  Unless . . . but no, that wasn’t possible!  I stood up, flinching as my feet touched the cold floor.  Even as I picked my way through to darkness, I felt lousy for doing something as underhanded as spying.

 

Duo’s snores seemed to get louder as I passed his couch.  I glanced down at him, noticing how very long his hair was when it was unbound.  It tangled around his arms and neck like—

 

“Yow!”  I stubbed my toe on a boot—Duo’s—and stumbled across the floor.  Hopping slightly, I clenched my teeth.  Darn it Duo!  If he weren’t sound asleep, I’d think he was smiling! 

 

“Quatre?”  Wufei sat up suddenly, obviously startled by the noise I was making.  His face was tense and pale.  “Quatre, what time is it?” he asked raggedly.

 

“About 3:35.  Go back to sleep.”  I didn’t mean to wake anyone.  I felt even worse; not only was I spying on my best friend, but I ruined Wufei’s dream as well.  He laid back down as I took the last couple steps to the open bathroom door.  The water was running.  I leaned against the doorway, unable to bring myself to peek.  It was bad enough that I was eavesdropping. 

 

“So I finally shocked Heero Yuy.”  It was Trowa!  His voice sounded light, almost cheerful.  “No, I’m not gay,” he continued.  “It’s just . . .you can’t help who you love.”

 

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.  Trowa loved Heero?  What did he mean, he wasn’t gay?  Of course he wasn’t—Trowa liked girls!  He’d been with girls before.  Lots of times!  So why’d he say—Did that mean that they—I shook my head violently, trying to clear the images that come to mind, of Heero and Trowa embracing, kissing.  And what about Rele—

 

Heero spoke.  “Quatre?”

 

My heart stopped.  Did Trowa love me?  I held my breath, waiting for his answer.  I didn’t know if I wanted him to say yes or no, but it was clear that I didn’t like the idea of him with Heero.  If Trowa said he loved Heero—well, he was my very best friend.  He didn’t make sense with Heero.  But if he loved me—

 

“He’s a sweet kid, but I don’t get it.”  Heero again.  Who was “he?”  Me?  Duo?  Wufei?  Me?  My chest was starting to hurt.  I realized I was still holding my breath.  I let it go in a long sigh.  At least it wasn’t Heero.  “Don’t worry, I won’t tell.”

 

The door opened more fully and I hurriedly pressed myself close to the wall, not wanting to be seen.  I clenched my eyes shut as Heero’s silhouette blocked the light.  I heard the door shut, but no footsteps.  I’d been discovered.

 

I slowly opened my eyes, expecting to see both of them, enraged and ready to tear me apart.  Heero was alone, adjusting the waistband of his shorts.  He watched me, his face serious.  Trowa was still in the bathroom.  I opened my mouth to speak.

 

“Figured you were out here,” Heero said quietly, before I could utter a sound.  His breath smelled a bit like alcohol.  Like beer.  “Go easy on him, okay?”

 

My face burned red in the darkness.  Go easy on him?  For what?  For loving me?  Or for something else?  Heero’s chest and forehead were damp with sweat.  “Did you—“ I asked in an accusing whisper.  “Did you and Trowa—“ I couldn’t bring myself to say the rest.

 

Heero put a hand on my head, ruffling my hair gently.  It was odd—he usually didn’t touch any of us.  “Go back to sleep, Quatre.  He’ll be out any second.”

 

He was right.  It was bad enough that Heero knew I’d been eavesdropping, but I couldn’t bear to have Trowa know, too.  As Yuy made his way back to his bed, I scrambled to mine.  I almost tripped over Duo’s boot again, but at the last moment remembered to hop over its dark outline.  I fell into my blankets and concentrated on calming my breathing. 

 

I felt like a fool.  I had some idea of what had just gone on between Trowa and Heero—I wasn’t as innocent as everyone seemed to think.  Now I wondered how Trowa felt about me.  Even more, I wondered how I felt about Trowa.  I was afraid to face him—scared I’d get angry about Heero and scared of something else.  I was scared of why I’d be angry about Heero.

 

The bathroom door opened and the light clicked off.  I closed my eyes, feigning sleep as I listened to him approach.  My heart began to pound.  I heard the rustle of his blankets and his soft grunt as he knelt on the floor.  I heard the sigh of his breath, and I opened my eyes, pretending to be sleepy.

 

He was two feet away, laying in his on the floor, as I was, his eyes wide in the darkness.  He was watching me.  I smiled, hoping he couldn’t see my cheeks flush red.  “You’re back,” I whispered.  “I woke up and wondered where you were.”  I was happy to see him.

 

Trowa smiled—a rare treat.  “Right here,” he assured me, his voice low.  “I’ll always be right here.”

 

I closed my eyes.  “Good.  Now I can go back to sleep.”  I wasn’t worried anymore.  It wasn’t so hard to face Trowa.  I peeked at him, barely opening my eyes.  Two feet away.  Every night we slept, face to face, just twenty-four inches away from each other.  Something about that seemed all right.