A Gundam Wing Dreidel Fic

 

By the Space Pirate Ryoko and Quatre-sama and Mel Brooks

 

Warnings: This is absolute insanity, bordering on dementia.  Um—please don’t hold it against us; we were drunk (that’s our story and we’re sticking to it!).  Beware of shounen ai, the feminization of Quatre (really badly), singing Maguanacs, and the bastardization of the Fiddler on the Roof.  (And GW, for that matter.)  If you’ve seen Fiddler, the songs will make a lot more sense. ^_^ Heck, the STORY will make a lot—er, some sense. Yes, some of the characters are Jewish. Yes, the Sank Kingdom has many different spellings.  Yeah, we’re a little adverb-crazy. ^_^

Pairings: Abdul x Dreidel (just kidding!!)

Scene I

 

<Somewhere in the Sanq Kingdom>

 

Narrator Voice: With high hopes, humans leave Earth to begin a new life in the space colonies.  But the United Earth Sphere Alliance gains military power, and in the name of justice and peace, seizes control of one colony after the other.  The year is After Colony 195—

 

<the narrator is interrupted by a strain of music from a solo violin.  The camera pans to the roof, where a solitary fiddler (Quatre) plays mournfully>

 

Rashid:  The fiddler on the roof.  Sounds crazy, ne?  But here in our little nation—the Sank Kingdom—you might say that every one us is a fiddler on the roof, trying our best to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck.  It isn’t easy.  You might ask: “Why do we stay up there if it’s so dangerous?”  We stay because the Cinq Kingdom is our home. And how do we stay so balanced?  That I can tell you in one word—Sedition.

 

<cue bombastic music.  Random characters enter, singing>

 

All: Sedition! Sedition! Sedition!

 

Dr. J & Scientists: <sing> Who day and night must argue for our science,

Train the little pilots,

Build the mobile suits?

And who has the skill to plan the strategies

And have the final word in war?

 

All: The Doctors! The Doctors! Sedition!

 

Relena & Zechs: <sing> Who must know the way to run a proper world?

A quiet world?  A peaceful world?

And who must run the country with a gentle hand

To keep the world from everlasting war?

 

All: The Peacecrafts! The Peacecrafts! Sedition!

 

Oz & Zechs: <sing> At eight I joined the Specials’ Force

At ten I learned a trade

I hope that I can die for Oz

My life—is Treize’s!

 

G-Boys: <sing> And who do doctors teach to fight those Earth Sphere pricks?

Destroying all their bases with our strategic tricks!

 

All: The Pilots! The Pilots! Sedition!

<now they all sing, and they dance.  But that’s not dignified for a fic, so we’ll leave it at that.> ^_^;;

 

Rashid: <speaking> Without sedition, our lives would be as boring as a fiddler on the roof!

 

<Quatre continues to fiddle dramatically perched on the roof.  Then he slips and falls.> 

 

Scene II

<At the circus, sometime after Trowa and Quatre meet & play duets>

 

Trowa: <perched upon the trapeze> I wonder where that boy is.  The pretty one. 

<playful calliope music begins>

 

Trowa: <sings> If I were with Quatre . . .  

Yidda diddle diddle

Digguh digguh deedle daidle dum

All day long I’d biddle biddle bum

If I were a married man!

I wouldn’t be so lonely!

Yiddah diddle diddle

Digguh digguh deedle daidle dum

If I were a biddy biddy bum

Digguh digguh deedle married man.

 

I see my wife, my Quatre, looking like a circus wife

With a happy little grin

Supervising acts to his heart’s delight

I see him putting on airs and strutting like a peacock

Oh, what a happy mood he’s in

Speaking with the lions, so polite! //_^

 

If I were with Quatre. . .

Yidda diddle diddle, etc., etc., etc.

 

Lord who made the lion and the lamb

You decreed I should be what I am

Would it spoil some vast eternal plan . . .

If I could be Quatre’s man!?

 

 

Scene III

<in the Maganac village.  Duo and Quatre are in the back yard of Sultan-guy’s estate (around ep. 8??).  Duo is dying vests.>

 

Quatre: <looking cute> Duo Maxwell! What the heck are you doing?

 

Duo: <grumbles> Rashid said I had to earn my keep.  They’re making me dye these vests.

 

Quatre: *Tsk*.  You shouldn’t let your hair hang in front of you like that.  You’ll accidentally dye it. <pulls Duo’s bangs back and ties a kerchief around his head>

 

Duo: *sigh* Will ya help me?

 

Quatre: Sure.  <rolls up his sleeves and ties a kerchief over his own hair> I’ve nothing better to do until Auda comes back.

 

Duo: What’re you waiting for??

 

Quatre: He’s supposed to be making a marriage match for me.

 

<sings a cappella, a faraway look in his eyes>

 

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match.

Find me a find, catch me a catch.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, look through your books,

And make me the perfect match!

 

<begins to waltz by himself, orchestra music begins>

 

Matchmaker, matchmaker, I’ll bring the veil!

You bring the groom, slender and pale!

Bring me the ring for I’m longing to be the envy of all I see!

For Abdul, make him a fighter

For Ahmed, make him rich as a king

For me, well, I wouldn’t holler if he were as handsome as anything!

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match

Find me a find, catch me a catch

Night after night in the dark I’m alone

So find me a match of my own.

 

Duo: <spoken> Eh?? Since when are you interested in boys, Quatre?

I thought you only had your eyes on your books.

Now I see you have your eyes on Rashid’s son!

 

Quatre: *giggles* Why not? We only have one Rashid.  And he only has one son!

Why shouldn’t I want the best?

 

Duo: O.o  Because you’re a BOY!

 

<chases Quatre playfully, mocking Auda’s voice>

Quatre! I’ve found him! You’ll be a lucky bride

He’s handsome! He’s tall—that is from side to side.

But he’s a nice man, a good catch! Right? Right!

You’ve heard about his temper—he’ll beat you every night!

But only when he’s sober—so you’re all right.

 

<spoken>  Did you ever think you might get a prince-ess??

 

Quatre: <sulking prettily> Matchmaker, matchmaker, you know that I’m

Still very young. . . please—take your time!

Up to this moment I misunderstood

That I could get stuck for good.

Dear Auda, see that she’s gentle; remember you were also a bride! <Duo: ^_^;;>

It’s not that I’m sentimental—it’s just that I’m terrified!

 

Duo and Quatre: Matchmaker, matchmaker, plan me no plans!

I’m in no rush, maybe I’ve learned

Playing with matches a boy can get burned

 

Quatre: So, bring me no rings! Groom me no groom!

Find me no find! Catch me no catch!

 

Quatre & the Maganacs: Unless he’s a matchless match!!

<end song>

 

Auda: Master Quatre! I’ve found the one!! She’s the Princess Relena Peacecraft, of the Cinq Kingdom!

 

 

Scene IV

 

<somewhere in the Sank Kingdom, in another scene that’s not from canon GW.>

 

Relena: <standing upon a hill, cupping her hands around her mouth for volume> Rashid! Rashid Kurama! COME BACK AND TALK TO ME!!!!

 

Rashid: ^_^;; Yes Miss Relena??

 

Relena:  Is it true that my brother agreed that I would marry Quatre Winner??

 

Rashid: Why yes, Miss Relena.

 

Relena: It can’t happen.  You see—this boy—Heero.  We made each other a pledge.

 

Rashid: <to himself, oblivious to Relena’s presence, suddenly> They made each other a pledge?

<sings>  They made each other a pledge? 

Unthinkable! Absurd!

They made each other a pledge?

Astounding! Inconceivable!!

 

Relena:  Um . . . so you’ll let me marry Heero instead?

 

Rashid: ^_^;; Sure.  What can I do to stop you??

 

Relena: <smiles amiably> Thank you!

 

Rashid: Er.  You’re welcome. <leaves hastily>

 

Relena: <sits down in the grass to compose a letter to her brother.  One hand is clutched to her heart.>

<sings> How can I hope to make you understand

Why I do what I do?

Why I must travel to a distant land,

Far from the home I love.

Once I was happily content to be

As I was, where I was

Close to the people who are close to me,

Here in the home I love.

 

Who would think that a boy would come

Who would change the shape of my dreams?

Helpless now, I stand with him

Watching older dreams grow dim.

 

Oh, what a melancholy choice this is,

Wanting home, wanting him

Closing my heart to every hope but his,

Leaving the home I love

Yet—there with my love, I’m home!

 

<Relena takes off in the pink limo, not even bothering to thank the ever-faithful Pargean.>

 

 

Scene V

 

<meanwhile, in a tavern near the circus, the Maganacs, Trowa, and random Oz soldiers are drinking.>

(is it just us, or is this fic getting more and more AU??)

 

Trowa: Kurama.  We need to talk.

 

Rashid: <stands and looks intimidating> Eh??

 

Trowa: *gulps* The boy.  Quatre.  Can I have him?

 

Rashid: <leans toward Trowa menacingly> Eh??

 

<Auda hurriedly jumps between them>

 

Auda: Sure!! <hands Trowa some vodka>  Consider it done!! Marry the lad!!

 

Trowa: //_^

 

Auda:<mumbles> I kinda figured Master Quatre swung that way, anyhow.

 

Rashid: Eh??

 

<they all drink>

 

<Russian/Jewish music begins. . . or maybe they’re so drunk they think they hear it!>

 

Rashid: <toasts > Here’s to our prosperity, our good health and happiness! And most important. . .

<sings> To life! To life la kayim!

La kayim, la kayim, to life!

Here’s to the father I tried to be!

 

Trowa: Here’s to my bride to be!

 

Both: Drink la kayim, to life!

To life, la kayim!

 

Trowa: Life has a way of confusing us

Blessing and bruising us

Drink la kayim, to life!

 

Abdul: God would like us to be joyful, even when our hearts lie panting on the floor!

 

Trowa: How much more can we be joyful, when there’s really something to be joyful for?

 

All: To life! To life! La kayim!

 

Rashid: To Quatre, my master—

 

Trowa:  My wife!!

 

Auda: It gives you something to think about! (O.o)

 

Ahmed: Something to drink about! (^____^)

 

All: Drink la kayim to life!

 

Trowa: <toasting> To Maganacs!

 

Maganacs: <toasting> To TROWA!!

 

Rashid: To Quatre, my master—

 

Trowa: My WIFE!!

 

Maganacs: May all your futures be pleasant ones

Not like our present ones.

Drink la kayim to life!!

 

<they dance exuberantly.  Rashid bumps into an Oz soldier.  They glare at each other>

 

Otto: <sings slowly> Ooooooooooh! <mumbles something Russian> (Maganacs: O.o)

Heaven bless you both, to your health, may we live together in peace!

 

<Rashid and Otto perform a Russian dance together>

 

Ozzies: <sing> May you both be favored with the future of your choice!

May you live to see a thousand reasons to rejoice!

 

Otto: A~~~~~~hhh!!  (Maganacs: O.o)

 

 

Scene VI

 

<midnight, somewhere in the Sanq Kingdom, sometime before Zechs loses his marbles.>

 

Rashid: Okay, men—here’s the plan.  We have to free Master Quatre from this marriage pact.  I have a plan.  Go with me on it.

 

Maganacs: <nod>

 

<they show up at Zechs’s front door, looking frazzled>

 

Zechs: <sleepy> Yeah??

 

Rashid:  We need to talk.  I’ve been visited from beyond the grave during me sleep.

 

Zechs: <dryly>You had a dream?

 

Rashid: All right, this is my dream: In the beginning, I dreamt we were having a celebration of some kind.  All the beloved, departed Peacecrafts were there, even your great-great Uncle Milliardo.  And your cousin Vente was there.  And in the middle of the dream, in walks your Great-grandmother Relena, may she rest in peace.

 

<Maganacs snicker>

 

Zechs: *gasp* Grandmother Relena??

 

Rashid: Naturally, I went up to greet her. 

 

[flashback to the made-up dream]

 

Grandmother:<sings> A blessing on your head

 

Dead Peacecrafts:<sing> Mazeltov, mazeltov!

 

Grandmother: To see a Peacecraft wed

 

Dead Peacecrafts: Mazeltov, mazeltov!

 

Scene VII

 

<in the main square of the capital of the Sanq Kingdom (somewhere in the Cinq Kingdom, of course, sometime during the run of GW)>

 

<the Maganacs are staring at a giant vid-screen>

 

Announcer: And now, for political news…. The ballots are still being counted for the election of 2000 AD.  But closer to home, the leader of the Sank Kingdom is nowhere to be found.  Sources say Princess Relena was last seen atop a hill, speaking to a very tall man.  There was some shouting, and now she’s run away to be with her boyfriend, who was captured by Oz sometime around the 24^th episode of Gundam Wing.  Now Trieze Kushrenada will be leading our nation, and the Prince (who won’t admit he’s really the prince) is threatening to drop a space ship on us.

 

Rashid: Well, there goes the Sanq Kingdom.

 

Abdul: You know what they say about a nation called Sank? Once it goes down, it’s down for good!!

 

Auda: Maybe we should pack up and go.

 

Ahmed: <sung> What do we leave?  Nothing much.  Only the Cinq Kingdom.

<music begins>

 

Maganas: The Sank Kingdom.  The Cinq Kingdom.

Underbred, overworked; the Sank Kingdom.

Where I know everyone’s for peace.

 

The Sanq Kingdom, the Cinq Kingdom

Intimate, obstinate; the Sank Kingdom

Where I know every one I meet.

 

Soon I’ll be a stranger in the colonies

Searching for an old sense of peace

From the Sank Kingdom

 

The Cinq Kingdom, the Sank Kingdom

I belong to the Sank Kingdom

 

Scene VIII

 

<somewhere in outerspace>

 

<Wufei is trying out the ZERO system for the first time. He’s overcome with memories>

 

FLASHBACK:

<Wufei and Meiran are running through a field of flowers & butterflies, holding hands and singing joyfully, ponytails flying in the breeze>

 

Wufei:<singing> Wonder of wonders! Miracle of miracles!

God took a Daniel once again!

Stood by his side and, miracle of miracles,

Walked him through the lion’s den!

 

Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles

God took a scholar by the hand!

Turned him around and miracle of miracles

Then gave him to Meiran’s clan!

 

When Mulan slew the mighty Huns—yes! That was a miracle.

When God gave a place for our clan to run—that was a miracle, too.

But of all God’s miracles, large and small

The most miraculous one of all—

 

Meiran: <singing gleefully> Is that out of a worthless lump of clay

God has made a man today!!

 

END FLASHBACK

 

Wufei: <opens his eyes, his future suddenly clear> Treize Kushrenada and Zechs Marquise.  You are my enemies.

 

Ryoko: Eh??

 

 

Scene IX

 

<Time Flies> (hmm. . .  is anyone having fun??)

 

<Lady Une has been shot.  Trieze is at her bedside, with a giant bouquet of roses>

 

Treize: <singing softly> Little bird.  Little Lady Une. 

I don’t understand what’s happening today.

Everything is all a blur

All I can see is a happy girl

The sweet little bird you were, Lady Une

Lady Une . . .

 

<flashback: He recalls lying in a bubble-filled  rose-scented tub as Une looked on with hungry, flashing eyes.  He recalls dancing across a room, Une in a pretty blue dress—er, no—that was someone else. Quatre fiddles sadly in the background>

 

Treize: <still singing. *sigh*>  Little bird.  Little Lady Une.

You were always such a pretty little thing

Everybody’s favorite girl

Gentle and kind and affectionate

What a sweet little bird you were, Lady Une

 

Scene X

 

<outerspace . . .  six days into Hanukkah> ß (yes, remember this!)

 

<Relena stands at a window on the Libra, moments before dawn of the final battle>

 

Relena:<singing> May the Lord protect and defend you

May He always shield you from harm

May you come to me

So I can keep you in my arms

 

<Maganacs hover in space in their mobile suits, praying>

 

Maganacs:<singing in a lovely masculine chorus> May he be secure in his battles

May he be deserving of praise

Strengthen him, Oh Lord,

And keep him from the strangers’ ways

 

<Duo stands away from the other pilots, aboard the Peacemillian, his head bowed>

 

Duo: <singing> May the Lord protect and defend us

May the Lord preserve us from pain

Favor us, Oh Lord, with happiness and peace

 

Scene XI

 

<In space.  Epyon stands on the Libra, staring at the Earth.  Noin’s White Taurus lands by him.>

 

Noin: I won’t get in your way any longer. . . Just permit me to remain by your side.

 

Zechs: Do as you wish.

 

<sweet music gradually begins>

 

Zechs:  <singing> Do you love me?

 

Noin: <spoken incredulously> Do I what??

 

Zechs: <singing> Do you love me?

 

Noin: <singing> Do I love you?

With the world in martial conflict

And there’s trouble all around

You’re upset, you’re worn out

Go inside, go lie down!

<spoken>  Maybe it’s indigestion.

 

Zechs: <shouts> Lucerezia!  I’m asking you a question!

<sings>  Do you love me?

 

Noin: <shouts> I’m your subordinate!

 

Zechs: <shouts> I know!!

<sings> But do you love me?

 

Noin: <sings> Do I love you?

For two years, eight months, four days and seven hours I’ve waited for you,

Fed your dog, watched your sister

Trained your soldiers, kissed up to Trieze

After all this time why talk about love right now?

 

Zechs: <shouts louder> I know!!

<sings pleadingly> But do you love me?

 

Noin: <sings> Do I love him?

For the last two years I’ve pined for him,

Cried for him, lied with him.

For over two years my bed is his.

If that’s not love what is?

 

Zechs: <triumphantly> Then you love me?!

 

Noin: <spoken with a bemused smile> I suppose I do.

 

Zechs: <sings smugly> Then I suppose I love you, too.

 

Zechs and Noin: <singing in unison> It doesn’t change a thing, but even so,

After two years, eight months, four days, and seven hours. . .

<split into pretty harmony>  It’s nice to know.

 

 

Scene XII

 

<Quatre and Trowa go running through the Libra, off to dismantle the ZERO System.  They pause to catch their breaths>

 

Trowa: <playing with Quatre’s hair lovingly> So, what do you want to do when the war’s over??

 

Quatre: <blush> Umm . . . well, it’s still Hanukkah. If this battle ends today or tomorrow, we can exchange gifts, eat latkes, find the gold coins, then light the menorah in memory of the miracle of the lights!!

 

Trowa: //_^;;  <changes the subject>  Don’t you think it’s strange that we’ve come here to dismantle the ZERO system, even though Dorothy doesn’t exist in this fic?? 

 

Quatre: Yeah—just like the Endless Waltz OAVs!  <gazes around the empty room>  I thought something was missing! 

 

<Quatre begins to play-fence with Trowa>

 

 

Scene XII

 

<the war ends—Zechs stopped fighting and flew off to Mars with a White Taurus; Treize was killed by the heroic Wufei, who was finally able to avenge the death of Meiran; and Heero blew up the Libra ‘cause he likes pyrotechnical displays.>

 

<Trowa and Quatre stand together under a beautiful white lace canopy; Howard, dressed in his rabbi-gear (with sunglasses) officiates the wedding, as the two get married to celebrate the new peace>

 

<guests begin singing, as wedding guests are wont to do>

 

Rashid:<singing> Is this the little boy I carried?

Is this the little boy at play?

I don’t remember growing older.

When did they?

 

Abdul: <sings> When did he get to be a beauty?

 

Catherine: <sings> When did he grow to be so tall?

 

Both: Wasn’t it yesterday when they were small??

 

All: <singing solemnly> Sunrise, sunset.

Sunrise, sunset.

Quickly fly the days

Seedlings turn overnight like sunflowers

Blossoming even as we gaze.

 

Une: <sings> What words of wisdom can I give them?

How can I help to ease their way?

 

Sally and Wufei: <sing> Now they must learn from one another

Day by day.  ^____^

 

Duo: <sings>They look so natural together <looks sideways at Heero>

 

Relena: <sings> Just as two newlyweds should be. <also looks at Heero>

 

Duo, Relena, and Heero: <singing in harmony> Is there a canopy in store for me?

 

All: <sing>Sunrise sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Quickly fly the years

One season following another

Laden with happiness and tears

 

<Trowa stomps on the glass, beginning his new life with Quatre.  They kiss.>

 

All: Mazeltov!!

 

 

Quatre: WAIT!!! Do you know what day it is??  <frantically tugs on Trowa’s arm>

 

Duo: Uh… Christmas??

 

Quatre: No!  It’s the last day of Hanukkah!

 

Duo: <sulks> That doesn’t mean it’s not Christmas.

 

<Quatre pulls out a little clay dreidel, then sits on the floor and spins it delightedly>

 

Quatre: <sings> I have a little dreidel

I made it out of clay

And when it’s dry and ready

With dreidel I shall play!

 

<the other pilots look at each other, shrug, and join him>

 

Pilots: <sings> Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

I made you out of clay!

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

With dreidel I will play!

 

<they keep singing, and others join in, creating a nice fugue.>

 

<the Maganacs commandeer the dreidel>

 

Maganacs: <singing in a manly chorus> We’ll try to make it spin!

It fell; we’ll try again!

 

Pilots: <singing, meanwhile> Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

I made you out of clay

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

With dreidel I will play!

 

Ozzies: <popping out of nowhere for a cameo appearance> You, play stupid games!

You!  That’s why you’re lame!

 

Relena: <sings to the Ozzies> Now that you’ve tried

Messing with my kin,

You’ll know

My people always win

<to Maganacs> Keep spinning!

 

Q-sama & Ryoko: <singing and waving “05” banners> Wufei Chang! We love you!

You’re so hot on that show!

 

Pilots: <while others sing their parts> Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

 I made you out of clay!

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

With dreidel I will play!

 

Cartman: You guys stole my song!

 

Kyle: It’s not your song, Cartman! You’re not even Jewish!

 

Stan: <looking cute, since he’s Stan> Don’t be an ass, Cartman!

 

Kenny: Mmmph, mrrph, muphhh!!

 

<bits and pieces of Treize’s mobile suit fall onto Kenny, killing him>

 

Wufei: Injustice! You killed Kenny!!

 

Stan: You bastard!!

 

Cartman: This story sucks ass.  I’m going home.