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By Me!

Once upon a time there were two Kamuis.

The original Kamui was a nice but kind of wimpy boy. The new Kamui, who used to be called Fuuma before he lost his mind, was decidedly not wimpy. In fact, he was so unwimpy that he was a sadistic bastard who liked the taste of blood. It went well with toast.

FuumaKamui cornered KamuiKamui one day and said “Kamui...I am your...father.”

KamuiKamui was disturbed but intrigued. He was about to ask for an explanation, when FuumaKamui said...

“Futatsu no shinken. Futatsu no mirai. I’m sexy.”

KamuiKamui was in complete agreement.

FuumaKamui then proceeded to beat the crap out of KamuiKamui, and left him there to die, or not. KamuiKamui went through a series of flashback sequences, then got up and stumbled off to his home with the seven seals, and some humans too.

Subaru came along, saw KamuiKamui bleeding, and put little heart-shaped bandaids on all of his booboos. It was all very cute, until Seishiro walked by, and Subaru ran off to have some Angst. (TM) Then Subaru decided he was tired of Angst (TM) so he gave the unsuspecting Seishiro a loaded cigar. Seishiro died, really dead, and Subaru ran cackling into the sunset wearing nothing but a thong.

Sorata came upon KamuiKamui and tried to cheer him up with his annoying laugh, but that only made KamuiKamui more depressed, so he went off to bother Arashi instead.

Yuzuriha showed up and started whining about Inuki, so KamuiKamui promptly killed her.

Karen and Seiichiro came along, saw Yuzuriha’s stinking corpse, then deicided to leave without saying anything.

KamuiKamui decided that the time for the final battle had come. He went off to find FuumaKamui.

Meanwhile...

Nataku was following FuumaKamui around like a little lost puppy and calling him “Daddy,” “Daddykins,” “Pops,” “Father,” “Pa,” and other variations. FuumaKamui got annoyed and made Nataku explode, then went to Satsuki, Yuuto and Kanoe, and granted their joint wish to become ducks. He saw Kusanagi, but since Kusanagi was uninteresting, he ignored him.

FuumaKamui then decided to go and admire Kakyo in his hospital gown, but then he killed him because he found out that Kakyo’s wish was for FuumaKamui to parade around in a pink tutu. The writers tried to replace Kakyo with Shougo, but Shougo turned into an emu and mooed like a cow.

FuumaKamui then heard that KamuiKamui was looking for him, so he went to greet him. KamuiKamui couldn’t lift the sword because it was bigger than he was, so FuumaKamui ran him through and the world ended for all humanity, but Satsuki, Yuuto and Kanoe were all right because they were ducks.

THE END