Fromage de Pirate Hiei

A tale of Pirate Hiei and his Cabin Boy Kurama

One afternoon, Pirate Hiei, captain of the large ship the Youkai, was plotting a course to Treasure Island (tm) using his new map. He had big plans for the treasure rumoured to be on that island (A crapload of gold he could use to melt down to make miniature statues of himself with, and could also use to make gold-plated eye patches). Unbeknownst to Hiei, he was in a race for the gold with Urameshi Yuusuke, bandit extraordinaire.

Being in a good mood, Pirate Hiei went above deck to check on the status of the work of his cabin boy. The cabin boy was called Kurama, and the sleeves of his shirt were rolled up as he mopped the deck. He wore a white bandana over his long beautiful red hair.

“Yar har har, give me the treasure!” Pirate Hiei exclaimed, giving Kurama a fierce glare.

Kurama blinked, and replied in his very feminine and yet still sexy voice, “But I don’t have any treasure!”

“Yar har har...then give me your body! I shall plunder ye!”

Kurama was only too happy to comply.

After a short tryst, they arrived at the island. It was unfortunately not treasure island, because the map artist had been an idiot in his life (before Pirate Hiei murdered him for said map of course), and they were now situated at Big Monkey Island (tm). Fortunately, there was also rumoured to be treasure on Big Monkey Island; many crates of gummy bears, Pirate Hiei’s favourite bedtime snack. He liked to be fed the gummy bears by Kurama, which was always followed by a bedtime story read by Kurama, and then a lullaby sung by Kurama.

Pirate Hiei, being the lazy sort, said “Yar har har, Kurama, find me the treasure! I demand gummy bears!”

“Aye aye, cap’n. I’ll go right away.” Kurama went on a swift search to find the treasure, but when he arrived at the location, he found that the treasure was missing!

“Where oh where could the treasure be?” Kurama cried in distress.

“I took it!” the Bandit Urameshi exclaimed, appearing out of nowhere, with bags of gummy bears tied all over his clothing, and several hanging from his mouth. “I am the bandit extraordinaire Urameshi Yuusuke! Who might you be, one who looks like a cabin boy?”

Kurama explained the sad story of his life. He’d been kidnapped as a boy by Pirate Hiei and denied his childhood. Many violins played in the background. Bandit Urameshi told the violinists to get lost because he hated classical music.

Meanwhile...

“Yar har har...Kurama be taking too long! I want my gummy bears! Er...treasure! Yar har har!”

Pirate Hiei followed Kurama’s trail until he encountered...Kurama, chatting it up with Urameshi Yuusuke, bandit extraordinaire, while both of them dined on Pirate Hiei‘s delicious gummy bear horde!

“Yar har har, it’s that bastard Urameshi!” Pirate Hiei exclaimed. “Yar har har..what are you doing with my treasure and my cabin boy?”

“I will defeat you, Pirate Hiei, for what you’ve done to this poor cabin boy!”

Bandit Urameshi and Pirate Hiei engaged in battle. Hiei turned green and removed his shirt, revealing eye patches covering the many eyes all over his body.

Bandit Urameshi threw the first punch, and knocked Pirate Hiei out cold. Kurama, with an angry look about him (he was glowing red and flames spurted from his eyes) said, “What the hell are you doing?”

Bandit Urameshi replied uncertainly, “I am saving you, Kurama!”

“I didn’t want to be saved, you jerk!” Kurama, sufficiently pissed, used his allmighty rose whip to give Bandit Urameshi a beating. Bandit Urameshi was a very determined sort, and managed to remain standing. Kurama decided it was time for drastic measures. He transformed to Youko and used his flowers of ultimate doom to kick Bandit Urameshi’s sorry ass.

Youko Kurama picked up the fallen and very small form of Pirate Hiei, and carried him back to the ship.

~Fin~