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Romeo and Juliet � An Oral Report
This is like a real super-sad play about this dude Romeo and this dudette Juliet. They had names like that �cause it was, like, the real old days, before MTV. So no one had cool names like Heather or Brandon or Shannon. They all had really dorky names like Benvolio and Tybalt and Mercutio.
Anyway, these two families, the Montagues and Capulets, really hate each other. I mean they can�t even walk down the street without bagging out each other �cause, like, that�s what happens right at the beginning. This dude, Sampson who works for old man Capulet, he sees this other dude, Abraham who hangs �round with Montague, and he bites his thumb. I mean, like, Sampson bites his own thumb, not Abraham�s thumb, which in the old days is like saying, �You and your dog!� And Abraham says, �Are you hacking on me?� so they start blueing. But it gets broken up before anybody�s really messed up, you know. And the Prince � he�s like the principal of this whole town � he says, �Hey, next time you get in each other�s faces, I�m gonna twist someone�s head round so their cap�s on straight.�
So then, Juliet�s old man decides he�s going to have this party. But he has to send this servant out to tell everybody, �cause like, they didn�t have phones then. But this servant is like dyslexic or something and he can�t make out the names on the list, so he, like, stops someone to read it. Duh! It�s Romeo.
So Romeo looks at the list, and there are all these names of dweebs, freaks, jocks, dorks, nerds, goobs and revheads. But then he sees Rosaline�s name. She�s this chick he thinks is really hot, so he decides to crash the party, which is like easy, see, �cause it�s a masquerade party.
Meanwhile, Juliet�s mum, she�s trying to fix Juliet up with this guy named Paris. Is that a dorky name or what? I mean, I thought Dweezil and Moon Unit were weird. But Paris? So anyway, Romeo goes to the party even though he�s totally bummed out because he loves Rosaline and thinks she, like, doesn�t love him. But Romeo�s mate, Mercutio tells him, like, �Chill out. Just go. Party down. There�s going to be some hot babes there.�
So Romeo gets to the party and starts checking out the chicks. He sees Juliet and he goes, �Who�s the babe?� And she goes, �Who�s the hunk?� Which is bad, see, �cause, like, Shakespeare already said they have �fatal loins� whatever that means, and they�re �star cross�d� which means both of them are Aquarians. I think.
But that doesn�t stop them. So Romeo starts hitting on her and they hold hands for awhile and, like, he goes, �O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.� And he kisses her, and it�s like, super rad, I mean totally awesome for both of them. But then, Juliet�s nurse pulls her away �cause, like, in the old days, they really had a cow if they caught you pashing.
Juliet�s cousin, Tybalt, sees that Romeo is trying to ease in on a Capulet, even though he�s a Montague. So Tyb says, �Hand me that sword.� But Juliet�s dad says, �Cool it.�
This it�s curfew or something �cause everybody has to leave but when Romeo is heading for his pad, he says, �Check it out dudes, I�m gonna bail,� and he jumps over the fence into Juliet�s yard. He�s like creepin� in the trees and he looks up at Juliet�s bedroom and goes, �Who left that light on,� or something and she goes, �O, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?� And it�s like, duh, �cause he�s standing right under her balcony. But maybe, like, she took her contacts out to go to bed.
So he goes, �Do you wanna get married?� and she goes, �Yeah.� So they do�only in secret. But then, like, right after this, Juliet�s pushy cousin, Tybalt, shows up again and starts getting in Romeo�s face. See, he doesn�t know they�re married �cause he didn�t get an invitation or anything. And like, he should be happy because he didn�t have to buy an electric can opener or anything. He wants to kill Romeo. But Romeo won�t fight him and Tybalt jumps in Mercutio�s face, and him and Mercutio start punching up each other. Mercutio gets killed, so Romeo kills Tybalt, which is like, dumb, �cause now him and Juliet aren�t gonna get any wedding presents.
Then the Prince exiles Romeo, which is like being grounded but like, in the sticks or something. So Romeo and Juliet have to split for awhile. Juliet goes, �O, think�st thou we shall ever meet again?� �cause, like, some guys act like they like you heaps at school but then they never call you. You know?
Romeo leaves and Juliet is really depressed �cause her old man wants her to marry Paris. Duh! She�s already married. But her parents are still planning a wedding, so it looks like she�s going to get an electric can opener one way or another, or maybe even a microwave. But then this priest guy give Juliet this stuff to drink so that everyone will think that she�s like, dead until Romeo can get back from being grounded. But this stuff is so good that everybody think she really is dead and they put her in this tomb thing, you know.
Then Romeo dreams that Juliet has found him dead, and even though he�s grounded in the sticks, he says �Later, I�m outta here.� He takes off to see Juliet, but he stops, like, at a pharmacy for some poison. So he misses this letter that the priest sent that says, �Juliet�s not dead. She�s, like, sleeping.�
But then Romeo sees Juliet and he goes, �Ah, dear Juliet, why art thou yet so fair?� �cause, you know, if she was dead, she ought to be green and starting to smell funny. And that totally bums him so he takes the poison. Duh! Then, you�ll never guess this part. She wakes up and sees Romeo and goes, �O, happy dagger!� and kills herself. I mean, are these people serious or what?
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