Disclaimer: If I said it once, I�ll say it again, the characters in this story do not belong to me but to their respective owners. Sue me if you want but I warn you that all I have is a dead cockroach and soon I won�t have even that because I am seriously thinking of getting a pet turtle and feeding it my dead cockroach. So, if you deprive me of my cockroach, my poor turtle will go hungry and if it dies of hunger, it gives me grounds for counter-suing you for starving my turtle. �Nuff said.
And no, this story does not have a plot. You have been warned. Proceed at your own risk and if you flame me about the shitty plot, I will only reply �Plot? What plot?� End of story. Err, I mean, end of disclaimer, start of story�
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Okay, picture Inuyasha taking a little stroll in the woods near the bone eater�s well. It�s a nice sunny day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining brightly, the trees are green and luscious, butterflies are fleeting here and there and Inuyasha is just walking down the path, minding his own business when suddenly, he spies something before him. This something is a big, juicy bone tied to a long piece of string leading to God knows where but doesn�t care. Now, for my own sadistic purposes, let�s pretend that Inuyasha does not see the string. All he can see is the juicy bone. To prove that he really is a mutt, he bends over with the intention of picking it up. But just when his hand is only a fur�s length from touching the bone, the string pulls it out of his reach. Undaunted, Inuyasha walks over to it and attempts to pick it up again. And again, the bone is pulled away. Still undaunted, Inuyasha continues to go after the big, juicy bone which, in turn, is continually pulled out of his reach. This goes on for several minutes; the several minutes turn to several hours and then to several days.
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Let�s leave Inuyasha for a while and focus on Kaede�s village. Now picture the inside of her hut. We see Kaede tending to a sick patient. Okay, nothing interesting. But wait! There is a loud racket outside. We hear Miroku�s voice screaming all sorts of threats. Shippou walks into the room and heads straight for Kagome�s backpack.
�Are they still at it?� asks Kaede without looking up from her work.
�Yeah, I guess it�s because Miroku is bored out of his wits. Like, I knew he was weird but I�d didn�t think that he�d stoop so low.� Replies Shippou as he scavenges the bag for some particular items. He finds what he is looking for which are; a jumbo sized bag of marshmallows; a 2 litre bottle of coke and some paper cups. He drags these things out of the hut.
As we follow the little kitsune outside we see a rather interesting sight. A noose hangs from the only tree gracing the tiny yard. Miroku is standing on a box beneath the tree with his neck in the noose. A few metres away are Sango and Kagome who seem to be more interested in the small fire they are carefully tending in a makeshift fireplace than in their holy friend.
�Thanks Shippou-chan,� says Kagome when Shippou placed the said items beside her. She opens the bottle of coke, pours it out into a paper cup and hands it to Shippou who then happily laps it up. As she begins to pour out a second cup, she glances at the curious onlookers peering from behind the fence. She smiles politely and invites them all in for a drink. The villagers return her polite smile but no one budges from his or her place. All eyes are on the noosed priest.
Sango sighs, �Houshi-sama, do come down! You�re making a spectacle of yourself!� and she carefully impales a marshmallow with a stick.
�Not until you or Kagome-sama agree to bear my child,� says the priest.
�How many times do we have to say �no� for you to get it?� she asks.
�Until the �no� becomes a �yes�,� he replies.
�Not likely,� she retorts.
�Then I�ll hang myself! I�ll die right here, right now, do you hear me? I�m going to kill myself I said!� he yells.
�Someone should just kick the box away,� mutters Shippou under his breath. Kagome muffles a giggle.
�I heard that, you little brat,� says Miroku, �And just for that, I�m going to come back as a ghost and haunt you for the rest of your miserable life. In fact, I�m going to haunt all of you for the rest of your lives! Be afraid, be very afraid!�
No one speaks and only the cackling of the fire is heard. Miroku looks around a bit and glimpses the fresh faces of young village girls gawking at him in bewilderment.
�Of course,� he continues, �I�m not picky. I�ll gladly denounce death if any of you lovely ladies would bear my child.� The village girls giggle for a while and then walk away.
�Dammit! Doesn�t anybody get it? I�m going to hang myself if no one bears my child. I said, I�M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!�
Sango sighs again. �Houshi-sama, you were going to kill yourself 3 � hours ago.�
�That was different,� he says, �then, I only threatened to slit my throat, now I�m going to hang myself.�
�Your death results in both so they�re the same to me.� She says.
�So, if you would only say yes, then I�ll stop killing myself,� he says.
This time, Kagome sighs. �Sango-chan,� she says, �End all this by saying �yes� will you?� Sango stares at her friend with horror.
�And why don�t you s-say �y-y-yes�?� she stutters.
�Because she�s saving herself for Inuyasha,� replies a half bored Shippou. Kagome blushes but decides to let the comment pass.
�Sango-chan, I�m sick of this so just say �yes� to humour him,� she begs the demon exterminator.
�Yeah, Sango, listen to Kagome-sama,� says Miroku. The aroma of roasting marshmallows has finally persuaded him to get his head out of the noose. He hops off the box, walks over to the group and sits beside Sango. Too close for comfort, Sango edges away. In a desperate attempt to change the subject, she asks,
�Say, where is Inuyasha anyway?�
�Last time I saw him he was strolling in the woods,� replies Miroku.
�That was yesterday,� points out Shippou. Miroku shrugs.
�It�s a big wood.�
�Oh.� And with that the group proceeds to drink coke and eat roasted marshmallows in silence.
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Let�s skip way from this party and see how Inuyasha is getting along. Yep, he�s still following that bone. But, hey, wait a sec; the surroundings are kind of weird. Something tells me that he is no longer in Japan but somewhere in the vast, dusty plains of Mongolia. I wonder how he managed to cross the sea? Any suggestions? No? Okay, shall we get back to Kagome and the others? Okay!
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�What if I say I�m going to jump into the fire?�
This remark is greeted by a series of groans from Kagome, Sango and Shippou.
�It�s too small to do any real harm,� Sango points out.
�Which is a pity,� mutters the little fox. Miroku narrows his eyes and glares at the bushy tailed kid. In a low and evil voice, which is kind of creepy coming from the usually good-natured priest, he says,
�You want I should suck you into my air-rip?� Shippou gulps. Miroku smiles a sinister smile. �You reckon that maybe I should suck in everyone and everything? I could, you know, and I will!� Shippou stares with wide-eyed horror as Miroku gets ready to unwrap the prayer beads that are the seal to his most powerful weapon and greatest weakness.
Sango takes a sip of coke and calmly states,
�Then there won�t be anybody at all to bear your child, Houshi-sama.� Miroku contemplates this for a few seconds and then quietly curses under his breath. Shippou sighs with relief. He�s safe, for now.
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Unbeknownst to this coke-sipping, marshmallow-eating group, a saimyoushou is watching them. It silently leaves its secret hiding place from�it�s a secret�and flies back to the castle that is the residence of Naraku, the evil one�kukuku (Sorry, that is meant to be an evil cackle but, well, I�ve been influenced by baboon pelted dude). Perched on his shoulder, it informs him of all that it saw and heard. Naraku frowns. And where was Inuyasha all this time? Planning an attack? Of course! The rest of the group must�ve acted as a decoy to turn his attention away from the half-breed who is somewhere, out there, beneath the pale moonlight, plotting to kill him. Well, actually WE know that Inuyasha is really somewhere in Mongolia chasing after a bone, but, Naraku doesn�t know that so we won�t spoil it for him. Naraku decides he must not let down his guard. He must plan a counter attack. He smiles a sinister smile (Wonder whether Miroku and Naraku attended the same how-to-do-a-sinister-smile class?)
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Let�s get back to the marshmallow-eating gang now because I�m getting hungry. Kaede walks out to the yard and sits among the friends. Sango promptly hands her a cup of coke and a stick to roast marshmallows with. The aged priestess takes a long, hard look at Miroku who is happily munching away on the sweets.
�So, Houshi-dono, have you denounced death yet?� she asks with a half smile.
�No, not exactly, I�m taking a rest, is all,� he replies between mouthfuls.
�Don�t you think that you aren�t quite yourself today?� she asks.
�No, never felt better in my life,� he replies.
�Then why were you trying to kill yourself?� asks a very nervous little fox.
�For fun, I guess.� shrugs Miroku. Obviously he has forgotten about the earlier threat to �suck� him in. Shippou sighs with relief (again).
�Kagome-chan,� says Sango, �I insist that you stop giving Houshi-sama coffee and chocolate at the same time.� Kagome nods in agreement.
�But I need my daily intake of caffeine and sugar!� whines the priest (Don�t we all? Reminds me, my cup�s empty�).
Says Kaede, �If you youngsters have so much time on your hands, why don�t you all go in search for more shards of the Shikon jewel?�
�Yeah, why don�t we?� pipes up Shippou. Personally, he is weary of the journey that never seems to end but if it would take Miroku�s mind off suicide and annihilating everyone with his air-rip, he�d do it.
�Okay,� says Kagome, �We�ll set out as soon as Inuyasha returns.�
�If he wants in on the food, I say he�d better hurry,� mutters Miroku as he takes another mouthful.
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They wait one day. They wait two days. They wait a third day and still Inuyasha does not return. By this time the gang is getting pretty worried about him. Or at least Kagome is. The others are too happily occupied with a matter of high importance to even think about him. Sango picks up a card and reads, �Go to Jail. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.� Shippou breaks out into a fit of laughter as Miroku reluctantly moves his little piece across the board to the square marked �Jail.�
�My turn!� cries the kitsune and he gleefully throws the die. Eight. He moves his counter across eight squares. ��Six�seven�eight!� and lands on the� �Go to Jail� square. This time, it is Miroku who laughs and Shippou who turns teary-eyed.
�Your turn, Kagome-chan,� says Sango. At the sound of her voice, Kagome snaps out of her trance-like state.
�I wonder where Inuyasha is?�
�Inu-who?� asks Miroku absent-mindedly. Kagome glares at him and he turns to Sango with a �help-me� look.
�You know, the umm, the guy with the ears,� says Sango as she raises her hands to her head and does the floppy bunny ears motion.
�Oh, him!� says Miroku.
�Yeah, what about him?� asks Shippou.
�He�s been missing for three days!� Kagome screams.
�Four,� corrects Kaede.
�Whatever!� says Kagome. Everyone looks at her with an �and-your-point-is?� look.
�Don�t worry, he�s a big boy, he can take care of himself just fine,� comforts Sango.
�Meanwhile, we should sit here and wait for him like the good friends we are,� says Shippou.
�And since we have forgotten whose turn it is, may I suggest we start over?� adds in Miroku hopefully.
�Hey! It�s my turn!� cries Kagome as she hurriedly grabs the die, �I have 2 hotels and 8 houses plus you owe me money, Miroku-sama, and we�re not ending this until you pay me back!� Miroku sighs with dejection. If his luck doesn�t change soon, he�d have to declare bankruptcy.
�Good try,� whispers Shippou who is doing only a little bit better.
�Shouldn�t you guys be out looking for Inuyasha?� inquires Kaede.
�Inu-who?�
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Where is Inuyasha, anyway? We now travel halfway across the world to see how he�s doing. And yes, he�s still chasing after that bone. Doesn�t he get tired or hungry or sleepy? Guess not. Hey, cool! That�s the Sphinx in the background! Inuyasha, with eyes only for the bone, is oblivious to his desert surroundings as he meanders his way through the pyramids.
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Okay, let�s see how Naraku�s counter attack plan is getting on. He is, at the moment, sitting in his dreary room furiously chiselling at a piece of wood in his hands. Against the wall we see a row of his �dolls� all lined up. On the other side of the room, something stirs inside the jars of flesh. He does the finishing touches to his new masterpiece, places it at the end of the line with the others before grabbing another block of wood from the huge pile beside him and starts chiselling away. Hmmm, seems like he plans to make as many replicas of himself as possible and create weird offspring. Go Naraku! Attaboy!
�I�m home!� calls out a voice. After a minute Kagura trots in. �Man, I�m beat!� and with that, she flops onto the floor with a loud thud. Naraku gives her a displeased look.
�Have you found the whereabouts of Inuyasha?�
�No, I�ve searched high, I�ve searched low and he�s nowhere to be found. He�s not anywhere, I tell ya. I even went to that village he hangs around in to see if he�s there but no. His friends don�t seem too upset about him being missing though, which probably does mean that he�s out to get you big time. Yeah, they seem to be doing some sort of weird spell, his friends are. It involves a big, green board and two little white cubes with black dots on it. They even have these weird sutra thingies, in fact they have a lot of �em, they�re little paper rectangles about this big and they have coloured patterns on them, there�s blue �n red �n green �n pink��
�In other words, you failed in your mission.�
Silence.
Kagura stares with terror at the sight of something growing in Naraku�s hand. She stands up quick as a blink and says, �No, you can�t exactly say I�ve failed. I haven�t finished yet, is all. Just thought I�d come back to tell you about that spell, might be important ya know and�I�m off!� and just as quickly, she exits the room and the castle. Naraku resumes his work without further ado.
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Let�s just leave Naraku and his counter attack plan to follow Kagura. She flees from the castle and in to a forest several miles away. She then begins to vent out her anger and frustration on an unfortunate tree�
�Damn you, Naraku!� She punches and kicks the trunk of the tree. �One of these days I�m gonna get my own back at you!� And she does some more punching and kicking. Hmm, this is not good for the tree, methinks that I should change it into a 2D corrugated cardboard prop before Green peace starts suing. She gives the prop one, hard, swift kick whereupon it falls over.
�Owww!� cries a voice from underneath the debris. �Can�t a wolf get some shut eye without having a tree�err�I mean a 2D corrugated cardboard tree prop thingy falling all over him?!� Kouga stands up from where he had been napping, rubbing a large lump on his head. Suddenly he stops to sniff the air.
�Oh f**k, I�m screwed!� thinks Kagura and she tries to make a quiet and dignified retreat. Too late. The swift Kouga blocks her way.
�Yo, Kagura! Just the person I want to see. I still haven�t thanked you yet for KILLING MY TRIBE PEOPLE!� and he slashes at Kagura who ducks. A few more 2D corrugated cardboard trees are ruined.
�Now, now, wolf no niisan, let�s not get too hot-headed�� says Kagura in between ducking and dodging.
�How dare you tell me what to do!� screams Kouga as his claws destroy some more props. Kagura dodges all his blows but suddenly stops in the middle of her tracks. She has just remembered something.
�Hey, I can tackle him! I don�t need to run!� and with that, she turns around to face Kouga, �I am going to kick your canine ass! Fuujin no mai!� At the wave of her fan the debris rise up and fly at Kouga at the speed of light. In a few quick slashes, Kouga turns all this into even smaller debris and soon the forest is covered in a carpet of tiny cardboard pieces. Kagura waves her fan again and the tiny pieces rise up and start swirling around the wolf demon, closely resembling a hurricane.
Kouga�s eyes dart here and there trying to find a weakness in the hurricane. Then, suddenly, all the cardboard pieces disappear.
�Huh, what happened to all the cardboard?� asks a very confused wolf.
�Forget the cardboard! What about the scenery!� screams a horrified Kagura. Kouga blinks at the scenery. Every tree, prop or otherwise, every stone, every blade of grass, every petal of every flower is gone. Even the colours of the sky have disappeared. The stunned demons are left in a totally white background.
�What happened?� asks Kagura. Well, I�ll tell you what happened. I just remembered that cardboard is made from paper and paper comes from trees and Green peace is knocking on my door. So, until Kouga and Kagura get out of their destructive, fighting mode, I refuse to write in any scenery.
�Ow!� cries Kagura and she rubs a brand new lump on her head. �What was that for?�
�For killing my people!� replies a smirking wolf demon.
�Well, back at ya!� says Kagura and she bops Kouga on the head with her fan.
�Ow! Bitch!�
�Ow, stop that!�
�Ouch! No, you stop that!�
�Owww, it hurts!�
�Oww, so why don�t you stop it!�
�Ow!�
�Ow!�
�Ow!�
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Onwards to Part 2