Laying on the bunk in a 6' x 6' cell in LA County Jail, Josh wondered where he had lost control. Grateful that the guards had put him in a cell by himself, since the con three cells down had eyed him in a funny way. Things had really taken an interesting turn over the last 3 weeks, and as he waited for his parents to come and bail him out, he tried to think back and figure out exactly how he had ended up holding the bag, literally.
The day had started like any other day, it had been six months since Justine had died, he had been putting his life back together piece by piece, friends and family had been understanding, but sometimes all the sympathetic looks and "I'm sorry" just about made him nuts. He got up, showering, shaving, which he hadn't cared about for a long time after her death, but everyone else did, so he got back in the habit. And dressed for an interview with a reporter from US magazine. On his way downtown to one of his favorite restaurants, Must Be Heaven, looking forward to one of their famous homemade cinnamon rolls, and a cup of coffee, he had no idea that a girl named Katie was about to turn his life on it's ear.
Enjoying the cinnamon roll, he answered the reporters questions, steeling himself for the inevitable inquiries about Justine.
"Everyone knows of your recent loss, how are you doing?" She asked, waiting with a look of sympathy on her face.
A thousand answers ran through his mind, how would you feel if everything that mattered to you were ripped from your ineffectual hands? Or, just peachy, I'm having orgies at the house every night, you look hot, want to come? Or maybe he could just burst into tears, and look pathetic all while howling "WHY?" at the heavens. Controlling the inner desire to throttle the reporter with her own tape, he gave the answer that everyone expected to hear.
"I'm getting by."
"Just getting by?"
He dropped his face in his hands, shaking his head, they always thought this was him being overcome, what it really was, was him wondering why they all felt they had the right to open this wound again. Why they felt the need to portray him as this tragic soul. He had almost given up on life, but the support of family and friends had pulled him back from the edge, and he almost felt like life was worth living again. Almost, but not quite. And here was another reporter, asking the same questions, again. Looking into her eyes, he reached over and turned off the tape recorder.
"When Justine died, I thought I had died right along with her. I wanted to die, I thought about dying, but a friend reminded me that was not the best way for me to show how much she had meant to me. So I got up, and cleaned myself up from a 2 week drinking binge to try to stop the pain. Then I went on with my life. Do I still hurt? Every damn day. Do I miss her? With every breath of my body. Do I wish she were still here? You betcha. But she's not, and I have to go on. I have to go on every day with people that I barely know looking at me with sympathetic eyes, people that identify me now, not as a singer with 2 platinum CD's, but just as a man who lost his wife under tragic circumstances. And sometimes I think if I hear one more person tell me how sorry they are at my loss, and how I have time to find someone else, I think I'll scream.
Did you get that?" He had spoken in a low, calm, clear voice, no anger in his tone, simply stating fact. When he finished, he popped the rest of the cinnamon roll in his mouth, and washed it down with the last sip of coffe, then signalled the waitress for a refill.
The reporter looked at him with a stunned look on her face, her hand frozen over her note pad, they had all said he was polite, and she had not been prepared for this.
Josh sighed,"I'm sorry, you're just doing your job. I didn't mean to unload on you like that, my emotions are still a little too close to the surface. Could you just say I'm taking it one day at a time?"
"Okay." She agreed.
The interview proceeded, Josh winning her over, making her forget his quiet tirade. They parted company, Josh going to the Porsche. Pulling out of the parking lot, he headed for David's studio, they were working on some new material. He turned on the CD player, he had looped it to one song on a CD that he had been given by a Grobanite who had told him to listen to the 8th track. He had been surprised, but it had helped. As he rode he sang along with it.
"...And do you know
The silent sorrows of a
Never ending journey through the pain.

Do you see a brighter day for me?
Another day?
A day?
Do you wonder what's in store for me?
The cure for me?
The way?

Oh look down and see the tears I've cried
The lives I've lived
The deaths I've died
But you died them too
And all for me
And you say

I will pour my water down
Upon a thirsty barren land
And streams will flow from the dust of
Your bruised and broken soul
You will grow like the grass
Upon the fertile plains of Asia
By the streams of living water
You will grow
You will grow

"This is kind of a downer, don't you think?" A voice said from the back seat, startling Josh so badly he almost wrecked the car.
When he had regained control of the car, and himself, he pulled over to the curb, killing the engine.
A girl, somewhere between 16 and 18 sat in the back seat. She had ducked down behind the seat so he couldn't see her when he got in. Not that he'd looked, he made a mental note to lock the car from now on.
"Who are you?"
She stuck her hand out, "Katie. And you?"
"Josh Groban." He said shaking her hand. "You want to tell me why you're in my car?"
"I needed a ride." She said, resting her head on the back of the passenger seat, smiling sweetly.
"You couldn't just ask? I would have given you a ride, if the reason was good enough."
"Yeah, right." She scoffed.
"Okay, where do you need to go and why?"
"Sixth street, I run numbers for a bookie, and I need to drop off the bag so he can post all the bets."
Taken aback by her audacity, Josh stared at her, blinking his eyes for a few minutes.
"So are you gonna drop me off?" She asked getting tired of being stared at.
"Sure, why not." Josh said, laughing, he started the car, putting it in gear, and took off, his odd passenger crawling over the back seat to sit beside him.

 

Katie fiddled with the radio once she had settled herself in the seat next to Josh, finally finding a rap station, turning it up to uncomfortably loud, even for Josh. He reached over, turning it down so he could hear himself think.
"Do you really run numbers for a bookie?" He asked.
"Yeah, why?" She answered, boogeying to the music.
"How old are you?"
Getting defensive, she looked at him,"What does that have to do with anything?"
"You look like you should be in school."
"I dropped out."
Josh shook his head,"I can't believe your parents were happy with that decision."
"They no longer have any say in my life."
"Just how old are you, really?"
"I'm 14, what's the big deal?"
Josh couldn't believe it, a 14 year old kid, out running the streets, no one caring where she was, or what she was doing. He wasn't sure why it bothered him so much. He knew it went on all the time, he just didn't like that this girl was one of the forgotten few. There was something familiar about her, he couldn't put his finger on what it was, but he found himself wanting to help her.
"Why are you doing this? Don't you want something more?"
"I do what I have to to stay alive." She said lightly, like it was nothing to sweat about.
"What if someone wanted to help?"
She smirked at him,"Are you looking to be my sugar daddy?"
"No! God, no! You seem like a smart kid, someone with...potential. I just want to help."
"Yeah, well I don't need charity, I can take care of myself."
Not sure how to continue, not sure why he wanted to help this girl, Josh stayed silent.
They reached her drop point and she got out, Josh waiting to see what would happen, even though she hadn't asked him to stay. She met two burly, mafia types in black suits and sunglasses. She passed the bag over to them, and an argument began when they examined the contents. One of the men raised his hand to the girl, Josh was sure he was going to hit her, he jumped out of the car, starting to walk over to them. Absolutely certain he was about to be sleeping with the fishes.

 

As Josh crossed the street, he could hear the argument.
"My cut has always been 15%, Big Tony, and you KNOW it! I don't skim, I'm straight! I've never cheated Louie, and if you think I'm gonna let you get away with calling me a liar, you're crazy!" Katie yelled at the larger of the 2 thugs. In his face, even though she only came up to his shoulder, she punctuated every word with a finger in his chest.
Seeing Josh walking up, Big Tony put his hand in his jacket, Katie turned to see what the problem was, and seeing Josh, she grabbed Big Tony's hand.
"Don't, he's with me!"
Pulling his hand out of his jacket, but keeping his eyes on him, he talked to Katie. "I'm going to let this go this time, next time you might not be so lucky." He and his associate walked to the big black car at the curb and took off.
When they were gone, she turned to Josh, "Are you crazy, you could have got both of us killed, right there!" She held her hand in a gun shape, pointing it at him. "You understand?"
"Yeah, I'm beginning to." Josh said.
"KATIE!" A voice called out behind them, "WHERE have you been?"
"We've been looking everywhere for you!" Said another female voice.
A medium height attractive young Hispanic woman walked up to them, followed by a shorter blond. It was obvious they were both members of the "oldest profession", and Josh's eyes got really big when he saw what they were almost wearing.
"Hey Andi, Susie Q, I was just making my drop."
"You were supposed to be home an hour ago." Andi said, hugging her little friend.
"We were worried." Susie Q said, also hugging her.
"Who's this?" Andi said, glancing at Josh, appraising him with her gaze.
"He's cool, his name is Josh. He gave me a ride."
"More like you took me for one." Josh muttered.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Susie Q said, moving very close to him.
"She stowed away in the back seat of my car."
Turning on Katie, her two "mother" figures, gave her a look.
Holding up her hands as if she were the soul of innocence, Katie gave them an innocent grin. Smacking her in the back of the head, Andi groused at her.
"How many times have I told you not to do that, one of these days you are gonna get yourself killed!"
"He's a nice guy, I scoped him out in the restaurant before I jumped in the car." She said in her defence.
"Listen, I can see you're back in safe hands, I'm gonna go. Ladies." Josh started to walk back to the Porsche.
"Thanks for the ride, Josh!" Katie yelled after him.
His hand was on the door handle, something wouldn't let him leave, he stood there for several seconds, trying to think of a good enough reason to let this feeling slide away, but he couldn't. Something in him needed to help this girl. Reaching in the glove compartment, he pulled out a pen and paper, then walked back over to the three girls.
"Forget something?" Susie Q asked suggestively.
"Shut up, chica!" Andi said smacking her in the stomach.
Walking up to Katie, Josh handed her the piece of paper he had been writing on as he crossed the street.
"I don't know why I'm doing this, but if you ever need anything, a ride,...anything...call me, okay?" He looked into her eyes as he said it, there was nothing but sincerity in his expression, he wanted to help her, if she would let him.
Katie looked down at the paper, it was his name and phone number, and cell phone number. For a second she wanted to cry, someone to trust, someone who didn't want anything from her. She looked into his eyes, they were pretty, for a moment the cool, tough exterior dropped, and she was just a 14 year old kid, and this guy wanted to help her. And she knew she could trust him. Blinking a lot, she put the paper in her pocket, the pocket she kept all her important stuff in. Sticking out her hand, Josh taking it, she shook it.
"Thanks, Josh, I'll remember that." And she smiled. A real smile, not the fake, sarcastic smiles that kept the world at a distance, but a real smile.
Josh smiled back.
"I'll see you around then?" He said, and walked back to the Porsche, feeling lighter than he'd felt in a long time.

 

It had been two weeks since Josh's chance encounter with Katie, and her two friends. He thought about her, wondering what she was doing, hoping she was safe. His attitiude had improved greatly, for some reason helping this little girl, knowing she existed, had made him feel better. He didn't know why, he had even talked about her in his weekly grief counseling sessions(his parents had insisted). Dr. Mason was very good at her job, a motherly type, she listened and made comments, the comments were usually dead on. She had made a difference for him , so he kept going.
"How have you been, Josh?" Dr. Mason said, as she greeted him at her office door.
"Not bad." He said as he took a seat beside her work chair.
"What's been going on with you?"
"I need to talk about that little girl who stowed away in my car."
"She still on your mind?" Dr. Mason said, as she sat down picking up her notepad and pen.
Josh sighed, leaning back in the chair, he scrubbed his face with both hands, "There's something about her, something I can't put my finger on, she seems...familiar. And I want to help her."
"You feel protective of her?" Dr. Mason suggested.
Josh thought about that, "Yeah, I do feel protective."
"Do you know in what way?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you see her as a little sister?"
"No, it's different than that, it's...I don't know, it's something I've never felt before, and I don't have a label for it."
"Do you think you love her?"
"I don't know her very well, how could I love her?"
Dr. Mason looked at him, "No, Josh, do you "love" her?"
Josh looked at her, not understanding, then the emphasis Dr. Mason had placed on "love" sank in.
"No! Nothing like that, I just feel responsible for her, I know it sounds nuts, but I do."
Dr. Mason thought about that one, "Responsible, you mean like a parent?"
A light turned on, that was it! Josh had been feeling fatherly!
"Oh, my God! You're right."
"What do you think about that?"
"I don't know, and I don't know why I feel like that, I just do."
"So you feel the need to rescue this child?"
"Rescue seems like a pretty strong word, I just want to help her. I was so lucky to have the parents I had, I never had to face things like she's had to face, I just want to help. Am I nuts?"
Dr. Mason smiled at that, "No, Josh, you're not nuts. Sometimes when you experience a loss like yours, it puts you more in touch with others who are hurting. Just don't let it get you into trouble, okay?"
"Okay."
She looked at the clock, "Time's up, see you next week?"
"Yeah, Dr. Mason." He got up to leave, turning back to her, "And thanks for understanding."
"That's my job, Josh. Have a good week."
Josh left the office, riding the elevator down to the ground floor. He walked into the parking lot, and found, to his surprise, Katie, leaning on the car, checking out the contents of her bag. Smiling hugely, he walked up to her, Katie smiling just as big when she saw him.
"Hey, Josh-man!" She said.
"Katie, I was just thinking about you."
She glanced at him, her eyes narrowing,"Is that good or bad?"
Josh held his hands up, laughing,"It's good. I promise."
"Okay, then, I wouldn't want to have to deck you or anything."
"Do you need a ride?"
"A mind-reader, I like that! Yeah, same place, I'm running late again."
Josh nodded, feeling the deja-vu familiarity with this little girl, "Okay, hop in."

 

As he drove Katie to her sixth street rendezvous, Josh tried to think of a way to offer help that would not offend her. Not being able to think of anything right off, he decided to just jump in and talk to her.
"Katie, if I could find a way to get you off the streets, would you go back to school?"
She looked at him, an irritated look on her face,"I don't live on the streets, I live with Andi and Susie Q. I make my way, I told you, I don't take charity."
"I know, I'm not offering charity, what if I could help all three of you, would you let me?"
"Why are you acting like this, I thought you were cool."
Josh searched his mind trying to find a way to convince her that he only wanted to help.
"Did you run away from home?" He asked, changing tactics.
"Yeah, I did. And I will NEVER go back there."
"What about foster homes?"
She looked at him and laughed, "Have you ever been in foster care?"
"No, my parents were pretty cool."
"Well, I was, when I was 10. I'd rather be on my own."
"What if I could find a place that would be good for you, would you try?"
Katie was frustrated, she wanted to be mad, she wanted to smack him, but she couldn't. He made her feel...safe, dammit!
He was cute, but she didn't feel "that way" about him, he was more like a big brother. And she knew he just wanted to help, she just wasn't sure she wanted help. Her life had been okay until she stowed away in his car. Now she found herself dreaming of something better, like the Brady Bunch, or Cosby even. Someone who believed in you and what you could do.
"You're gonna miss the turn," She pointed, trying to change the subject, cause she didn't want to hope, it was hope that crushed you. She wasn't ready to hope again.
He turned, Big Tony and associate waiting for Katie, he pulled up behind their car and stopped. Turning to Katie, he grabbed her arm, "Would you just think about it?"
She sat for a long time, looking at the floorboards, wanting to pull away, but not wanting to pull away, maybe....
"I'll think about it," She said in a small voice, unable to look at him, unable to look at the hope she saw in his eyes.
"Good." Josh said, letting her go.
She made the drop, no arguments this time, and got back in the car with Josh.
"Can I drop you off at your place?" He asked.
"Okay." She answered, and they were off again.

 

Josh pulled up to a broken down old brownstone type building, in not the best neighborhood in LA. Parking the car in front, this time he locked it, AND set the alarm. He and Katie walked up to the third floor, he could hear arguing, children crying, loud music playing all behind the doors of the other apartments, like worlds within worlds, and none of them touching his life before this time. The smell of the building was unpleasant, part of him was appalled that Katie had to live like this, that anyone had to live like this. They came to the door of the apartment she shared with Andi and Susie Q. As Katie reached for the doorknob, the door flew open. Andi stood there, barely dressed again.
"You are late again, chiquita!" She started, seeing Josh, she grinned, "But you brought the cute one with you again, so I'll let it slide, don't let this become a habit, you little ankle-biter!"
"Yes, mamacita," Katie said obediently, rolling her eyes at Josh.
Josh wasn't sure what he'd expected, squallor, filth, rats, he was pleasantly surprised. No decorator in the world would have fessed up to decorating the place, it was definitely early garage sale motif, but it was clean, and neat. Things in place, and made to look as good as they possibly could. There was even a computer in the corner, someone had been online with the local community college, obviously taking a class. There were notebooks and pens all carefully lined up, and a few textbooks stacked beside them. Andi noticed he was looking at the desk.
"I take classes online, I'm only 4 credits away from my masters in psychology." She looked at him with a smirk, waiting for the inevitable reaction.
"Really?" Josh said, totally taken aback. He wasn't sure how to respond, and from her look, she was expecting sarcasm, or an insult, so he decided to stay quiet.
Andi laughed, "Okay, so maybe you are okay. Most people react with, "But you're a ..." then they stop themselves." She slapped him on the fanny, pointing to the sofa.
"Take a load off, Josh."
Josh sat, Katie sitting beside him, putting her feet up on the coffee table. Andi knocked them off with her knee.
"We've got REAL company, don't act like a barbarian." She chided Katie.
"It's just Josh, God, Andi."
"You could pretend you have manners once in a while."
"Yes, ma'am." Katie said, her tone dripping sarcasm, then she stuck her tongue out at Andi.
"Actually," Josh said, interrupting, "I was talking to Katie about something, and I thought I'd talk to you and Susie as well."
Andi took a seat in the armchair that was adjacent to the sofa. She leaned forward, expectantly.
"What about?"
"What if I could get you off the streets? Maybe a shelter, or something, I don't know. Would you be willing to let me try?"
Andi looked at Katie, "What lies have you been telling him, you little hoodlum?"
Katie held her hands up, "This was HIS idea! I didn't have anything to do with it!"
"It was my idea,"Josh said, "I've led kind of a sheltered life, I guess you could say, and I wanted to help, I haven't thought this completely through, but I don't know...I just want to help."
As Andi was about to reply, Susie Q burst through the door, locking it securely behind her.
"We've got problems! BIG problems!! Big Tony is on his way over here, with LOUIS!!! I told you this would backfire, Katie, I TOLD you this would happen!" She yelled.

 

Andi stood, walking to her friend, she grabbed her shoulders, shaking her.
"What do they know?!" She yelled at Susie Q, trying to calm her down.
"One of my regulars told Big Tony about a bet he placed with Katie, and Big Tony checked him out. They didn't have any record of him.."
"Crap!" Katie exclaimed, they're about six months faster than we thought they'd be!"
"Just stay calm, stay calm! We can figure a way out of this!" Andi yelled.
"HEY!" Josh yelled, they all stopped an looked at him.
"Now that I have your attention, WHAT is going on?"
They all started talking at once,"HEY!" He yelled again, pointing at Andi, "You explain."
"We started taking bets from our "customers" behind Louis' back. We were going to relocate in six months. We would have had enough to get out from under all of this. Somebody ratted us out. Early. We gotta get out of here. Like NOW!"
"Too late!" Susie called from the window."There they are. And Louis does NOT look happy."
"Is there a back staircase?" Josh asked.
"What?" Katie asked.
"A back staircase? We go down the back staircase, and leave in the Porsche when they are on the way up here."
"You're not involved in this." Susie said.
"Big Tony has seen me, you really think they're going to let me stroll out of here and be a witness against whatever they might do?"
"You got a point!" Andi said, she grabbed some discs off her desk, Susie grabbed a bag out of the freezer, and Katie grabbed a teddy bear.
"This way!" Andi said, taking point.
They rushed down the hallway, going out a window on the side of the building they ran down the fire escape, Josh going first when they reached the bottom to pull down the ladder so the girls could come down safely. They looked around the side of the building. No one was there, they ran to the Porsche. Susie Q squeezing into the back, Katie sitting in Andi's lap. They slammed the doors, Josh peeled out from the curb, as Big Tony, Louis, and Big Tony's associate came running out the front, Louis stopping Big Tony from shooting at the car.
"You HID back here!" Susie Q complained, trying to get into a postion where she could breathe.
"If your butt weren't so big, you wouldn't have that problem!" Katie smarted back.
"If I could move I would give you such a smack!" Susie fussed at her.
"Would you two shut up!" Andi said, taking charge. "Where are you going?" She asked Josh.
"The nearest police station." He answered.
"Police station?" Andi asked, "Oh, good idea, two street walkers, and a juvenile numbers runner going to the police for help, running from a local crime boss for trying to start their own numbers game. Yeah, Susie and I will be in women's prison and the chiquita here in juvie hall before you could say, "But, officer!", Are you crazy?" She exclaimed.
Josh shifted gears, his hand brushing Andi's smooth thigh, the touch of her skin rattling him for a moment.
"I'm open to suggestions!" He said.
"Where could we go?" Andi was thinking out loud.
Josh shifted again, brushing Andi's thigh again, "Sorry." He muttered, turning red.
Andi looked at him, her eyes holding his for a moment, "It's okay. We've gotta go somewhere where Louis won't think to look for us. How about your place?" She asked Josh.
"Don't you think that's the first place they would look?"
"Good point." Andi said.
A place popped into Josh's head, he hadn't been there in six months, he wasn't sure he could stay there, but it was the only place he could think of right now.
"I know a place." He said quietly, and turned off to head for the valley.
He couldn't talk for the rest of the ride, the girls all trying to figure a way out of the mess they were in. When he pulled into the drive of Justine's studio, his stomach tightened into a knot. He pulled the car around the back, so it couldn't be seen from the road, and killed the engine, unable to look at the building.
Andi noticing his discomfiture put a hand on his shoulder.
"You okay?"
Josh looked at her, faking a smile, "Yeah, I just haven't been here in a while."
"Memories?" She asked.
"Let's go," He said, avoiding the issue.
He walked up the outside stairs to the studio, pulling out his key, he opened the door, and almost went to his knees at the scent of paint, perfume, that met him. Walking in a little unsteady, he hit the light switch, lighting the past that threatend to bury him in a tidal wave of memories. Walking to the wall of pictures that he hadn't been able to look at since her death, he studied Justines' face, happy in his arms, his face smiling and happy. The girls walked in behind him, sensing something, Andi motioned for them to be quiet. Katie walked over to the sofa, and flopped down. Susie Q walked around, spotting a framed pencil drawing, a pencil drawing of Josh in the all-together, obviously drawn by the hand of someone VERY close.
"DAAAAMMMMMM!!!" She breathed quietly, appreciating the subject.
Andi walked up behind her, smacking her in the head. "Shut UP, chica!" She hissed.
Susie Q showing her the drawing, Andi also appreciating the artist's work. But silently.
Putting it back, they sat on the sofa, waiting for Josh to come back to himself.

 

When he could tear himself away from the photos of happier times, Josh pointed out all the facilities of the studio. There was food, mostly canned, they decided to wait until after dark to go for provisions, less chance of being spotted. Josh remained quiet and preoccupied for most of the day, Katie and Susie Q watching the small TV that was in the sleeping area. Andi busied herself with her disks on the laptop computer that Justine had kept in her office area. Josh, tried to close his eyes, protect his heart, the memories were too powerful here. So many of their firsts had happened here. The first time they had been together, when they had found out she was pregnant, so many memories. He swallowed against the lump in his throat, he didn't know how long he could stay here, and not go mad.
Andi walked up, sitting beside him on the sofa.
"Who was she?" She asked quietly.
"My wife." He answered quietly, his voice barely above a whisper.
"She's pretty."
"I always thought so."
"It's funny, Katie looks a little like her."
"What?" Josh asked startled.
"Katie's eyes are a lot like hers, and her mouth. But her hair is like yours, dark and curly."
Josh looked over at Katie. It had been right there, staring him in the face, Katie reminded him of Justine, she looked like their child might have looked. Whatever the powers that be were, they had sent him someone to help, someone to heal the hurt in his heart, someone to help him reclaim his soul. All in the person of a smart mouthed, numbers running, juvenile delinquent. The look of wonderment on Josh's face made Andi laugh.
"You didn't see it, did you?" She asked.
"Not til this minute."
"Sometimes it takes someone outside yourself to help you see the obvious."
He looked at Andi, and smiled, "Is that psychology?"
She shook her head,"Just common sense."
"You're a nice lady, Andi." He said.
"I haven't been called that in a long time."
"Nice?"
"Lady."
"That's a shame."
"A damn shame."
Josh looked at her for a long time, thinking to himself, of all the people in the world, his personal angels were two hookers, and a future bookie. He laughed at the irony.
"You never know..." He muttered to himself.
"What's funny?" Andi asked, puzzled.
"Nothing, just life can surprise you when you're not expecting it." He looked at his watch, "It's dark enough, I'm going to run to the store, I'll be back in a little while, okay?"
"Hurry back, we're trusting you with our lives."
"Don't worry, I won't let anything happen to you, any of you." Walking to the door, he turned back and smiled at her, "I promise."
He found a small market near the studio, and loaded up on perishables, remembering snacks and potato chips, he remembered those as a staple of the teenage diet. He drove back to the studio, parking around the back, he unloaded, and barely made it up the stairs, Andi opening the door when he got to the top. They put up the groceries, like a regular little family. Andi making dinner, and surprising Josh that she could cook. They all settled down, Josh still couldn't go near the bed, he insisted that the girls sleep in there, he'd take the sofa.
"Such a gentleman." Susie Q cooed at him. She and Katie crashed for the night. Andi still working at the computer, Josh dragging the TV to the end of the sofa, watching CNN. But not really paying attention. Stretched out on the sofa, his eyes closed, but unable to sleep in the too intimate surroundings. Memories of Justine played through his mind, her laugh, her smile, her scent, the way her skin felt against his hands, his body, all conspiring to slowly make him insane. He heard Andi close down the computer and get up, he sat up.
"Can't sleep?" She asked, sitting beside him on the sofa.
He leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs, his hands clasped tightly.
"No," He answered softly.
"Sensory overload?" Andi asked, her hand resting gently on his back.
Josh almost jumped out of his skin when her hand touched him, instead he stood and paced the room.
Andi watched him in silence, not offended that her touch had bothered him.
"Have you been with anyone since her death?" She asked quietly.
"Excuse me?" Josh asked, startled, turning to look at her, his hand holding the back of his neck, the other hand shoved deep into his pocket.
"Have you even touched another woman since she died, Josh?"
"I hug Grobanites all the time, every time I make an appearance, they're over 90% women."
Andi rose from the sofa, she stood in front of him, very close, uncomfortably close.
"That's not what I'm asking."
"I can't..."His voice husky, shaking his head as he backed away from her.
"Would you give me a hug, Josh, this has been a rough day, and I could really use a hug, just a hug, nothing more." She moved closer.
Josh held his hands out, trying to keep Andi from seeing how badly they were shaking.
"Andi.." He tried to say something reasonable, anything that would show her he was alright, but the words wouldn't come out, they couldn't make it past the lump in his heart that had been there ever since he walked through the door.
"It's okay, Josh, I just want a hug." Her hands slid around his waist, slid up his back, pulling him softly against her. His arms at his sides, Josh was in torment, his flesh wanted so much to hold someone, but his heart...his heart could only think of Justine. Slowly, his agonized hands opened, his arms moved around Andi, trembling with emotion he held her in his arms, the memory of Justine so powerful he could almost see her. His left hand moving to the small of her back, his right hand moving to her head, he held her head against his shoulder, resting his head against hers. Andi held him, she was afraid he would fall if she didn't. She held him as he said the name that would be in his heart forever. She held him until he stopped shaking. She held him, and she understood.

 

Josh and Andi sat side by side on the sofa, Josh holding Andi's hand. If you had asked him, he would have been surprised to realize he was holding it, but something in him needed the human contact. They had been talking for a couple of hours, actually Josh had been talking for a couple of hours, Andi had mostly listened. Andi prompting him with questions when he fell silent. As he talked, something inside him relaxed, and he could breathe easier.
"Does anyone let you talk about her?" Andi asked.
"Not really, it makes people uncomfortable. I talk to my grief therapist, but even that isn't enough. It's not the same as just talking about her, you know? Remembering with people who knew her, talking about some of the funny, or sweet, or goofy things we did. It's just not the same."
"What do people do when you talk about her?"
Josh sighed,"My mom starts crying, and I can't stand that, I can't bear it when my mother cries. It just totally kills me. My dad tells me to hang in there it will get better. All the other people in my life try to tell me how to get over it, and all I want to do is just TALK about her. It's like instead of dying, she just ceased to exist. All memory of her erased, or filed away as too difficult to talk about. I know the emotions are too close to the surface, I almost made a reporter cry the day I met Katie." He laughed at the memory.
"What did you love the most about her?"
"Is it possible to break a person down that way? I loved HER. I don't know if I can chose any one thing that made me love her."
"Then what was it about her that first attracted you?"
Josh thought about it for a moment, and knew it was the first moment he met her, "Her intensity. She had known loss, she savored every moment that life was kind enough to grant her. Just being around her made me feel so in touch with everything, myself, the world around me,...her. Justine was unique in a world that doesn't always appreciate the unique." His eyes focused inward, he shook his head, "God, I loved her." He whispered.
"You seem a lot calmer now."
"I feel calmer, I thought I was going to go crazy when we came in here. She's everywhere here, even worse than at our house. This was HER space. You can feel her soul here. It was torture when we came in, I thought I was going to curl into a ball and start wailing. It's not as bad now. I can still feel her, but ...I don't know how to describe it."
"You feel at peace?"
"YES! Like I can think, I can breathe, for the first time in six months. I can allow myself to think about her, and not hurt."
"Because you were allowed to talk about her."
Josh nodded his head, "Without having to worry about the other person's reaction. I could just talk, about anything I wanted to, about her hair, her smile, you know she always cut the crust off the bread, I mean who does that? But I knew if she was making sandwiches, the crust would be gone."
"That's funny."
"She had the quirkiest sense of humor, even worse than me. She always got my jokes. Or at least she was good at pretending she did."
"You miss her?"
"She's still alive to me. I keep rolling over at night expecting her to be there."
"Do you feel okay about missing her?"
"Sometimes, and sometimes, I feel guilty."
"Why guilty?"
"Because if I talk about her, it makes everyone uncomfortable."
"So you keep it inside?"
"It's easier."
"Pretty tough on you."
"It's still easier."
"So what do you want to do now?"
"You know, it's funny, but I think I know, I just don't want to say right now."
"Why not?"
Josh looked at Andi, over at Katie, and Susie Q. "It involves you three. My guardian angels."
Andi smiled at Josh,"I've never been called that before."
"Then it's about time. You're good at this."
"What?"
"The psychology thing."
"What can I say, it's a gift."
"You're only 19, how is it you almost have a masters?"
"I ran away at 12, got my GED at 14, and I've been online ever since. Who knew I was a genius?"
Josh laughed,"Yeah, who knew?"
"Well. my friend, it's getting late, I'm gonna crash."
Josh stood as Andi stood, he hugged her, a real hug this time.
"Thanks, Andi."
"Anytime, Josh."
She went over to the bed, pushing the other two over to make room, she lay down, Josh turned off the lights, laying down on the sofa, looking at the wall of photos, lit up by a streetlamp shining in through a window, he looked at the face of his beloved.
"Good night, Justine." Somewhere in his soul, she answered.
Closing his eyes, he fell asleep.

 

Josh woke to the smell of coffee, rubbing his eyes, then his face, he sat up, to find Katie sitting on the floor beside him, holding a cup out to him. Taking it gratefully, he sipped the soothing warmth, and turned around so Katie could sit beside him. She regarded him in silence, her expression unreadable.
"What is it?" Josh asked when the brew had jumpstarted his brain enough for him to speak.
"I look like her."
"What?" Josh asked, confused.
She pointed to the photos of Justine, "I look like your wife."
"Have you been talking to Andi?"
"Nope, I figured it out for myself. That's why you want to help me, I look like her."
"Not just her," Josh said, touching Katie's dark curls.
"Does it make you feel better?" She asked, looking into his eyes, looking for lies.
Josh looked down at the cup, studying his image in the dark liquid.
"Yes, it helps me feel better. Is that okay with you?"
"I guess, this isn't some weird obsession, and you're going to go psycho on me, is it?"
Josh laughed, totally surprised by her, "I don't think so, I just like you, kind of like a dad, is that okay?"
"You're not old enough to be my dad."
"Yeeesssss, I realize that. I can't help how I feel."
"Are you a dad?"
"I would have been."
"If she hadn't died?"
"Yeah." He said, a little sadly.
"Does it hurt to talk about her?"
"Not as much as it used to."
"Okay. So what do I call you?"
"How about Josh?"
"We have a winner, boys and girls, Josh it is!"
"Did you make this coffee?"
"MM-hmm, I make coffee every morning for Andi and Susie Q."
"You don't drink it?"
"Are you kidding? It smells great, but it tastes nasty!"
She said it just as Josh was taking a sip, and he nearly choked to death on the coffee, laughing and coughing.
"Hey, are you trying to kill our protector?" Susie Q said, rubbing her eyes as the coffee aroma woke her. Poking Andi in the side, she rolled out of bed to get a cup. Andi stretched herself awake, and the four of them sat around til the caffeine kick started all those who needed it. Andi started breakfast as they gathered around the small table in the kitchen area.
"We can't stay here forever, what are we going to do?" Susie Q asked.
"Maybe we should just leave town?" Katie said, "Susie Q got our stash, we have enough to start over."
"As what?" Josh asked, "Look I know all of you, and I like all of you, I don't want to worry that I'm going to get a call, or see in the paper that something terrible happened to one of you." Looking at Katie, "I don't think I could take it. Don't you think it's time you made a change?" He looked at all of them, his eyes meeting Andi's.
"What kind of change are we talking about here, Josh?" Andi asked.
"A big one."
"Okay. Can you give us more details?" Andi asked.
"Not yet, you're going to have to trust me for now."
"That's asking a lot." Andi said.
"I know." Josh said, looking at all of them.
Katie and Susie Q deferring to Andi. She thought about it for several seconds.
"Okay, I hope you know what you're doing."
Remembering the last time a woman had said that to him, Josh knew that he did. He changed into clean clothes from some that had been left here, and went out to try to make life safe for his three guardian angels.

 

Josh pulled away from the studio, and pulled out his cell phone. Dialing Louis' number, the number he'd gotten from Katie, he waited for an answer.
"Hello." Louis answered his phone on the fifth ring.
"Is this Louis?" Josh asked, as he steered his way downtown.
"Yeah, this is Louis, who is this?"
"My name is Josh."
"We've been looking for you. You got my employee. Where can I find the little snot?"
"I'm not going to tell you that."
"Then we got nothing to say to each other."
"Wait!" Josh said. "I have the names of all the new clients they were working."
There was silence for a very long time, "I'm listening." He said.
"I'd like to arrange a deal."
"You should come to my office. We can talk."
"What's the address?"
Louis told him, Josh headed for it. Pulling the Porsche up to a small "family" owned Italian restaurant, he parked, and went inside. Recognizing Big Tony, he went up to him.
"I'm here to talk to Louis."
Big Tony looked down at Josh from his 6'4", his unibrow raised in a look of dull bemusement.
"Louis is waiting for youse."
"Youse?" Josh repeated.
"Are you making fun o' me?" Big Tony rumbled.
"Not at all." Josh answered.
Big Tony led the way to Louis' office. He stood at the door til Josh entered, then followed him inside.
"Where's the list?" Louis asked.
Josh looked at him, a wizened little man, with a wrinkled face, white hair, getting thin at the temples, gnarly hands, hardly imposing, yet this little person called the shots.
"I have it, but I'm not giving it to you until you agree to leave Katie alone."
"Oh, absolutely." Louis said, smiling.
"Uh-uh," Josh said, "I made copies, if you don't leave Katie alone, I'll mail them to the police."
"You think you got this all figured out? Big Tony, off this guy." Louis said.
Big Tony sighed heavily, "I cannot do that, Boss."
"What?!" Louis yelled.
"He is Josh Groban."
"So?" Louis asked, beginning to get irritated.
"I recognized him the other day."
"So?" Louis said, irritated.
"I told my wife I had seen him."
"You had better have a point, Big Tony." Louis said, his face red with irritation.
"She is a fan, so is my daughter, and my mother, and my mother-in-law. I told the wife I might have to rough him up. Boss, she threatened to off me and bury me in the sewer, and my daughter said she would help, and so did my MOTHER! I'm sorry, Boss, they would do it! I can't hurt this kid." He hung his head sheepishly.
Shaking his head, Louis looked at his other associate.
"Joey, do you have any problems with offing this kid?"
Joey, opened his jacket pulling a chrome plated 44 caliber Smith and Wesson out of its holster. He slowly turned toward Josh, then pointed his gun at Louis.
"Actually, I do, Louis," he pulled a badge out of his pocket. "Federal Marshall, you're under arrest!" Several marshalls flooded the room, Josh found himself, face down on the floor, being handcuffed, and none too gently. As the marshall patted him down, he found something, and opened Josh's shirt.
"This kid is wired!"
"What?" Marshall Joey said.
"Look, he's wired, and this is a police wire!"
"Just book him with the rest of them, we'll sort him out when we get them to the station."
So, Josh had to endure a ride in a police car, being booked, finger printed and photographed holding a number. Which brought him back to sitting in a cell, in LA County Jail, waiting for his parents to come bail him out, before the con in the third cell could make good on the suggestions he'd been yelling at Josh ever since he walked past him. He hoped the DA would get things worked out with the Federal Marshalls, but he doubted it would be in time to save his "virtue", so he decided to count on his parents.
Jack and Lindy arrived in time, and Josh was released into their custody. Looking at him with worried eyes, as he claimed his possessions, and put them back in his pockets, he kissed his mother on the cheek.
"Thanks, Mom and Dad, it's a long story, I promise I'll explain everything tomorrow, right now I have to check on some things, okay?"
Lindy put her hand on her son's cheek, "Are you sure you're all right, Josh?"
"Yes, mom, I really am. I'll call you." He ran out the door, his parents had picked up his Explorer for him, he got in and headed for the valley, to make sure his angels were all right.

 

Josh pulled up in front of Justine's studio, not having to worry about Louis or Big Tony he parked in front, killing the engine, he stared at the building for a long time.
The opening stanza of the song that had been his constant companion for several months now played through his heart and mind as he gazed at the building that had been the center of his world for over a year. Softly he sang,
"Can you see the honest questions
in my heart, this hour
opening like a flower to the rain?
And do you know the silent sorrows of
our neverending journey
through the pain?
Do you see a brighter day for me?
Another day?
A day?
Do you wonder what's in store for me?
The cure for me?
The way?
Oh, look down and see the tears I've cried.
The lives I've lived.
The deaths I've died...."
He fell silent, the plans he had already set in motion playing through his mind, his heart, all waiting for the approval of his three guardian angels. All hinged around this building, Justine's building. He found her in his heart, and he spoke to her.
"What do you think, baby?" He whispered, asking her permission.
Somewhere in his heart, she smiled.

He climbed the stairs to Justine's studio, not using his key, he knocked on the door.
"Hey, it's me, Josh, open up."
The door flew open, and Katie flew into his arms.
"JOSH! WHERE have you BEEN?! We've been scared to DEATH!" She exclaimed, hugging him as hard as she could.
Andi and Susie Q joining her, the three of them crushing Josh in a full body hug. Josh started laughing, then they started laughing, someone lost their balance, the four of them landing in a tangle of giggling madness on the floor.
When they had gained control, Andi reached up and smacked Josh in the head.
"Hey," Josh protested, rubbing his head.
Andi pointed her finger at him, a twinkle of relief in her eyes that he was safe. "That's for worrying us to death, it's been over 24 hours since you left."
"Sorry, I was kind of in jail for the last twelve hours, and I had to use my one phone call to contact my parents, so they could bail me out." Josh explained.
"YOU WERE IN JAIL!!" The three of them exclaimed together, then they all started talking at once.
Andi-What happened? Are you okay?
Susie Q-Oh my God!
Katie-Did you kill Big Tony? Please tell me you killed Big Tony!
Andi-He didn't kill anybody!(Smacking Katie in the back of the head.)
Susie Q-Was it exciting?
Katie-Did anybody "mess" with you?
Andi(smacking Katie in the back of the head again.)-Nobody messed with him.
Josh-HEY!!!!!!!
They all shut up and looked at him funny.
"Now that I have your attention. No, I didn't kill anybody. And nobody "messed" with me. I got caught up in the sting that got Louis and Big Tony arrested."
"They were arrested?" Andi said more than asking, nodding her head in appreciation. "You do good work, Josh-man."
Josh laughed, "Thanks, Andi, but I can't take credit, the guy who's always with Big Tony turned out to be an undercover Federal Marshall. And I had a talk with the DA. If the three of you testify against Louis and Big Tony, they're going to grant you immunity."
The three of them looked at each other, then another group hug occured.
"We're free!" Andi said.
"But what are we going to do?" Katie asked.
"If we're free agents, can't we go into business for ourselves, like we planned?" Susie Q asked.
"Actually," Josh started, "I had some ideas on that myself."
Sitting on the floor, crossed legged, surrounded by his guardian angels, Josh outlined his plan.

 

It had taken a while to get past Louis and Big Tony's trials, but the DA had been good on his word, and Josh's three guardian angels were free. His grief therapist, Dr. Mason had found them temporary employment and shelter while Josh's plan was being set in motion, and Josh had had to testify himself. It had always puzzled him why a tough kid like Katie had grabbed only a teddy bear when they had fled for their lives, turned out it held a book with all of her customers, their addresses, phone number, with a list of all their betting transactions, and the list had been impressive, that one piece of evidence alone had proved invaluable to the DA.
Josh had been packing Justine's studio for the last few days, cleaning out and moving her things to his house, his house now, not theirs, her presence would always be there, her memory, but his house now. He could say it, think it, and not go to pieces, not feel that it was a betrayal. He could breathe.
He had the last box, he hadn't let anyone help him, this he had to do alone. It was important. He had left behind the things that would be needed for his plan.
They would be breaking ground on the first dormitory next week. The office equipment was already set in the refurbished offices below, the building used to have two apartments below the studio, they were now offices, and a small clinic. Josh knew Justine would be proud.
Andi had agreed to be the director, once she had her Masters. Dr. Mason agreed to be the interim director until Andi was finished, and to work as consultant for the center. The first benefit concert was planned, and the lineup of stars was good, he knew it would raise enough money to keep it going for a long time. Susie Q would work as a counselor, she was in school getting training. And Katie was going back to school, his pseudo-child would have a future. He hadn't told her yet, but he'd set up a trust for her education, to make sure she went to college and got a good start.
He had donated all but a couple of Justine's paintings to the center, as they sold, the money would also help support the center. He couldn't let go of Moonlit Lace, it was over his mantle. He had also kept the portrait she did of him. Susie Q had asked if she could have the drawing Justine had done of him in the all-together. Josh told her no. That's it just no.
His thoughts and emotions mixed as he carried the last box to the door of the studio, he looked on his past, now empty of her things, her presence here still just as strong. Reaching for the light switch, he turned out the lights.
"Good-night, Justine." He whispered, and closed the door.
He walked down the stairs, placing the last box in the back of the full Explorer, the Porsche wouldn't have worked very well for this. As he moved to the drivers door, he looked at the front of the transformed building. The sign was already in place, he read it to himself, and felt a sense of peace.
"The Justine Chauvet-Groban Teen Crisis Center"
He got in the Explorer and drove away.
Somewhere in the universe, Justine smiled.