Common name: yard gnome, lawn gnome, garden gnome
Height: varies, on average 18-24 inches tall
Weight: varies, can be up to 20 lbs.
Origin: possibly extraterrestrial
Appearance: flushed skin, twinkling eyes, bright clothes and hates, wrinkly faces
Habitate: grass, gardens
Habits: tending gardens, sleeping, fishing, and the demise of humans everywhere
Lifespan: indefinite
If you suspect a yard gnome in your vicinity, use this checklist:
is the suspect less than 3' tall?
is the suspect wearing strange clothing?
is the suspect perpetually smiling, blushing, or sleeping?
does the suspect appear to be watching you as you cross your yard?
at night, do strange noises emanate from the vicinity of the suspect?
has the suspect ever disappeared and returned, unexplained?
If you answered yes to more than 3 of these questions and have verified that your suspect is not in fact a human toddler, then you have a gunuine yard gnome on your hands!
10. used as table legs, they keep the dog from begging for scraps at dinner.
9. bludgeoning device to attack the person who thought up silent "g's"
8. freak out your neighbours by sneaking out each night and moving them slowly across the lawn until it reaches their front door.
7. hollow one out so you can fit your head inside, wear it while driving.
6. markers for dog poo that is too disgusting to pick up and you don't want to hit with the lawn mower.
5. handy for those weekly re-enactments of the presidential debates.
4. put a bed in your front yard surrounded by 7 gnomes and wait for Prince Charming to show up.
3. there's gno good use for a gnome.
2. to stop your car from hitting your mail box.
1. the ideal guests at a slumber party for a kid with no friends.
