WHY DO WE SUBMIT?
It seems like all around me I see stories about or examples of women submitted to either "second best" or even to submit themselves to and "SETTLE" for a cruel situation for the sake of "love". Whether it's movies that glorify tortured relationships, or witnessing personal friends and their relationships, I see women willing to go through hurt and pain in order to be with the one they love, who does not seem to know how to love them in return.

For example, think about artists like frida kahlo or lee krasner--both female artists with great talent, but while each were married to an artist spouse, their husbands' fame left them in the shadows. Both of these marriages can be seen in movies about their lives.

Frida Kahlo was married to diego rivera, a famous mural painter with an over-masculine, pompous attitude who cheated on her and treated her poorly. Frida, in turn cheated on him as a retaliation, and painted pictures which showed the way she felt small next to him. (Attached is a photo of a painting by frida. she looks like she is caught in some sort of web, and stamped on her forehead, or foremost in her thoughts is diego's face.)

Lee krasner, another female painter was married to Jackson pollock, who was once called "The greatest living painter" by the press. Pollock also was a violent, impulsive person with alcoholic tendencies who relied on Lee's support for his career. Lee was a successful artist before she met him and put her art in the backseat to help her husbands career until her husband died in a drunk driving crash and she gained some success again. (Her art also developed brighter colors). During their marriage, she submitted herself to his violent episodes, cheating on her, and lack of gratitude for all that she did for him. Some say that Pollock began his abstract technique by copying her work (his early painting look like a carbon copy of hers) and that he would not have been successful without her.
For some reason, both of these women were ensnared in the relationship, and felt that their love for these men was more important than the way that they were being treated.

On a more personal note, I have a friend who cannot seem to pull herself out of a relationship that brings more pain than joy. The reason I had encouraged her to leave the relationship in the first place was because of the way he treated her. She had tried to leave him once before when he had thrown things at her, put her stuff out on the street, cheated on her, and consistently insulted and demeaned or ignored her. Later on, the relationship worsened and he stole from her for gambling or drugs, and any other money she had, she gave to him while she starved, once passing out from hunger.

When she recently separated herself from him, she spoke very softly, with little confidence, and moped around depressed. Her boyfriend proved to be manipulative and possessive by calling 26 times a day, calling her names I’d rather not repeat, and insulting her family. Slowly, she began ignore his calls and to have fun again, speak up, and think about what she wanted to do next.

Unfortunately, as often happens in abusive relationships, she could not cut the cord and eventually began to talk to him again on the phone. I noticed the difference because she seemed depressed and confused again.
I pointed her to the facetheissue.org website, and she printed out the info and circled all the indicators of an abusive relationship but would continue to, at other times, defend him, and blame herself for anything that had gone wrong in the relationship. She now plans to travel back to him, again saying “I just want to see how it goes…” It seems all too predictable. He will convince her that he can’t live without her, and she will stay, submitting herself to various abuses, choosing to be blind to his faults, all for the sake of “love”.

Where did we learn this twisted idea of LOVE?
It is possible that if we grew up in the church, we may have learned some TWISTED interpretations of biblical principles, like:
-Love means “turning the other cheek” in all instances, submitting to abuse for the sake of loving that person. This applies to all different situations. Sometimes we even hear that your husband beating you is not a valid reason for divorce.
-A Womans’ Love sometimes means sacrificing her hopes and dreams if her husband wants something different, because after all, your husband is the “head” (which I guess would make us more like the tail) and he makes the big decisions.
-A “good christian woman” is responsible for the success of and more grueling work in a relationship, including being the one to keep them chaste before marriage, enduring harsh treatment that men would never be encouraged to accept, to be the caretakers and mothers of both their husband and children.
-“Women should look good for their husbands” Women are encouraged to perfect their outward appearance more than their inner selves, and to do this for a man, not for themselves.
-“We are commanded to be fruitful and multiply.” (Because the world is grossly under-populated, you know). Women are expected to place priority on being a good wife and raising a family. Being a mother means that you shouldn’t have time to continue your education and knowledge of culture or specific skills.

We hear more sermons or women’s retreats that speak about the way women should be (saying they should follow Proverbs 31 for example) but not as many which speak to what a good MAN is. And who in our culture seems to be the more selfless ones and really need that lecture? How many passages in the Bible are directed towards women specifically, compared to the amount that are directed specifically to men? Unfortunately, there are also comparatively less examples of Heroic women in the bible that show us what being a strong woman is.

If we look outside the church, (at the advice/sermons found in women’s or teen magazines for example) the underlying TWISTED messages that women receive are not altogether too different and are as follows:
-“10 ways to be the best looking one at the prom”…”25 dieting tips.” Become beautiful, perfect your body, diet, have surgery, whatever it takes to snatch up a good man …or any man!
- “5 ways to get his attention” The world revolves around being in love…Having a man is more important than most anything else (even if it’s a temporary fling and you fake who you are to snatch someone).
-“20 ways to be great in bed!” Women should make sure they are sexual vixens in order to attract a man, keep him interested, and keep him from cheating.
If a man is a cheater, or leaves the woman, it is probably the woman’s fault. Maybe she’s ugly, or fat, or not good in bed.

When you compare women’s magazines from the 1950s, they had short stories, more educational and political topics, recipes, and less beauty tips and advertisements. Magazines now focus on bettering yourself in superficial ways that end up telling you “you’re not good enough.”

We live at a time that follows some big feminist movements. Some strong women, including feminist artists and writers used their strong voices to bring attention to certain injustices, beginning with not having the right to own property, vote, have careers, receive equal pay, etc. What does feminism do now? Feminism has freed us from certain limitations, when it comes to career choices and equal treatment, but there seems to be a lack of a voice which will educate women on certain important values-there is no unified voices of feminism teaching young women what self respect is, and what being a STRONG woman really is---To love, respect and educate oneself, to have a CONFIDENCE that is INDEPENDANT of other's opinions, a beauty from within that does not value perfecting her outward appearance more than her mind and spirit, and a giving spirit that will not sacrifice one's own well being.