Ext. Prison Yard -- Day
There is a huge crowd of men doing a combination of things in the Prison Yard. We concentrate on a rather weak looking man who looks like he has been roughed up one too many times. He has the shadow of a beard, and looks like he’s growing more and more pissed with every step. We will know him as MIKE.
MIKE (Mumbling)
Fucking motherfucker. Fucker, damn, bastard-ass, cocksucking bitch.
MIKE looks up-- he is at the edge of where he is allowed to walk.
MIKE
How did this happen?
He looks around, and looks outside the gate. He sees a parking lot.
MIKE (Mumbling)
Eh, if I could only find a way...
MIKE looks down at the ground once more, and looks up. He sees a Hummer speeding down the road. It takes a wild turn and is coming straight at him. We freeze the scene, with MIKE looking like he has messed his pants.
6 Months Earlier...
Ext. Highway - Day
We are on a jam-packed Sacramento highway. The sun is out in force, almost burning a hole through the street. We go down to ground level, and speed through the crowd. Everyone we pass is either honking, on their cell phone, or arguing with someone that they are in the car with. We stop at a 1995 Geo Metro with a bad paintjob. The fact that the paint job is bad is only the beginning of the cars oh-so-apparent problems. Inside we see MIKE, who is, unlike everyone else, composed and smiling. He has a goofy-yet-smart look about him, and he is dressed in a bad brown suite. He is humming to the music on the radio, as the car in front of him moves a bit forward. He drives about a yard or two and stops again. Suddenly, the car in front of him begins rolling backwards. Mike honks and yells but the car continues to roll… it then smashes into his. He turns off his car and walks out, to the car in front.
MIKE
Hello, uh, I think you hit my car.
The man that is in the car is a big black man, who is not taking kindly to Mike’s approaching him.
MAN
No I didn’t.
MIKE
I think you did, the front of my car--
MAN
Get out of my face.
MIKE backs a step away.
MIKE
We need to exchange insurance infor--
The MAN takes off his seatbelt in a threatening way and MIKE, filled with fear, walks away.
MIKE
Thank you sir.
He still manages to keep the smile on his face, even after seeing the big dent on the front of his car. Traffic begins to move, finally, at a good pace. Mike gets back into his car. He tries to start it, but the car dies. He tries again, same result. He gets out to see what the problem is. As he walks over to the hood the car begins to roll. He holds it for a second, but it begins rolling faster. He runs over to the drivers’ side to get in and is hit by a car, he rolls on to its hood. As we fade out we see his car roll down the highway, and eventually crash.
CUT TO: Janet’s Pub. Later that Day
MIKE is sitting with JERRY at the bar in a broken-down pub.
JERRY
Really? Damn… and I thought I had a bad day.
MIKE
Yeah man, I missed that job interview. The car’s in the shop.
JERRY
See, that’s what I mean. Things weren’t supposed to be like this.
MIKE
Well, what can you do?
JERRY
You have to take control of your life.
MIKE
And how do I do that?
JERRY
Well, for starters, don’t be so nice to people.
MIKE
I’m not too nice to people.
JERRY
Mike... yes you are.
MIKE
Okay, and?
JERRY
Get in to another line of work.
MIKE
What line of work?
JERRY
Crime.
MIKE
Crime?
JERRY
Crime.
MIKE
What are you talking about?
JERRY
Crime pays. Not having a job? That don’t pay.
MIKE (Sarcastically)
When did this great idea come to you?
JERRY
I met this guy last night...
CUT TO: Janet’s Pub. The Night Before
The place is as dead as it can be, with JERRY and a tough looking man we will know as JACK sitting at the bar. The only others present in the bar are a few drunks. JACK is sitting very seriously, while JERRY seems to be excited by the presence of JACK.
JERRY (Excited)
So you were in jail?
JACK
No, prison.
JERRY
Wow! I’ve never met anyone that has been in prison!
JACK (Sarcastically)
You have now.
JERRY
So are you planning any other missions?
JACK
What? Missions?
JERRY
Yeah, missions!
JACK
I’m not sure I understand.
JERRY
But are you?
JACK
Am I what?
JERRY
Planning a mission!
JACK
Jerry, kid, it’s not called a mission. I think I’d shoot myself if I was with someone who called a robbery a "mission."
JERRY
So are you planning anymore missi--?
JACK (Yelling)
What did I tell you?
JERRY (Somewhat scared)
Uh... are you planning any more robberies?
JACK
Why, you want in?
JERRY’S face lightens up.
JERRY
Yes! Please!
CUT TO: Back at Janet’s Pub
MIKE is staring at JERRY, is disbelief.
MIKE
Are you kidding?
JERRY
No! Why would I be?
MIKE
You want to do a robbery?
JERRY
Yeah, Jack is doing to get me a spot in one of his next robberies. Do you want in?
MIKE puts his hands over his face and sighs.
MIKE
Why would I want to do a robbery?
There are footsteps coming closer.
JACK
Because you’re broke, ain’t got no money, poor.
We see JACK standing behind the two. JERRY stands and shakes JACK’S hand.
JERRY
This is my friend I was telling you about.
JACK
So I see. I thought this guy was hard, he don’t look it.
JERRY
This guy has the heart of a lion.
JACK
Heart of a lion, eh? We’ll see about that.
MIKE
Sorry to but in, but I didn’t tell Jerry I would do this.
JACK takes a stone cold look at JERRY.
JACK
What did I tell you?
JACK walks with JERRY to a corner in the room, so they can talk privately.
JERRY
I know, I know. He’s in, don’t worry.
JACK
He don’t sound like he’s in.
JERRY
He’s in.
JACK
You know what I told you. If this guy ain’t the real deal, I don’t want him associated.
JERRY
Trust me, he has the heart--
JACK
I don’t give a fuck about his "heart of a lion," just make sure he’s in.
JERRY begins to walk to MIKE, but then turns back and walks to JACK.
JERRY
Are we using guns on this mission?
JACK gives JERRY another cold stare. JERRY walks away.
MIKE
Why did you tell him I’m in? Did I say I was in?
JERRY
No.
MIKE
Jerry, I’m not going to rob anyone.
JERRY
Why can’t we?
MIKE
Because it’s illegal!
JERRY (Mumbling)
Like the way you file your taxes is legal.
MIKE
What?
JERRY
You heard me.
MIKE
Don’t start with me, okay? I got enough going on.
JERRY
What? What do you have going on?
MIKE
Well, I have my, ah... you know the, ah, the thing with he ah... shit. Whatever. I’m not robbing anyone.
JERRY
Why not?
MIKE
Why do it?
JERRY
Money.
MIKE (Quietly)
I have money.
JERRY
You don’t have a job, you live on the bad side of town, and your car is a piece of shit. You don’t have money.
MIKE takes a drink.
MIKE
So what are we doing tonight?
JERRY
Tonight is all about you.
JERRY waves to JACK.
JERRY
Jack is going to pay for everything.
MIKE (Talking to Jack)
Thanks Jack, I appreciate it.
JACK
No problem man. If you don’t want to participate in our little operation, that’s fine with me. But let me just tell you, we run a tight shift. We are organized down to the smallest detail. (Beat) But anyway, let’s order some drinks.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Int. Strip Club - Night
MIKE, JERRY, and JACK are all watching the girls slide on the stripper poles. MIKE drinks another shot and stands up.
MIKE
Party!
MIKE jumps up on stage with a stripper and tries to dance with her. A security guard jumps up on stage and throws him off.
JACK
All right buddy, that’s enough drinks for you.
JERRY
You want to get out of here?
JACK
Yeah.
JERRY and JACK grab MIKE and escort him out.
CUT TO: Inside the Car
The car is parked in front of MIKE’S apartment building. JERRY and JACK are talking while MIKE is listening.
JACK
Yeah, now all we need is some ski masks. Then we need some uh... some uh... some fucking uh...
MIKE
Guns?
JACK
Yeah uh... some uh...
JERRY
Guns?
JACK
Yeah man! Some fucking guns! You fuckers are resourceful!
All three burst into laughter. JACK takes another drink out of a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.
JACK
So we got guns, ski masks, spray paint... is that it?
JERRY
Yeah, I think that’s it.
MIKE
What about getaway car?
JACK
We got some fucking dude, journeyman type motherfucker. He’s been around the game for a while.
MIKE
What’s his name?
JERRY
Carl... what’s his name?
JACK
Carl Savage. That motherfucker can do two things: he can drive and, ah, I don’t know. But he can drive.
MIKE
Did he use to race around here?
JACK
Yeah man, fucking blew everyone away. But this one race, he fucked up.
MIKE
What did he do?
JACK
You tell him.
JERRY
All right, so he’s the number one guy out there at ah, like 35 years old, in the fucking prime of his career.
CUT TO: 1968. Race Track - Day
Cars are speeding around the track, one in particular is way ahead of the crowd. We go inside it, we see that the guy has taken off his helmet. It is CARL. He has a huge afro, and is laughing hard despite the fact that he is going really fast around the track.
VO (Voice Over) JERRY
So he’s ahead of everyone, as usual. The motherfucker has left everyone in the dust I’m talking. He takes off his helmet, and takes a monster fucking joint out of under his seat.
We see CARL grab the joint, which is atleast a few inches long and wide.
VO (Jerry)
But he realizes, "Hey, I don’t got a lighter." And this race was big, huge for him. He was going to go pro after this one. So he looks through his stuff, and finds one. He sticks the joint in and lights it with two hands.
We see CARL light and take a huge puff out of it, and then crash.
VO (Jerry)
All the sudden, bang! He crashes. They find the weed and ban him. He never raced legally again.
CUT TO: Back In The Car
MIKE
How do you know he won’t do the same thing again?
JACK
Yeah man, he um... ah... um...
JERRY
Quit?
JACK
Yeah man, he quit.
MIKE
So you guys got this under control?
JACK
Yeah man, on fucking lock down.
MIKE
Is it financed?
JACK
Yeah, my man John be financing it.
MIKE
John. Who is he?
JACK
Some sorta mattress dude.
MIKE
Oh, that guy. With the commercials? The "We’ll match any price, and then beat it!" guy?
JACK
Yeah man! How’d you know that shit?
MIKE looks over at JERRY.
JERRY (Whispering)
He’s a bad drunk, man, when he drinks too much... well, you know.
JACK takes the last drink out of his bottle.
JACK
So, you in?
MIKE
I don’t know...
JACK
Well, I don’t have time for people that don’t know.
MIKE
I’ll do it. Only one though, and then I’m done.
JACK
All right, tomorrow we’ll have you go meet Mr. Doe.
Int. Apartment - Morning
We are in MIKE’S apartment, it is very clean and well put together disite it’s ugly location. MIKE is awake, and walking through the house, in a suit. He takes a seat on his couch, and drinks some coffee.
MIKE (Rubbing his head)
I must have had a good time last night.
There is a knock at the door. MIKE gets up and walks to the door, looks through the peep-hole, and sees that it is JERRY.
MIKE (Whispering)
Why is he here?
MIKE opens the door.
JERRY
Hey! How are you doing?
MIKE
Hey Jerry, I’m about to go to a job interview.
JERRY (Smiling)
Yeah, a "job interview." (Jerry oh-so-apparently winks at Mike)
MIKE
Yeah... so I got to go pretty soon.
JERRY
Yeah man, Jack’s parked outside. Let’s get a move on.
MIKE
Wait... did I say yes?
JERRY
Yes indeedy.
MIKE
Jerry, I can’t do this.
JERRY
Let’s go.
MIKE
I can’t--
JERRY
Let’s go, man.
CUT TO: Johnny’s Furniture
We are in the back of the store, in a dark room that is only lit by a light bulb hanging from the ceiling. MIKE, JERRY, and JACK are sitting in the room with another man, who has yet to show his face.
DOE (Walking through the shadows, he has a tough voice)
So... Jack... how you been?
JACK
I been good.
DOE
Who are these two other guys?
JACK
(Pointing to JERRY) That is Jerry. (Pointing to MIKE) That is Mike.
DOE
I see only three, where would the fourth be?
JACK
Our fourth is Savage.
DOE
Carl Savage?
JACK
Yes.
DOE
Okay, no problem there. he is not one to let me down. But these other two, I don’t know... these guys give me an uneasy feeling.
JACK
These guys are down.
DOE
Down? Oh really...
JACK
Yes, they are riding until the end.
DOE
How can I be sure?
JACK
I’ve got that all figured out.
DOE
Oh really?
JACK
Really. We’re going to hit the local quickie mart today, just to show these two are for real.
DOE
Why the fuck are you going for the quickie mart?
JACK
These guys are inexperienced. They need a test drive.
DOE
I see... and when will this take place?
JACK
Tonight, just before the place closes.
DOE
So then it’s on. If you succeed then I have something very interesting for you boys, something big.
JACK
Well, we’ll succeed, so get that interesting thing ready, because we gonna take it.
CUT TO: Parking Lot
MIKE, JACK, and JERRY are walking out of Johnny’s Furniture. MIKE has a smile on his face, while the other two are very serious. JACK glances over at MIKE.
JACK
What are you smiling about?
MIKE
Nothing, nothing.
MIKE laughs.
JERRY
What are you laughing about?
MIKE
That’s the mattress guy, right? From the commercials?
JACK
That’s a cover.
MIKE (Smirking)
Oh, I see.
JACK
We gotta go meet Carl now.
Int. Janet’s Pub - Night
MIKE, JACK, and JERRY are sitting at the bar waiting for CARL.
MIKE
So then we have everything?
JACK
Yeah man, everything.
MIKE
All the gear?
JACK
Yeah, everything.
CARL enters the pub. he has a funny crooked smile, and poofed hair. He hugs JACK and shakes the hands of JERRY and MIKE.
JACK
Hey Carl, how you been.
CARL
I’ve been... all right. Things... have been strange.
JACK
What do you mean?
CARL
Well, I’ve been seein’ things. Big eyeball, roll across the floor, at night. Midget, belly dancers, dance on my bed.
MIKE
What are you talking about?
Beat.
CARL
What?
MIKE
What?
JACK
What?
JERRY
Huh?
CARL
Well, anyways, we have something planned tonight?
JACK
Yeah, it’s small, no problem. We got a few new guys, we need to test em’ out.
CARL
Oh, so I see, new guys, test out, test drive.
Beat.
CARL
What are we hitting?
JACK
Small quickie-mart.
CARL
And then we have something big?
JACK
Yeah, then Doe will bring us something big.
CARL
When do we hit this place?
JACK
About an hour.
CUT TO: Quickie-Mart parking Lot
A Black van with the four men in it arrives, and parks. We enter the back of it. All four are sitting down, getting ready.
JACK
All right gentlemen, as I said, easy money.
JACK puts on a ski mask.
MIKE (Looking out the back window)
Easy money.
MIKE puts on his ski mask.
CARL
Hey, where’s my ski mask?
JACK
Carl, just stay in the car. When we come back, drive away.
CARL
Oh... all right then.
JACK
Jerry, you ready?
JERRY
I was born ready.
JERRY puts on his ski mask.
JACK (Looking out the back window)
Nice, and easy.
JACK passes out three guns.
JACK
All right, let’s go.
CUT TO: Inside the Quickie-Mart
We see a black man behind the counter, he is reading a magazine. He looks up at the clock, and stands. he walks towards the doors as all three men run out from the Van. JERRY slips and falls flat on his face, MIKE stops and helps him out. The man notices them but it is too late, JACK bursts through the door. MIKE and JERRY follow.
JACK
No problems big fella. We just want the money.
MAN
Man, this is the second robbery today. I ain’t got no fucking money.
JACK
Are you kidding?
MAN
No man, got robbed earlier.
JERRY
I think he’s lying.
MIKE
Of course he’s lying.
MIKE pats JERRY on the back and turns around to get his first look at the man. MIKE shakes his head.
MIKE
I know this guy.
JACK
From where?
MIKE (Whispering)
He hit my car.
JACK
Who cares?
MIKE
I do.
MIKE walks up to the man face to face.
MIKE
You think you’re a tough guy?
MIKE hits the man over the head, and he falls to the ground.
JERRY
Nice!
JACK
Damn, didn’t think you had it in you.
MIKE
Well, I do. Get the money, Jerry.
JACK looks at MIKE.
JACK
Nice.
JERRY is at the register, and he opens it.
JERRY
I knew that guy was lying.
JACK
Get that cheddar.
JERRY takes a bag out and begins to pack the money in to it. MIKE keeps his guard up, looking around the store. He hears a noise.
MIKE
You hear that?
JACK
What?
MIKE
Over by the chips.
JACK
Check it out man.
MIKE walks slowly to the section. He looks quickly and sees nothing there. A gun goes off, and MIKE drops to the floor.
A MAN IN THE STORE
Everybody freeze!
JACK
Fuck me. Mike! You okay?
MIKE
Yeah, I’m okay.
JACK looks around the store. He spots a shoe, hanging out from a corner of the store. He shoots the wall near the she four times.
JACK
I think I got him!
A police officer drops to the ground.
JACK
Oh shit.
JACK walks over to the officer, the man is dead.
JACK
Eh, dammit.
MIKE walks to JACK.
MIKE
Is he dead?
JACK
I don’t know, check his pulse.
JERRY (From the register)
I got it all! Let’s go!
JACK
Let’s get the fuck outta here.
CUT TO: Inside the Van
It is going down the street. Cop cars are passing by.
JERRY
Why’d you shoot him?!
JACK (Taking off his mask)
I had to.
MIKE
Fuck this, I’m out.
JACK
No, you’re in.
MIKE
You just killed a cop!
JACK
That was a mishap, things like that don’t happen all the time.
CARL
Whoa... you guys... ah... shot em’ up... man.
All three men stare at each other in silence.
JACK
Jerry?
JERRY
Yeah?
JACK (Smiling)
Count the money.
MIKE
What do we do now?
JACK
We succeeded, we go to Mr. Doe.
CARL
Mattress man?
MIKE bursts into laughter.
JACK
Damn you guys.
Everyone is laughing except CARL as we FADE OUT.
Ext. Quickie-Mart. The Next Day
We see a small crowd at the place, a lot of reporters. We then see a black car drive up, with two men, DETECTIVE BRYANT and DETECTIVE NORMAN. BRYANT looks like a veteran, while NORMAN looks rather inexperienced. The reporters walk to BRYANT as if he were the news.
REPORTER #1
Was this a gang-related shooting, Detective?
BRYANT
I have no info yet, I can’t answer any questions.
REPORTER #2
Is it a matter or pride for the department to catch the killers?
BRYANT
We will find them. Their actions will not go unpunished. Now if you reporters could exit the parameter and let us get some information on the crime scene, that would be nice of you.
BRYANT and NORMAN enter the store.
CUT TO: Mike’s Apartment
CARL, JERRY, and JACK are asleep on the floor of a living room. A door opens, and MIKE comes out from the bathroom. He has taken a shower and is dressed nice. He tries to find a path between the three men on the floor. He takes a step, and another. He jumps over JERRY. He tries to do the same over CARL, but he wakes up and causes MIKE to slip and fall over.
CARL
What the hell?
MIKE (Whispering, getting up from the floor)
Shhh, let them sleep.
CARL
All right...
MIKE (Whispering)
I’m going to go take a drive, I’ll be back.
MIKE walks out and shuts the door behind him.
CUT TO: Back At The Quickie-Mart. Inside.
BRYANT is walking around the scene. NORMAN follows.
BRYANT
Any prints?
NORMAN
They haven’t found any, Sir.
BRYANT
Damn these scumbags.
BRYANT walks over to a spot on the floor that has blood all over it.
BRYANT
What is this from?
NORMAN
An officer got shot a few times, he made it out alive.
BRYANT throws down a folder he had been carrying.
BRYANT
We’re gonna get these S.O.B.’s. (Beat) Where’s the case folder?
NORMAN looks down to the folder BRYANT threw down. It is soaked in blood.
BRYANT
Scumbags.
CUT TO: The Parking Lot
MIKE drives up in his Geo. He parks and watches the crowd. He watches BRYANT exit the quickie-mart. BRYANT starts raving about how he will catch the shooters. MIKE drives away.
Int. Mike’s Apartment
JERRY and CARL are playing a football video game. JACK is watching in disgust. MIKE enters the room breathing hard.
MIKE
We’re dead.
He catches everyone’s attention. JACK gets a concerned look on his face. he begins to touch his body, as if he’s looking for something.
JACK
I don’t feel dead.
MIKE
This is no joke.
JACK
I know.
MIKE
I’m in trouble, man.
JACK
Don’t worry about it.
Int. Johnny’s Furniture
We are back in the dark room. MIKE, JACK, and JERRY are seated. JOHN walks in.
DOE
We got cops on us.
JACK
Yeah, but we got Bryant on the case, don’t worry.
DOE
Oh, well, in that case, let’s go forward.
MIKE
If I may interrupt.
DOE
By all means.
MIKE
Why is Bryant not a problem?
JACK
I’ll take this one. Bryant is a media puppet. His dad got him on to department. Bryant is... dumb. We’ll have a free run if we attack now.
DOE
You guys have gained my confidence. I have a map. A map of California, Oregon, and Washington. You’re going to take the route specified, and rob a bank in each town.
JACK
What about finances?
DOE
Covered.
JACK
When do we start?
DOE
As soon as you leave. I want 50% of everything.
JACK
Deal.
DOE
All right then. There will be a package outside the door, with all you need. Good day gentlemen.
CUT TO: Inside the Van
JACK, MIKE, and JERRY are looking through the box. JACK pulls out a small bag of cash.
JERRY
How much you think that is?
JACK
Enough.
JACK pulls out a few pistols.
JACK
Good, good.
JERRY
Can I have mine?
JACK
No.
JERRY
Please?
JACK
No.
JACK hands MIKE a pistol.
MIKE
Wow, it’s big.
JERRY
Can I have mine?
JACK
Damn you.
JACK throws a pistol at JERRY, who begins to play with it.
MIKE
Do we have everything?
JACK
We got it all.
MIKE
When do we leave?
JACK
Tonight. We’ll stop at our first town, and get into a hotel.
A gun goes off. JACK and MIKE look at JERRY, who is smiling.
JERRY
Sorry...
JACK grabs the gun from JERRY.
JACK
Let’s go pick up Carl.
Ext. Highway - Later That Night
They are in the same black van. CARL is driving, and seems to be in his own world. JERRY is asleep in front. JACK is sitting in the back with MIKE, playing poker.
JACK
Shit, all I got is a pair.
MIKE
Eh, you win, I got nothing.
JACK and MIKE throw their cards into a pile. JACK reaches into his pocket and gets out a lighter. He lights a cigarette.
JACK
So, Mike, what brings you here?
MIKE
What do you mean?
JACK
Why are you on your way to Crescent City, ready to do a robbery?
MIKE
I need money.
JACK
If you need money, get a job.
MIKE
It’s not that easy.
JACK
Seems pretty easy to me.
MIKE
I have no prior job record, I have no special skills, and I’m not good with people.
JACK
Why you ain’t never had a job?
MIKE
I did have a job, but it was under the table. Not something that I can put on a résumé.
JACK
What was it?
MIKE
Accountant for a guy.
JACK
Oh, I see. Not a very popular guy?
MIKE
No, not very popular.
JACK
Why’d you say yes?
MIKE
I don’t know. Me and Jerry have been friends every since we’ve been kids. No one sticks with him, they always leave him behind. Same with me. We both need each other. I didn’t want him to land himself in a graveyard.
JACK
That’s very noble of you.
MIKE
Thanks.
JACK
Shut the fuck up. I know you got a better reason. But you don’t have to tell me.
MIKE
Why are you here?
JACK
Because I’m too lazy to hold a job.
MIKE
Why were you in prison?
JACK
Robbery. I... well... I have a weakness for women.
MIKE
And?
JACK
I let one I met get involved, she screwed it all up.
MIKE
What did she do?
JACK looks at his watch.
JACK
It’s late. This is a story for another time.
CARL (From the front seat)
We’re here!
Int. Police Department - Night
BRYANT is sitting at a desk. Everyone else is gone, except him.
VENICE
Bryant, what are you doing here?
BRYANT
Working on the robbery case.
VENICE
Bryant, you know we’re handling it.
BRYANT
Why can’t I be involved?
VENICE
Do you remember last time you were involved?
BRYANT
Yes.
VENICE
What happened?
BRYANT
I lost the bad guy.
VENICE
You had him! You put him in a room, at his house, with no handcuffs, and questioned his girlfriend! And of course, he got away. It was a goddamn hour before you even knew. You had a mass murderer, and not only did you fail to contact us, you didn’t even use basic procedure!
BRYANT
Sir, that was a while ago, why can’t you give me another chance?
VENICE
That was two months ago.
BRYANT
Whatever, I’m going to find these scumbags, they’re gonna pay.
VENICE
Bryant, get some sleep.
VENICE begins to walk away.
BRYANT (Yelling)
Those scumbags will pay!
VENICE
Shut up!
BRYANT (Mumbling)
Scumbags.
Ext. Outside a Bank - Day
We go into the van, were JERRY, MIKE, and JACK are getting ready.
JACK
Nice and easy. Don’t use the guns unless it is absolutely necessary.
MIKE
Okay.
JERRY
Okay.
JACK
Carl, be ready.
CARL
I’ll be ready.
JACK
Remember, just as we planned. This is all or nothing.
CUT TO: Inside the bank
It is quiet, only one man at the desk getting money. There are also two 16 year old stoners filling hanging out inside.
LADY BANK TELLER <----- Lisa Kudrow
Boys! Get out of here!
STONER #1 <----- Played by Scelus
Dude, we’re not causing any problems.
LADY
Well okay, just don’t call me dude.
JACK, MIKE, and JERRY burst through the door with ski masks on. JACK pulls out his gun.
JACK
Everybody stay calm! (Pointing at the LADY TELLER) You, come out to were we can see you.
The LADY walks out from behind the service area.
LADY
Don’t shoot me!
JACK
Just sit down, we don’t want to hurt nobody. (Whispering) Mike, get the money with her.
MIKE runs to her.
MIKE
Sorry Miss, but I need you to tell me were the money is.
LADY
Okay.
The LADY gets up. She then begins to walk to the back of the bank.
LADY
I’ve never been robbed before.
MIKE
Well, you’re not really being robbed, the bank is. They’ll get it all back.
LADY (Walking to a vault)
This is were they keep the big stuff.
MIKE
Thanks, we just want to get in and out.
The LADY walks to the vault and puts in a code. She then opens the vault, to reveal a very small amount of money.
MIKE
There’s only a few boxes in here.
LADY
Well, the big bank has a lot of money. We’re the small bank. There is about 2,000 dollars there.
MIKE (Walking into the vault)
That’ll have to do. Thanks for cooperating.
LADY
You’re welcome. This is my last day, I got fired.
MIKE
Really?
LADY
Yeah, I think I’m going to leave this place.
MIKE (Picks up a box of money)
That’s good, everyone needs some time out.
MIKE begins walking with the box, the LADY walks with him.
MIKE
Jack won’t be happy.
LADY
Who’s that?
MIKE stops.
MIKE
Forget I said that.
MIKE starts walking again. he reaches JACK.
MIKE
They only got two.
JACK
Two thousand?
MIKE
Yeah.
JACK
Damn, I thought they’d have a little more.
LADY
They’re shutting this place down in a week.
JACK
Yeah, I heard about that.
CUT TO: The Stoners
JERRY is standing over by the two teenagers.
STONER #1
Is that a real gun, man?
JERRY
Yep.
STONER #2
Dude, that is so radical!
JERRY
Yeah man.
STONER #1
You guys are bank robbers?
JERRY
Yep.
STONER #1
What’s your name man? Every bank robbing group of dudes has a cool name.
JERRY
Really?
STONER #2
Yeah man, known fact.
JERRY
I’ll have to think of something.
STONER #1
Yeah dude.
CUT TO: Back Of The Bank
MIKE is grabbing another box, the LADY is still with him. He picks up a box, but puts it back down.
MIKE
May I say that you are really pretty?
LADY (Blushing)
Well of course!
MIKE
What’s your name?
LADY
Lisa.
MIKE
We are going on a trip, would you like to come with us?
LISA
Yeah!
MIKE picks up the box and begins walking again.
CUT TO: JACK
JACK is looking behind the counter for money. He sees a register, he opens it. We see that it has atleast a few thousand dollars in it. MIKE and LISA are walking when she spots JACK taking money from it.
LISA
No! Stop! Don’t let it--
The register shuts.
LISA
Shut.
An alarm goes off.
JACK
Jerry! We gotta go, grab a box!
MIKE
Can she come with us?
JACK
Whatever, we gotta go!
JERRY grabs one of the three boxes.
JERRY
hey, kid, grab a box!
STONER #1
Cool!
He picks up the last box and follows JERRY out. MIKE and LISA leave as well, and then JACK.
CUT TO: Parking Lot
MIKE pushes his box in, as does JERRY. JERRY, LISA, and MIKE jump into the back of the van. The teenager falls down, and drops the box. JACK picks it up and runs in to the van, JERRY and MIKE shut it.
They speed away. No cops are in sight, until they are gone for long enough to be untraceable.
CUT TO: Inside The Van
All three men are celebrating.
JACK
Seriously, no mistakes, good job.
MIKE (Taking off his mask)
That was great!
JERRY (Takes off his mask)
Whoa, we made it. (Looks over to LISA) Who are you?
LISA
I’m Lisa. Who are you?
JERRY
I’m Jerry.
LISA
Nice to meet you.
There is a long silence.
MIKE
Why did you come with us?
LISA
I don’t really have anything going on.
JACK
Really...
LISA
Yeah.
Int. Restaurant - Night
CARL, JACK, JERRY, MIKE, and LISA are sitting at a table in a relatively high-class restaurant. Most everyone looks like they have had a little too much to drink. CARL looks like he’s telling a story.
CARL
So we stole this beautiful Chevy, and the piggies are chasing us. We look back and say, "They’ve got us." My friends are crying "Stop! Stop!"
CARL stops talking, and takes a drink.
JERRY
And?
CARL
And what?
JERRY
Yeah, and what?
CARL
Yeah and what, what?
JERRY
And--
LISA
Carl, what happened, did the cops catch you?
CARL
Oh. Yeah, we stopped - parked the car.
JACK (Mumbling)
Not much of a story guy, are ya?
MIKE checks his watch.
MIKE
It’s getting late, we should get out of here.
CUT TO: Outside the Hotel
CARL, JACK, and JERRY walk into their room. MIKE gets a key out of his pocket. LISA stares at him as he tries to unlock the door, to no avail.
LISA
Let me try.
MIKE hands LISA the keys. LISA is able to unlock the door in seconds.
MIKE
Must be my nerves.
LISA
Yeah, must be.
MIKE
Well, I guess I better join the--
LISA jumps MIKE with her lips wildly. As she kisses him she drags him into the room, and slams the door.
Int. Hotel Room - Early Morning
MIKE is awake, in a nice suit, and walking around the room. LISA hears his steps and awakens.
LISA (Stretching her arms out)
Ugh, you’re awake already?
MIKE
It would appear so.
LISA
Come over here and sit.
MIKE walks to the foot of the bed and sits.
MIKE
Actually I wanted to talk to you.
LISA
Really, any particular reason?
MIKE
Yes, actually. Why did you come with us? Why did you let us take the money from the robbery? Why did you-- ah... you know, with me?
LISA
I came with you because I had nothing better to do. I let you rob the place because it was what I intended to do before you guys burst on to the scene. And I... you knowed... with you because I... felt like it. There, done.
MIKE
We have to leave today.
LISA
Okay.
MIKE
Do you care?
LISA
Not really.
MIKE
Really?
LISA
Yeah.
MIKE
Damn. Well... uh... thanks for last night.
LISA
Any time.
MIKE
Really?
LISA
No. Oh, and also, you guys better be out of California by the afternoon. I will be calling the police.
MIKE (Laughing)
Really?
LISA
Yes. Leave.
CUT TO: The Bank
Authorities and reporters are on the scene. BRYANT is inside. We now see the STONER that we saw earlier talking to a reporter. The reporter is black and has a showman’s way about him.
REPORTER
Did the men threaten you?
STONER #1
Uh... no, man.
REPORTER (referring to a small scratch on his face)
Where did this scar come from?
STONER #1
Uh... I fell.
REPORTER
How does it feel to be in a life or death crisis and make it out alive?
STONER #1
Feels fucking sick, man. Radical.
CUT TO: Inside the Bank
BRYANT is at the safe talking with NORMAN.
BRYANT
This looks like a really top-notch job here. They seem to have kidnapped the workers as well.
NORMAN
There was only one worker.
BRYANT (Ignoring NORMAN)
Yep, my guess is that they are a long ways away from here.
CUT TO:
Int. Hotel Parking Lot
CARL, MIKE, JACK, and JERRY are getting into the van.
JERRY
That is harsh, man.
JACK
It is, pretty damn harsh.
CARL
Can I give my opinion on the matter?
MIKE
Sure, why not?
CARL
You’re the only guy to get some on this trip. I’d say that ain’t something to be ashamed of.
JERRY
Yep.
MIKE
Indeed.
JACK (Disgusted)
Get in the van.
All four men jump into the van, CARL sits in the driver’s seat while JACK rides shotgun and MIKE and JERRY get in through the back doors.
CUT TO: Hotel Room
LISA is brushing her hair in the bathroom. She walks to the phone, and dials a number.
LISA (Badly acting scared)
911?
Waits for response.
LISA
They kidnapped and violated me!
CUT TO: Highway
The van is driving quickly down the highway that has very few cars. CARL looks forward, and sees that there is a road block ahead.
CARL
What do I do?
JACK (Calmly)
Just stop when we get there.
CUT TO: Road Block
BRYANT and NORMAN are at the road block waiting. The van stops right at the foot of the road block.
CARL
What now?
JACK
I don’t know.
BRYANT (Yelling)
Put your hands up and exit the car!
JACK (Yelling)
No!
BRYANT
Why not?
JACK
Because!
BRYANT
Because what?
JACK
Just because!
MIKE (From the back of the van)
Just ram it!
CARL
Okay.
CARL speeds up and rams into the cars, to no avail. The car stops.
JACK
Well?
CARL
Well what?
JACK
keep going!
CARL continues to slowly grind through the cop cars. BRYANT jumps for cover as if he’s in danger.
BRYANT (Yelling)
They’re maniacs!
The van continues to slowly grind through the cars, at a mere 1 mile per hour.
MIKE
Are you flooring it?
CARL
Yeah!
The van finally emerges through the cars and speeds up. BRYANT rises from the ground, every cop is silent.
BRYANT
Damn those scumbags, damn em’ to hell.
NORMAN
Are we just going to let them go?
BRYANT
What are we supposed to do? Huh smart guy? Are cars are destroyed!
NORMAN shakes his head in confusion.
NORMAN
These cars are dented. We can still use them.
BRYANT
Well... the... what are you doing standing around?! Go get em’!
CUT TO: Highway
The van is speeding down the highway again, but the cops are on their tails.
JERRY
Why did we have to have a van as the getaway car?
JACK
Shutup.
A cop car pulls up next to them, in the wrong lane.
COP #1 (While driving the car)
You guys are going down!
MIKE
he should probably look at the--
A car plows into the cop car, causing a massive wreck.
MIKE
... road.
The van speeds away as another car crashes into the wreck, followed by another, causing a huge explosion.
MIKE
Cool.
JERRY
I didn’t figure they all would explode like they do in the movies. I guess I was wrong.
MIKE
Where are we headed?
JACK
Grants Pass.
Ext. Riverside Inn - Day
The van pulls into the Riverside Inn parking lot. It is a rather high-class place for where it’s located. The van stops.
CUT TO: Inside the Van
JACK turns around to talk to MIKE and JERRY.
JACK
No rest. We’re going to knock over the Valley Of The Rouge bank in one hour. Take a shower or something if you like. But be on time.
Ext. Valley Of The Rogue Bank - Day
This bank is moderately full, way more so than the last bank. The van files into the parking lot.
CUT TO: Inside The Bank
MIKE, JERRY, and JACK put on their masks.
JACK
All right, this is a bigger one, there will be more people. You guys ready?
MIKE
Yeah.
JERRY
Yeah.
JACK
Okay, let’s go. Oh, wait. Jerry, please don’t fall down this time.
CUT TO: Inside the bank
The usual elevator-type music is playing as the people in the bank handle their business. In the background we see JACK jump out of the van and run towards the door. JERRY gets his foot caught on something and falls out of the van. MIKE tries to jump out quickly and stumbles over JERRY.
JACK (Yelling)
Come on!
The people in the bank are still rather un-fazed by seeing three bank robbers.
OLDER WOMAN
Do you think they’re going to rob this place?
No one responds.
JACK bursts into the door and everyone panics.
JACK (Yelling)
Down on the floor! Everyone!
JERRY (Walking through the door)
Showoff.
JACK
What?
JERRY
You always get to yell first.
JACK
Wha-- yell first?
JERRY
You know what I’m talking about.
MIKE (Walking through the door, rubbing his neck)
Come on guys, let’s do this.
JACK (Looks at JERRY)
Crowd control. (Looks at MIKE) Money. I got the workers.
MIKE runs to behind the counter and gets a older woman teller.
MIKE
Show me were the vault is.
MIKE walks away with the older woman.
JACK (Walking to behind the counter)
All right! All the workers get out, now!
JERRY (Talking to a woman lying on the ground)
Pfft, there he goes again.
JACK
Shutup Jerry!
JERRY
Hey! You told them my name!
JACK
Keep moving people! (Walks over to JERRY) I’m sorry. Now shut the fuck up and watch these people.
JERRY (As JACK is walking away)
Okay... JACK!
JACK stops.
JACK
God I would love to beat the shit out of you.
JACK walks away.
JERRY (Mumbling)
What did god ever do to you.
CUT TO: The back Room. Vault
MIKE rushes the lady to the vault.
MIKE
Hurry up.
The lady is sweating profusely. Her hands are shaking as she tries to type the numbers.
MIKE
Just tell me the numbers.
OLDER WOMAN
Uh... 6... 5... 1... 1... 3... and 7.
MIKE types in the numbers and opens the vault. As he does the woman faints. MIKE turns around and sees her. He checks her pulse, and stands up.
MIKE (Yelling)
Jack!
JACK comes running to the room.
JACK
What happened?
MIKE
Uh... she fell.
JACK
She fell?
MIKE
Yeah.
JACK
Did you push her?
MIKE
Ah... no, she just kinda fell. She don’t got a pulse.
JACK
Naw, she surely didn’t die from falling.
JACK puts his hand on the woman’s neck, looking for a pulse.
JACK (Searching)
Gotta... be... somewhere.
MIKE
I think she’s dead.
JACK
You think? How could she die from falling?
MIKE
Maybe she had a heart-attack.
JACK
Hmmm... maybe. let’s get this money bagged. Leave her alone.
MIKE grabs a few big plastic bags out of his sweater.
CUT TO: Entrance
JERRY appears to be making small-talk with a Latino woman.
JERRY
Yeah, we haven’t really got a good name yet. But we do need one. What’s your name, by the way?
SELENA
Selena.
JERRY
Like the singer?
SELENA
Yeah, like the singer.
JERRY
Oh. Why are you here?
SELENA
I’m taking all the money from my accounts so my boyfriend can’t do it first.
JERRY
Really?
SELENA
Yep. I also lost my job, so I wanted to apply here.
JERRY
That sucks.
SELENA
Yeah, kinda.
JERRY
I wish we could take you with us.
SELENA
I don’t think I could take up a life of crime. I’m too pretty to go to jail.
MIKE and JACK walk through with bags of money.
JERRY
Is that all of it?
JACK
Yeah, let’s go.
JERRY
Okay, sorry, we have to go. It was fun talking with you.
SELENA
My pleasure!
MIKE, JACK, and JERRY begin to run out.
SELENA (Yelling)
Stop right there!
SELENA points her gun at all three men.
SELENA
I can’t let you go.
JERRY
Why?
SELENA
Because.
JACK
Let’s go. She won’t shoot.
All three men walk out to the parking lot. SELENA walks out the door.
SELENA
I said stop!
They load the money into the van. JERRY and MIKE get in.
SELENA
I will shoot!
JACK walks to SELENA.
SELENA
Stop right there!
JACK
Come on baby, you can play cop some other time.
JACK quickly snabs the gun from SELENA.
JACK
Thanks.
JACK kisses SELENA passionately.
JACK
And thanks for that.
JACK walks into the van.
CUT TO: Inside the Van
CARL stares at JACK.
JACK
What?
CARL
Smooth.
JACK
You know me.
Int. Inside The Bank. Later That Day
BRYANT is walking through the bank as usual, trying his best to look like he knows what he’s doing.
NORMAN
This was rather simple.
BRYANT
Are you kidding? These guys don’t do simple.
NORMAN
It looks like, to me, that they simply got someone to type in the numbers. This lady here obviously died of a heart-attack.
BRYANT
or so they’d like us to think.
NORMAN (Annoyed)
What are you talking about?
BRYANT
This is big. I know big when I see it. These guys are highly organized. Possibly 20+ men at work here.
NORMAN
Witnesses have said in all three cases that there are 4 men. One getaway driver and a few bank robbers. It’s pretty sample.
BRYANT (Ignoring NORMAN)
Yep, we got an association of people at work here. This is big.
NORMAN
Can I quit?
BRYANT
No.
NORMAN (Sighs)
They got the plate number.
BRYANT
Who?
NORMAN
Some lady who tried to stop them. They stole her gun and beat her up. Or so she says.
CUT TO: Highway
The van is broken down, on the side of the road. JERRY and CARL are checking it out.
JERRY
I’m going to act like I know what I’m talking about, is that okay?
CARL
That’s okay.
JERRY
Good. I think it’s heat exhaustion. We need some water or something.
CARL
You know what I think?
JERRY
What’s that?
CARL
We should take it to a auto shop.
JERRY
Good idea. But how do we get to an autoshop?
A Siren sounds as a cop motorcycle pulls up behind them. The cop, in full out gear, has a very feminine walk about him. He walks to JERRY.
COP (Ben Stiller)
What seems to be the problem here?
JERRY
Uh... it’s broke.
CARL
The car. It seems to have... broke.
COP
Looks like it. Would you like me to call a tow?
JERRY
No, we’ll be fine.
COP (Arrogant)
What are you talking about?
JERRY (Confused)
What?
COP
What is it, you don’t need my help? I’m trying to be a good citizen and you turn me down? What kind of crap is that? (Shoves JERRY) Huh, tough guy?
JERRY shoves the COP back.
COP
Assault! Assault! Get down on the ground!
JERRY and CARL stand staring at the COP.
COP
Now! I swear to you I will end you if you don’t get down on the ground right now!
JACK gets out of the car.
COP
What, you want some?
JACK
Yeah.
COP
Oh you are going down, bitch!
JACK begins to walk quickly towards the COP. The COP dodges JACK and runs back to his bike. He starts up the cycle.
COP
I better not see you boys around these parts again.
The COP drives away.
All four men look at each other, confused.
JACK
Fuckin’ Oregon.
MIKE
So... what’s next?
JACK
Money truck.
CUT TO: Downtown Eugene
We are inside an armored truck. There is one guy, Darren (Johnny Knoxville), driving it and another man (Dave Chappelle) in the passenger’s seat.
DARNELL
What the fuck you talking about? Our names ain’t even in the same ballpark, let alone sound the same.
DARREN
I was just saying--
DARNELL
Nothing-- you ain’t saying shit, cracker.
DARREN
Stop it with the name calling.
DARNELL
Shit, I’ll call you anything I want.
There is a pause.
DARNELL
Ain’t no white boys driving around, I think we safe for the day.
DARREN sighs.
DARNELL
Oh don’t you do that shit, you know white boys are the only ones that going to try and hijack a big ass bulletproof truck.
There is a loud slam as MIKE, JACK, CARL, and JACK crash into the armored truck.
DARREN
Aw fuck this. I bet you 20 that they’re black.
DARNELL (Rubbing his head)
That shit’s on.
JACK walks to the back door, and tries to open it; to no avail. He knocks on it.
DARREN
Open it!
DARNELL
Fuck no!
DARREN
Okay, then I will.
DARREN stands, and begins walking. He is tripped by DARNELL, who laughs wildly. DARREN gets up, and opens the door.
DARREN (Talking to Jack)
Are you black?
JACK
No.
DARNELL (Laughing)
Ha! Cough it up bitch.
JACK, MIKE, and JERRY stand, waiting for DARREN to give his money to DARNELL. He finally does, and JACK jumps into the truck.
JACK
Watch these two.
JACK rummages around, looking for money. He finds nothing.
JACK
Where’s the money?
DARNELL
Shit, like I’m gonna just tell you.
JACK (Points the gun at Darnel)
Where is the money?!
DARNELL
Shit, like I know.
JACK jumps back in, and spots at large metal case.
JACK
We’ll just take this.
CUT TO: Highway
They are speeding away, and JERRY is trying to open the case.
JERRY
I can’t open this.
JACK
What do you mean, "I can’t open this?"
CARL
I got an idea.
CUT TO: Five Minutes later
They are still driving, but JERRY is by the door.
JERRY
Are you sure about this?
JACK
Yeah, just throw it out. But don’t hit any cars.
MIKE
This is a bad idea.
JACK
Robbing banks is a bad idea, shooting cops is a bad idea, this... this is a slightly unlogical idea.
JERRY
Okay, ready?
JERRY opens the back door and loses his footing.
JERRY (Falling out of the Van)
Shit!
JERRY flies from the Van, and luckily out of harms way. The case flies into a car and bounces over to the side of the road, close to JERRY.
CUT TO: An Hour Later
JERRY, MIKE, CARL, and JACK are all sitting in the van.
MIKE
That was a damn good idea.
JACK
Yeah, it was. Let’s open it.
JACK bangs a screwdriver one last time and the suitcase pops open. It’s full of cash, 100 dollar bills. Stacked to the top.
JACK
Oh shit.
JERRY faints. JACK and MIKE look at each other.
JACK
And I though I was excited.
Ext. City Street
We are at the spot where the last crime went down. The truck is tipped over, lying in the street. BRYANT is walking about, scanning the crime scene. NORMAN looks exhausted, and is following.
BRYANT
They’re becoming more and more precise.
NORMAN
This is sloppy. This isn’t precise. It took the police forty minutes to respond.
BRYANT
So now it’s the police workers’ fault? You and your crazy theories.
NORMAN screams loudly, and runs away from the scene.
CUT TO: Hotel Room
JACK
One last robbery, and we’re done. We have to hit the Seattle Bank. The big one. This place has the money we need to put us into early retirement.
MIKE
Why don’t we just stop now?
JACK
We can’t, we chose and planned this out-- well... sort of. Anyway, this is the last place. After this, we’re done.
Ext. Seattle City Bank - Day
This is the most upscale place yet. There are 5 guards, and security at every corner.
CUT TO: Parking Lot
The van is parked. JACK, MIKE, and JERRY look very ready.
JACK
Does everyone understand.?
JERRY
Yes.
MIKE
Yes.
CARL
Yes.
JACK
Okay, let’s get this over-with.
JACK opens the door, and MIKE comes out after him. JERRY, for the first time, is able to NOT fall down during the exit from the van. They enter the bank. As they do so, the van speeds away.
JACK (Yelling)
Everybody down!
Everyone ducks to the floor; the guards drop in fear, and roll their guns towards JACK.
JACK
Okay, that was easy. Okay Mike, go to the vault.
CUT TO: The Vault - 15 Minutes Later
MIKE is standing at the vault, with JACK, JERRY, and the bank manager.
BANK MANAGER
I’m not going to give you this money.
JACK
Aw, come on; just give us a break here.
BANK MANAGER
No.
MIKE
What do we do now?
JERRY
Shoot him?
JACK
Well, if we shoot him, then how will we get the money?
JERRY
Good question.
BANK MANAGER
You boys might as well just get out of here.
JACK
Hey, bank boy, shut the mouth.
MIKE
Wait a second…
JACK
What?
MIKE
If I’m here, and you’re here, and Jerry’s here…
JERRY
Uh oh.
JERRY runs to the entrance of the bank, cops have surrounded the bank. All the people have left. BRYANT emerges from the crowd.
BRYANT (Yelling)
Just surrender, we’ve got you surrounded.
CUT TO: The Vault
JERRY comes running back.
JERRY
They’re here.
JACK
Okay, listen bank boy, if you don’t open this fucking thing we are going to have to shoot you.
BANK MANAGER
I’m not afraid of you.
JACK points his gun at the MANAGER’s crotch.
JACK
How about now?
The MANAGER begins entering a code.
JACK
There you go.
CUT TO: Parking Lot
MIKE appears at the door, with his hands up.
MIKE (Yelling)
I’m surrendering.
JACK and JERRY pop up from the street and throw grenades at the cop cars. MIKE sits on the ground, as JACK and JERRY run away.
1 Month Later…
Ext. Prison Yard – Day
We are back in the prison yard, just as the Hummer crashes through the gate. MIKE grabs hold of one of it’s bars and climbs into the front seat, where JACK and JERRY are waiting.
MIKE
Hey guys.
JACK
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
JACK
So, you ready?
MIKE
Hell yeah.