FADE IN:
INT. DUNCAN'S APARTMENT - MORNING
DUNCAN sits on the couch, aimlessly flicking the remote control and looking rather unkempt and depressed.
DUNCAN (V.O.)
So last night something bad happened, and
I don't plan on doing a thing today except
sitting here on this couch. I'm moderately sure
the folks at the store can handle things.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GOLD MINE
NASH, FRIZZO, and ASHLEY stand near the cash register, staring at it as receipts are wildly being printed without anyone at the helm. As the long trail of paper continues to pile up, NASH and FRIZZO turn their attention to ASHLEY.
ASHLEY
I don't know!
FRIZZO
Alright, get me some duct tape and a butter knife.
CIARA enters the store and is immediately confronted by the pile of paper. She rolls her eyes and approaches the cash register.
CUT TO:
INT. DUNCAN'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN - NOON
DUNCAN reaches in to the refrigerator and pulls out a package of pizza rolls.
DUNCAN (V.O.)
I really need to learn how to cook.
DUNCAN drops the rolls and bends over to pick them up, the door to the freezer still open. He quickly picks them up and stands right back up, smacking his head on the bottom of the freezer door.
DUNCAN
(Rubbing his head)
Huh.
DUNCAN passes out and falls to the floor.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. WHITE ROOM - FANTASY
DUNCAN now sits on the ground in a particularly dull room, his pizza rolls suddenly cooked and on a plate. He looks around the room suspiciously.
DUNCAN
What the--
DUNCAN looks down and sees his pizza rolls and smiles with glee.
DUNCAN
Score!
FRANCHILA suddenly appears, fog rising from the ground.
DUNCAN
(Confused)
What are you doing here?
FRANCHILA
What are you doing here?
DUNCAN
I don't know.
FRANCHILA lets out a strangely places evil laugh, showing off very sharp teeth.
DUNCAN
How did I get here?
FRANCHILA
Maybe you were in a plane crash, like that one show.
DUNCAN
Gilligan's Island?
FRANCHILA
No, the other one.
And out of the mist from the other corner of the room comes FRIZZO, a wooden stake in hand. He is also wearing a oddly homoerotic leather jacket and is squinting his hardest.
DUNCAN
Hey Frizzo.
FRIZZO
There's no time for small talk! Do you know
what that man has become?!
DUNCAN
A werewolf? Err, vampire.
FRIZZO
If only.
FRIZZO pulls a small mirror out of his pocket to make sure he is squinting properly. Satisfied, he puts it away.
FRIZZO (cont'd)
That man is a Joss Whedon cliche!
DUNCAN
(screaming)
No!!!!
Suddenly CIARA appears and faints.
FRANCHILA
Bitches ain't shit.
FRIZZO suddenly throws his wooden stake across the room at FRANCHILA. Instead of stabbing him, the end of the stake that isn't sharp merely hits him on the forehead. FRANCHILA falls to the ground, dead.
DUNCAN
That was sort of anti-climactic.
CUT TO:
INT. CITY STREET - LATE NIGHT
In a "gritty ghetto" there is a crime scene closed off and several cops roaming around. NASH and CIARA appear, both dressed in suits. They carry small pads of paper and pens around with them.
NASH
(Referring to his pad)
Hey Ciara, look.
CIARA rolls her eyes.
CIARA
(Annoyed)
I know, penis and balls. With hair.
NASH
Yeah, except this time it's spanish.
NASH and CIARA approach a bloody, covered dead body. They pull off the sheet covering it, revealing a very much alive DUNCAN.
CIARA
What do you think happened?
DUNCAN
Hey.
NASH
Looks like a suicide. But my money's
on a long, boring investigation with a
extremely farfetched twist ending.
DUNCAN
(Snaps his fingers)
Hey! I'm alive!
CIARA
(speaking in to a big walkie talkie)
We got a CSI.
CUT TO:
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - LATER
DUNCAN is now on a table, completely clothed still, surrounded by ASHLEY, ANDREW, NASH, and CIARA.
NASH
Looks like we've got a 48-niner.
ANDREW
What's that?
NASH
I don't know, but it sounded cool.
ASHLEY
Why does he still have clothes on?
DUNCAN
It's cold in here.
CIARA
No it's not.
DUNCAN
I thought I was supposed to be dead?
CIARA
Why do you always have to be so difficult?!
NASH
(Loudly)
Okay, I killed him!
All in the room collectively gasp.
DUNCAN
Why?
NASH
Have you seen "Prison Break"?
DUNCAN
No.
NASH
He's risking his life to break his brother
out of prison! You won't even buy me a
twisty cone!
DUNCAN
Untrue.
NASH slaps DUNCAN. DUNCAN shakes his head, then slaps NASH back. A full blown slap fight breaks out. Suddenly FRIZZO appears to break the fight up.
FRIZZO
Haven't you guys ever seen Saved By The Bell?
This is not how brothers should behave!
NASH
Don't you ever ask me that again.
It's an insult to my Saved By The Bell
knowledge.
FRIZZO
(Screaming)
I'm so excited, I'm so excited!
NASH
(Screaming)
I'm so... Confused!
FRIZZO
(Raises hand)
Gimme some.
NASH and FRIZZO high five. With their "Amused Bar-O-Meter" full, NASH and FRIZZO turn back to the others in the room.
DUNCAN
What am I supposed to do? The
store won't last much longer.
NASH
Yeah, well, some people believe
the name of a family is more important
than profits.
DUNCAN
Seriously?
CUT TO:
INT. DUNCAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
DUNCAN'S eyes open, revealing NASH standing over him. FRIZZO is there as well, apparently stealing food from DUNCAN'S freezer.
NASH
(To DUNCAN)
Mornin', sunshine!
DUNCAN
(Quietly)
What's he doing?
NASH
Stealing food.
NASH helps DUNCAN to his feet. He pats him on the shoulder seemingly as a sign of forgiveness.
DUNCAN
I should apologize.
NASH
Nah, don't worry about it.
I heard pizza rolls were currency
in some countries. They'll do just fine.
DUNCAN
I can't tell you I won't sell
my half of the store.
NASH
That's up to you.
DUNCAN
I know it is.
FRIZZO
(To DUNCAN)
Where the hell were you today, ass?
DUNCAN
I took a day off.
FRIZZO
We all got high and burnt the place down.
And we nicknamed Andrew, "Cabbage."
DUNCAN
Sounds like an interesting day.
NASH
Will we see you tomorrow?
DUNCAN
Yeah, I'll be there.
NASH and FRIZZO head towards the door, food in hand.
DUNCAN (cont'd)
(To NASH)
You still need a place to stay?
NASH
No, Frizzo and I got our own place.
Weird luck, I guess.
FRIZZO
Shotgun!
NASH and FRIZZO leave the house. DUNCAN opens up the refrigerator door and looks. Only a jar of applesauce remains. He picks it up and walks to a drawer to get a spoon.
SOUNDTRACK: EELS - P.S. YOU ROCK MY WORLD
CUT TO:
INT. DUNCAN'S APARTMENT - LATER
Watching TV with the lights dim and a bottle of empty applesauce beside him, DUNCAN slowly drifts to sleep.
DUNCAN (V.O.)
I think sometimes we all forget how
lonely of a place the world can be.
And if you spend too much time looking
out for yourself, you might find that's
the only person you're keeping
company with.
DUNCAN'S eyes close.
DUNCAN (V.O.)
Make lots of money and have
fake friends or settle for a smaller
paycheck and have real friends. I
used to believe in the former. I'm
not so sure now.
FADE OUT.