| 7-14 APRIL |
| THIS WEEK: DANCE MUSIC VIDEOS Everyone must have, at some point, seen one of those Murphy�s Laws, simple but very, very true statements about life. For instance, �anything that can go wrong, will�. Failing this, everyone must have, again at some point, seen or heard one of the Ten Commandments � lets say�Thou shall not kill (or whatever it was). It seems that there is now a new addition to the list of Murphy�s Laws and Ten Commandments. This is�Thou must make every video for dance songs in the charts complete and utter�shit. Yes, wherever you look (with a few exceptions, see �thoughtful� dance music like Orbital, Underworld and The Chemical Brothers) there seems to be a formula for the ultimate chart friendly dance music video. Let�s review the criteria point by point� |
| 1. Thou shalt must have (preferably beautiful European) female singing on the track Now I have no idea why European females are so prevalent in modern trance and chart friendly music. If you need evidence, look no further than Alice Deejay, Ian Van Dahl (bizarrely, there are no men in this group) and Lasgo. There are also a number of one hit wonders, not to mention the more established acts who use guest beautiful European females on their records, with the oft used �featuring� tag appearing on the CD sleeves. I guess one tactic might be to lure in male listeners with the eye candy that appears on the tracks, but as for musical quality � OK they�re decent enough vocalists, but they all sound the same! EXCEPTION: Males singing lead vocals, see Phats and Small, Armand Van Helden Right - Those pesky Ian Van Dahl lasses |
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| 2. Have a cast of thousands (Usually) Again, as well as the beautiful European female singers, to really get the message across that you�ve made a top class �choon�, feature lots of handbag carrying, strangely dressed clubber types waving their arms about and generally �grooving� to the track. Preferably by the thousand. And wearing silly wigs and make up if you can persuade them. EXCEPTION: If the track is not a club/chart crossover, more serious song 3. Get a remix by a top DJ Now as these people are employed to simply play music, what right does that give them to fiddle about with the master recording and add their own bells, whistles and drum loops? Whatever the moral standing on this, it seems the involvement of someone like Pete Tong, Judge Jules or another obscure name who doubtless charges around �10,000 for his services is guaranteed to stand you in good stead. Like a celebrity endorsement. EXCEPTION: No exceptions. If you�re in doubt, get someone famous to mess about with your track |
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| Above: Judge Jules, knob twiddler |
| 4. If you must feature in the video yourselves (as the performer) make sure it is in one of the following contexts 1. Trapped behind decks/masses of recording equipment, wearing headphones and nodding in time with the �choon�. 2. Sat somewhere cool, like the inside of a limousine, wearing sunglasses and nodding in time to the �choon� while lots of scantily clad ladies wander around you. Headphoneswearing optional, but not if you�re someone like Roger Sanchez or Armand Van Helden. |
| 3. Making a cheeky cameo appearance at the end of the video, much like the Chemical Brothers in the �Hey Boy, Hey Girl� video. 4. Ensure the video revolves around you completely. Works better if you are a dance music duo like Bentley Rhythm Ace. 5. You mention exceptions � which videos do you mean exactly? Here are some dance music videos that are definitely NOT crap. Check them out � �Aerodynamic� by Daft Punk (Manga style cartoon with strange blue skinned people) �Come To Daddy� by Aphex Twin (genuinely scary small kids with artists� face) �Sweet Like Chocolate� by Shanks and Bigfoot (ooh, it�s all chocolately!) �Freeek� by George Michael (OK, OK, not really a dance song, but the video isn�t bad) �Smack My Bitch Up� by The Prodigy (Controversial? Yes! Crappy? No!) �Born Slippy (Nuxx)� by Underworld (Fast paced, strange text, mental, mental!) |
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