| 6-13 MAY 2002 |
| THIS WEEK: PETE'S AMAZING PLAN TO CAPTURE OSAMA BIN LADEN, DEAD OR ALIVE! Yeah damn shit right, you heard me good boys and girls! It's now been just over ten months since beardy terrorist bastard Osama Bin Laden nailed the World Trade Centre with two planes hijacked by religiously brainwashed wankers. So, in an act of vigilante revenge for the families of those killed on 11th September, here is my step by step guide to whacking Bin Laden and delivering him to the US officials, either with his head on a spike or not. |
| ESSENTIAL INFORMATION |
| THE VIGILANTE OPERATIVES |
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| Peter Muscutt AKA "Kobayashi" Simon Laughton AKA "Pauline" |
| THE ENEMY |
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| Weird bearded terrorist man Osama Bin Laden. Public Enemy Number One! |
| ARTILLERY |
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| Now I don't actually own these guns, this picture is from a gunsmith website I found. Apparently these are two Holland & Holland Twelve Bore Shotguns, just the kind of artillery we need. "We wanna look fucking mean" and all that. They have 28" barrels, come in a lovely presentation case and have good quality replacement stocks. And at �28,000 for the pair they bloody should have. Put them on the shopping list! |
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| We thought some of these might come in handy for chucking in caves and things, I have no idea how much they are (a good few quid I'd imagine) or where you get them from (car boot sale?) but they'd do just the job. |
| STEP ONE: GET TO AFGHANISTAN Now this is based on the very cloudy assumption that Mr Bin Laden is still in Afghanistan. He probably isn't, God knows I'd have cleared off by now as well. So, chances are we'd meet up with some Army dudes and get some information off them, posing as news reporters for a newspaper back home. When we'd got the jist of where they reckon he is, we could scout about in those areas, weilding our antique shotguns all the while. There's an airline called Ariana Afghan Airlines that can get us over there if we bung them a few quid or perhaps hide in the cargo hold like the dead hard bastards we are. They fly to Bagram and Jalalabad amongst other places so chances are we can get off at one of those. |
| ABOVE: KABUL AIRPORT...BIT BLEAK, INNIT? |
| STEP TWO: WHACK BIN LADEN This is merely just a case of searching every cave, cavern, outhouse, cathouse, fish house, whore house and dog house in Afghanistan. To the left is a map of our search area, which is in beige (the entire country). Click on it to see a better picture. Yeah, so, you can just imagine us wandering around the Afghan desert (or whatever it is they have out there, sadly we've not done our research, but I'd imagine there's a lot of mountains). When we find Bin Laden, click this link HERE to see what we'd do to him. Except I'm not sure the fly would necesserily be there all the time...anyway, yeah, we'd let him explain why he did what he did and then basically we'd feed him our shotguns and blow his brains out. |
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| STEP THREE: DRAG BIN LADEN'S DEAD ASS BACK TO THE USA AND BECOME HEROES So by this time our actions will be known by those back home, and we'll seal Bin Laden's remains in a zipper bag or something, and take them to President Bush and show him how nails we are. Chances are we'd get medals, our $25 million reward and a lifetime supply of Dr Pepper or something...or more likely thrown in the clink for interfering in FBI and Army business...hey, its just me daydreaming! |
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