| 29 APRIL - 5 MAY 2002 |
| THIS WEEK � SOAP OPERA CLICHES Continuing the recent list of �how to� lessons (dance music videos, furniture polish and washing powder adverts for those who missed them), I continue with this week�s �how to� which is�how to do a soap opera (preferably Australian). Or more specifically, how to make sure you include those well worn cliches that the viewers never seem to spot (or pretend not to). 1. Getting a character out the room Now this clich� comes into play whenever two characters want to have a private conversation, but there�s one problem! A third character is in the room with them! How should this earth shaking problem be broached on screen? Here�s how � a) Scene should begin with two characters doing some innocent, everyday activity � watching TV, having a cup of coffee etc. b) Person wishing to instigate private conversation should knock on door, interrupting everyday activity. c) Person who will be on the receiving end of this private conversation should answer the door. Strangely it is never the guest or third (unwanted) character that opens the door. d) Person wishing to instigate private conversation enters room, cue false greetings and enquiries as to wellbeing. This character can be carrying a personal gift to the receiver of the private chat to emphasise the importance of the visit. For added uneasiness, ensure the person wishing to instigate private conversation and third (unwanted) character are enemies. e) Cue a very awkward silence for a few moments, where person wishing to instigate private conversation stands around looking unsure, while the unwanted third character looks twattish, before gurning and saying a line to excuse themselves from the room. Any of the following are fine: �I�ll just go and check the dinner�, �I�ve got to make a phone call�, �I�ll go and get the washing in�, �My grandmother is on fire� or �Oh dear, looks like the dog has got stuck in a melon again�I�d better go see if he�s OK�. 2. �The door was open� This next one just smacks me as a total lack of manners. During my time at university, I lived in a house where one of my housemate�s friends saw fit to barge through our front door whenever she fucking well liked, which I thought was just plain rude. This thing seems to happen a lot in Australian soap operas, although not as much as it used to. It involves a neighbour or friend popping in through the back door �because it was open�. I don�t fucking care if it was hanging off the bloody hinges! YOU KNOCK WHEN YOU WANT TO BE LET IN! Jesus�strangely, characters never barge in when they want to instigate a private conversation as detailed in point one. 3. The Pre-Kiss Moment To be used in a situation between two characters (male and female, unless it calls for some homosexual scene, which in these politically correct times are becoming more frequent). This scene involves the two characters doing an activity that borders on friendliness and flirting, before collapsing into blatant romance (i.e. the two characters snogging) and, if the broadcasting laws allowed it, abject pornography. Here are some examples of activities that can lead to a �pre-kiss moment�: spilling something over the other person, giving a back rub, comforting a friend in need, after an argument, falling asleep on each other�s lap, saying goodbye for whatever reason. Can occur before a �getting a character out the room� scene � i.e. the kiss can the activity that is interrupted by the knock at the door. |
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| The usual suspects: Neighbours; far left, Home and Away, left |
| 4. Cheesy Music Interlude Usually used at the climax of a scene involving dialogue between two characters, ending in either a threat, ultimatum or informing of bad news. Usual protocol is a close up of the character looking confused, scared or both. Then the cheesy guitar, keyboard or both kick in and destroy whatever drama had been built up in the previous two minutes. Cheesy music interlude can lead into a new scene, for instance, the backing music in a pub or �coffee shop�. 5. Everyone knows everyone else Talk about close communities, these bastards seem to know everything there is to know about everyone living in their street! How close to real life�honestly, isn�t it a bit of a co-incidence that an entire street can live, work, chat and sleep together? I think so. On no circumstances must you have a character who nobody else in the programme knows. Unless it is to introduce a new character and their identity shall be revealed later that episode. 6. The Nosebleed Rule This happens, invariably, when there is a bit of a scrap between two characters who are enemies. The rule goes is that one will step out of line, driving their opponent across it (the �line�). They will twat them, and strangely, ALWAYS give them a bloody nose. Never a black eye or a split lip (well, OK then, occasionally�) but 99% of the time they will come out of it with a reddened conk. Oh yeah, and the other �rule� � the floored character (they always fall over when hit on the nose) must ALWAYS dab their nostril and look at the blood on their fingers. This may, or may not lead to more scrapping. Depending on whether the lady they are brawling over is present, naturally. |
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