| PETER'S WEEK |
| THIS WEEK: WASHING POWDER AND FURNITURE POLISH ADVERTS Ahhh, right. I've just emailed Simon about this, having seen some ads for polish and washing powder this lovely, rainy Sunday morn. I'm not going to name any brands, because all ads for these products are the same. As with the dance music rant a while back, here is the formula for the perfect washing powder and furniture polish ads... WASHING POWDER Start with, preferably, a single parent family setting. Mum and two kids (preferably one male/one female). Obviously people who buy washing powder are not in relationships. Feature kids falling over or doing some activity such as playing football, jumping in puddles, tipping jam over their heads etc. Anything that will get the bugger's clothes shitty. Shot of kid wandering into kitchen looking guilty, with mum frowning and sighing. Pack shot of washing powder, which, by some almost biblical miracle, can get a range of stains out of clothes from mud to blood, red wine to grass, vomit to semen. Shot of clothes rotating in the washing machine with the stains magically disappearing. (Scope for including hackneyed before and after shot of still marked clothes washed in a competitors' powder (strangely always called 'Brand X' or something) and the brand being advertised). Post washing scene of kid smiling with glee as their favourite top/jeans/thong appears from the wash sparkly clean and ready to be muddied up again. End with shot of mum looking pleased and embarassing, cliched slogan involving a washing pun. ALTERNATIVELY... Secure the services of some B/C list celebrity to ponce around on people's doorsteps asking housewives to fetch a tablecloth or some bucket knickers to show how white they are, before intruding into their home, ordering them to wash their (just washed) clothes in an amazing, new washing powder (wrapped in white paper) and then act smug at how clean the brand being advertised cleans the clothes. |
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| See how the woman on the left smiles so smugly at how white her bed linen is. Or is it her Ku Klux Klan uniform? Who can tell? Who really gives a toss? |
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| FURNITURE POLISH I've never liked polish, it makes me sneeze. Which is unfortunate, because my mum has a penchant for polishing stuff, always when I'm in the room it seems, setting me off into fits of sneezing for the rest of the day. Like with the washing powder ads, the setting should be the family home - with lots and lots of wooden items. Dining tables, coffee tables, worktops, bookcases, windowsills, ornaments, children - anything that can be made of wood, should be. Note that the male in the family never ever polishes ANYTHING! Good to see in these politically correct times that men still can't be fucked with the housework. Don't be decieved by the apparent cleanliness of the home in the advert, for a dark secret lies within...Nobody can be fucked to dust on top of things! Gasp in awe as you witness the inches and inches of crap in hard to reach places. Then swoon in relief as the magical, miraculous furniture polish appears in the form of a little man dressed like Biggles in a plane, flying about and spraying the afflicted areas. How do these people get their homes so dirty? I mean, if they can afford the amount of stuff made from wood, why don't they hire a sodding cleaner? Even then, i suspect the cleaner wouldn't be able to get all the dust out. What makes me chuckle are those little handles, the ones where you attach a wiping cloth. The people using them in the adverts look so happy! I can tell you this is plainly not true. Dusting is not a happy activity, it is a burden. Hence the name 'chore'. Ahh...what's going on with the world, eh? To finish with, here is a message posted by some guy called Michael on a website called horsedata.co.uk... |
| "When trying to give your pony that extra shine, use furniture polish. Harmless to your horse but cheap and easy to use. Just spray onto an old cloth (so it doesn't frighten the horse) and wipe on. Wahey, one shiny horse!" |
| Does nobody find this a bit cruel? I mean...I liked the bit about spraying it onto a cloth first so as not to scare the horse - yeah, I'd be a bit pissed off if some bastard started wiping me with polish as well! I mean, what next? Washing guinea pigs in the dishwasher? Warming cold tortoises up under the grill? Jesus... |
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