| Department for Enlightment |
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| HOROSCOPE You won't find the future in the mouths of babes ... |
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| CAPRICORN: December 22 - January 19 General: Your colonel throws jaffa cakes at you when you mention "retirement". Job: You're the best to do it. At least one thing everybody agrees on. Love: Gershwen asks you what Valentine's Day is about. Show - don't tell! |
| AQUARIUS: January 20 - February 18 General: Whose idea was this! Bad! Bad! Bad! Job: Where do we have to complain so you get it back? Love: Lots of. For you and the rest of the planet. |
| PISCES: February 19 - March 20 General: You're miffed. Baal beat you again at the Mr Goa'uld Contest. Job: God is a DJ! Love: You're frustrated. The only Valentine's card you got was from Nirrti. |
| ARIES: March 21 - April 19 General: No idea how this guy ended up in this horoscope. Job: Must be because the editors are weird and have a weak spot for noses. Love: His nose is really cute. |
| TAURUS: April 20 - May 20 General: You get 165 hits on Google. "Major Cutie Pie" gets 17. You're feeling great! Job: "Chevron Guy" becomes an official rank in the Air Force of Monaco. Love: Your mother arranges a blind date for you. You escape through the Stargate. |
| GEMINI: May 21 - June 21 General: You access to "Ebay" is blocked. Jack decided 17 lava lamps are enough. Job: Your temp agency calls. You're offered a job in Atlantis. Love: Anise decides to introduce you to the Tok'ra version of Valentine's Day. Run! |
| CANCER: June 22 - July 22 General: "Very funny, Oma Desala - and now beam down my clothes!" Job: Your office is hoovered, dusted and decorated with rose petals. Violins play. Love: Your Valentine's gift has a doctorate and a pink bow around her waist. |
| LEO: July 23 - August 22 General: You should help a Virgo guy feeling less stressed this month. Job: Brighten up everybody's day - wear your pink camo for work. Love: Gentlemen prefer blondes. Colonels too. |
| MAK'TOT: 17 Biff - Buff 93 General: You feel like a part of you is missing. Job: Hey - a part of you IS missing! Love: You can't decide whom to take on a date. You decide to sell raffles. |
| VIRGO: August 23 - September 22 General: NO WAY! Colonel's have way more fun! Job: You just can't say no ... Love: Time for a second spring before winter. Only 22 more episodes to go, colonel! |
| LIBRA: September 23 - October 22 General: Your biggest competitor is back. You decide on a mud- and cucumber mask. Job: They sell "Cutie Pie" at the commissary. You get a lot of hungry looks. Love: US Mail Services decide to open an office for proceeding your love letters. |
| SCORPIO: October 23 - November 21 General: You decide to completely ignore the spoilers for season 7. So do we. Job: Your favourit patient is back. Love: let him at least take off the shirt before you sew your name tags into it! |
| SAGITTARIUS: November 22 - December 21 General: Losers - weepers. Finders - keepers. Job: Candy floss on Coney Island? Love: Not very substantial. |
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