Flute/Piccolo
� What do you call a band's worst flutist?
It's newest bassoonist.

� How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
Shoot one.

� How do you tune two piccolos?
Shoot them both

� Where do flutists do all their practicing?
When the director works with the trumpets (again, CBII!)

� How do you make a flutist into a drummer?
Put another useless stick in her hand.

Oboe
� What do you call an oboe with good tone?
Amazing. (or Doug Valenta)

� How long does it take to tune an oboe?
Nobody knows.

� What do you do if you're short an oboist?
Have a percussionist drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.

� Oboist's motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

Clarient/Saxaphone
� What is a bass clarinet?
A soprano clarinet impersonating a bassoon.

� When should a saxophonist change his reed?
Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score. (again, true of the second altos in CBII)

� "Just think of the altos as the trumpets of the woodwind section."

Trumpet
� What do you call the bands worst trumpet player?
Their new treble clef euphonium. (oh its so painfully true!)

� VALVE: A key object on most brass instruments that sticks only during
important performances and solos.

� Why don't trumpet players have mid-life crises?
They're stuck in adolescence

� How do you get a trumpeter to play louder?
Who in their right mind would want a trumpeter to play louder?

� Okay, how do you really get a trumpeter to play louder?
Hopefully no one will ever find out.

� What's the secret trumpet handshake?
Shake hands and say "Hi! I'm better than you."

� Why are French horn jokes so short?
So trumpet players can understand them

� What does a measure of rest indicate to a trumpet player?
An improvised solo..

� What is a crescendo used for in trumpet music?
A reminder that the trumpeter has been playing too loudly

French Horn
� What are French horn players most afraid of?
Sightreading.

� How can you tell if a French horn player is dead?
What's the difference?

� Why shouldn't horn players take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

� How do you get a trumpet to sound like a French horn?
Sit in the back and don't play.

� How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I played that last year.

Trombone
� How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
Four: one to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under him. (And the one euphonium player to then smack all four with her instrument for being blamed for their antics, sheesh)

� Why don't trombone players have mid-life crises?
They're stuck in adolescence (and we all know this ones true)

� How do you stop a trombone from being stolen?
Why would you want to do that? (But seriously, if u want, steal mine)

� Why did the bassoonist have to play with bad tone?
She had the same part as the trombones.

� Why did the trombonist have to play with bad tone?
He's a trombonist.

� If a clarinetist plays clarinet, a French hornist plays a French horn, and a tubist plays a tuba, who plays a trombone?
An idiot. (And me...)

� How do you get a trombone player to play slower?
Put a page of music in front of him.

� How do you get him to stop completely?
Put notes on the page.

� How do you know when the trombones are in a good mood?
They have no pants on

� How do you know when the Marching Band has run out of dots?
Again, the Trombones have no pants on

� I don't know which is worse; being stuck with the crazies of the tuba section, or being stuck next to the perverts of the trombone section

Baritone/Euphonium
� What do you call a really bad trumpet player?
A treble clef euphonium. (Who then goes directly to Wind Ensemble due to a horrible lack of decent Euphonium players which makes the bass clef person who�s been playing since 6th grade, annoyed because they have to compensate for the other Euphonium, grrrr)

� How many euphonium players does it take to change a light bulb?
Since when do euphonium players change light bulbs?
One, only one, there�s never more then one Euphonium in any one band

� How do you know when a baritone player is at your door?
They get lost on the way in.

� VALVE: A key object on most brass instruments that sticks only during important performances and solos. (And the objects Matt decides are fun to press down on my solo)

� Why is a baritone better than a tuba?
When the angry mob shows up, a baritone is easier to conceal.

� What is the grading scale of a baritone?
New
Hit by Bulldozer Once
Hit by Bulldozer Twice
Good for parts
School Instrument (and I�ve had all five, trust me, new is a whole lot better but if the ones hit by a bulldozer once are ok)

� You go to a party and people say, �I�m a lawyer,� or, �I�m a doctor.� But when you say, �I�m a euphoniumist,� people look at you kinda funny.

Bassoon/Tuba
� What do you call a band's worst flutist?
It's newest bassoonist.

� Why are there so few bassoon jokes?
None of the other instrumentalists are smart enough to think of any

� True Story: Two bassoonists played together in a high school band. Whenever one found out that the other was doing an extracurricular band activity, the first question always asked was, "What instrument?"

� VALVE: A key object on most brass instruments that sticks only during important performances and solos.

� Why is a sousaphone better than a tuba?
It's portable.

� How do you get a tubist to stop playing?
Recite any line from any Monty Python skit. They�ll be shouting 'Ni!' for hours. On second thought, just go buy some earplugs. (This also works for Trombones and Mellos!)

Percussion
� What should you call a drummer?
It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway. (o so true of those in CBII)

� How do you make a drummer keep playing?
Glare at them and make frantic gestures indicating that they should stop. (The Roselieb glare! Mwhaaaaa!)

� Why do drummers smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.

� This guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.

Ok, well, if you have any other ideas for what I can put down here, let me know.(especially if they're for Horn, Clarinet, Sax, Tuba, or Bassoon!) But whatever instrument, it doesnt matter.

Band Home