Hey People! This is just where you can find all those emails and stuf that you get sent that i thought were pretty cool or funny. So enjoy!
You're a siamese Twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay.
You're not.
He has a date coming over tonight.
You only have one ass.
ode to all the glaesga neds!
You giro blagging little f*ckers
Known to us as neds or muckers.
Think all that "gold" makes you look rich?
Well think again you rank wee b*tch.
Your ugly mugs and sharpened features
Remind me of some mutant creatures
From a distant far off land,
Us decent folk can't understand
Your need to wear your hat like that
You simple minded little twat.
So twiglette limbed and high of voice,
You leave us with such little choice
It seems to me our only plan's
To infiltrate your vulgar clans.
We'll raid the Barras in our flocks
And confiscate those white sports socks!
'Cause as we know, no self made ned
Would let himself be captured dead
Without the trademark tucked in trackies
While shouting abuse at snobs and packies
So if you want retaliation
and want to help to rid this nation,
Of filthy muckers, neds and bams
Then join with me and have no qualms.
We'll walk in safety after dark
Through Maryhill and Kinning Park.
To all of you I give my thanks
Lets terminate these little W*nks!
A true work of poetic genius if you ask me and as for this....
The Ten Commandments Of The Female Ned
1. Four pairs of scrunchie socks must be worn under joggies rolled up to masquerade as cropped trousers.
2. Hair must be so tightly scraped back from the face that one cannot blink.(one also must slather the hair in various flammable hair products for that solid look)
3. A plethora of neon bobbles must adorn the hair tied into a large bun at the base of the neck. 7 or more is standard. coloured hair mascara in a co-ordinating shade to the tick on your trainers can be used on special occasions, like the birth of your pal's child.
4. You must chew gum like a cow posessed by a goat.
5. You must yell like a harpy at every man that walks by, and growl like the hound that you are at every respectable female in the vicinity - either way, make a public nuisance of yourself.
6. You must carry a small child at all times, preferably your own.
7. You must wear more gold around your neck than a mister T convention. if it damages your posture, all the better. neds have crooked spines, that is the way of the ned.
8. You must brag about the number of sexual acts you have performed on the climbing frame in the local park. if it is less than ten per friday night, you must take action to boost your slapper status.
9. You must shoplift from topshop.
10. You must drink cheap cider and watermelon breezers. on the special occasions cited above, you may splash out on a quarter bottle of vodka.
Commandments to be emblazoned in inch thick gold lettering to be suspended from the neck of a baseball capped white socked track suited smartarsed little f*ck.
On a Sear's hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dove soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???.)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well. duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(.and you thought????.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this edication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accients if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and, I'm taking this because???.)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to. what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh. fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again .
