by Jon Lewallen
Hipsters of Tomorrow
If you ask me, and most folks don�t (those bastards), there�s never been a better time to be a hipster. Sure the 1950s had Steve Allen, bongo drums, and dying from cirrhosis in poorly lit alleyways, but the present day has the internet, VH1�s �I Love� series, and scarves. Oh, the scarves! Appreciating things ironically has become the new disdain. But what about the hipsters of tomorrow? Today�s pop culture ironists won�t be around forever. In the future, who will be there to make fun of the squares? With this question in mind, let�s look ahead to what the next generation of hipsters will be �digging.�
The Postal Service
No, not the band featuring That Guy From Death Cab and That Other Guy, I�m talking about the United States Postal Service. As more an more electronic devices become equipped with e-mail, the messenger bag set will start corresponding the old fashioned way � with pen and paper (or quill!), an envelope and a stamp. And speaking of stamps, future postage will feature artwork depicting the next wave of hipster-approved bands like Dear Mr. Furley, and My Other Car is a Millennium Falcon. The hipsters of tomorrow will try to impress each other with whose postcards travel the slowest. �Mine took eight days!� �Mine took a month and a half!� Post offices will become the new indie record stores, and the young, hip employees will belittle your choice in envelopes.
Arbor Day
So long, �Talk Like a Pirate Day!� Planting trees is the new �yarrrr.� Soon, young people all over the country will be tending to young saplings and beautifying their neighborhoods for the latest hipster holiday. But forget about sitting and reading under those trees on a sunny May afternoon, enjoying the sunshine and reading a good book while your friends toss a Frisbee and debate who�s bringing the hot dog buns to that evening�s cookout. That�s for suckers.
Sandwiches
Sure, sandwiches are popular now. But move over, Subway! (A little to the right, actually. Little more. Little more. Little more. No, my right. You know what? Just forget it.) Soon, Metuchen, NJ (the new Brooklyn) will be crawling with small independent sandwich stores with fare named for late-1980s cartoons. Try the Captain N: The Gamemaster Buffalo Chicken Wrap, or the Slimer and the Real Ghostbusters Veggie Delight. Avoid the Centurions Turkey Club, though, since it has bacon.
Classical Music
You know how bands like the Clogs and Rachel�s use stringed instruments? In the future, hipsters will just skip the middleman and go straight to the source. Before you know it, the nation�s concert halls and opera houses will be overrun with 19-34 year olds wearing corduroy pants and Screech Powers t-shirts. This trend will be strictly Baroque, though. Don�t bring that Romantic period shit in here.
Congress
That�s right. Soon hipsters will stop voting for third-party candidates ironically and start running for Congress on their own. Hipsters will move to states like Idaho (the new Metuchen, NJ) to have a better chance at getting elected. Slogans like �Vote Todd Elway, otherwise robot bears will eat your grandmother� will replace �I Like Ike� in our national political lexicon. Andy Milonakis will be named Senate Majority Leader (R-KY, the new ID). The federal budget will be spent on yo-yos and laserdisc copies of �Cornbread, Earl and Me,� which will never be played with or watched. Future hipster legislation will include passing a resolution supporting the goals and ideals of LCD Soundsystem, and creating the Ironic Faith-Based Initiative.
Habitat for Humanity
Just to get their picture taken with Jimmy Carter. I mean, what�s more ironic than that?
Pledging Fraternities
For future hipsters, this will be the ultimate sacrifice. They�ll undergo a complete wardrobe transformation (goodbye glasses, hello South Carolina �COCKS� hat), be hazed mercilessly, drink crappy beer, roofie freshman girls and start listening to 3 Doors Down, all so they can ironically say, �I�m a Kappa Sig.� Truly, the hipsters of tomorrow will be kings among men.
