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THE HALLOWEEN PARTY or I AM A CONDOM "What are you going to put?" Ororo tapped her black pen against the front of her teeth as she stared at the small, blank piece of paper in front of her. "Well, I'm definitely going to suggest a man's costume�I'm just not sure what. What are you putting down, Rogue?" Rogue grinned sheepishly as she unfolded her paper and read her own words aloud. "I put 'latex condom' and it's in the unisex jar." Ororo burst out in laughter, playing scenarios of who might choose that as their Halloween costume. The Beast, fresh from a day in his lab, with saran wrap all over his body came to mind, and Ororo's laughter increased. "Oh Goddess, that is an excellent idea for a costume. Thank you for telling me, I won't choose out of that jar now." Rogue refolded the paper and deftly stuck it into the Mason jar labeled "unisex". "Not a problem, sugah. I'd really rather see Remy or Beast in that lil' getup." "I'd rather see anyone in it besides me." "I second that, sugah." "Rogue, you gonna help Gambit burn these leaves or you gonna yammer wit' Stormy all day?" Remy called out from the backyard, his head sticking through the sliding glass door. "I'm comin', Swamp rat, hold your horses. I'll talk to you later, Storm. I can hardly wait until tomorrow�the Halloween party is going to be a blast!" With that, Rogue left the kitchen to meet Remy outside, who immediately threw several leaves in her hair. Shaking her head to herself, Storm turned back to her paper as she contemplated what her suggestion would be. Let's see�I could put 'French Whore', but someone does that every year�although, seeing Bobby in purple eyeshadow was pretty funny�no, I need something original. Think, Ororo, think. She looked around the kitchen, desperately seeking inspiration for her costume suggestion. Every year all the X-Men put together three jars: the female jar, the male jar, and the unisex jar. Each team member was aloud one suggestion that had to fit into of those categories, and if luck was with them, everything worked out come Halloween. There was that one Halloween when Jean had to dress up like a man�I can't believe she bought a dildo for it�no, I can't believe that she's yet to return it. Once you picked a suggestion, that was your costume, and your character for the evening. That little rule had been invented by Bobby ala the French Whore years, when he decided that not only would he look like one, but he'd think and talk like one all evening. Gambit had nearly killed himself when Bobby had batted his eyelashes at him and seductively murmured, "Vo Lay Voo Kuu Shay Ah Vay twah?" with a distinctly American accent. This year, Storm had decided to pick one of the lucky X-Men's Halloween costumes, but she still couldn't quite figure out the perfect idea. Some of the most popular suggestions from year's past were to have the men dress up as women, and although Remy's double D breasts had been funny for a while, Storm wanted an idea that was�"I've got it!" She quickly scribbled down her suggestion and tucked it safe away into the jar. Her face glowed with laughter and anticipation. "Tomorrow can't some soon enough." *** "May I have your attention, please? Attention, attention�EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Bobby screamed, all the while cordially tapping his glass at the head of the table. Soon, the entire room was silent and Bobby cleared his throat, preparing himself to continue. "It is my sacred duty, appointed to me by the gods-" he looked down at Ororo, "and the goddesses, to be the official 'Costume-idea-hander-outer', so, without further adieu, may I present The Jars." Bobby's voice continued in falsetto, high singing as Jubilee brought them forward. If he's trying to sound like a chorus of angels, Ororo thought to herself, he'd have better luck getting castrated first. Jean was the first to get a jar, reaching for the unisex one. "Oh my God." Scott was next, opting for the Male. "Sweet Jesus." Logan. "Holy Shit." Beast. "Oh my stars and garters." Logan again, still not quite recovered. "Holy fucking shit." Rogue's eyes grew large as she punched Remy on his shoulder. "In your dreams, Swamp Rat." Remy reached a partially gloved hand in, and began muttering French expletives. After everyone had had a turn at the jars, they finally reached Ororo. Sucking in her breath, and her pride, her mocha hand quickly slid into the Female jar and pulled out a rather crumpled looking piece of paper. "Well, what didja get?" Jubilee asked, snapping her gum. It started to rain outside. *** Ororo paced around her attic room, wringing her hands and every now and then casting a glance at that�that blasphemous piece of a paper that wanted her to dress up like� "Why do I always have to be such a team player? Oh Goddess, if I dress like that and stay in character�no, no, I expect them to do the same with their suggestions, so I must do the same with mine." Ororo rushed to her closet and flung the door open, nearly off it's hinges. If she was going to do this, she wasn't going to do a half assed job. With that thought in mind, she decided to go do a little shopping. She needed some�supplies. She had the stature for her costume, just nothing else. *** "That'll be twenty-two fifty," slightly stoned looking teenage girl said, as she finished bagging a few of Ororo's items. Only a few, though, because the bulk of her shopping was already done, with those items waiting for her in the back of her neon. "Hey, why ya need all this stuff? You look well endowed to me," the Parker Posey-esque girl asked, handing Ororo her bag. A catlike grin swept Ororo's face as she thought of her reply. "Because no one'll ever say that Ororo Munroe wasn't a team player." *** "Logan?" "What?" "May I borrow your sword?" "My what?" "Oh, don't think so highly of yourself, you Canukclehead. Your sword, the one you use to fight." "If yer implying that I don't do some serious damage with this sword, then I gotta tell ya someth-" "It's in the closet right? Thanks, I'll just bring this back when I'm done with it." "-ing darlin', you're seriously mistaken." *** "Let's get this party started y'all!" Bobby yelled, adjusting his bra strap. He pouted his ruby red lips as he played with his long, brown hair. Someone was dancing with his man. Bobby did his sultry walk as he approached Gambit and Rogue. "Nah listen heah, Swamp Rat. You be mah fellah nah, so we gonna dance�uhh�fried grits y'all and y'all come back nah, ya heah?" Rogue rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Bobby, I do NOT sound lahk tha�like that. And can't Remy and I have at least one dance?" "Now, now chere, the way I see it is that Rogue wants to dance with me, and since she be my girlfriend and you, a hooker-coming-off-of-herione-for-the-first-time-and-so-desperates-for-money-that-she'll-do-anything-to-anyone aren't, I think I'll dance wit' my girl. Shall we, Rogue?" Bobby threw his hands up to his face and began fanning his brightly painted red cheeks. "Why, Mr. Teletubby, Ah'm downright flattered that yah'd wanna dance wit' lil ole me!" Bobby raised his green-nylon clad arm. "Shall we? And, may Ah remind you, sir, you, and you're two bit whore, need to stay in character ALL eve-nin!" Rogue fumed to herself silently as her purple teletubby walked away with�her. Dammit, people shouldn't be allowed to suggest to be other X-Men. Oh well, I might as well get into character. Rogue checked to make sure that she still had the small strips of rubber tied around her forearm, and a fake syringe taped to her vein, and made her way over to the refreshment table, where an upset Scott and bemused Jean stood. "Hey, hey, Mr.I-Love-Bobby-Sings all over him, I'll kiss yer pecker for a quarter, and I'll take it in the end for a dollar and a lighter." Scott turned to face Rogue, his Iceman mask slipping from off his face. "What?! Oh, hi Rog�hi whore. I" he shot a look at the giant banana that he proudly called his wife, who nodded eagerly, egging him on "I would only want to have anal sex with Bobby, also known as the Iceman, because I love him and I want to have his baby!" "Ah heard that! And Ah only love Remy, and Ah have a bad dye job!" "Shut up," an angry looking hooker yelled. "I mean, shut up before I come over there and make you shut up." Jean, trying to cover her mouth, had a helpless fit of the giggles. "Oh, God, Rogue, you look awful." "I should, it's my first day off heroine. And might I add, you look rather 'apeeling' yourself." "Ha. That was funny the first time I heard it from The Bobby Fan, and only sort of funny when I heard it from Jubilee, otherwise known as Jesus Christ." Hearing her name mentioned, Jubilee looked up from across the room. "Like, don't make fun of the Son of God, or he's gonna come over there and kick your ass, even if you are one of God's creatures!" This brought on more strains of laughter, as Kurt, who for the night was Tammy Fay Baker, began to argue with her if Jesus would approve of animal testing for make up. "So," Rogue said, shifting her attention back on her conversation with the Banana and Bobby Fan, "I have yet to of seen Logan or Ororo yet." "Neither have we. We haven't seen Beast yet, either." "Oh, he's just making sure his lederhosen are still on strait. He was yodeling for a while, until the Rogue threatened to punch his lights out." Just then, there was a lull in the music as the doors quietly opened. Logan had tried to enter discretely, but he had not a chance. One of his lambs baaed. "OH MAH GAWD, IT'S MARY BO PEEP!" Bobby swooned into Remy's arms. With a half chewed cigar hanging out of his mouth, golden curls framing his face, pink, lacey bonnet, and pink frilly gown with miles of petticoats, Logan made his way into the room, tugging the now petrified lamb behind him. "Anybody says one thing and I'll smack you with my crook." There was a brief silence as the entire room stood still, absorbing Logan and his femininity. "Jesus thinks it's a good look for you, Wolvie." "Vhy does Yesus refer to himself in ze zird person?" "Don't question the mysterious ways of the Lord." Logan let loose his rakish grin that he was famous for and pulled the lamb off towards the side, where Goose from Top Gun promised to take care of it. The Banana ran up to him, barely able to control her laughter. "Logan, you're�you're ADORABLE!" Logan smiled again and replied in a little girl voice. "Thank you vewy much." *** Rogue tapped her finger against the refreshment table, apparently in deep thought or having an acid induced flashback. "I'm still wondering where that sweet ass Storm is. If she only gave me a nickel, oh the things I'd do to her." "Did someone call my name?" a thunderous voice asked, echoing throughout the room. "Storm, is that you? Where are you?" Jean called out, looking around the vast room. She resisted the urge to do a mental sweep, deciding that she'd rather be surprised. "Ha, silly humans. I am not Storm, I am�" the doors that Logan had entered from were kicked open, and Ororo stood, hands on her hips. "�Xena, Warrior Princess. Hiyeyeyeyeye!" she called, doing her best impression of the TV stars famous battle cry as she ran into the room, gaining enough momentum, and enough wind, to flip herself in mid-air, only to land with her sword drawn. "Does anyone dare challenge the Warrior Princess?" She eyed the room warily. Everyone was in too much of a shock to speak. All of Ororo's meticulous shopping had paid off, and she stood before them in the authentic Xena costume that she'd snagged off of E-Bay and picked up from a guy in lower New York the day before. Her breasts had increased in size by a good five inches, and her usually white tresses were now a rich brown. She had even painted an old Frisbee to be her chakraam, and it hung on her belt by her waist. Ororo continued searing the room with her warrior battle gaze, until she saw� "Logan?!? Holy Goddess�I mean, hmmm, your feminine ways intrigue me. Tell me, fair wench, have you ever considered becoming a certain warrior's travel companion?" "So that's why you wanted my sword," was all Logan could think of saying as he openly ogled Storm. If that's what Xena looks like�I should really start watching that show. The music switched to a different song, and soon Xena was engulfed in the crowd laughing and chatting with everyone. Rogue and Jean eventually caught up to her. "Oh, Xena, you look great." "Yeah, I'd nail you in a second for a Lincoln. And I do believe that you have the best costume here tonight." "Don't speak too soon, Rogue," a voice called out from behind them. All three turned around to see the Professor, saran wrap covering his body with several multicolored pieces of�latex pinned to him. The three stood, jaws literally hanging open. The Professor just smiled. "That's right, ladies. I am a condom." THE END |