This is my biography for the Honors Summer Math Camp Summer book.  Unfortunately it was too long to fit in the allotted space.  

    My life began about 25 billion years ago, just before the big bang.  In fact, I was the one who caused the big bang.  As I was the only being in the universe, the next 20 billion years were pretty boring.  In fact, I would say that they were the worst 20 billion years of my life.  By the time all the particles settled into their respective planets, I had been around the universe several times.  It’s a lot like driving through Wisconsin… there was nothing worthwhile to see.

            About 4.5 billion years ago, I noticed a small planet in the remotest possible part of the universe which looked lonely.  I decided to create some “primordial ooze” which I carefully engineered to evolve into human beings, some 4.4 billion years later.  This brings me to modern times.  When the first human started walking, I gave his “wife” a forbidden apple and thus forever plagued the human race with pestilence in the form of the common cold and gonorrhea.

            Shortly after the first humans walked on this planet the Chinese evolved.  I helped them become what they are today, but they betrayed me.  About 50 years before the flourish of the Chinese civilization, I decided to build a huge wall around the country of India.  It was to be called “The Great Wall of India.”  Unfortunately, after I single-handedly built this wall, the Chinese informed me that they had already trademarked the phrase “Great Wall” and so I was forced to tear down my wall.  Over the next thousand years the Chinese built a wall that was only 1/10 of the size of my own.  Since then the relations between India and China have not been the same.

            I realized that the Chinese people were doomed to a life of living like sardines and playing DDR all the time, so I moved onto another civilization: the Egyptians.  I was getting bored, so I decided to play a joke on some people.  I suggested that rather than building a city in an area which could support crops easily, that they should go to a desert because then they would be so much more impressive in the history textbooks.  I also designed all the Pyramids (which I wanted to call Dodecahedrons… unfortunately, the Egyptians outvoted me).  But it’s okay… I cursed them all making any person who was buried in one die.

            I built the city of Atlantis, created democracy in Greece, and killed Homer after he wrote not one, but two terribly long books (emphasis on terrible).  That was probably the high point of my life.  I created English people from the ugliest pond scum that I could find.  They got too big for their britches, tried to take over the world and so I plagued them with the Bubonic Plague.

            Then came the rise of the Western Civilization.  I always like the word West more than East on account of the W.  In 1938, I made a bet with a man over whether he could take over the world and kill over 6 million people.  It ended up as a draw.  I also wrote the Communist Manifesto. I caused the USA and Russia to build up huge arsons of nuclear weapons because I think it will make the next hundred years more entertaining.

One day I found some especially ugly dirt and so I made George W. Bush.  With the leftovers, I made the state of Wisconsin.

Whenever I give talks, people always ask what the future will hold.  Currently I am working on making a Max Warshauer dictator of the world by taking over one math camp at the time.  After that, I just might create another big bang and destroy the universe, just for fun.