No Te Preocupes
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02-2004


28 March Sunday
I caught the most depressing film on Friday at York Square with Jason (yay for Herald editors being able to watch movies for free!). It's called Osama - and it's not about bin Laden, as everyone immediately assumes when I give the title of the film, but the experiences of a girl under the Taliban in Afghanistan. From the premise it's already obvious that this is not going to be a happy story. She lives with her mother and grandmother; the men in the family have been killed in the various wars, but women are not allowed to leave the house unsupervised by men. So she disguises herself as a boy (and is given the name Osama) and finds work and goes to Islamic school. Of course she is found out, and is about to be executed when she is instead given (as livestock would be) in marriage to an aged mullah. What seems to be a reprieve only turns out a prelude to a longer-lasting hell - the man already has a number of wives whom he keeps under literal lock and key, and is described by all of them as being cruel and lecherous and grotesque. The film ends with her wedding night, and the mullah performing the religious ritual of cleansing necessary before sex (i.e. before he rapes her).

Jason wasn't that impressed; but I was very, very struck by some of the scenes and images of that film. The complete and paralysing terror this girl was subject to constantly, and which she had to somehow function within day by day, was very powerfully evoked by her reactions to situations she found herself in and even her silent expressions. Her face just conveyed so much fear and hopelessness - it was damn moving. And, drawing back from the actual story of the film, you think about the impossibility of her - or most other females, for that matter - ever gaining any measure of freedom in such a society, and it all becomes terribly depressing. I had to cheer myself up with bread pudding and steamed milk at Atticus after that.

Of course, the next morning Paa Kwesi and I had a discussion over brunch about the inevitable biases of such a film - how events would be viewed through a Western lens of representation and interpretation - and the issue of cultural relativism. I actually consider myself less of a cultural relativist than I used to be. On the spectrum of absolutism versus relativism I still incline much more towards the latter; but I do believe that there are definitely social behaviours that should be abolished because they cause or perpetuate the oppression of certain minority groups within that society. As Paa Kwesi pointed out, however, what can you deem to be oppression?; and, following on the heels of that, if the group in question doesn't believe that it is being oppressed, can that still be counted as oppression? (A good example of that would be, as we both learnt in our History of Modern Africa class, female genital circumcision (or female genital mutiliation, as activists in the West labelled it) in Kenya - where the practice was outlawed in certain areas in part thanks to pressure from civil rights groups, and large numbers of girls proceeded to begin circumcising themselves (which is really quite icky and painful to contemplate) because they wanted to carry on the tradition.)

I had an interesting conversation with Jess on Friday night, after I came back to the suite from watching Osama. We started talking about Amy's exploits in the world of online personals; I explained how my personal perspective on that issue had become a lot more favourable with time; and eventually I found out that Jon Carlo had gone to her last summer, while Sarah and I had been in Spain, to ask her about me and to basically unload his worries about him and Sarah. So she had known all along about what happened between me and Sarah! Isn't that weird? To think I had asked Marissa to agree to talk to Jon Carlo, because I had been curious to see what he had to say. And now I know, after the whole issue has been long dead and buried.


23 March Tuesday
The second toenail on my left foot turned purple and then grey from my running too much in California (had to work off all that food somehow) and I think it's going to fall off! I was clipping my nails yesterday and I thought I would try and accelerate the falling-off process by poking at it a little. I got really freaked out when blood and pus began spurting out - for the record, this is the first time I've ever used the verb "spurt" in the context of blood/pus and my wounds, and hopefully I'll never have to use it again. How disgusting! I'm fascinated by the way it feels, though - that nail feels qualitatively different from how all my other toenails feel, probably because it has been deadened by now. I wonder how it's going to come off. Watch out for the saga of the toenail.

I booked my New York-London roundtrip ticket (28 May to 30 August) earlier tonight! And went through such ridiculous bureacratic hassles too, being shuffled from one United Airlines phone representative to another (four in all), all because I had to book my ticket from the United Airlines Singapore website and then mess up my credit card information. Sigh. I am an idiot. It was kind of scary when I had to click on the confirmation button which would deduct $476 from my bank account and seal my fate for the summer ... even though I've roughly known for the past month when I'm going to be where this summer, it still feels strange to actually settle it and close all other possible options open to me.

I have the Trumbull Class of '55 fellowship interview tomorrow afternoon. I don't have very high hopes, after the Bates debacle ... but it would be great if I could get it (duh).

Sarah told me that she found a photograph of us in the mountains in Spain from last summer that made her "all misty-eyed". Yeah right. If I remember correctly that was a pretty bad picture of me - damn. I don't think I'm ever going to forget those mountains, though.


22 March Monday
So these are my resolutions for the rest of spring semester (I know, it's only five weeks more):

To write 15,000 words more of my fantasy novel (which I will think of a title for!) so I can give it to Professor Crowley, who has said he will ask his agent to take a look at it. How exciting! Although of course I know better than to get my hopes up - there's a long way to go from having an agent read something to getting published ... but at the same time he has said that it's publishable. Vamos a ver.

To make $500 working at Yale University Press, which averages out to around 11 hours of work per week, so that I'll have money to travel in Europe in August after my British Bulldogs internship ends.

To get As in all my classes (especially since I'm only taking four!).

To get back to my pre-Spring Break healthy state.

It's time to focus!


21 March Sunday
It is 5:38 am and I am sitting in the Chicago O'Hare airport with a Starbucks soy cappucino so I guess now is the time to catch up on journal entries.

It's funny to think that less than twenty-four hours ago I was runing under the warmth and vastness of the Californian morning sky. Music was in the ears (Chinese music, no less), plugged in from my Discman; the sun and wind was in my face; and I remember thinking as I ran along the Stevens Creek trail that if only this were all, if I could keep running forever, it would be enough for me - I would never be lonely or yearn for more.

I've spent the past three days in Mountain View with Konrad - running, eating, reading and sleeping. Pei Yun asked me yesterday morning, when we met (for an Indian buffet brunch, naturally), what else we had done besides eat, and I couldn't think of anything. Mountain View always means catching up on Asian food for me - lots of bubble tea, Korean food, great dim sum in San Francisco, aofrementioned Indian food; and, of course, Coldstone. It may be overrated; but it's still so good. It was nice too to catch up with Konrad. As I told him during the ride to the airport (and I'm really glad I did - I was hesitating over how to, whether to, when to), I've finally - perhaps belatedly - come to appreciate his friendship and what he means to me. Well, you know me, I can be slow about these things.

On the topic of gastronomic adventures, Xiuhui, Paul and I met up again in New York last Monday evening - to eat, basically. Curries and naan at Baluchi's (which is a chain!), a takeaway banana-nutella-dulce de leche crepe from Shade Bar, a peanut butter ice-cream sundae from Peanut Butter & Co. and a finale "dinner" at Nobu, poshest Japanese restaurant in the city. The food there was very good, but I'm not sure if it was worth the pricetag. Still, it was definitely a dining experience. Because of all the ice-cream I had consumed (ice-cream apparently has the same effect on me as alcohol has on others), I got it into my mind that I wanted to ask our Nobu waitress out. Unfortunately I couldn't think up of a decent line - unaided by Xiuhui and Paul, who were tossing ridiculous "You are the most beautiful woman in the world"-type lines at me - until we had left the restaurant and were wandering around trying to locate, respectively, Nobu Next Door and a subway station. So this was what I came up with - feel free to tell me what you think: "Excuse me, I've a couple of questions. Where is Nobu Next Door/the nearest subway station? And ... I was wondering if you would like to go for coffee with me sometime?" Not great, I know, but at least it's not too cheesy (I hope).

I've been pondering the purpose of an online journal recently; which in turn affects how I would like to keep mine in future. Is it identical to a normal journal - which means raw, intimate, truth, no-holds-barred? Or is it specifically a means of keeping in touch with friends I don't regularly see, a way of updating people about my life in lieu of email/phonecalls? An exercise in writing, with the knowledge that I have an audience (however limited - probably five people) raising the stakes and pushing me to continually shape and refine my words? Various combinations of the three? In all cases, oblique references - and, in my situation, pesky initials - have no place; and therefore I think I will no longer escape behind them. I think what Xiuhui said, when the three of us were talking about blogs, makes sense - either talk about it or don't. Now I wonder, though - is it courage to talk about certain things or merely indulgence? The best way I can think of to walk that line is by writing only about what holds some modicum of meaning to me, and being ruthless in excision otherwise.

I really enjoyed the Charlie Kaufman film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (although I was disappointed to learn that the title was not original but a line from an Alexander Pope poem). I liked the prologue and the surprise of the audience (well, my surprise) when it realised how it really fitted into the storyline; how its meaning then changed entirely. I thought the film conveyed the little moments of couplehood very well. I did feel, however, that it should have ended when Joel Barish wakes up, post-memory erasure. The audience knows enough by now to piece together what will happen, and I think it's sweeter that way.

On a semi-related note (creative endeavours? I know, I'm stretching), I've come to certain realisations about my fantasy novel. Let me write them down so I don't forget. Chapter 3: Establish that the House of Blue Flowers is a mental asylum and Yuria is perceived as mad (why? and is she, in reality?) and is drugged; that Erana told Riana she was cursed for removing the veil of one of the Touched; Yuria gives Riana a very precious jade amulet from her grandmother which has great powers (what?); Yuria has a dream that foreshadows events (what?). Chapter 4: All the people Riana go to for help to save Eldaran - Kalden (Blackfoot weapons dealer), Brane (Eldaran's drinking friend, grisgame opponent) - have been murdered; chapter ends with Yav saying, "I thought I would never find you." General ideas: Yav is an ambigious character (could he have killed Kalden/Brane?); the House of Blue Flowers is burnt down but Yuria may have escaped - Riana does not know; the dreamrose gangs are operating under the control of the Council; Riana wins leadership of one of the gangs through an oristo game and eventually unites them all.


12 March Friday
Noah, Shan Shan and John's joint birthday celebration last Friday night proved quite interesting for me. For one, I ate enough Ashley's ice-cream cake (coffee Oreo and mint chip) and regular chocolate cake to explode. I'm not kidding - those who have seen me at lunch buffets can attest to my staying power, especially when it comes to foods which are my weakness (such as Ashley's ice-cream). I'm somewhat ashamed to say that that was the original reason why I stopped by with Jason, thus making us late for Monsieur Ibrahim which was showing at York Square - the allure of cake. And after the movie, on the way back to my suite, I stopped by again to see if there was any cake left. There was - and in the spirit of self-sacrifice, to prevent it from melting, I finished it all off.

So much for cake. For another, I actually had a decent conversation with Anjan (as I stuffed myself with cake and he laughed at my gluttony) about, among other things, that summer after freshman year when Jen and I become so irrevocably estranged from him - to the point where I actively avoided him or brushed him off all of sophomore year; and Jen still doesn't interact with him at all. I finally got to tell him about my frustrations and had the closure of hearing him engage with these issues. After that we talked about dirty Latin poetry and then I decided I wanted to venture into the suite at the other side of the hallway where the dance party was being held.

Which brings me to the third newsworthy event of the night - as a result of that, I somehow ended up spending the night with R (whom I had not seen since the doing-homework-together incident last month!). Alright, I have to confess that I went back to the dance party with a gut feeling that something of the sort might occur if I played my cards right - that is to say, I wasn't an innocent caught off-guard, despite my pre-existing resolution to stop randomly hooking up. My gut instinct tells me that it would be best to leave it as it is. Balanced against that is the omnipresent longing for someone you can call yours to some extent (as I was expounding to Chad in Ivy Noodle last night), combined with the fact that I think I've passed through my asexual phase. I do know better than to give in to either loneliness or lust, though; also, she's clearly a dangerous person to become emotionally attached to. And as long as there's N around ... :)


11 March Thursday
Spring break so far: The gym in the mornings; Yale University Press in the afternoons; cafes or libraries or common rooms (both familiar and foreign) into the nights. Discovering Y the Last Man (thanks to Chad - very cool comic series about the last guy left on the planet after a mysterious plague wipes out all other Y chromosome holders); rediscovering Third Eye Blind (I have all their albums - their eponymous first one, Blue, Out of the Vein; and they're playing at Yale for Spring Fling!; listening to them makes me feel all angsty and adolescent again); stuffing myself silly at ethnic lunch buffets; lapsing (only once, though) in good intentions. Writing (starting the third chapter of my as-yet-untitled fantasy novel now, where Riana runs away from the Black Brothers and finds herself at the House of the Blue Flowers), reading (Graham Greene's The Power and the Glory), working (finished the revision of my Spanish paper and outlined my History of Brazil paper which has suffered a topic transformation from capoeira to affirmative action; in the midst of compiling primary sources for my America's Civil Rights Movements paper about the multiple marginalisation of the black gay community during the first years of the AIDS epidemic), thinking (but not too much).

This existence is solitary - very much so, despite my interactions with people in all situations, from meeting people for lunches and movies to studying with Paa Kwesi in Koffee Too? to talking to Tim and Kappkema at the workplace - regulated, fulfilling. I definitely enjoy it, even if I feel a little lonely at times (but then, don't I always?).

J is supposed to visit this Friday through to Saturday (I'll believe it only when I actually see it); on Monday I'm going down to New York to eat Japanese food with Xiuhui and Paul; on Wednesday I leave for the Bay Area to visit Konrad and, by extension, Pei Yun. I'll return on Sunday, and classes start the next day!

I need to stop associating with these polyamorous bisexual people who are already in relationships.


5 March Friday
I've actually managed to finish my historiography paper earlier than I had anticipated! Even though I went for the Cabaret with Ted earlier tonight (The Lover, Harold Pinter - it was alright but I preferred Betrayal)! This is amazing! It took a lot of Total and soymilk, carrot orange apple juice and vegetarian sushi, though. Not to mention the chocolate pecan upside-down cake with swamp ice-cream that I had again at the Cabaret (and, as is always the case, it's never as good the second time round).

It must be my bias, but without Evolutionary Biology all my classes have become so smooth-sailing. I got 97% for my History of Brazil midterm, and I didn't even study that hard; I think I wrote a pretty damn impressive historiography paper, although of course I could be wrong; I got back the first draft of my Spanish paper (on the struggle for Mexico's political future) and the professor thought the content was impressive, although of course I've to work on my multiple grammatical errors. I might even be able to make all As this semester!


1 March Monday
As I was telling John earlier tonight, while we stood around in the TKD room waiting for the instructors who never came (after half an hour I went to the gym instead, then went running with Jason), I feel kind of ungrounded right now. All kinds of things are bothering me - some of them are decisions I have to make at some point, others are situations spinning beyond my control. They leave me feeling restless, nervous, distracted, unhappy. Grr - I hate uncertainty.

John is such a nice guy. Why is it always so easy to find these kind of guys? I have my suspicions about how he might regard me - and not that it matters, I suppose, beyond it being an ego-boost. I do like talking to him, whatever the case - there is just something very comfortable and sensible and cheerful about him.

Anyway, I have managed to come to two conclusions about my life tonight - and for a change, nothing food- nor girl-related. First, I'm going to drop Evolutionary Biology. I did pretty badly in the midterm (75%, probably around a C+), something which was entirely my fault, and I don't want it to affect my GPA. I've been pondering this for the past week, and have talked to so many people who've given me so much conflicting advice - Konrad, Charlin, Erica, Jason, Ted, John and more. The turning point came in section today when the TA handed out the extremely tedious problem set and I looked at it and said to myself, Right, I'm dropping the class. Second, related to the first, I'm going to take the LSAT this June. I've been going back and forth about whether I want to go to grad school or law school, and I've tentatively decided on law school because it's more prestigious, will give me better job opportunities and takes up a shorter time period. Also, the LSAT is harder than the GRE and can only be taken at specific times during the year. If I change my mind about law school, I can always take the GRE next year. These two conclusions reinforce each other because I will have a greater need to protect my GPA if I'm applying to law school, and I can use the free time I will gain from dropping the class to study for the LSAT.