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| Wow, I just got back from Vermont and boy are my arms tired from flying. But seriously I did the trip in a car. For those of you who haven't been to Vermont I will fill you in on some of the features of that state in the form of a list. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Mountains: In Vermont, mountains account for roughly a large amount of the land area above sea level. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Vermont features the following: | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| It is also worth noting that I made a side trip to Lebanon, New Hampshire. If a Vermonter asks you how to get Lebanon, tell him or her to "Take a right at Turkey." If he or she isn't up on his or her Mediterranean geography and fails to "get" this wildly funny locally flavored zinger, explain that you were jokingly making a reference to the small middle-eastern nation of Lebanon. At that point the ball is in his or her court and you needn't do anything except wait deservingly for the free complimentary laugh that he or she will invariably let out to chase away the crushingly awkward silence you have created. Note: This joke can be confusing around the Thanksgiving holiday season, because this is the time of year when jokes about the bird Turkey are suddenly en vogue for several weeks. In this case just snarl "What am I? A Fucking Map?!" For more information on this subject please visit: www.whattodoifsomeoneasksyouhowtogettolebanonnewhampsire.com |
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| Cows: Vermonters must love cows, otherwise they wouldn't just let them stand around in their fields like that. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Flying Cars: This is completely untrue. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| And for those of you who claim to not watch television, you probably missed The State of New Hampshire's makeover on the hit new TV show "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy." New Hampshire has been struggling for years to ditch its reputation as a stodgy old New England outpost, and jump into the mix to finally have some fun. Here are some of highlights of what those crazy homos did to get New Hampshire all spruced up, presented again in list form. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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New Hampshire's proudest boast and largest tourist attraction, "The Old Man in the Mountain" was deemed "lame" by the show's design expert Thom, who faced the camera and stuck his index finger in his throat in a mock vomiting gesture as an oblivious New Hamshire proudly showed off the nation's most well known natural rock formation. Thom saw this needed to go, and go it did, as he arranged for the eons-old formation to be sent tumbling into valley, below. What remained was this sleek, stylish and all too modern black granite cliff face. At first New Hampshire was bashful about it's new look, "I can't believe its gone, this is like totally wierd not having it there, but I guess it was kinda old and dumb." | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| "Okay, I'm not trying to be mean but those forrests are totally gross and they have to go!" declared the Queer Eye's grooming guru, Kyan. "God only know's what kind of wildlife is lurking in there." snarked Kyan as he oversaw the clearcutting of New Hampshire's 120,000 acres of pristine forrest. The entire state park and nature reserve system was then coated to a depth of 10 inches in BedHead Control Freak Syrum styling gel. All state government buildings were treated to a healthy coat of exfoliating Kiss My Face Aromatherapuetic Alphahydroxy Creme. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Early in the show the Fab Five boys decided that the state's name just wasn't working for it. "Oh my god this state is like 300 years old, whats with this having the word 'New' in it's name? Why don't they just make their state motto 'The Midlife Crisis State?' Jesus..." asked an exasperated Jai. Upon counseling New Hampshire about its name, they tossed around ideas about what the state's image needed. Here Jai explains the thought process that led to the state's name change. "Well, it was decided early on that that the word 'New' had to go. The state's name would have to be something fun and a little ironic maybe. Something that showed that the state wasn't afraid to let loose and take itself a little less seriously than in past years. That's why we decided to drop the 'New' and replace it with the more sassy and daring 'Nu' with those little German dots over the 'u.' | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Soon after this, the show's fashion savant Carson got to work on picking out some stylish new threads for the state. Carson explained the new fashion direction he decided to take the state towards: "Now the state's called 'Nu Hampshire' it got me thinking about how Motley Crue had those little umlauts over the 'u' in their name and boom! that was it, I totally knew that 80's-Sunset-Strip-heavy-metal-chic was the perfect fun and ironic look to go along with the state's new name." Later in the show Carson led New Hampshire through an overhaul of its entire wardrobe. "You have to get all these old clothes out of the closet!" Carson chided. "These bright orange hunting vests are an affront to humanity!" he gasped. Although the state's residents have a penchant for muted brown courdoroy pants, flannel shirts, and bulky coats that stem as much from it conservative New England traditions as it does from its chilly northern climate, Carson saw this as no reason for the state's residents to keep holding back. At Carson's behest governor Craig Benson issued an executive order madating a statewide dresscode which he signed into law immediately. All residents were issued snakeskin boots, skintight leather pants, a sleeveless contour hugging Hanoi Rocks t-shirt, aviator shades and a cowboy hat. Town halls statewide were set up as makeshift state uniform distribution centers. Across the state, the crowds that resulted from compulsory uniform pick ups developed into spirited protests and later turned bloody after police in Hanover, Plymouth and Concord repeatedly opened fire on some of the frumpier protesters. Meanwhile the show's producers were busy deep into the night trying to supress several state militias that were putting up fierce resistance in the state's far northern woods. "Making dreams come true is never easy." noted Carson. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Above: Kyan, Ted, Carson, Jai and Thorn lead New Hampshire's first Gay Pride Parade. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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