Hello, Darlins! It's your old friend, Myrtle, here to dish out advice, on just about anything that ails you!
A sweet, young darlin' writes...
Dear Myrtle,
I need your help! I'm just a simple virgin, from out of town, & I just can't make up my mind- Should I let my first be my boyfriend (who cheated on me, with this really trampy sleaze- but, we made up!) or, should I give in to this other guy, who's really cute, & nice, but comes from a rich, snobby family. Oh, Myrtle, I'm so confused! What would you advise?
Signed, Horny From The Holler
Dear Horny,
Well, it's as plain as the nose on your face, darlin'! Back in my Carny days, we had a simple solution for such a dilemma- and I'll tell you what it is- Go for the one with the nicest ass, honey! You won't be sorry!
Love, Myrtle
A lovely young Mother writes...
Dear Myrtle,
I have a rather unique problem, so I'm not sure if you can help me- but, I hope & pray that you can! I recently found out that my baby's father was not who I thought it was! Don't get the wrong idea- I'm no bimbo! You see, I was artificially inseminated, and, without my knowledge, my ex-husband bought the fertility clinic, & switched his sperm sample, for the sample of the intended donor! Needless to say, this has caused a lot of problems. What should I do?
Signed, Worried Mother
Dear Worried,
Darlin', you lost me somewhere around your 4th or 5th sentence! In my day, a gal like you ended up at the Fannie Battle Home! Granted, my daughter might have been a stranger to me for 50 years, but, we didn't have such problems, in my day! Hope everything turns out OK, darlin'!
Love, Myrtle
A nice, but somewhat dim young fellow writes...
Deer Murtle,
I dont rite so good, so, pleez bare with me. I have a problum. Evin tho I am not dum, I aint got a good edjacation. I got problums wit math, spelin, ritin, all of it. Its so bad, i cant handel all 3 of my jobs- one of whitch is werkin for a very well nowm elecktronicks cumpenny, the uther is prodoosing a tv show. My gurlfrend is helpin me, but I rilly want to sleep with her, so get distracktid, and cant lurn rite. Wut shood I do? My stepfathur will kill me, if he finds out I'm ilitterit! Ownly my bruther suspecks that I have this problum.
Sinned, Seecrit Ilitterit
Dear ???,
Darlin', I had to get out my bifocals, & re-read your letter three times! You certainly do have a problem, don't you? I suggest that you keep your shirt on- literally- and pay attention to that tutor of yours, unless you want to end up working as a soap opera writer!
Love, Myrtle
Another young mother writes...
Dear Myrtle,
I have no one else to turn to, at the moment, so I'm writing to you, in the hopes that maybe you can help me. I am at my wit's end! My husband's ex-wife has the rather annoying habit of expecting me to raise her son. You see, at first, I didn't mind- have a boy around the same age, and I figured that they could play together. Well, that was about a year ago, & last I heard, she's gone off to China- without as much as a phone call, Thank You! Really, I do like kids, but, why is it that I have to be everybody's babysitter? My husband was recently incarcerated, as was my ex-husband, so, now I also have to explain to the boys about both of their fathers being in jail. Did I mention, last year, I was deathly ill, and had a miscarriage? No one seems to care- I'm just the resident babysitter! My husband seems more obsessed with my ex, than he is with me! My ex-husband is now married to a woman who my current husband had an affair with. She also has a young child, and from the looks of things, she'll be cracking any day- & who do you think will have to take care of that kid? ME, that's who! I just want a life! Is that so much to ask for?
Signed, Miss My Chicken Man
Dear Miss,
You poor thing! If I were you, I'd drop the whole lot of the rugrats off at some Welfare-To-Work day care center, and head on over to the Glamarama, for some MUCH needed R&R! I'm sending you a coupon, good for one free massage from Sven, honey! And, while you're there, ask Opal to give you a shot or two, from that bottle of Tanqueray that she keeps behind the manicure table! Tell her Ol Myrt sent you! Hope you take my advice!
Love, Myrtle