Amazing

Born

Thoughts

THOUGHTS

by Doyle Duke

Bible Stories for Dummies

Although I denounced Christianity over fifteen years ago some of my family and friends still have trouble with my atheistic stance. Like most Christians, or god believers, their greatest hurdle to understanding is the very thing that makes them strong Christians—their total belief in the Bible.

I used the term "god believers" for a specific reason; to include a large majority of people in the Christian world who have been reared to accept the existence of a divine being, but have never made the total commitment required of a true Christian. Those persons who make no profession of faith, but, if asked, will reply that yes, they suppose there is a God; people who have never been inclined to pursue the question. And more likely, if asked whether they believe the Bible or not, they will answer in the affirmative.

One can’t help but admire the Christian’s unwavering faith. However the sad reality that accompanies that faith is their total disregard for logic. The foundation of their values is the Bible and the proof of that Bible is the word of the Church. For the Christian, the Bible is the basis of all truths whether the subject concerns religion, ethics, philosophy, science, history, physics, personal hygiene or any imaginable subject. It is the final authority to settle every dispute. But notice the illogical deduction. Since the validity of the Bible is based upon the word of the Church (How else do we know the Bible is true?) then the final authority isn’t the Bible, but man.

At one time my daughter and I were discussing the afterlife. Does the spirit exist after death? Could those ghost tales so commonly told be wandering spirits, etc. Her eldest daughter, age sixteen at that time and a professing Christian, left the room and returned a moment later with a Bible to settle the issue. Whether she was going to prove or disprove the subject of ghosts I’m not sure, because the Bible can be used to ‘prove’ either point. For my granddaughter the answer was simple and clear-cut, the Bible said thus and so, therefore the ‘truth’ was established. Like most devout Christians, she could totally disregard the nonsensical and illogical tales of virgin births and resurrections from the dead; simply ignore all the contradictions and the indisputable evidence of human corruption and believe the Bible completely and without question. Why? How? Because it is absolutely impossible to logically interpret the Bible as the clergy presents it. Most believers simply accept what they are told as truth; to do so is much easier than trying to reach a logical understanding. Generally speaking, one does not become a Christian because he or she has come to an understanding of the Bible. That person does so because he or she believes the story of Jesus dying for their sins. Very few ever come to the true knowledge of the Bible and the fallacies which that religion teaches.

As I explained to my granddaughter that the Bible could only be used as proof to someone who accepted it as the final authority her younger sister, Emily, wandered into the room.

“Oh, yes!” my daughter exclaimed, “Emily brought up a good question the other day. She wanted to know how eight people could feed and care for two of every kind of animal on the ark. We’ve got three dogs and there are three of us and we still have trouble caring for them.”

The statement opened the door to a round of questions. How did they store enough food to feed themselves and all the different creatures for over a year? And what of water? Since the oceans rose to cover all the earth the water had to be salty and undrinkable, meaning they had to carry a year’s supply of water—not only for themselves, but also for all the creatures. How were all the ethnic groups preserved? Even if Noah’s sons took wives of different races their children could not have been the progenitors of today’s races because it would have been necessary for them to interbreed, and therefore, eventually evolve into one race—and what of diseases? Those eight people had to carry every disease known to man within their DNA.

Even as we pondered the questions I marveled at how my girls could become so involved in clarifying a story such as Noah and the flood without questioning such ridiculous and impossible tales as the dead rising and walking about town; the magical transformation of water into wine; the ability of a man to walk upon water; and most amazing, a virgin conceiving and giving birth to a god.

But the Bible is filled with stories just as outrageous and ridiculous as those silly tales found in children’s books. They may be compared to the tales parents use to entertain their children; the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and, of course, Ole Saint Nick. Stories the kids really believe, right! Have you ever wondered at the difference between those children's tales and Bible stories? Let’s face it; both children and Christians are equally gullible in their readiness to believe. And many of those children stories are rooted in Christian doctrines, you know--St. Nick and Xmas angels. So, what’s the difference? Kids question as they grow and learn, and at some point it becomes impossible to believe in Santa Claus and the Easter bunny. Christians, on the other hand, have a magic wand that creates miracles and brings the impossible to reality—faith.

Let’s take a real critical, and satirical, look at some of those ‘true’ Bible stories. As we do so, if you’re a Christian, perhaps you can remember when you were young and recall the adrenaline rush that surged through your body as you ran about the yard in your new Easter outfit searching for that prize bunny egg. Or the joy and excitement of jumping out of bed on Christmas morning. No doubt you can also recall the shock and disappointment when your older cousin told you the truth about Santa Claus—a truly sad and devastating event. You were probably hurt and angry at your parents, just a little—right? But you grew up, and now, looking back, it’s a bit comical—right? Christians, it's time to do a little more growing.

The Creation Story

In the beginning God… there’s really no other way to begin this story, but I’ll try. Somewhere, at sometime long, long ago man, ignorant, superstitious, weak, frightened man, looked about himself and, by way of explaining his ignorance and bolstering his courage, declared—God. Thus we have the intellect behind the greatest woe to ever befall the human race—religion. Here I could argue the logic behind such a baseless assumption, but to do so would negate the purpose behind this work. After all, Bible stories have to have a God, don’t they? Instead we’ll just disregard the argument; maybe we can get a glimpse of this God as we read His stories.

In the beginning, God (see, you can’t get away from it) created heaven and earth. Pretty cut and dried, no details like, where did He get the earth and water. Seems He just said it and it was done. One thing does bug me. First thing we’re told is that the earth was without form and void, and “darkness was upon the face of the deep”. Seems God made a big deal about making the light, so I presume He was sitting—no, He doesn’t sit or stand does He? Well, He was doing whatever He did, floating or just permeating the dark—nothing. Which begs answer to the question: What was he doing before he created the earth? Think about it! He’s eternal, without beginning, how many millions of billions of eons had He been sitting on His—oops, forgot, He don’t sit. Anyway, can’t say He got a lot done, can you? And people find this idea easier to accept than evolution or the big bang theory!

Here’s one you’ve probably already heard. Did you notice that He made the light before the lamp? Light came into existence four days before the sun and moon were created; which indicates He had no knowledge of the planetary movements. He identified the moon as a lesser light, showing He didn’t know that it only reflected the sun’s light. Vegetation sprang into existence before the sun. He made man in his own image yet He is described as a spirit, without form. And God confirms Darwin’s theory of evolution! Look at Genesis 1:20, the sea brought forth moving creatures, “and fowl”. Verse 21 continues, introducing creatures in the water with no break. Earthly creatures aren’t mentioned until the next workday. Therefore, the Bible proves birds evolved from sea creatures!

Not really much else of interest until we come to the story of Adam and Eve. Did God really make man from the dust of the earth? Was Eve the product of Adam’s rib? Is the story to be interpreted literally, or was the author speaking in allegories (a description of one thing used to represent another)? If the latter is true then, of course, none of the ‘facts’ of creation are real—no seven days, no dividing the waters, making lights, no Adam and Eve. In fact, without Adam’s original sin Christianity has no basis for its doctrine of Jesus’ redeeming death. It’s all a pipe dream. So, in order for Christianity to maintain a reason for being the story has to be interpreted literally. Therefore, God actually did the dirt and breathe bit, He formed a man from the earth and breathed life into him. Then from man, Adam, He removed a rib and made woman, Eve.

Until early in the sixteenth century it was a generally accepted view of the Church that man was short one rib. (Ah! The genius of those early Church fathers!) Then a Belgium physician and astronomer, Andreas Vesalius, discovered both had the same number and disproved the theory.  But for arguments sake, let’s assume that the creation of Adam and Eve happened as stated. Think of the questions such an occurrence would entail. We are told they didn’t know right from wrong, good from bad (Gen 2:16&17). In the same passage they were told not to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil or they would die. Hey! Would that be bad—or wrong? As a matter of fact what’s good, bad, right or wrong? And under which category did dying fall? They obviously could not have known otherwise they would have already possessed the knowledge. Now, tell me, how old is a child when he learns what is morally right? And at what age should they be held accountable for their actions? So, in effect, we have two children, unable to discern right from wrong, placed on trial by an omniscient God, an omniscient God who, knowing all things, knows they will eat the apple. When I was a kid, a little kid, my Dad use to stick his finger in a light socket and tell me to pull a finger on his other hand; reminds me a lot of Yahweh (the Jews’ name for God). Do you really want a god like that?

But enter the serpent that lied to the young couple and told them they wouldn’t die, that they would become smart like God. (Where was God, the parent of these ‘children’? Who was watching after them?) How many of you parents lie to your kids—little fibs like the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus? Boy! They gobble it up don’t they? I mean; it’s easy to fool a kid, right? How hard do you think it was for the serpent to deceive the newly created couple? They didn’t know right from wrong; they most certainly didn’t know what a lie was! After my Dad ran off I had a stepfather. He used to say: “You don’t have to think! You just do as I say!” Basically what God was saying to Adam and Eve. I didn’t like my stepfather much either.

So, as the story goes, the woman ate and gave to the man. And what was the first evil they beheld—their filthy, wicked, sinful bodies. But wait! Obviously they’d never had sex at that point, so how did they know nakedness, or sex, were evil? For that matter, was their sin copulation—or just seeing each other’s nakedness? Remember, they were made in the image of God. How did they know they were evil and not good? In all seriousness and at the risk of appearing dumb, I have to admit I can’t tell! I’ve been aware of the knowledge of good and evil for close to sixty years and I still have to admit I find women “good”.

Be that as it may, when God found out His ‘children’ had disobeyed, note what happened. The man blamed the woman and the woman blamed the serpent. As punishment the man had to go to work; the woman had to bear children in pain and was made subservient to the man, and the serpent was forced to crawl in the dust of the earth. Notice how this enforces the established mid-eastern roles for wives and keeps them under bondage to their fathers and husbands. And the serpent! We really need to make some distinctions here. First, the passage is obviously talking about the snake we’re familiar with, the one that crawls on the ground and bites man’s lower extremities. Notice that there’s no inference that the serpent and the Devil are the same. That assumption was derived much later. If they were the same and God’s judgment was literal, then today Satan, or the Devil, would be embodied within every snake. Do you really think snakes are satanically evil? As an after thought, if the snake wasn’t really Satan, the fallen angel, how did he get smarter than Adam and Eve? To wit, there’s no indication any of the other creatures could talk or reason.

In the end, God was afraid they’d eat of the Tree of Life and He’d be stuck with them forever (you know how parents are about getting the kids out of the nest) so He took away their fig leafs and gave them animal skins, then ran them from the garden. Here’s an interesting point, He sat up Cherubims, or angels, and a flaming sword to guard the entrance to the Garden. Why do you reckon He did that? Men have stomped back and forth all over that area for, what, six thousand years, and haven’t seen a Garden of Eden. I mean, if He hid it that well, why place guards? But all in all, it probably worked out okay. In the end, Adam no longer had to wander through the Garden in the cool of the day listening to God complain about the heat and how much time Adam was devoting to Eve. And of course he and Eve figured since they’d already paid the price for that evil knowledge, they might as well take advantage of it. It wasn’t long before they had two boys, Cain and Abel.

Cain and Abel

We’re told Adam was to till the earth, so apparently he became a farmer. Cain, being the older, followed in his ole man’s footsteps and inherited the home place. When Abel came along he saw right quick that God liked mutton, so he became a shepherd and quickly cornered the market on sheep, so to speak. Let’s face it: there's never been a more open market—of course there’s never been fewer customers either. At least he had enough to appease his blood thirsty God on the appropriate occasions. But poor Cain, sweating and toiling in that cursed ground day after day had to labor while his brother stood around watching his dogs hustle those sheep first this way, then that, so he could count all that profit on the hoof. That was infuriating to Cain, but what was more galling was being forced to purchase a sacrificial lamb from his wealthy little brother every time God wanted an offering.

It finally reached a climax the day Cain went to Abel for a lamb and Abel had doubled his prices—something about an atonement tax. No way could Cain afford that, so he convinced himself that his veggies were just as good as a lamb. He grew lentils, cucumbers, melons, onions, leeks, garlic, golden corn—no, no that wasn’t around then. God made that exclusively for the Native Americans—some kind off trade off for the date tree I think. And did they have tomatoes? Anyway, there was wheat and barley, some of those dates. In any case, Cain was real proud of himself, he’d had a good year and thought God would be pleased with all his effort and agricultural skills. Apparently his Daddy never told him that God was a vampire and only drank blood. Of course, as you know, God didn’t “respect” the veggies, all He wanted was blood. The whole affair nearly broke poor Cain’s heart. He’d worked so hard! Only to be turned down for a charbroiled lamb chop. His “countenance” fell and God, seeing it asked, “Why are you mad and why has your countenance fallen.” Cain was trying real hard to keep a stiff upper lip. God continued: “If you’d done what I told you I would have accepted your gift. Now you better be careful, the Devil’s going to get you.” (Yeah, I know I’m ad-libbing; but so did everyone else.)

Cain went away in a fury and later, when he met Abel in the field, he killed him. Just think of that, the first murder! Of course God missed Abel and came looking for Cain.

“Where’s your Brother?” God asked.

“How am I supposed to know? I’m I his keeper?” Cain replied. But God has this thing for blood, remember?

“What have you done? I can hear your Brother’s blood crying out to me from the ground.”

And then He lowered that curse on the earth again. Poor Cain had been having enough trouble just scratching out a living under his Daddy’s curse. Man, farming was out! But that wasn’t all, God was on a roll, He also made Cain a fugitive and a vagabond and ordered him out of His presence.

Cain cried, “This is more than I can stand! If you send me away everyone will want to kill me!”

So, God put a mark on Cain and a curse on anyone who would dare kill him. Some use to say God made Cain black and that all the blacks are his descendents. Me, I just can’t buy that.

Again, maybe it was all for the best, because Cain found a wife. Where did he get a wife when the only other woman was his mother? Where do you think he’d get one? If God only made two people and said multiply, He certainly wasn’t speaking of higher education. And doesn’t the Bible teach that Adam and Eve were the parents of all? According to Biblical records there were only three persons on the earth after Abel’s demise; Cain, his Father, and his Mother. So, that makes us all one big incestuous tribe, right? White, black, oriental and every hue in between, we’re all brothers and sisters. Then tell me. According to the Bible, mankind has only been on the earth for six thousand years, and all these different races were in evidence after only a couple thousand biblical years. Since that time, during the past four thousand years, why haven’t we seen the introduction of new races instead of the merging of the old ones? And what of the implied multitude that would strive to kill Cain? Who were those people?

There is an alternative explanation to all this, and it is so very simple. In case you haven’t noticed, God never says He is the only god.  He said: “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” And by this commandment makes concessions for other gods. If there were no other gods, at least in Yahweh’s mind, why would He be so concerned? Why would He be jealous and, centuries later, command the Israelites to destroy all the people in the lands He would give them? Could it be possible that Bel, Astaroth, Isis, Vishnu, Zeus or one of a thousand other gods, was also a creator god? Maybe all those gods started a fad and began making humans. Why not, that’s what all the different religions teach. Buddha made Orientals, Vishnu made the Indians, and so forth. But those gods were only superstitious fables, not real like the Bible, right? Yeah, right.

Let’s skip on about 1500 years (according to the genealogy of Adams descendents). We’re told that the “sons of God” took a liking to the daughters of man and began taking them for wives. Again we run into that question of mystery people. I’ve heard a number of explanations but never a satisfactory answer. Who were these “sons of God”? Couldn’t be angels because we’re told they are asexual, so they could not have produced children, which these “sons of God” were able to do. Now, I had a pastor who explained that they were the sons of righteous men and the “daughters of men” were daughters of the wicked. That doesn’t hold up because we’re told the off-spring of these sons of God were giants and mighty men which indicates there was something special, something, perhaps supernatural about them. Something made them different from mere mortal men. Could it be that God made other men, men who didn’t eat of the tree of knowledge, and He called those men, “sons of God"? If so, and God had more than one son, then the “only begotten” bit is a falsehood. And wouldn't that pretty much shoot down the theory of all men inheriting the original sin of Adam? The same would be true if they were created by other gods.  Do you see where we’re going here? Each new statement creates new contradictions. It’s all mythology—folktales created by superstitious, ignorant, illiterate, primitive men—but its one heck of a tale!

The Flood and Noah’s Ark

Now we come to the flood. Here we’re going to see just how vacillating, indecisive, cruel, blood thirsty and ignorant this all-powerful, all-knowing, all-benevolent and all-wise God really is. Here we find God second guessing his decision to make man because they had become wicked. Let’s not forget for a moment that an all-knowing God would have known the results of any action He might have initiated. In other words He knew all that was happening would occur, it would have all been in His divine plan. Notice, even though it was man alone who sinned, God took his spite out on the earth and everything He had created on the earth. So what we’re seeing here is a spoiled kid destroying his own toys in a fit of anger.

Here is where we come back to the ark and flood tale, with which, unfortunately, almost every child is familiar. But to set the stage: God became so disgusted with His wicked creation that He decided to destroy it. Therefore, He commanded Noah to build an ark, approximately 450’ long, 75’ wide and 45’ high, to save himself, his wife, three sons, and their wives—and a pair of all living creatures. (We’ll disregard the seven each of the “clean” species.) As mentioned earlier he was to carry enough food and water for all. Here is a tale not only illogical but ridiculous. Illogical because there was no reason for an all-powerful creator god to go to such extremes when all He would have had to do was zap the wicked. Stop and think about it. You’re watching your child play and one of his toys breaks. In a rage he starts throwing toys, kicking the pets, shoving his sister, knocking over lamps and crying in fury. As he rolls about the floor, kicking his heels, how do you, as a parent, feel? How do you react? Would it be appropriate to smile and praise his love of perfection? 

The story is also illogical because there are approximately 1.4 million species on earth that have been named, and researchers estimate the true number may be between 5 and 30 million. If the name of each recorded species was placed on a recipe card, the box containing them would stretch for over 6 miles. That would be 12 miles since the ark carried two of each creature. So, unless you’re willing to accept the theory of evolution, there had to have been at least 2.8 million species aboard the ark. Oh! And let’s not forget all the dinosaurs! The Bible did say every creature, right? Some of those critters were BIG! The largest, the Apatosaurus, or Brontosaurus, could get up to 90 ft. long and weigh 39 tons! How many of those do you think Noah could have gotten on a 450’ boat? But creatures weren’t the only thing onboard. Since the ark’s voyage lasted for over a year they had to have included a year’s supply of food for each. They also had to carry a year’s supply of water because 97% of the earth’s water is salty and if the earth were inundated with water it would obviously be salty. Another thought, God “shut” them in the ark and wouldn’t let Noah open a hatch—what did they do with all the animal crap? Man! Can you imagine shoveling urine soaked dinosaur poop? Perhaps this is a clue to the survival of all the viruses, bacteria, and diseases.

It is also illogical because 78% of the earth’s surface is water, and we know the earth’s core is molten lava—there simply isn’t enough water to cover the earth. You cannot fill a gallon container with only three quarts of water! But, you say: “God made more water (He is a creator god, right?) then made it disappear." But why go to all that trouble, why not just take the breath from the wicked, stop their heart or, if He really wanted to be vindictive, give them cancer?

It’s illogical because no arrangements were made for the destruction of vegetation, vegetation that would be needed to sustain the survivors immediately upon their exiting the ark. Allegedly, the earth was under water (salt water) for five months, all plants and trees, bushes and shrubs would have died or been washed away. And we won't even consider the fact that all the soil would have been salt contaminated and unproductive for years. Fields would have disappeared; in fact the face of the entire globe would have changed. It’s highly unlikely that any of the ark’s inhabitants would have survived until the earth became fruitful once again.

God Calls Abram

 Now the Lord had said unto Abram, “Get thee out of thy country and from thy kindred and from thy father’s house unto a land that I will shew thee. And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee and make thy name great: and thou shalt be a blessing. And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.”

You know this ruse is still big with the televangelists today. “God told me…” Isn’t it amazing how that simple statement can milk money from the elderly, reduce a sinner to a quivering mass, or start a new religion? How do we know God spoke to Abram? Well, if you believe in gods it can get very confusing. On the other hand, if you don’t believe in gods it’s as clear as HDTV. Abram wanted to see what was on the other side of the sand dune and wanted his nephew Lot to go with him. Why? Who knows? Maybe his elder brother inherited the estate; all the sheep, camels, watering holes and his father’s wives. Maybe Abram wanted to start his own harem. Maybe he was in trouble with the sheik next door. But I suspect old Abram (he was seventy years old) and God were working up a flim-flam racket.

After he journeyed into Canaan, the land of promise, there was a famine that forced them to go into Egypt. A drought stricken promise land? Yes, indeed! When the CIA Factbook lists sand and clay as some of Palestine’s main resources, you gotta know anyone who would refer to it as a promised land has absolutely no knowledge of the rest of the world. And what does that say about the intellect of an omnipotent god? Oh, Well! Coming from a long line of cursed landholders, it probably looked good to Abram. On the way to Egypt he said to Sarai, his wife: “I’ve been thinking, Sarai. You’re a good looking woman, and when we get down there, one of those Egyptians might take a hankering for you and cut my throat. So, if anyone asks, just tell them you’re my sister, that way everything will go okay with me.”

There’s a lot of implications involved in this scheme. First: we know Sarai was ten years younger than Abram who was seventy; so, at sixty, she was either one extraordinary beauty or the Egyptians liked them older. Secondly: we need to assess Abram’s sense of values. His first thought is taking care of number one. Obviously his wife was expendable. Understand, at that time and in that country, acquiring a ‘wife’ was more barter than romance, and ‘marriage’ was termed “taking her to wife". Meaning a nomad carried her into his tent, while a rich man added her to his harem. There was also a tradition in which the less powerful tribal leader would ‘lend’ a daughter or wife to a more powerful chieftain to curry his favor. So, that someone took a liking to Sarai and wanted her isn't exactly what happened, but let's play the hand dealt.

Those Egyptians saw Sarai and thought she was so beautiful they presented her to Pharaoh, the King. Well, before anyone knew what was happening, Pharaoh whisked her into his harem and sent Abram a fortune in “sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses and camels.” (For a sixty year old woman—not even a virgin! You know this doesn’t make any sense. Even a camel trader would know to look at the critter’s teeth!) Notice even the “she asses” were considered so inferior to “he asses” that they were mentioned secondarily as a cheaper asset. Women were valued likewise. Remember, it was woman who caused man to sin.

The situation was simply a misunderstanding, right? If Abram had done the sensible thing he would have returned Pharaoh’s ‘gifts’ and explain why he misrepresented his wife. But what if Pharaoh hadn’t taken kindly to being duped? Might he not have had Abram killed? Or what if he fulfilled Abram’s first fear and cut his throat to keep Sarai? We can only surmise that Abram turned to his God for recourse, and notice how God handled the problem.

The Lord plagued Pharaoh! Why? Pharaoh was the victim! He was the one being scammed and God was the enforcer! But somehow, Pharaoh discovered the truth, and in his anguish proved to be more righteous than Abram or God. He called Abram and cried, “What have you done to me? Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? What if I’d had sex with her? Then I would have sinned!” Normally, at this point a king would toss the offender in prison or chop off his head. The fact Pharaoh did neither indicates he was terrified of Abram’s God. Instead of punishing Abram, Pharaoh rewarded him by sending him off a rich man. Here we’re introduced to one of God’s values; it’s alright to defraud anyone who doesn’t worship Yahweh. Later, we’ll discover its okay to rob, deceive, raid, enslave and slaughter those who don’t know God.

So, Abram left Egypt, and returned to Canaan a rich man. Apparently Lot was paid off too, for he also was rich. In fact they had so many sheep and cattle there wasn’t enough grazing land for their combined flocks. And when their herdsmen began fighting Abram knew something had to be done. He also knew Lot had a weakness for wine and the nightlife. So Abram began to scheme. He looked out over the land. Off to the west was dry barren desert that didn’t seem too inviting. To the east lay the Jordan Valley, with beautiful green pasturelands, water, and fields surrounding a sparking lake. Prosperous and thriving cities were scattered up and down the coast. But Abram was a foxy old coot. He knew Lot would be drawn to the cities with their people and excitement, but he also knew people meant competition, taxation, and in this case warring kings from each of those cities. He also disliked the ominous dark smoke rising from those burning tar pits on the southern tip of the lake near Sodom and Gomorrah. So, with feigned indifference Abram said to Lot, “Let’s not start fighting. You go one way and I’ll go the other. Chose first, take the desert or the lush valley, it doesn’t matter to me?” Of course we know what happened.

Abram had the inside track with God, and as they watched Lot and his clan skip off toward the jeweled valley and bustling cities, God gave Abram a hi-five and said, "Look around you, all four directions," which, of course, included the direction to which Lot had departed. "All that you see I will give to you and your kids to keep forever." Of course God didn't have a clear deed to all that land. He fail to tell the Kenites, Kenizzites, Kadmonites, Canaanites, Amorites, and five other …ites they were being evicted. His plan was to let the Israelites slaughter them, only it didn't work out that way, and today, thousands of years later, that war God casually sparked still rages between the Jews, Palestinians and the descendants of all those …ites nations.

Abrahamic Covenant

Lot moved into the luscious Jordan Valley and of course stirred up a hornet’s nest. Right off the bat he found himself in the middle of a battle between nine kings. When the dust cleared Lot and everything he owned had been carried away as booty. Of course Abram had to ride to the rescue. Here we’re introduced to a different picture of Abram’s “family”. At the time God called him from his people one just assumes he and Lot and their families went out into the unknown armed only with staffs and a few cattle. Of course we know he bamboozled Pharaoh out of a fortune. But here, to free Lot, Abram is able to field an army of 318 trained warriors, born in his own household. Abram wasn’t a wandering shepherd; he was the chieftain of an invading tribe!

With that army, Abram chased Lot's abductors all the way to Damascus, in what is now Syria, and slaughtered them. He rescued Lot, his nephew, and all his goods and women.

So Abram returned a hero! Even Jesus Christ was there to break out the food and wine. Well, at least that’s what many Christians claim. They say that the King of Salem and priest of God, Melchizedek, was the Son of God. I’m not sure how they figure that, it might have something to do with God choosing Abram as His people. If God set Abram’s tribe apart as a chosen people, who was this Melchizedek priest in Salem? Where did he come from? Did God have some more chosen people? And then, when you remember that Abram was suppose to be the progenitor of the “vessel” for this Son of God, who was already a priest and king, it gets mighty confusing.

Abram was a dreamer. Not one of those guys who sits around dreaming up ways to make things better or bigger; no, he had dreams in which God told him what was going to happen. One night he was talking with God and said, "Hey, Lord! You told me I was going to have a bunch of kids, and here I am an old man and I don't even have anyone to run my estate except a servant. How do I know you're going to give me all this land and make a great nation of my descendants?"

Well, God must have figured that was a tough question or He was craving blood, because He told Abram He'd have to have a snack, and after consulting the menu He ordered a heifer, a goat, and a ram. You can tell God was a connoisseur because all the critters had to be three years old and the goat had to be female. He wasn't as particular about the turtledove and young pigeon He ordered for desert, because He didn't specify an age. So, after Abram wandered about in his sleep chopping up the heifer, ram and goat, and stacking them up just the way God wanted, God made him run around chasing the crows away as he waited for an answer. But when the answer came it was a dilly. Most assuredly, Abram's seed would be a great nation, but first they'd have some rough times (what's a good story without some adversities). First, they'd have to spend a few hundred years as slaves in Egypt. But God quickly reminded Abram of the scam they had worked on the Egyptians a few years earlier, and promised He'd run the same scam with his descendants. After that, God dined.

I guess Abram told Sarai about God's promise because she began to worry that they had no kids. And why not, she was in her seventies and Abram was, as we've said, ten years older. Apparently Abram was still full of vigor and vam, and Sarai, not familiar with male testosterone, assumed she was unable to have kids; so she came up with an idea. "My Lord," she said, (husbands were lords to their wives in those days) “my Lord, you and I know we can't have kids. God knows we've tried enough these passed fifty years. And since it's obvious you're still strong and viral the fault must rest with me. Maybe God hasn't noticed the problem, so let's help him out a little. You know my handmaiden, that Egyptian girl, Hagar, why don't you take her and make a baby." Of course there were no in vitro fertilization programs or surrogate mothers then, so you know what Sarai meant.

No doubt by that time ole Abram had been thinking about moving up to the big time and setting up a harem tent; after all, he was a powerful and wealthy chieftain. Also, we must remember we're dealing with a strong, machismos, polygamous culture.

Sarai was right, there was nothing wrong with Abram's testosterone level and soon Hagar was with child. Only, you know how it is with two women in the same household. As soon as Hagar found out she was pregnant she became haughty and despised Sarai. So, Sarai complained to Abram, "I never should have given you that woman, and you shouldn't have slept with her."

"Hey, she's your handmaiden!" Abram replied. "Do what you want with her."

You know, there are few things meaner than a vicious, jealous, barren wife, even if she is the wife of a friend of God. By the time Sarai got through dealing "hardly" with poor little Hagar the pregnant girl was so distressed she ran into the desert to die. But remember, God knows the future and He could see the mess those upstart Christians were going to make in Rome, so He lit a slow fuse that would plague their plans of world domination by starting a second branch of "chosen people”.

He sent an angel to Hagar and told her to go back to Sarai and be a good girl; that her son would be a wild man, a warrior that everyone would try to kill. But they wouldn't succeed. He would be the progenitor of a great people without number. Today, tradition considers Hagar's son, Ishmael, to be the father of all Arab nations.

Abram can only be described as a stud; he was eighty-six when Hagar had her child, Ishmael. Then, thirteen years later, at the age of ninety-nine, the Lord came to him and said, "Abram, I still intend to make a great nation of your descendants; as a matter of fact, you're going to be the father of many nations. I'm going to make a covenant with you, right here, today. It will be an everlasting covenant between you, me, and all your off-spring. And your name won't be Abram any more, but Abraham. As a sign of this covenant every man in your household and every man of your seed will be circumcised in the foreskin of his penis. Every man in your camp, that includes all your male slaves and every stranger who comes into your camp. Oh, yes, Sarai will also have a new name, Sarah, because I'm going to bless her and she's going to give you an heir."

Well, ole Abraham, kneeling there with his face in the sand, couldn't help but giggle because he was thinking, "There's no way a ninety year old woman is going to get pregnant and bear a child from a one hundred year old man." But he sure liked the idea of being a king of kings and all that hype, so he suggested, "Maybe Ishmael could find favor in your eyes."

"Nope," God said, "I have other plans for him." He didn't dare tell Abraham He was going to use him to breed a competitive religion. He just told Abraham what the old man wanted to hear, "I'm going to make a great nation of him also."

With that God took off and Abraham rushed back to camp and had the end of every male's penis chopped off.

Sodom and Gomorrah

            Lot had settled in Sodom and was fitting right in with the locals, but God got peeved off because the Sodomites wouldn't recognize Him as their god. As the story goes, one day Abraham was sitting in the shade of his tent when he saw some distinguished visitors arriving and ran out to invite them to lunch. How did he know they were distinguished? It isn’t clear; maybe they were dressed in shining white robes or had wings on their backs. Apparently one was either God or the manifestation of God, for He spoke and acted like God. After the strangers ate and started on their way Abraham discovered they were on their way to destroy the wicked city of Sodom. Of course he realized Lot and his family were in Sodom and would be among those destroyed, so he asked, “Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?” Then he began negotiating with the Lord to preserve the town, “Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city….” In the end the Lord agreed to spare the town if He found ten righteous souls.

Even Christian children are familiar with what occurred, though the more perverted details might have been toned down. At that time Lot was living in Sodom with his wife and two daughters. Either he had become a ‘gentleman’ shepherd, or had liquidated his holdings to be near the night life. It was evening and Lot was sitting at the gate of Sodom when he saw the angels coming, and like Abraham, he invited them into his house. But as soon as they’d eaten the men of Sodom surrounded the house and began beating on the door wanting Lot to send the men out so they could rape them. What followed clearly indicates the status of females. Lot slipped outside and offered his virgin daughters instead of the two strangers! Imagine, a man willing to offer the virginity, and perhaps the lives, of his daughters to preserve the honor of his house! Did Lot know they were angels of God? Nope, his only argument was that the “men” were under the protection of his “roof”.

According to the story, the angels pulled Lot back into the house and smote the mob with blindness. In the confusion that followed Lot, his wife, and two daughters escaped. The daughters’ husbands were warned, but refused to go. Of course, we all know Lot’s wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.

Lot took his daughters up into the mountains and lived in a cave. When the daughters perceived that they would never find husbands they got their father drunk, had intercourse with him and produced incestuous sons.

What we’re supposed to learn from this story is to eschew evil and follow the Lord. But what we should learn is that if you follow the Lord you can get away with evil. Only three righteous persons were saved. But consider those three persons. First: it’s surely a wicked father who’d hand his daughters over to a mob of perverts. Secondly: Lot’s character was further degraded when he lied by trying to pass his married daughters off as virgins. Thirdly: he must have been an idiot to think no one in town knew they were married. As for the daughters, they got their father drunk and produced incestuous bastards! And these were the righteous of Sodom! Let me ask what should be obvious. What of the children of Sodom. Were the children wicked? What of the infants? Perhaps there were no babies. Or, were they wicked because they were born in sin?

It should also be noted that the Lord made mighty nations of the incestuous bastards, the Ammonites and Moabites; two other contenders in God's wars of the world. Apparently God gets his kicks by creating great nations, then inciting them to slaughter each other.

It has been determined by environmentalist, geologists and other members of the scientific community that it wasn't God who destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, but the explosion of a volcano at the southern end of the Dead Sea. No doubt that conflagration made all the land about the Dead Sea uninhabitable. It was probably for that reason that a hundred year old man with a ninety year old wife suddenly decided to move into a strange new country; but Abraham and Sarah did move.

They moved south into the land of Gerar and used the old sister-wife scam on, Abimelech, the king of that country. In this tale we see some discrepancies that make it obvious the scam wasn't triggered by sexual desirability. Let's face it; no king who could have his choice of women would be turned on by a ninety years old mother! As mentioned earlier, this hostage taking was most likely a means to insure peace, because it should be remembered that Abraham was a powerful chieftain with a strong army.

As the story goes, Abimelech sent for Sarah and God came to him in a dream and said, "You're a dead man, because the woman you took is another man's wife."

Well, either Abimelech recognized a number of gods, or he became a convert real fast, because he started praying, "Lord! You wouldn't kill a righteous man would you? I didn't do anything! I didn't know she was married. Abraham told me she was his sister and the woman confirmed it."

God said, "I know all that Abimelech. I know you're a good man and I know you never touched her, because I put a curse on you, your wife, and all your maid servants. So, you give the woman back to her husband and ask him to pray for you, because he's a prophet, and he'll heal you. It you don't, you and all that are yours will die."

When Abimelech confronted Abraham it was revealed that Sarah truly was Abraham's sister, the daughter of his father, but by a different mother—a half sister! And it was further reveals that they cooked the confidence scheme up when they first started wandering about the land. When you study their genealogy it appears close intermarrying was common; because Abraham's brother, Nahor, married his niece, Milcah. Of course, when we remember that incest began with Adam and Eve we shouldn’t find this custom strange.

Regardless of Abimelech's innocence or guilt, he paid the exorbitant extortion; sheep, oxen, men servants and maid servants, free range in his land, and a thousand pieces of silver.

The Near Scarifice of Isaac

The Lord visited Sarah and she conceived and bore a son, who was named Isaac. The boy grew and was weaned, then one day Sarah saw Ishmael teasing Isaac and said to Abraham, "Cast out the bond woman and her son for we have an heir now and I'll not put up with them anymore!"

Abraham was distressed because he loved Ishmael, and didn't want to cast him out, but Got told him to set his mind at ease; to go ahead and send the mother and child away. So, Abraham gave Hagar some food and water and sent her and her son into the desert.

Of course God had no intention of deserting Ishmael, He had plans for him. When the food and water were gone, Hagar left her child and went off a ways so she wouldn't have to watch him die. Then an angel came and showed her a well, so they lived and God blessed Ishmael.

One day God was a bit bored and thought He'd have some fun with ole Abraham, so He called down, "Abraham! Take your son, your only son, the one that you love, and go up to Mount Moriah and offer him for a burnt offering."

Apparently God was still speaking to Abraham in dreams, because first thing in the morning poor ole Abraham got up, saddled his ass and took two of his men, Isaac, and a load of wood and set out. It took them three days to reach the land or Moriah, and when Abraham saw the mountain in the distance he told his two men: "Wait here while the lad and I go on to worship, then come back."

So, Abraham loaded the boy down with the wood while he carried the fire and a knife in his hands. As they trudged along Isaac looked about and saw how desolate the land was, how empty it was of life, and said to his Dad, "Father, I see the wood, the fire, and that long, wicked, knife in your hand, but where's the lamb for the burnt offering?"

Abraham replied, "Don't worry Son, God will provide."

They went on, and when they reached the spot God wanted, Abraham built an altar and arranged the wood. Then he laid Isaac on the altar and tied him up. I suppose it was at that point when Isaac began to catch on, no doubt he began to raise a fuss, otherwise there would have been no need to tie him. And Abraham raised the knife to plunge it into Isaac's heart. But an angel stopped him.

We're supposed to learn from this that God was testing Abraham, to see if he would truly slay his own son, but what does that say for God's supposed ability to discern the hearts of men. If He is omniscient He would have known Abraham's mind, and the torture He inflicted upon both father and son becomes nothing more than the cruel and thoughtless teasing of a tyrant deity. Can you imagine the psychological nightmares that must have haunted that poor, young, boy? The evident damage may be discerned in the resulting character of Isaac. He was probably the weakest of all the men God chose for service.

Isaac

Isaac was nothing like his father. Where Abraham was strong and forceful, Isaac was meek and unassuming; apparently content to yield to his father's bidding, not that that was too unusual, rebellious kids were stoned under Yahweh's law. But most likely the experience on the sacrificial altar had a profound effect on his character development. There's little said about Isaac. Abraham sent a servant back to Padan-aram to pick out a wife for him—his cousin, Rebekah. Before his death, Abraham gave Isaac's half brothers gifts and sent them away; probably because he knew Isaac would be too weak to control them. Upon Abraham's death Isaac inherited everything. It's interesting to note that God promised to make a great nation of Abraham's off-spring, but there is a definite value system. Some children from secondary wives are blessed with the promise of fathering great nations, while unwanted off-spring are chased out of the blood-line

Not long after Isaac became chief, or sheik, there was another famine in the land. Surely this whole "promised land" spill has to be a joke. The entire Palestine area is nothing but a hot, dry, hell-hole compared to, say, Europe, India, Brazil, or the U.S.A. Why, in the wide world, would God decide Canaan was the strip of real estate worth all the hatred and blood shed its produced? Think about it! While Abraham and all his descendants have been herding goats and fighting loosing wars for six thousand years, the Greeks, Romans, Holy Roman Empire, England and the United States were, alternately, developing and destroying the world. In fact, there are few places on earth more inhospitable than the "promised land."

But there was another famine, and Isaac led his tribe back to Gerar, the land of the Philistines—and pulled the same old sister-wife scam on Abimelech (the son) that Abraham and Sarah had pulled on the father. You'd think the son would have heard the story and been wary; or, perhaps it was an embarrassment to the elder Abimelech and he never told his son. Fortunately, the younger king saw Isaac "sporting" with Rebekah and called him to task. Still, the scam worked, Abimelech gave Isaac his protection and let him dwell in the land.

Here we have the first record of Abraham's descendants farming since Cain's disastrous attempt. Of course there was farming, but Abraham's clan was nomadic herders. However, that year Isaac sowed the Philistine lands and "received… an hundred fold". He was so rich the Philistines became envious and Abimelech became afraid and asked him to leave. Here we see Isaac's abhorrence of confrontations and violence evidenced by the fact that he moved. And everywhere he moved, he cleared the wells his father had dug years before; wells that the Philistines had filled. Each time he settled, the Gerar herdsmen, or Philistines, claimed the well and Isaac moved and cleared another well.

About the only notable deeds Isaac accomplished was to sire twins who began fighting in the womb. Esau and Jacob were born of Rebekah and, if you can believe the Holy Word, they were struggling for the birthright (rights of the first born; the inheritor of God’s promise to Abraham) before they were even born. They created such a turmoil Rebekah went and asked God: "What the heck is going on here?"

God said, "Two nations are struggling within your womb. One nation will be strong, but the elder shall serve the younger."

Of course the unborn babies didn't know that, so they kept wrestling. And when they were born, Esau came out first, already covered with a full pelt of fur, and Jacob was hanging onto his heel. Talk about a baby's grip! Personally I find that harder to believe than the walking on water spill. But God said it, so it has to be so—right?

Esau and Jacob

The boys grew up. Esau was the big, tough, hairy, outdoorsman type—a hunter. One of those guys who liked to kill things, especially deer. That was the reason Isaac liked him better than Jacob; Esau would kill a deer and make a mean venison stew for his Father.

Jacob was just the opposite, he was a thinker. If there'd been books handy he would have been an intellectual genus; only there were no books, so he developed his wits by observing life and reasoning. Time and again, he watched his brother as he left camp with his bow and arrows. He watched as Esau returned, hot and sweaty, with a bloody carcass over his shoulder; oft times so weak and dehydrated he could hardly stand. At those times he despised his brother because Esau placed so little value upon their Father's blessing and a plan developed. 

One day, when he was expecting Esau's return from a long hunting trek, Jacob boiled a pottage and waited. Sure enough, when Esau staggered in the first thing he smelt was the pottage and he begged Jacob: "Give me some of your pottage before I pass out."

Jacob said, "I'll trade you some for your birthright."

Esau was a man of the moment, he was young, enjoying life and cared little for an abstract thing like a birthright, so he replied: "Look at me, I'm starving to death. What good is a birthright if I'm dead—give me the pottage."

Jacob said, "Swear to me."

And Esau swore away his birthright.

Years later, Isaac was getting old and infirm, his sight was about gone and, no doubt, he was a bit senile. With his days growing short he decided to bestow his blessings upon his eldest. (Note: The blessing was a promise of prosperity and was separate from the birthright which was associated with progeny.) How was he to know God and his wife were collaborating behind his back? As a matter of fact, the entire incident makes one wonder. Up to that point, God had only chosen one prophet or leader and only spoke to that one person. Then, for some reason He left his prophet out of the loop and confided in, of all persons, a woman! Here is another reflection on the weakness of Isaac’s character. However, the whole story is ridiculous; imagine babies fighting in the womb as if they could possibly understand the importance of a tribal blessing and the concept of first progeny, and an infant with the grip of an adult. Nonsensical, fables, even more unbelievable than the stories of Tarzan or Pecos Bill, who were supposedly raised by wild animals!

Nevertheless, Isaac called Esau and said, "Go kill a deer and make me some of that venison I love and I'll bless you before I die."

So, Esau grabbed his bow and headed for the field. (I suppose they used the word field in the Bible because there were no woods in the Promised Land.) No doubt God was directing Rebekah because she just happened to overhear her husband, and since she knew what God wanted she saw no reason why she shouldn't ease His job a bit. Quickly she sent for Jacob and told him: "Your Daddy is about to bless Esau! Hurry, run out to the flock and bring me a couple of kids so I can make him a savory dish."

Now, you might be wondering how she could fool her husband into thinking goat was venison. It could be that Isaac was so old his taste buds had ceased to function. Or it could be because the Hebrew word for venison really meant game—whatever Esau managed to kill. And it's just possible that Esau wasn't past plucking up a kid when he returned from an unsuccessful hunt.

But Jacob objected: "Mother, Esau is hairy while I'm smooth skinned, what if Dad wants to hug me? He'll know I'm not Esau and I'll get a curse instead of a blessing."

"Don't worry about cursing, I'll take care of that—just go!"

Rebekah made the dish and dressed Jacob in Esau's clothes so he'd smell like his brother. Then, so he'd feel hairy, she covered his arms with the goat skins—the reason for two kids, one for each arm. So, carrying the food, Jacob went to his Father.

But Rebekah had overlooked the differences in her sons' voices, and when Jacob spoke Isaac said, "Who are you?"

Jacob bluffed it out: "I'm Esau, your firstborn. I've brought the venison as you asked, so come, eat, and bless me as you said."

Isaac was old, but not completely senile: "How did you find it so fast?"

"Because the Lord, your God, brought it to me."
            Isaac was still suspicious: "Come here and let me touch you."

And after he'd felt the hairy skins covering Jacob's arms he was convinced: "You sound like Jacob, but the arms are Esau's." And he blessed him.

The tent flap was still waving behind Jacob when Esau came in with his stew: "Here I am Dad, with this savory venison, all ready for your blessing!"

And Isaac said, "Who are you?"

Well, you can imagine what happened. Isaac said, "Your brother has tricked me and stolen your blessing."

Esau yelled and cried: "He's well named, because he's stolen both, my birthright and blessing! But surely you can do something, Dad. Can't you bless me also?"

Ole Isaac said, "Let's see, I've made him your Lord, given him your brothers as servants, given him the food and wine—what's left for you?"

Esau started bawling: "Come on Dad, surely there's something—just one blessing?"

Ole Isaac thought and thought then stood up straight and declared: "Behold! You'll be a great hunter and take your living from the earth. You'll live by your sword and serve your brother; but when you're strong enough you'll break his yoke and throw it off your shoulders!"

Esau didn't care too much for that blessing and hated Jacob. "Just wait," he mumbled, "I can't do anything until my Father is dead and the days of morning have passed, but then I know who'll be the first to taste my sword!"

Isaac and Rebekah both agreed it would be best to get Jacob out of Esau's reach, so they send him to Laban, Rebekah's brother in Padan-aram, supposedly to get a wife.

Jacob's Service to Laban

Apparently, Jacob wasn't the only one of Abraham's kin who knew how to sucker a rube. Jacob didn't even reach Haran, where Laban lived, before he met Laban's daughter Rachel, his own cousin. It was love at first sight. After he'd hung around for a month, Laban figured it was time to find out whether he'd inherited a permanent houseguest or not. But he was diplomatic about it. He said to Jacob, "Even though you're blood kin, it isn't right for you to serve me for nothing. What wages would you want?"

Of course Jacob was smitten by Rachel, but remember, he hadn't yet come into his inheritance. And most likely his parents had planned everything out so he wouldn't return to face Esau too soon—they hadn't given him money for a dowry. So, Jacob answered Laban: "I'll serve you seven years if you'll give me your younger daughter Rachel."

Laban said, "Why not? Better you than someone else."

Well, you know what happened. Jacob served the seven years and they just seem to fly by. They had the wedding and Jacob bedded his wife, only the next morning he discovered Laban had slipped in a ringer, his eldest daughter Leah. In short, Jacob ended up having to serve another seven years for Rachel.

Both Rachel and Leah had handmaidens, Bilhah and Zilpah. And, as you may have gathered, the job of handmaiden had its hazards and perks; one could end up pregnant and out in the desert, or the mother of nations. Apparently it was a very volatile position and depended upon the mood of a capricious god. But, in the case of Bilhah and Zilpah, they, along with Leah and Rachel, were destined for great things; for by them, Jacob would sire twelve sons whose descendants would become the twelve tribes of Israel

After Jacob had served Laban fourteen years for Leah and Rachel, and inherited two handmaidens, he found himself with four wives, one daughter, eleven sons, and little else. Perhaps he hoped Laban would reimburse him for all the years of labor; maybe he hoped Laban would will one of his daughters a chunk of land and a few seed cattle (sheep or goats). But eventually he realized his stingy ole father-in-law wasn't going to part with a single goat. Obviously, there was no future in Padan-aram. And he probably kept thinking of all the wealth in his father's house—ah, tent. So, one day when Laban came to check out the flocks and see how Jacob was doing, Jacob tendered his notice: "Give me my wives and my children and send me away, so I can go back to my country."

But Laban replied, "Pray, if I've found favor in your eyes, stay here. Let's talk about a salary. Set a figure and I'll pay you because I know your God has blessed me because of you."

Jacob said, "You can say that again. You had nothing when I came, now look at the herds of sheep and goats you have. All because God blessed you since I came. Well, I've worked long enough for you and you've given me nothing; now it's time I took care of my own family."

"What can I give you to make you change your mind?" Laban said.

Now, you know Jacob was a trickster and no doubt, was still smarting over the con Laban had pulled on him. But he was one of those guys who never got angry—just even. All those years tending to Laban's flocks hadn't been wasted. Laban thought it was God who'd increased his wealth, but Jacob knew better. Those increases had occurred because of Jacob's stockbreeding skills.

For years he'd followed those bleating sheep and baaing goats and watched and thought. He saw that when they inbred the contraceptive rate dropped, the off-spring wasn't as hardy and longevity decreased. With a little experimenting he discovered that stronger and healthier cattle resulted when the relationship was no closer than half-brother or half-sisters and even better with cousins. He also learned that inbreeding tended to produce certain traits; such as speckled or spotted off-spring. Of course he wasn't going to reveal his discovery to Laban.

Instead, Jacob said to Laban, "I don't want a wage, I want a percentage. You give me all the spotted and speckled goats and sheep, and I'll tend your flocks.

Laban couldn't believe his ears! In solid colored cattle, discoloration is very rare, so ole Laban thought he'd been given a free gift. He snatched the bait and ran with it.

To make the magic, Jacob cut stakes from green saplings and pealed the bark away in spiraled strips, then stuck the stakes up before the watering troughs so the animals would conceive while looking at the striped poles. When the strong cattle were ready to conceive he placed them before the striped stake; but the feebler cattle he did not.

But when the cattle were feeble, he put them not in; so the feebler were Laban's, and the stronger Jacob's. (Genesis 30:42)

No magic involved. This superstitious belief is still prevalent today, to some degree, in that some believe what a pregnant woman looks at may affect her unborn child. As a youngster I remember women in such condition weren't supposed to look at a snake, else their child might be scaly. To see a disfigured face might result in the child being ugly, a deformed limb might cause the child to be crippled. The magic worked for Jacob, not because of the carved stakes, but because he chose the stronger cattle for himself.

Ten times Laban changed the color of cattle Jacob should receive; but each time, Jacob switched the sire. If Laban said ringtailed; Jacob used a ringtail male breeder; if Laban said speckled; Jacob used a speckled male. Apparently Laban and his sons were pretty dumb concerning stockbreeding.

No matter what Laban tried, Jacob grew richer and richer; as Laban's wealth seeped away. Before long Laban and his boys were giving Jacob the old evil eye. No doubt they knew Jacob was ripping them off—they just couldn't figure how. So, God knew the game was about up and told Jacob it was time to hit the road; time to go home and claim his inheritance.

This brings us to a bit of the tale that truly puzzles me. Even though the Lord instructed Jacob to return and promised to be with him Jacob was still terrified of Esau. God had blessed him with wives, sons, and wealth; promised him the blessing of Abraham and Isaac; even send angels to greet Esau; yet, Jacob still feared. Then, the night before his meeting with Esau, Jacob wrestled with a man all night, only to discover with the breaking of day, that the stranger was an angel. At some point during the match, the angel touched Jacob's thigh and withered it. Apparently the angel was trying to break free before the day revealed his identity, but once Jacob saw his adversary was an angel he wouldn't loosen his grip until he received a blessing. Whereupon the angel changed Jacob's name to Israel; meaning, he will rule as god. Because, said the angel, as a prince you have power with God, and with men, and have prevailed.

The first question that comes to my mind is: If God had so blessed Jacob to the point He spoke to him in dreams, where was his faith? In Jacob's mind, God talked with him. God had elevated him above his brother, given him the birthright and blessing, gifted him with wives and children, granted him prosperity over Laban, and even influenced the breeding of his livestock--how could he doubt? And what of the angel? Why were he and Jacob wrestling? How did Jacob manage to get a hold of the angel? Why was the angel there in the first place? Why didn't the angel simple say, "I'm a messenger of your God. Turn me loose." And should we be expected to believe that a mere man is strong enough to overpower an angel? Should the story even be taken literally? Yet, if it was a metaphor, how did Jacob's leg become injured?

The entire story, with its references to the supernatural, smacks of more folktales. We should remember the mentality of our storytellers and take into account that they were superstitious, uneducated nomads who found the answers to life's mysteries in dreams and imaginary gods. More likely, Jacob simply became so terrified and excited over meeting Esau that he had a stroke which left him lame, and all for nothing. When the two brothers finally met, they greeted each other with tears and hugs of joy.

Dinah

After Jacob and Esau had made their peace, they separated because the land could not support their combined flocks. Esau moved to the area around Mount Seir and his descendants became known as the Edomites. And, despite the fact Jacob had supposedly inherited all of Canaan, he purchased land outside the city of Shechem and pitched his tents there.

At that time, Jacob, now named Israel, the progenitor of the twelve tribes of Israel, had eleven of those twelve sons. He also had one daughter, Dinah, and her story reveals much about the infant nation of Israel, the inhabitants of the land and their present day descendants, and God. It all began when Dinah decided to "go out to see the daughters of the land”. In other words, she wanted to see how the Hivite women lived outside the city of Shechem. Well, she found out when the prince of the Hivites, Shechem, son of Hamor, took her, slept with her, and thereby defiled her. Since the city bore the name of the prince, obviously one was named after the other; or perhaps, the city became known to the Israelites as, the city of Shechem. The fate of Dinah again testifies to the status of women; the only protection they had was through the influence or power of their men folk. A woman in the field was fair game for anyone within the upper class. And this must be where Shechem discovered Dinah, because, according to Israelite customs, a woman was expected to scream for help. If she fail to screamed in the city, she was held guilty of fornication. In the countryside, where her cries might not be heard, she was given the benefit of doubt and considered innocent.

In this story we find one of the first records of honor killings. Even though Shechem fell for Dinah and wanted her for his wife, the Israeli boys' honor had been besmirched. So, when Shechem and his father, Hamor, went to negotiate a marriage all of Israel's sons came in from the field to attend the council.

Hamor proposed a union of their people: "My son is crazy about your daughter, give her to him. Let's make a pact; give us your daughters and take our daughters as wives; and let's join our people. Live in our land, trade here, and prosper."

Of course, that couldn't be; remember God had forbidden His people to intermarry with the other heathen nations.

Then Shechem placed his neck in the noose: "I just want to do what's right. I'll do whatever you ask."

At this point, Israel's sons took control. Perhaps it was a custom that the sons avenge the affront to the family honor, such is the case in some eastern cultures even today. One of the sons reminded Hamor of their law of separation: "You know we can't give our sister to an uncircumcised man. But, if all your males were circumcised, then we could do as you say. We could give you our daughters and take yours. We could be one big happy family! Otherwise, we'll take our sister and go."

Happily, Hamor and his son returned to their people and talked all the men into submitting to circumcision. Then, on the third day, when all the men were sore and probably fighting off infection, two of the brothers, Simeon and Levi, walked through the village with their swords and killed every male. Afterward, they took all their cattle, wives, children, servants and anything of value and fled the country before the surrounding cities could muster an army against them.

How did God react to such wanton slaughter and plundering? Did He reprimand Israel for not controlling his sons? Did He point out that only Shechem was guilty of abducting his daughter? Surely He was upset over the slaughter of innocent men, the razing of a city, the theft of property and the enslavement of women and children! Nope, He told Israel to hustle back to Bethel and build him an altar. When Israel did so, God blessed him and reiterated the promises He'd made to Abraham and Isaac.

Notice the double standard evidenced here. The Israelites, namely, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob had their concubines; Esau married two Hittite women; and later Judah (one of Israel's sons) married a Canaanite and hired his daughter-in-law as a prostitute. Now, I ask you, what kind of godly man hires a whore from the roadside? All of these godly men were guilty of the same, if not worse, crimes as Shechem and his father; yet God, like a rich father, either bought the victims off, or sent them into exile. Jews and Christians may excuse such actions under the banner of racism or religious purity; but children are not Jews, Christians, or heathens—only innocent children.

Joseph

And Jacob dwelt in the land wherein his father was a stranger, in the land of Canaan (Genesis 37:1).

So much for God's promise to Abraham that He would give him all the land he could see. Throughout the lifetimes of Abraham and Isaac, both lived in Canaan only at the bequest of the Canaanite rulers. Abraham was even forced to purchase burial spaces for Sarah and himself. And, as we'll see, Israel and his clan found it necessary to migrate to Egypt—so much for the eternity of the possession.

However, after the slaughter at Shechem, Israel and his wild sons found refuge in Bethel and everything appeared to be going well; except where  one of his sons, Joseph, was concerned. The competition between Leah and Rachel for Israel's favors was reflected in the production of sons. Leah was fertile and had six sons while Rachel had trouble conceiving and had only borne one, Joseph. It appears that Leah's sons inherited, or learned, their mothers' distain for Rachel and her son and, perhaps with good reason. Joseph was Israel's favorite and was undoubtedly spoiled. His father openly displayed his preference by giving Joseph a multi-colored robe and allowing him to lord it over his brothers. Joseph seem to take a perverse pleasure in relating "dreams" to his brothers in which he ruled over them and they were forced to bow down to him. Not a very smart move when you're dealing with sword welding killers, as Joseph was to learn

Apparently the trouble in Shechem blew over, or the Israelite boys' reputation grew beyond contestation, because when Joseph was seventeen his brothers were tending the flocks in Shechem and Israel send him up to check on them.  

When the brothers saw Joseph coming one of them said, "Look, the dreamer is coming. Let's kill the little bugger, toss his carcass into a pit, and say some wild beast got him. Then we'll see what dreams he dreams."

Reuben didn't like the idea but knew better than to try arguing with his hot-headed brothers. Instead he suggested just tossing Joseph into a pit alive, hoping to slip back after dark and affect his escape.

When Joseph arrived they stripped him of his beautiful robe and did as Reuben suggested. Then, still undecided as to what action to take from there, the brothers took out to eat, and, no doubt, figure out their next step. As they were eating a band of Ishmeelite traders came by and when the brothers discovered they were headed for Egypt they sold Joseph to them. Of course, the story of Joseph's bloody robe and the tale of his death that the boys carried to their father is common knowledge among Jews, Christians, and Moslems.

In Egypt, Joseph was bought by Potiphar, the captain of the guard. It is said that the Lord blessed him and he prospered and became head of Potiphar's household. He was, indeed, elevated to an exalted position until Potiphar's wife accused him of attempted rape and he was cast into prison. But even in prison he was blessed because the keeper of the prison recognized Joseph's superior abilities and put him in charge of all the prisoners. It was there that Joseph met Pharaoh's chief butler and chief baker who had fallen out of favor with Pharaoh and been tossed into prison. The two had dreams which Joseph was able to correctly interpret. One predicted the death of the baker; the other fore-told the restoration to office of the butler. Both predictions were fulfilled. Years later, when Pharaoh was having trouble finding someone who could interpret his dreams the butler remembered Joseph and thus introduced him into Pharaoh's court.

Joseph was able to interpret Pharaoh’s troubling dreams which predicted a terrible famine that was to ravage the land in seven years. However, God also gave him a plan whereby Pharaoh would be able to provide food for his subjects and steal all the land of Egypt with one fell swoop. Joseph told Pharaoh to appoint a good man to take a fifth part of the land during the seven good years and to store the produce in anticipation of the famine. Of course Pharaoh was so impressed by Joseph and his plan that he appointed him to that office and raised him to second in power throughout the land.

The plan, indeed, was admirable and foresighted in concept, but it was used to defraud and enslave the poor misguided citizens of Egypt. First, Joseph “took” a fifth of the land. Then when the famine became severe and the people were starving they came to Joseph for aid. In the first year, Joseph gave them food for all their livestock; no doubt knowing they would be unable to survive without herds or the means to till the ground. In the second year, the people sold their land and placed themselves into bondage. Joseph moved them into the cities, then put them to work as shareholders—working all the land Pharaoh had stolen from them. Of course the priests of the heathen gods were exempt because they drew their subsistence from Pharaoh’s bounty.

When the famine began it also struck Canaan, the Promise Land, where Joseph’s father and brothers lived. Out of desperation, Israel sent all of his sons, except the youngest and last son of Rachel, Benjamin, to Egypt to purchase grain. The story of how they were forced to appear before their brother, whom they had sold into slavery, is commonly known even outside Judaism and Christianity, so I will only briefly recap it here.

Though Joseph recognized them, they had no idea that the man they were bowing down to was their brother and Joseph chose not to reveal himself. He spoke harshly as he questioned them about where they came from and accused them of being spies. When he learned that he had a younger brother, because Benjamin had not been born when he was sold into slavery, Joseph wanted one of his brothers to go and bring him as proof that they were not lying. Finally he placed them under house arrest and allowed them to worry for a few days. In order for them to prove their story, Joseph held Simeon hostage and ordered them to return to Canaan and bring Benjamin to secure his release. Then he sent them away with their sacks full of grain and the money they had paid hidden within the sacks. When the sons told their Father what had happened, all feared they would be accused of stealing the purchase money, and were afraid to return with Benjamin. Only when the grain was gone and they again faced starvation did Israel consent to allow them to return with his youngest son.

In the end, Joseph revealed himself to his brothers and persuaded them to return for their father and bring the fledgling nation of Israel to live in Egypt where they were given the best of the lands and found favor in the eyes of Pharaoh. At least until Joseph died and a new Pharaoh assented to the throne. Eventually they lost their exalted status and became slaves. For the next four hundred and thirty years they served the Egyptians—until the coming of Moses.

Moses and the Law

Now, let’s skip forward a few centuries until we come to the story of Moses. Both Jews and Christians declare emphatically that Moses wrote the first five books of the Bible. This introduces more than a couple of questions. For starters: Who told it to Moses? Since he was raised as an Egyptian hundreds of years after "the beginning”, how did he know about the creation, the flood, his ancestors’ migration and sojourn in Egypt, and all the Hebrew’s national history? If you say: “His Mother told him,” then the story was apparently common knowledge before Moses. Can we believe, as some assert, that God dictated the books to Moses? Why should we believe so? The Koran teaches that God spoke to Mohammad, and Hammurabi claimed to have received the Code of Laws from Bel. Should we also believe these tales? If we do accept that God was the dictator we can negate the attribute of omniscient from His characteristics because, as we have already seen, the author of Genesis was definitely lacking in knowledge. So, do we admit to an ignorant God or entertain the possibility that the stories were in circulation long before Moses? Surely the people themselves had an oral, if not written, history? So, if Moses did write the first five books he must have only recorded folktales.

But even more mystifying, why are all five books written in the third person? If Moses was the author why would he use such awkward phrases as: “And the Lord spake unto Moses saying…”  “And Moses said unto them…” “Now the man Moses was very meek…”? And even more fantastic, how could Moses record and eulogize his own death as written in the last chapter of Deuteronomy? Obviously Moses did not write the first five books! So we must ask ourselves—who did? And if we cannot even assign an author how can they maintain any shred of truth or holiness?

But let’s suppose that the Lord, God, Yahweh did dictate the torah, or law (the first five books of the Bible) to Moses, and lets suppose He did write the Ten Commandments on tables of stone for him. Where are the tables? Where is the original manuscript of Moses? Lost? Did they ever exist? We see that even from the beginning we have to believe a story someone wrote thousands of years ago, and we really have no proof as to who that author might have been. We must have faith in fallible man. We are told God chose a people, the Hebrews, to keep and protect his Word, but did they? Did you know that there was at least one time in history when their "Law" was lost; a period when the Hebrews did not have the torah and did not know god? The event can be found in II Kings 22 & II Chronicles 34.

The young king Josiah was attacking pagan worship and attempting to lead his people back to Yahweh. While reconstructing the temple the priest, Hilkiah, just happen to "find" the Law of Moses. Here we’re back to trusting in man. Did Hilkiah really find the Law, or did he write it as a way to unite the people under Josiah? Perhaps it was re-recorded by Hilkiah and the Law we know today is vastly different from the original. Perhaps that is why it was written in the third person. At that time no one knew the Law because the young king Josiah “rent his clothes” upon hearing it read. And how did they know it was really the Law of God? They sent to a prophetess, a soothsayer, for affirmation. So, in this case it wasn’t God who was the revelator, but a fallible human—and a witch at that.

But let’s return to the epic of Moses and the fantastic story of the Exodus. We will disregard a common hypothesis that the escaping Israelites were not slaves as depicted in the Bible, but simply a tale based upon the historical events of the Hyksos; Egyptian rulers who were chased out of the land and fled into the Sinai desert. For our study we will assume that the Israelites were descendents of Israel who had flourished during their sojourn in Egypt. If so, their prosperity would only be natural. Joseph had sold the Egyptian people into bondage and delivered all the land into Pharaoh’s hands. As a reward Joseph’s relatives had been exalted to preeminence and given the best land in Egypt. It would only be natural that the Egyptian people would strive to regain their property and national rights when Joseph and the corrupt Pharaoh were out of the picture. And it would only be natural that the Israelites, or Hebrews, as they became known, would fall under bondage as the Egyptians exerted their rights and reclaimed power.

At the time of Moses birth, assuming we give credence to the story, the Hebrew were so numerous the Egyptian authorities were living in fear of a slave revolt and were turning to genocide as a means to eliminate or control their exploding birth rate.

Because of an order issued to kill all new-born male Hebrew children Moses’ mother placed him in a waterproofed basket and hid him in the river among the reeds, where Pharaoh’s daughter would find him. Moses' mother was trusting that the girl’s motherly nature (or God) would prevent her from allowing the baby to be destroyed. The ruse worked and Moses was taken into the palace and raised as Pharaoh’s grandson.

We’re told almost nothing of Moses’ childhood other than his being reared as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. Acts 7:22 reveals that he was schooled “in all the wisdom of the Egyptians”. In Exodus, the story simply skips to his adulthood, to an incident in which he had empathy for one of his Hebrew “brethren” who was being beaten by an Egyptian taskmaster. He killed the Egyptian and fled across the Red Sea into the Sinai desert where he was befriended by and married into a tribe of the Midianites. For the next forty years he lived the life of a shepherd and tended his father-in-law’s sheep.

So far the story of Moses’ life is at least credible, or possible. Now the story turns to the impossible and bizarre. According to the Book of Exodus God heard the cries of his “children” and called Moses to act as His agent of deliverance. Through miracles, plagues and pestilences Moses unleashed destruction upon the Egyptians until Pharaoh was forced to let them go.

Let’s look at the history of the Hebrews objectively to see if we can truly see the workings of an omnipotent god. To begin, God told Abram/Abraham he would give him all the land of Canaan—Abraham never received it. God also promised it to Abraham’s son Isaac; to his son, Jacob/Israel, and their children—they never received it either. As a matter of fact, though God promised Canaan to Abraham and his descendents as an ever-lasting inheritance only a few Jews have ever lived independently in the land. Since the time God made that promise, some 3900 years ago, Israel has only lived and ruled in Palestine approximately 600 years. And, of course, today they occupy a portion of the country but are constantly embroiled in warfare. In addition, the land wasn’t flowing with milk and honey. Biblical history repeatedly speaks of famines, droughts and starvation with the people having to flee to a neighboring country to survive. It is a terribly desolate land fit only for goats or sheep.

Finally, the entire fledgling Hebrew nation was forced to migrate to Egypt where they, at last, found their promised land—at least for a few hundred years. Then look at the consequences. The Israelites had evolved into a great hoard of illiterate, superstitious, slaves. Yes, they had, or would soon have, the number and means to return to Canaan and wrest it from the rightful inhabitants; of which many were their own kinsmen. But wouldn’t it have been much more logical for a god to promise them the land of Egypt which is much more fruitful and rich rather than the wasteland of their dreams?

The story of Moses and the Hebrews’ exodus from Egyptian slavery is probably one of the most popular stories ever recorded throughout history. Not only is Moses considered to be one of the greatest prophets within Christianity, Judaism, and Islam; through books, commentaries, documentaries and motion pictures his story has become legend throughout most of the civilized world. Even so, the question as to the validity of the events recorded, especially those concerning the godly miracles effected by Moses, are still open for debate. Historians and archeologists have dug through the sands of the past seeking to prove or disprove the claims. And while much scientific speculation has been presented in an effort to explain the fantastically impossibilities described, none have been universally accepted as a logical or reasonable explanation. Therefore we have no reason not to assume that the wild tales are no different than the folktales of Gilgamesh, Odysseus, Arthur of Camelot, or John Henry. From that perspective let’s reduce the impossible miracles of this absurd tale to logical deductions and see what we have left.

If we were to assume that the story of Moses as a fugitive from justice has some basis of truth, then it is only logical to assume that as an educated member of the ruling class Moses wasn’t satisfied herding his father-in-laws’ sheep in the Sinai desert. No doubt he had ample opportunity during those forty years to formulate a plan to step back into the position of leadership for which he had been trained. Being reared within the Pharaoh’s household or court he would have been familiar with the magic of the sorcerers and wise men. There can be no doubt that he picked up at least one of their tricks; that of turning a rod into a serpent. It even appears that he improved upon it by being able to have his serpent devour those of the sorcerers.

Moses would not have been strong enough to make a bid for the Egyptian throne. And even if he had been, what would have been the advantage? From historical evidence it appears Egypt was reeling in the death throes of disintegration. But there were all those poor, ignorant, superstitious Hebrews. Who knows, maybe Moses did feel empathy for his people. Or maybe, like Plato and Aristotle, he envisioned a better state, or government of man. At any rate, if the Law was introduced at that time, there can be little doubt that he formulated the Ten Commandments and the complex theological system he later imposed upon the Hebrews.

Using magic tricks he had learned in the court, Moses was able to con the Hebrews into believing he was a direct representative of their God. He was even able to name this God that they never knew. At first he liked the sound of “I am”. “I AM THAT I AM” he thundered over the sheep herd. That sounded ominous and authoritative with just the right touch of mysticism. Then he thought: Those slaves are so ignorant and dense that’ll fly right over their heads. They’re still going to want a name. What will I say when they ask, “What is his name?” No, I gotta have a name; something bold, something without beginning, eternal…I got it: Jehovah!

Is there any way we could believe this Jehovah, who at first couldn’t even comprehend the concept of an identity, revealed himself to Moses in the form of a burning bush that wasn’t consumed? Of course, here again, we have only Moses’ word that such an event occurred. Can’t you just see ole Moses picking his way through all the sheep shit trying to come up with a story that would convince everyone that he was the spokesperson for God? All those early prophets, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob had dreams. Of course they only had to convince their wives and children who would believe anything they said anyway. Moses’ situation was entirely different. He had to convince a wife who was the daughter of a Midianite priest. Then he had to go to a bunch of angry, disgruntled, slaves who didn’t really know him, and make them believe he had an inside track with their God. So, a burning bush made a good story, and if they doubted he’d just toss his rod at their feet and scare the be-god out of them—or in them, as the case would be.

Then Moses got the idea of a forerunner, someone who would vouch for him. Of course everyone knew his brother Aaron…and his sister Miriam could persuade the womenfolk. Yeah! I’ll make Aaron a prophet too…no! no! Two prophets might be confusing. How about a humble teacher…no, not a time for meekness…a pope, no…A PRIEST! Yeah! That’ll do it; Aaron a priest and Miriam a prophetess—we’ll let her do the dreaming!

With a developed plan, all he had to do was gain control of the superstitious minds of the slaves and ferment a rebellion that was inevitable. What better way than to appeal to their religious belief in a national god. After four hundred years of enslavement it is highly unlikely that there would have been anything but fables remembered about that god, (fables such as we have been studying) especially since the tribal leaders had been the only ones who communed with their deity. Another thought about that 400 years period of enslavement: Do you suppose none of those earlier generations were beseeching God? If they were, why didn’t God answer their cries? Think about it. Five or six generations died off begging and pleading with their God to deliver them! Then, finally, God hears their cries. Makes one wonder: If you have to wait around five or six lifetimes to be heard—why bother praying.

So, to reach the slaves, Moses instituted a now common form of authentication. He made his brother a priest; who would introduce Moses; who, in turn, would speak the direct words of God.  The plan is powerful in its simplicity. You don’t ask strangers to believe you; you ask them to believe someone they know who, supposedly, has inside information or special status. Examples of this authenticating scheme are evident in the, John, Jesus, God chain of command found in the Gospels, or the pope, Jesus, God hierarchy of the Catholic Church. And consider the proselyting efforts of Christianity: no one is expected to simply read the Bible and believe. Someone, a friend, preacher, or parent introduces Jesus and guides the inductee to the Bible where they hear ‘God’s Word’—conveniently explained for them.

Accordingly, Moses headed out to do the Lord’s bidding but something strange and puzzling occurred. At least it would be so if we didn’t know how paranoid and unstable Jehovah was. It seems God overlooked the fact that Moses’ son wasn’t circumcised, for when He recalled, He met Moses along the way and sought to kill him. Just how an omnipotent and omniscient god should have to ‘try’ to kill anyone is another bit of the puzzle.  The incident really ticked off Moses’ wife, Zipporah, who, no doubt, was measuring this new god against the god of her priestly father and finding him lacking. But like a good wife, though bitching and cursing Moses for a bloody fool, she hacked off the fore-skin of her son and tossed it at Moses’ feet; thereby saving her husband.

The reality behind this story is most likely an explanation for the angry reaction from Zipporah when Moses told her he was going to circumcise their son. Can’t you just imagine a mother’s reaction!

“Cut off my son’s penis! Now, Moses, I’ve had about all this foolish nonsense I can stand! All you’ve done for the past forty years is follow the herd around and scribble in that notebook of yours. Then you start jabbering about a burning bush and speaking with some strange god. This is just too much—I will not allow you to mutilate our son!”

No, of course that isn’t what happened. A wife who talked back would have most likely found herself wandering through the desert with nothing but the clothes on her back. Remember poor Hagar? About all Zipporah could do was hack the fore-skin off and toss it at Moses’ feet with a comment about him being a bloody man.

In the end it worked out fabulously. God let Moses go and after he taught Aaron all the rod tricks they went to the Hebrew slaves. There Aaron introduced Moses as God’s prophet, preformed all the magic tricks and the ignorant slaves were hooked.

But what really convinced the Hebrews was Moses’ declaration that he would just stroll up to Pharaoh and demand that he let all Jehovah’s children go free. Can you really believe that a strange Midianite shepherd, prophet or lowly slave, depending on how Pharaoh might have perceived him, could simply walk up to a divine ruler and initiate a conversation? Of course not, and he didn’t demand, he “asked” Pharaoh; not to let his people go, but to let them go a ways into the desert to offer sacrifice to their God. If you’ll notice about all those old Hebrew tales involved a bit of trickery; a common theme found in most folktales. It was a way the uneducated working class could glory in out-smarting the ruling class.

Of course, as the story goes, Pharaoh refused Moses’ ‘request’ and figured the slaves had too much time on their hands, so he decreed they would make bricks without straw.

What supposedly followed has had scientists, theologians, archeologists, and historians struggling for hundreds of years in an effort to explain the impossible. Through Moses and Aaron, God poured out plagues upon the Egyptians that devastated the land, the people, and the empire; all water was turned to blood; dust was turned into lice; plagues of flies, frogs, and locust swept through the land; darkness covered all Egypt and all first-born sons died. Probably the simplest explanation is that the entire story is a folktale derived from the expulsion of the Hyksos, mentioned earlier, who were pursued by Pharaoh Ahmose across the Sinai into Canaan. But, to assume such is true would destroy a marvelous tale, so let’s proceed as if the story has merit.

Did the miracles occur, or were they simply the results of natural phenomenon? Here we’re back to the question of whether Moses recorded the first five books of the Bible or not. If he did, then of course, he would not have lied—would he? Or could it be a situation where a very intelligent and well educated charlatan conned a bunch of ignorant slaves? 

What of the parting of the Red Sea and the Hebrews’ miraculous escape? It’s hard to give credence to the tales because modern science has been unable to formulate any solid evidence. The landmarks given, such as the mountains Sinai and Horeb, have never been identified conclusively. It can’t even be confirmed whether the Red Sea was supposedly parted at the deep Gulf of Aqaba or the shallower Gulf of Suez. About the only thing we can be sure of is that if such events did occur, Moses had to be a well educated and intelligent man reduced to caring for sheep. No doubt he had a lot of time for thinking and planning during his forty years of exile. And since one of the proposed crossings of the Red Sea was near the area where he tended his father-in-laws sheep it is quite possible that he observed some natural phenomenon that revealed a way to cross the sea on foot. Perhaps he simply observed an event that occurred periodically. Or, since one explanation has been linked to volcanic activities, and since God’s guiding signs of a cloud by day and a pillow of fire at night are apt descriptions of volcanic activity, the miraculous event might have been the result of an active volcano. Such strange and rare occurrences are much more believable than imagining a deity (who would lead his people into slavery in the first place) being able to part fifteen miles of water, over 3000 feet deep, into a mountainous jello-like substance that defied gravity. Really! Almost ANY scientific explanation would be more believable.

But let’s keep telling ourselves that it did happen; Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt, across the Red Sea (on dry land), and into the Sinai desert. Imagine what happened next. Imagine you’re one of 2 to 2.5 million recently freed slaves who have been led into one of the harshest deserts on earth. (That’s right, Exodus 12:37 numbered the men at 600,000; women and children would raise the number to about two to two and a half million.) There’s no food and no water. Wouldn’t you cry out: “Better we died in Egypt where we at least had food, than to starve here!”?

But God would provide. He gave them manna (bread) in the morning—for forty years! And when they became desperate for some meat, He gave them quail. On one occasion He sent a month’s supply in from somewhere across the sea. They simply flew in and fell exhausted at the Hebrews’ feet. They covered the camp for one days distance in all directions and piled up three feet deep. That might sound like an awful lot of dead birds but consider the fact that at a depth of three feet the people would literally be up to their asses in quail! And how far could a person walk in a day if he was wading through dead quail?

Moses must have been a dreamer or planner; one of those guys who could build kingdoms on parchment. But apparently he wasn’t very eloquent or much of an organizer. He complained to God, and God appointed Aaron to speak for him. Then when they had solved the menu problems and were settled down Moses started judging the people by his law without teaching them the law. Moses would sit listening to everyone’s problems. Some wanted to know more about their ancient God—and, of course, Moses knew all about him. Others had contentions with each other and Moses made decisions based upon his law. This continued day after day and no one was getting anything accomplished until Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, saw this and said to him: “Son, what are you doing? You’re killing yourself and the people are only standing around! You have to get organized! Now, listen to my counsel and I’ll tell you what to do. You’re wasting your time listening to every petty little gripe. You have to educate them; teach them the law and ordinances and show them how to observe those teachings. To keep them in line and make sure they obey, you need to appoint good men, like yourself; men who fear God, who are truthful, and who hate coveting. These you’ll place as rulers over thousands, hundreds, fifties, and tens.”

Following Jethro’s advice, Moses set up an elaborate display to introduce his law; a display that would leave no doubt in any mind that he was the mouth-piece for Jehovah. Three months after exiting Egypt they were camped before Mount Sinai and Moses had been spending a lot of time on the mountain. When he came down, he gathered everyone and proclaimed: “I have been upon the mountain-top talking with God. He said He’s going to give you commandments and make a covenant with you. If you keep His commandments and obey Him (meaning, if you do what I say) you’ll be a special people to Him. You’ll be a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.” And all the poor, dumb, deluded people said, “All that the Lord has said, we will do.” Then Moses said, “Now, wait a minute, just to show you that the Lord is really speaking to me, and so you’ll believe for all times, in three days He is going to come down onto the mountain and speak with me. During those three days all of you will wash your clothes and purify yourselves. On the third day there will be thundering and lightning and the Lord will descend as a great cloud. When the trumpet sounds everyone will come to the mountain, but take heed, no one will go near of touch it. Anyone who touches it will be stoned or shot!”

Sure enough, on the third day the trumpet sounded and Moses led the people out. The mountain smoked and burned, and even trembled. And the Lord appeared to everyone—as a great burning cloud. Then a voice roared down: “Moses! Come on up here to the top of the mountain.” And Moses went up.

It was a good thing Moses was a sharp fellow, because it seems this God was a bit absent minded. As soon as Moses reached the top the Lord told him to go back down and make sure no one was following him and to warn everyone that if any did break through and gaze upon the Lord they would die. Then in the same breath he told Moses to bring the priests up. Obviously a bit confused, Moses said, “Lord, they can’t come up; you just told them they would die.”

And the Lord said, “Get out of here! Go down and bring Aaron back, but don’t let the priests and people come up or I’ll have to break forth upon them.”

So, why could Aaron come up and not the priests? Because the entire incident was a ruse concocted by Moses and his cohorts to dupe the ignorant masses. Wasn’t it mighty convenient that no one, except Moses and his brother, could look upon God without dying? Wasn’t it strange that God couldn’t even remember his lines? How could the people know the voice they hear calling Moses was that of God? And did anyone realize that they really didn’t see God?

Moses stayed on the mountain forty days and forty nights, supposedly receiving the Ten Commandments. (Actually, Moses wasn’t very good with a hammer and chisel, and hacking commandments in stone wasn’t nearly as easy as he’d supposed.) Moses was away so long that the people thought he’d skipped out, or maybe God had consumed him. So, they had Aaron build them an idol—a golden calf. Why did Aaron do their bidding? Maybe he was just trying to placate them until Moses returned. Or, perhaps he’d been eying all the gold jewelry that the Hebrews had bilked from the Egyptians and saw an opportunity of get his hands on it.

Here we find another confusing contradiction: Although God couldn’t tell if anyone was following Moses upon the mountain, in this incident He knew of the Hebrews’ idolatry and told Moses what they had done. Then he instructed Moses to go on down that He was going to “wax hot” against the people and consume them, but again Moses had to set his God’s reasoning straight. “Why are you getting mad at them after all the trouble you had bringing them out of Egypt. You really showed those Egyptians how powerful you are. Think about it. Would you want them to say you lured the Hebrews into the wilderness just so you could destroy them? And, another thing, remember your promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob?” And the Lord repented!

That is one side of the story but what followed presents an entirely different picture. Moses left and was joined by Joshua, who’d been waiting down the mountain, and they returned to camp. As they came near to camp they heard the people celebrating and it becomes apparent that Moses had no idea what was happening.  Joshua thought it was a battle and Moses said they were singing. It wasn’t until they entered the camp and saw the golden calf (which Moses was supposed to already know about) that Moses became angry and broke the tablets which held the commandments. No doubt Moses had spent the passed forty days chipping them in stone and had no idea what the people were doing. You’d have to be blind not to see that Moses was a charlatan duping the people. Even Paul, referring to the incident when Moses did finally present the commandments, pegged him as a charlatan.

And not as Moses, [which] put a vail over his face, that the children of Israel could not stedfastly look to the end of that which is abolished: But their minds were blinded: for until this day remaineth the same vail untaken away in the reading of the old testament… (II Corinthians 3:13-14).

Paul implies that Moses didn’t hide his face because the glory of God would blind them (Exodus 34:33), but because he was hiding the truth.

Another note of interest that occurred when Moses received the tablets; Jehovah became paranoid about other gods of the tribes living in the land which He was going to give to the Hebrews. He was so terrified that the Hebrews would learn of and follow other gods until He degreed that they should “drive out” all the Amorites, Canaanites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. They were to “utterly destroy them” (Deuteronomy 7:2, 20:17). “Utterly destroy” conveys a terrible consequence. It is spelled out in I Samuel 15:3.

Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.

This abnormal fear, or hatred, of other gods (who allegedly don’t even exist) would not be a logical reaction from an omnipotent (and only) supreme deity. What would there be for him to fear? Why would he harbor such hatred toward hundreds of thousands of people whose only sin was a lack of knowledge of His being? On the other hand, if Moses was planning to invade Canaan he would have been acutely aware of just those problems. To prepare for such contingencies he would have needed to first: instill the fear of a supreme and an all powerful god within the hearts and minds of his followers. Secondly: convince those followers that they were a special people and that their god was giving Canaan unto them. Thirdly: that leader would have had to instill a sense of hatred and contempt toward the people they were to displace. All of which Moses did.

If we credit any logical reasoning to these tales then we must assume that it was Moses who formulated and recorded all the law and commandments given to the Hebrews. If one studies the stories from a logical and reasonable perspective, and apart from all bias, it becomes apparent that Moses was the intellect behind the scenes. It was the Lord who always lost his temper and acted hastily. It was the Lord who was always forgetful or confused. And it was the Lord who was paranoid about being rejected or replaced by other, would be, gods. Contrarily, it was Moses who marshaled the Lord’s thoughts and led him into the right direction.

Another fact that denotes human reasoning is the pattern and purpose of the law. Everything was written to bring the followers under submission; supposedly to God, but in reality to Moses and his chosen leaders. A fair, merciful, and omnipotent god would have had no reason to destroy innocent men, women, and children to make room for a chosen people who, incidentally, were no more holy or righteous than those being displaced. Other, more merciful means would have been available to an all powerful god; but a man would have had to resort to military tactics.

Despite Moses’ high plans, he never made it to the promised land. The logical reason would most likely be that there really wasn’t a couple of million Hebrews and he didn’t have the military strength to conquer the inhabitants. Most scholars place the refugee mass at 20,000 or so, instead of two million, a much more likely figure and one the Sinai peninsula  might have been able to support. In all probability, the invasion of Canaan never entered Moses mind when he was trying to shape the Hebrew slaves into a governable body. Moses was a meek and unassuming man, a planner and thinker, but not a warrior—that was Joshua’s role. For forty years Moses led the people about the Sinai peninsula just trying to keep them alive and consolidated. It was Joshua, after Moses’ death, who led them out of the desert to invade the inhabitants of Canaan.

However, that negates the omniscience of the Hebrew God and makes for a dull story. In the existing version a tale was needed to explain why they wandered in the wilderness for forty years and why Moses didn’t lead the invasion. The resulting tale is a bit ironic. First: the people were forced to remain in the wilderness because they lacked faith in their God, Jehovah. So God cursed them as unbelieving cowards and made them stay in the desert until the entire generation died off; except for Joshua and a man named Caleb who thought they could take the land. Thus fulfilling Moses fear that the heathens would say God only brought the Hebrews into the desert to destroy them. Secondly: an excuse had to be formulated to explain Moses reticence or lack of military skills. The answer was double bladed; one side obscured Moses inabilities as a warrior while the other side emphasized and reinforced the fear of Jehovah and yet, it was simple. Moses wasn’t allowed to enter the promised land because he disobeyed God.

It was really a petty incident that accents the capriciousness of God. Early in the exodus the people had cried and complained because they had no water, so God told Moses to strike a rock with his rod which produced water. Later, when a similar event occurred God told Moses to “speak” to the rock but Moses was upset with the people and in his anger he did as he had done before; rapped the rock with his rod. The water came forth, but God was peeved off because Moses didn’t give Him credit for bringing forth the water. Instead Moses had said, “must we fetch you water out of this rock?” referring to Aaron and himself while completely disregarding God. For that slip God declared Moses would never enter the promised land. The lesson—don’t ever forget or God’ll get'cha.

Though Moses didn’t get in on the slaughter of all the …ites boys, he was allowed to direct the destruction of the Amorites and Canaanites. When the Hebrews were ready to move against the inhabitants of the promised land they traveled up the Arabah Valley toward the land of the Edomites. These were the descendants of Jacob’s brother Esau so, presumable for that reason, they were not listed among the …ites nations that were to be destroyed. Therefore Moses sent messengers asking permission to pass through their land, but the king of Edom wasn’t a fool and denied them entrance. Rather than fight, Moses led his people northwest, toward the coast where they met and, under the leadership of Joshua, defeated the Canaanites.

Moving up through the land, and skirting the Edomites, they finally camped along the border between the Amorites and Moabites.

The Hebrews made short work of the Amorites then turned their attention to Moab. However, instead of attacking they pitched their tents “in the plains of Moab” outside Jericho. Here “Moses” introduces a bizarre story that is either a wild folktale or illustrates the petty and whimsical nature of Jehovah.

It seems that Balak, the king of the Moabites, was terrified of the Hebrews after he saw what they did to the Amorites. (It is here the confusion between Moab and the Midianites enters. In the first portion of Numbers, chapter 22, Moab is treated as a person, the spokesperson of the nation, and he speaks to the “elders of Midian” indicating some type of confederation between the two nations.) In an attempt to withstand an attack from such a mighty force the king sent for a holy man named Balaam, the son of Beor, requesting that he curse the encamped army.

It quickly becomes apparent that Balaam had some type of unique relationship with Jehovah, the god of the Hebrews; a fact that raises other questions. Who was Balaam? How did he come to know the Hebrew god? Since both the Moabites and Midianites were descendants of Abraham, could it be that the knowledge of Abraham’s god had somehow survived through their line?

You have to read between the lines, but apparently Balaam was a Midianite and Balak had to send his request through the Midianite court. Messengers of both the Moabites and Midianites came to Balaam, ready and willing to pay him richly if he would go and curse the invaders. No doubt Balaam wanted the reward, but it appears he knew the finicky nature of Jehovah because he asked the messengers to stay overnight and let him talk to God about it. Just how he, a non-Hebrew, could be on a speaking relationship with the god of his enemies is a mystery.

What was going on in Balaam’s mind? If he knew Jehovah was the god of the Hebrews he would have known he could never curse them—so why ask? Did he only have a “casual” acquaintance with Jehovah? Did he perceive Abraham’s god in a different manner? Or, did he just want the riches so bad he was hoping against hope?

Notice the ignorance of Jehovah. When he came to Balaam he was ignorant of the situation. He had to ask Balaam what was happening. After Balaam explained, God said, “No, you can’t go. Neither can you curse these people because they are blessed.”

The next morning Balaam sent the messengers on their way, but a few days later they were back with promises of honor and position as well as untold wealth. Balaam replied: “I don’t care if you offer me the palace full of gold and silver, I can’t go against God.”

Of course Balaam wanted all that wealth and prestige, so he asked the messengers to stay overnight and he would see if perhaps God would change His mind. Here is where God shafts it to Balaam. Notice Numbers 22:20, Balaam never had the opportunity to ask God again, God came to him in his sleep and told him to rise up and go with the men. But He forewarned Balaam that he should only speak the words that He would give him.

What follows is confusing as only a folktale can be. Balaam saddled his ass the next morning and left with the “princes". However, God, in a very stupid and (pardon the punt) asinine way tried to deter Balaam from his mission (which He had sanctioned) by placing an angel with a sword in the ass’s path. It appears that the ass was the only intelligent life form in the story. Only the ass could see the angel and he, of course, turned aside time and again to keep from being chopped to bits. All the while Balaam was cursing and beating his mount. Finally, the Lord spoke through the ass: “What have I done that you should beat me?” Whereupon Balaam started speaking back to the ass: “Because you mocked me. I wish I had a sword—I’d kill you!” Balaam and the ass began arguing and the Lord opened Balaam’s eyes and he saw the angel standing with a drawn sword.

At that point Balaam fell on his face and the angel started recapping all the times he would have killed Balaam if not for the ass. Try to imagine the scene: a conversation between a prophet, an ass and an angel! To what avail? The logical outcome one would expect would be the enlightenment of Balaam and his return to his home; but no, even though God was so upset with his prophet that he would stand an angel in his path to kill him he still commanded him to do that which only moments before threatened his life! “Go with the men,” the angel commanded, “but only the word that I shall speak unto thee, that thou shalt speak.” The same instructions God gave the previous night. Here we have a picture of a God who is so indecisive He can’t make up his mind whether he wants this prophet to obey Him or not, neither does He know whether He should kill him or not. Why all the silly confusion of an angel and a talking ass? If He wanted to warn Balaam away why didn’t He let him, not the ass, see the angel? And if He really didn’t want Balaam to turn back, why go to all the trouble?

The story continues, Balaam appeared before King Balak and three times the king stood Balaam before the Hebrews to curse them, and three times Balaam obeyed God and blessed them. Despite his desire for worldly goods he obeyed God. What was his reward? Later, when the Hebrews slaughtered the Midianites, Balaam of Beor was listed among the dead.

It appears that the Israelites’ set up something of a permanent residence in Shittim, near the Moabites, and Balak used another ploy to rid his kingdom of the invaders. Again you have to read between the lines. According to Numbers 25:2-3, the Israelite men started visiting the Moabite women and began worshipping their gods, or joining with Baal-peor. The Lord got peeved off and told Moses to chop off the heads of all the men who “were joined unto Baal-peor". On the surface this sounds like the Moabite women (and Midianites, who are mentioned later) were simply luring the Hebrew men away from Jehovah. But the next verses, 25:6-9, make it obvious that the women were infecting the men with some type of plague through sexual intercourse. In this passage, as all the Israelite leaders were getting ready to start the slaughter, a Hebrew man came be-bopping into camp with a Midianitish woman in tow. As the excited warriors watched the two disappeared into the man’s tent. Then Phinehas, the son of Eleazar the priest, grabbed his spear and went into the tent and drove the spear through both of them as they lay coupling. Thus “the plague was stayed from the children of Israel". And yet, though the plague was “stayed", twenty-four thousand died.

The generally accepted view of this incident is that God, through Moses, slew the twenty-four thousand before his “jealousy” could be appeased.  But this doesn’t seem very likely. Imagine such a scene: Moses and his cohorts are moving through the camp, chopping off heads and sticking them on poles; twenty-four thousand are already on display and the camp is filled with chaos. Then, amid all that turmoil, one guy wanders in, whore in hand, and never notices the slaughter—not very likely. It should be noted that even though God gave the command to behead the guilty there is no indication that the action was ever initiated. Later, when the Israelites invaded the Midianites, Numbers 31:1-17, a different picture emerges. The slaughter was complete; the Israelites defeated the armies, killed their five kings and, as mentioned earlier—Balaam of Beor. They rounded up the women and children, their cattle and all the spoils they could find. Then they burned the cities and castles. But when they returned to camp with their bootie Moses was ticked off: “Have ye saved all the women alive? Behold, these caused the children of Isreal, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the Lord in the matter of Baal-peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the Lord. Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.”

It could be argued successfully that the trespass was only seduction encouraged by Balaam (who, obviously, was not a prophet of Jehovah) but the statements “there was a plague” (31:16) and “the plague was stayed” (25:8); rather than something like “my wrath was turned” or “my plague was stayed” seem to indicate a natural plague rather than the unleashing of God’s anger. Logically then, we may assume that the women were transmitting some type of disease, though not necessarily sexual, that was sweeping through the Israelite camps.

Joshua

After the Midianites were crushed, God allowed Moses to view the promised land from the top of Mount Pisgah. Then he died and Joshua was chosen to lead.

The most popular, or memorial, stories derived from the life of Joshua are the tales of how Rahab, the harlot, saved the Israeli spies, how the Jordan River parted before the Ark of the Covenant, how the walls of Jericho fell, and the day the sun stood still so Joshua’s army could complete a terrible slaughter. These tales are glorified in children’s Bible stories as illustrations of God’s marvelous miracles. Those tales, rewritten for children, concentrate upon the miracles while downplaying the historical significance of the events. In those Bible stories you’ll never find scripture quotes such as:

And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword (Joshua 6:21).

And so it was, that all that fell that day, both of men and women, were twelve thousand even all the men of Ai (Joshua 8:25).

…and he smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein; he let none remain in it… (Joshua 10:30).

…and smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein he utterly destroyed… (Joshua 10:35).

So Joshua smote all the country of the hills, and of the south, and of the vale, and of the springs, and all their kings: he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed… (Joshua 10:40).

Those Bible stories never dwell upon the horrible slaughters perpetrated in the name of the Lord God Jehovah. The list of thirty-one kings and cities in which all the inhabitants, men, women and children, were chopped to pieces or burned to death are explained as ‘God’s judgment upon the wicked’. The wicked! Children and infants? What was their great sin? That they knew not the Lord! Some theologians try to justify the slaughter by explaining that the inhabitants were so wicked, their hearts so hardened, they could never be converted. Therefore, God had no choice but to exterminate them. Why then, was it necessary that God harden their hearts so they would come out in battle array against the Israelites (Joshua 11:20)? It stands to reason that if God, being all powerful, could harden their hearts, he could soften them also. No, their great sin was not rebellion against God; their great sin was that they occupied lands the Israelites wanted—nothing more! Those children’s Bible stories aren’t just for children; they are also for dummies!

Read the story of Joshua again and try to remember that those poor people were not enemies of a fictitious deity; they were simply farmer, herders, merchants and traders who had been living in that land for hundreds of years—after the Israelites had deserted it. They were simply peaceful inhabitants who suffer genocide at the hands of a great hoard of nomadic tribesmen who wanted their land and wealth.

Under Joshua’s leadership the Israelites took most of the land but they were unable to annihilate all the inhabitants. It appears that God was in no hurry to deliver all the promised land because wars and confrontations continued until the reign of David—four hundred years later!

Out of those struggles came some fascinating Bible stories of their Judges—mighty military leaders who ‘smote the wicked godless hip and thigh’.

There is the story of Deborah, a prophetess and judge, who ordered her general to wage war against the Canaanites but he refused to go unless Deborah went with him. Because of his cowardice the glory of the victory was given to a woman, Jael, who took a hammer and nail, and staked the opposing king’s head to the ground. There was Jephthah, who sacrificed his daughter as a blood offering unto the Lord. Gideon, who proved the Lord by laying out fleeces—and there was Samson.

Samson

Who doesn’t know of Samson, ‘the world’s strongest man'! One gets the impression he was something of a bully, or sociopath; a man without fear because he had no peers, something of a sick superman. He is introduced as a son who was rude and domineering toward his parents. His prodigious strength caused him to be careless and overconfident in actions, and thoughtless toward others. On the loss of a bet he murdered thirty innocent citizens for their garment to pay the wager. When curfew caught him in the arms of a harlot, he tore the city gates loose and carried them away.

Obviously he was a fore-runner of today’s worthless, womanizing husband. When he ignored his wife, her father gave her to another man. Samson was so enraged he caught 300 foxes (we must assume the place was over-run with foxes), tied them together in pairs and, after setting them afire, loosed them in the corn (grain) fields of the Philistines. But, according to the story, Samson’s bad behavior was all a ruse of God to set him against the Philistines—the rulers and oppressors of His people. In other words—God made him do it!

When the Philistines learned that Samson had acted because his father-in-law had given his wife away they went up and burned both the father and daughter. This was what God had been intending. He was just dying (figuratively speaking of course) to see this super-human, muscle-bound creature tear into those godless, wicked, Philistines. And tear into them, Samson did. After “he smote them hip and thigh with a great slaughter” he escaped to the land of Judah to the top of a rock.

If the story has seemed to be a bit exaggerated to this point, here is where it becomes quite unbelievable. The Philistines sent an army into Judah after him, and it must have been quite a host because three thousand Judeans confronted the Philistines to ask why they had come against them. When they found out the Philistines were only after Samson they when to him and talked him into surrendering. After promising they would not harm him Samson allowed himself to be bound and delivered to the Philistines. In their camp, when the Philistines began to taunt and ridicule him, “the Spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him” and the ropes seem to melt from his arms. He then grabbed up the jawbone of an ass and slew a thousand of them. Really now! A thousand trained warriors—men with spears, swords, slings, and bows and arrows! If they had attacked in mass surely someone would have gotten a blow in; or, by simply standing back they could have used him as a pincushion for arrows and spears. But apparently he was unmarked for his only concern was for a drink.

Now, if you think that was all marvelous consider this: To quench Samson’s thirst, God split the jawbone and made a fountain of it from which water gushed forth!

It appears that Samson crushed the Philistines on that day for it is stated that he judged Israel for the next twenty years. Then he met Delilah and we discover just how stupid he was.

While he was shacking up with her, the Philistines talked her into discovering where Samson’s strength lay and thereby helping them destroy him. So, she asked sweetly: “Tell me, I pray, what’s the secret of your great strength, and how may I destroy you?”

Samson treated the request like a great joke and told her if he was bound with green withes, or twigs, he’d be helpless. Delilah bound him so and yelled: “Samson the Philistines are coming!” Of course, he jumped up in full strength, ready to fight.

But Delilah was persistent and kept asking, and Samson continued to play the game until finally she wore down his resistance and he told her the truth—that his strength lay in his hair. Of course the rest of the story is pretty much common knowledge; she trimmed his hair and turned him over to the Philistines who blinded him and forced him to turn a grind stone. Then, when his hair grew long again his strength returned and he pulled the pillars from under the house, or coliseum, where three thousand Philistines were celebrating and killed himself and all inside.

The whoring concubine

This is one tale you never find in the children’s Bible stories; the reason should become obvious.

In the days when Phinehas, the grandson or Aaron, was high priest the twelve tribes had pretty much divided the land and settled down to live. There was no king over Israel so everyone did as they chose. That also included the Levites, the priestly tribe who were given no land but were to serve the Lord and the people as priests and receive their substance from the offerings of the people.

The tragic story began when a Levites concubine “played the whore” against her lord, or man, and then ran away, back to her father. Four months later, when the Levite found out where she was, he gathered his servant and a couple of asses and went after her. He went in peace and his mission was concluded successfully. After the woman’s father had detained the Levite as long as he could, probably wanting to spend as much time with his daughter as possible, he saw the trio on their way.

It was a long journey and evening found them in Gibeah, a Benjamite city. Motels or boarding houses were unheard of, so custom dictated that sojourners sit in the street looking lost until someone invited them into their home. What follows should be reminiscent of events that occurred in Sodom at Lot’s house.

The Levite was waiting in the street and it looked like no one was going to invite him and his party in for the night. Then an old man, coming home from the field, carried them to his home, fed their asses, washed their feet, and gave them food and drink. And, as they were eating and “making merry” wicked and evil men surrounded the house and began beating upon the door asking for the man that they might “know him”. The “master” of the house went outside and offered instead, his maiden daughter and the concubine that they might do with them as they pleased. Sound familiar?

Here, again, we see the almost worthless value placed upon the women. Notice that the concubine wasn’t even rated the status of guest within the household. And obviously the old mad didn’t even have to confer with the Levite about the matter.

The men refused the offer, but when the Levite brought his concubine to the door and gave her to them they took her and gang-raped her all night. When morning began to break they released her and she dragged herself back to the threshold of the house where she collapsed.

When the Levite awoke, presumably well rested, he found the unconscious woman and said, “Get up and let’s be on our way.” One can almost imagine him toeing her inert form.

Whether she was dead or not is indeterminable; it is only stated that he loaded her upon an ass and carried her home. Upon his arrival she was either dead, or he slew her; then divided her body into twelve parts and sent them to all the tribes of Israel.

What encouraged him take such rash actions? It certainly couldn’t have been love for the concubine; his actions of the previous night prove differently. Was it disrespect for his office—an affront to his pride? Later, he stated that it was because “they have committed lewdness and folly in Israel”. Whatever his reasoning, he incited all the tribes against the tribe of Benjamin. Four hundred thousand warriors assembled at Mizpeh on the border of the Benjamites. The Benjamites were able to field twenty-six thousand, seven hundred men. But of those, seven hundred was an elite corp of left-handed warrior who were deadly with the sling.

The Israelites then took council and vowed not to return to their homes until they had avenged the affront.  They then decided to go up by lot, attacking by tribes, as the Lord decreed. Apparently, God was up for some sport and when the Israelites came to ask Him which tribe should go up against Benjamin first the Lord said, “Judah shall go up first.”

Now, if given that directive I’d pay real close attention to the word “first”, which implies someone will have to go second; a fact that practically assured failure on Judah’s part. And that is exactly what happened. The Benjamites came out and destroyed twenty-two thousand men.

That gave the Israelites pause for thought for they returned to the Lord and asked, “Should I go up against my brother Benjamin again?” No doubt, they were questioning the merit of their cause. But the Lord said, “Go up against him.”

This time Benjamin only slew eighteen thousand Israelites.

But, as they say, the third time is charm. Again all the people of Israel came before the Lord; weeping, fasting, and offering sacrifices. And for the third time they asked if they should attack. The most pressing question at this point has to be: Why did God tell them to attack when he must have known they would be defeated? Did he favor the Benjamites? Was He punishing the Israelites—or did He enjoy seeing them grovel and beg? Most likely, judging from biblical history, the Lord was simply drawing his sacrifices from the battlefield. At any rate, by the third day He had his fill of blood, or He was getting bored with watching His chosen people hack each other to death, for He declared: “Go on up tomorrow and I’ll deliver them into your hands.”

All this praying to the Lord makes a very interesting story, but military tactics may have played a greater role. On the previous two battles, the armies met openly on the field where Benjamin’s elite force of slingers was able to cut the Israelites down; this time the Israelites set an ambush, and after luring the Benjamites out into the open, a hidden force seized the city and put it to the torch. When the Benjamites realized their city had been taken they turned their backs trying to flee to the wilderness, but the Israelites fell upon them and slaughtered all but six hundred who were hiding in the rocks.

Now we come to a point in this story that illustrates the tragic senselessness of the entire episode. We can count over sixty thousand of God’s chosen warriors who died in battle; twenty-five thousand of those were of the tribe of Benjamin, but that doesn’t account for the civilian dead, nor does it present an accurate picture of the devastation. Considering what happened after the battle, it becomes obvious that Moses’, Joshua’s and God’s policy of total extermination was well learned. For once the Benjamite army was crushed the Israelites went throughout the land and killed everything that lived then burned the cities.

Once the Israelites came down from their adrenaline high and realized they had practically annihilated one of their own tribes they came to the house of God crying and repenting of their deeds. Apparently it never occurred to them that their God was the one who told them to attack and delivered the Benjamites into their hands. But that’s the way with gods and prayers—if the outcome is good, God gets the glory; if it’s bad, the supplicant assumes the blame.

Their immediate concern was for the continuation of the tribe of Benjamin. All that remained were six hundred defeated men hiding out in the mountains. Those six hundred men had all lost their families; parents, children, and wives—men who could not produce offspring for lack of wives.

You would think that if the Israelites and learn anything from this catastrophe it would be the futility of warfare, but they had a great teacher.

The obvious answer would have been to supply wives from their own children; however, all had sworn they would not give their daughters to the Benjamites. And, of course, one doesn’t break a promise to God! But what were they to do? Then they hit upon a great idea! Someone suggested that they ask around and find out if there were any cites in Israel that had not joined in the fray; cities that had not sent warriors up to the battle. Such cities would not be bound by the oath. If so, all they had to do would be go to that city, or cities, and ask them to give their daughters. A great solution, right? Perhaps, but we must remember that these were Yahweh’s trained servants.

They found such a city, Jabeshgilead, and in that city there was four hundred young virgins. But instead of being grateful that they were able to solve their problem without breaking their vows, and perhaps, even thanking God for the solution, they did the unimaginable. Because Jabeshgilead had refused to join in the war against Benjamin, the Israelites sent twelve thousand of their most valiant warriors who razed the city and destroyed everyone except the virgins. A tragic end to a tragic story right—not quite. There was still two hundred men without wives; men who must take wives from the Israelites—Israelites who were under a vow. In the end the solution was so simple we wonder why the destruction of Jabeshgilead was necessary.

The Israelites called the Benjamites from hiding, gave them the four hundred virgins and said: “Hey, we’re sorry there aren’t enough girls to go around but, you see, we made this silly vow—not to allow our daughters to marry up with you guys. Of course, we can’t go against God. I’m sure you understand…God! We’re sorry about…you know, chopping up your wives…kids… Heck! We’re sorry about this whole mess. You can see we’re trying to make amends…we’ve brought you a bunch of virgins. And we’re gonna do more! We’ve figured a way around this vow thing. You see, we swore we wouldn’t GIVE you our daughters, but we wouldn’t be breaking our vow if you TOOK our daughters—right? Now, here’s what you do. You know the festival held at Shiloh—where the young girls come out and dance? Well, you go down there and hide in the vineyard and when the girls come dancing along jump out and grab you one. When the parents come crying to us we’ll beg them to be understanding and let you keep them. We’ll tell them there wasn’t enough virgins for you guys and point out that they couldn’t have given their daughters without being guilty.”

And so it occurred, and so it ended. If you look to the beginning of this tale you may be tempted to place the blame on a man who would sacrifice his woman for his own worthless hide and then start a civil war by blaming others. But, according to the Bible, that isn’t so. All this tragedy occurred because God desired it.

And the people repented them for Benjamin, because that the Lord had made a breach in the tribes of Israel (Judges 21:15).

The Lord made them do it.

To this point my statements have purposely been bitter and satirical. It should also be obvious that “Bible Stories for Dummies” might be more accurately entitled “Dumb Bible Stories". But if you looked closely you must have seen some elements of logic within the ridicule. Now, can we discard the ignorance along with the satire and follow sound reason and logic? There are numerous events depicted throughout the Bible that should insult the reasonable man; events that are illogical, impossible and absurd. Their ridiculous nature should be obvious to any sensible person. So, rather than analysis more I'll simply questions their logic. Beside the nonsensical events already presented, I am expected to accept on faith that:

As outrageous as these assertions are there is another that is even more discerning. That anyone could claim to love the god of the Bible, a hateful, arrogant, cruel sexist who cannot tolerate critism. The bibical god is a macho male warrior who said: Thou shalt not kill, yet ordered death and hideous punishment for all:

Now, for those who would contend that Jesus did away with those harsh old laws of vengeance I would refer them to the history of the Catholic Church where for over a thousand years they tortured and slaughtered any and all they deemed a threat to their religion. (As if a supreme God couldn’t care for himself.) In the Catholic Encyclopedia they cite Jesus, Paul and the Apostles as authority for their atrocities. And there can be no mistaking their intentions.

The Apostles acted upon their Master's directions. All the weight of their own Divine faith and mission is brought to bear upon innovators. "If any one,” says St. Paul, "preach to you a gospel, besides that you have received, let him be anathema" (Galatians 1:9). To St. John the heretic is a seducer, an antichrist, a man who dissolves Christ (1 John 4:3; 2 John 7); "receive him not into the house nor say to him, God speed you" (II John, 10). St. Peter, true to his office and to his impetuous nature, assails them as with a two-edged sword: " . . . lying teachers who shall bring in sects of perdition, and deny the Lord who bought them: bringing upon themselves swift destruction . . . These are fountains without water, and clouds tossed with whirlwinds, to whom the mist of darkness is reserved" (2 Peter 2:1, 17). St. Jude speaks in a similar strain throughout his whole epistle. St. Paul admonishes the disturbers of the unity of faith at Corinth that "the weapons of our warfare . . . are mighty to God unto the pulling down of fortifications, destroying counsels, and every height that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God . . . and having in readiness to revenge all disobedience" (2 Corinthians 10:4, 5, 6). (New Advent Catholic Encyclopedia - www.newadvent.org/cathen/07256b.htm#REF_VI)

What is logical about this set of values? We are told that Christ died for all mankind. That no one is forced to serve God; man is a free agent. But, if you chose not to believe the Church, you’re a heretic, an antichrist, and were to be exterminated! Though the Church spoke of love and forgiveness, their affections were the same as those of the Old Testament God. They were reserved only for those who bowed the knee to their god. The Church even claimed a divine blessing from God to stamp out all opposition. It was a matter of natural survival!

The first law of life, be it the life of plant or animal, of man or of a society of men, is self-preservation...  The jealousy with which the Church guards and defends her deposit of faith is therefore identical with the instinctive duty of self-preservation and the desire to live…In the Catholic Church this natural law has received the sanction of Divine promulgation, as appears from the teaching of Christ and the Apostles quoted above… (New Advent Catholic Encyclopedia - www.newadvent.org/cathen/07256b.htm#REF_VI)

In other words, Jesus told them it was all right to torture and burn any who refused to become Christians! Be truthful with yourself. Would you like this “God” for a neighbor? Man at his worst is more holy than this God at His best, because man’s weakness is a natural characteristic, while God is supposed to be perfect. Therefore man has an excuse for his failures while God’s evil can only be vindictive. And for those who would insist that one attains perfection by a union with God, I would ask how that is possible since their God is far from perfect?

In light of all that has been projected here there is another aspect of Christianity that is illogical; the fact that in today’s churches we see a great outpouring of love and concern for mankind and society.  We see a religion composed of numerous denominations, all of which (generally speaking) espouse and exhibit the highest and noblest of values. We see a religion that has buried many of the evil aspects of their God and promote those of the greatest virtues. They have changed their God! If anyone protests this statement I refer him to the attributes of the God described above and found in their own “Holy Scriptures", and I ask if Christians today are murdering those who offend their sensibilities as they did in the Old Testament and during the Dark Ages. No, it must be admitted that the Church of today does not violently force its religion on others. Therefore man has bent God’s Word to his will. Such is illogical, and being so, it introduces other subjects for consideration. First, in Malachi 3:6 the believer is told: “I am the Lord, I change not." The question is: “If God does not change, how is it that the God of today’s Church has changed?" Secondly: If God truly doesn’t change, then we must assume that He still desires his followers to enforce His will upon all outsiders, or heretics. The third consideration: If God has not changed and He still desires violent oppression of all opposition, why is He so quiet on the subject? Could it be that He is just patiently waiting to see how the Church handles the situation? Or could it be that there is no God and the Church had to reform because it lost its secular power? In short, after the Church lost the power to command armies and could no longer enforce its will on others, to survive it had to conform to the accepted values of the social order. Therefore the laws of man dictate the values of the Church—not God!

So I ask, why should one serve a god whose existence cannot be proven; whose Bible is a book of outlandish fables without a shred of credibility? What is logical about serving a God who is cruel, vengeful, hateful, bigoted and arrogant—or false? What is logical about closing your sensibilities to reality and clinging to outrageous, ridiculous and preposterous stories?

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