Damn... Once a respected warrior, now I am an unknown name writing in a stupid book.
Have I really fallen this far?
This is so pathetic. Me, Ma junia...reduced to stupid letters in a stupid journal.
Feh...*sigh* I guess it really isn't so stupid after all. Not when I really think about it. It does help get the more morbid thoughts out of one's mind... Though for me... It still doesn't do much good. It just let's me know just how fucked-up I really am.
For some reason a question has been plagueing me since I heard the news. I had thought I didn't care... But as far as controling my emotions... I am striking out every time.
The question is: can the dead still live?
Can one be alive yet dead on the inside? My theory is yes. It is possible... I hate this. I feel so torn and empty and I have never felt that way about anybody for anything in my entire life...
But then...
That was before Gohan...
My entire life seems to revolve around that kid.
Though... he isn't really a kid...any..more...
That name once sent joy shouting through me...
Now it harbors only pain.
Gohan gave me this journal when he was only about seven years old. We had just gotten back from Namekusei and it was his birthday. He asked me to show up. I really hate noise and kids. The two combined is enough to make me go into a rage. But, somehow... this kid was different. I didn't mind doing all those things for him, embarrassing myself horrendously.
Because it made him smile and it made him happy.
Those warm laughing eyes. That curious, and cheerful voice. A warm embrace. A whispered "Piccoro-san Dai Suki."
It melted my shell...the wall that I had built around myself, promising myself that as long as it was there that nobody would hurt me.
Was I ever wrong.
With infinite persistance, Gohan pierced that shell with his smiles, laughter, hugs and his love towards me. For the first time in my life, I felt complete... I had found the heart I had denied myself for so long.
The heart I thought I never had...
And now...
He broke it.
He went and he married her!
Off all people... why? Am I not good enough?
It was then that I realized something.
He doesn't need me anymore.
I am useless now. Never again will he need my guidence or my words of caution.He is grown now and capable of making his own descisions...and his own mistakes.
I don't know if I am capable of living alone once more.
It hurts so much now... Even with my thoughts... I am still alone.
I don't know if I can bare being alone again.
But for his sake I will try...
I love him... all that I do is for him.
Only for him...
I am messing up this journal. I have cried only once in my entire life and now here I am sobbing like a girl... I am so pathetic...
I don't deserve him...I am not strong enough for him.
Perhaps he percieved that even before I did....Perhaps that is the reason he didn't chose me.....
Perhaps... I am not worth it...
*sigh*
Maybe...there is a way to end all this... The pain, the ache... the emptiness... I don't want this anymore... I can't handle it... I need release... And I don't care what happens to me...
I only care about him....
And he cares nothing for me...
I have to go... I can't stand this anymore...
Goodbye,
*signed*
Damaio Piccolo
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